sunshiney

Hello.
I never thought their would be a day where i discuss my dysfunctional marriage life and family on a forum. Truly i guess i never thought their would be a day that my life would turn out so dysfunctional. for years * i was to blame* for every problem. then three weeks ago..AH confessed to his addiction i had suspected but was denied. its also on the same day he has been removed from.a hob for over twenty years. he texted me at about same time removed so unsure if job had something to do with confession. i caught him taking out more money that day and pressed him..soaybe both. its important to me as 1) job loss to hit rock bottom but 2)not families misery.

anyway, since dday..he has gone to our M counselor twice. checked into suboxone. internet read. one NA mtg. gotten on xanax ambien ..troed the thomas method. he tapered for one week. went clean. i disc yest he stole 3 of my vics that arepresc for me i hidden. he took a week ago and did not admit. he only came clean to me
.wants no one else to know..

i went to my first nar anon mtg yest..i liked it fine. bit most groups websites say no advice. im.at a crossroads. my home is in foreosure. he has not helped pay for the needs of kids. his job may be gone permanently. etc...
he wont even call the mortgage company to figure out how to save our home. but he can call his dealer to see about his wk issue.
he wants to do this cold turkey. at home. no in payoent no out patient and no NA..read his 12 steps..but has not seriously worked them.

been together over 25 yrs..he had affair. moved put. back in..drug addiction. ive been abused during affair and drug addiction.
i have asked him to leave but he wont. my kids are angry at living like this and he owned his choice to do drugs 100%..but allows kids to continue to blame me for lack of money and their needs not met.

its been 3 weeks. how long until after dday do we eait to see if they really hit bottom. what of tbey dont go. how do i handle it with out co dependancy and controlling him.

so much ive read. but i have no one and no support system to help me navigate all info. and put it in action correctly.

sunshiney

so sorry for misspellings. im typing from my phone..basically im seeking how to do boundaries without control. compassion while feeling resentment. and determining if he truly hit rock bottom or got caught doing something at wk. and trying just enough to save his job. if i want and require him to go to treatment i fear it wont work as its not of his own volition. if we did not have kids this M would of been over long ago.

Lovenjoy

sunshiney i am so glad that you have found SR and so sorry you are in the situation that brings you here. this forum has helped me immensely in saving my sanity which has been the first step in helping me improve my life while dealing with the person in my life who is addicted to drugs.

many will be along to welcome you and there is much to read here that can help. the addict in my life is my adult son who lives with me so a little different but really not. i too was in the dark for years and when his addiction finally came to light all the puzzle pieces fell into place. in a strange way it was a relief to finally know the reason behind all the weirdness in our lives - i was not going crazy! i just had a front row seat to this madness.

you mention co dependency and detachment and naranon so you are already going in the right direction for making yourself a priority - when we take care of ourselves we can find clarity and some peace as we move forward. a book that is helping me soooo much is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

i am so sorry you have had to become part of his mess but SR is like a family that gives loving support and we walk this road together. be kind to yourself today and know you are on the road to making your life better - kudos for taking such great steps already!

sunshiney

Thank you for replying. my M counselor luckily communicates via text during stressful moments and i had one the other day. she called back and said to read that book so i found a way to read it on my phone saving a trip to the book store.
im flipping between compassion and wanting him gone. he used to pick fights with me to leave for drugs. now im leaving to parks to stay calm. when our children yell abojt the consequences of his choices even though he has not come clean with them..i tell him i did not do this and i leave ..letting him hear them n deal with it. a huge part of me wants to run away. one of my sons had an adxiction ..not to drugs. my m.i.l. an alcholic..died recently. im tired of my life surrounded w addictions lies turmoil. but now being the dad of my kids ..and finding out loss of job. affair . drugs..telling everyone i was the mean one..but only admitting to me i wasnt..

just trying to navigate the right way as i didnt do it right before.

as for your son..the hardest thing i ever experienced was my son moving out on Mothers Day as a teen while addicted. he hit bottom. that was 6 years ago he came back. he is Wonderful. have to figure out deep down whatscausing it. boys rarely tell .

jaynie04

Hi Sunshiney, I am in recovery myself but I just wanted to welcome you.

It sounds like you have had a long haul, reaching out for help and support is so important. There are many others here who have been in your shoes.

I can offer that I do think you are correct in that having your husband go to treatment if it is not his choice is a waste of assets. I was inpatient for a month and there was a glaring discrepancy between the people who wanted to be there and the people who were just there killing time. It broke my heart to see their families come in for family week looking hopeful when I knew the addict was not done.

There is a saying in recovery for families, let go or be dragged. You can't save him. It sounds like he is involved with opiates/heroin? People can get clean, but it takes enormous commitment, I will manage my recovery every day of my life.

Stick around, the F&F forum here is amazing. You are not alone, others will be along shortly I am sure.

sunshiney

T.Y. Janie. opiates..no heroin. while dating he did some coke but that was over 25 yrs ago. he was clean while we got M and had children. no money issues. no fighting. most money issues began ten years ago. so now i do wonder if this goes back much farther than i know. i had several surgeries then. most of my pain pills would disappear. on dday he mentioned those. but i thought as a one time binge. no remembering all the money issues i wonder if the dependancy goes back way back then..the difference being..the amount of money was not good. but its horrendous now. four bank loans. 8 payday loans. bprrowed thousands from his dad. stole from me and kids. borrowed from friends. plus his paycheck.
im not going to force treatment. how do others decide thiscrossroads. thanks .

sunshiney

i could use some advice. for spouses of addicts how do you find strength and compassion to support detox/soriety if their addiction, behavior and otherwise caused tremendous consequences against you. i had given compassion and support for two weeks. its getting hard..the selfishness of all of it. and how long until we should expect to see some normalcy in thinking and that aha moment when they see the damage they caused while in a sober mind. my AH does not yet seem to graspthe thousands of dollars he spent or the resentment of those around him or is not ready to deal yet.

Lovenjoy

hi sunshiney - glad you are still around, don't do this alone - we're all here for each other. i'm sorry to say but you will only drive yourself crazy waiting for him to acknowledge the damage. it is something that may or may not happen.

i wanted that from my son so bad when he went into recovery and 10 months later it still hasn't happened, directly. his behavior is very different and i feel that is the beginning..... i no longer need it, i only hope that someday he needs it for himself and can make amends.

early recovery is a very selfish time for our A's, it has to be. they need that focus but it leaves family feeling just as shut out as when they were active! for me, i had to examine what 'support' meant and i found i was being supportive in a still very codependent way.

so I had to get selfish about my recovery. have you tried alanon? i know you mentioned naranon, there is none close here, but i do know in alanon the focus in on us, not the addict/alcoholic and what they are or are not doing. someone here told me that naranon tends to be crisis driven and alanon more personal long term recovery. i don't know that for sure but it helped me relax about alanon. and as i have gotten healthier thru keeping the focus on my recovery from codependency - well, my life is better.

it was very hard for me to stop obsessing about his addiction/recovery but it is exactly what has made the difference. now i'm a bit obsessive about being nice to myself - but i'm ok with that! i realize that a spousal situation will have some different dynamics, but i still think taking care of ourselves has to be our first priority. taking a bath, reading a book, taking a walk, chocolate, going to the beach, bird watching - taking pleasure in things i enjoy helps me find clarity to handle the dark times.

sending good thoughts and wishing you joy! a saying on my fridge - 'Make the most of the best and the least of the worst'

hopeful4

Welcome to SR. I am sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

There is no time or action that can say when a person will hit bottom. Some don't even have a bottom. For some it is a lot higher, likely even he does not know.

I hope you keep attending the meetings and work on the things that are within your control. Put the focus back on you and your kids because you deserve more.

I am sorry. I always say, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. It's not very likely he can do this at home, himself. It can also be dangerous.

God Bless.

sunshiney

thank you very much. he is doing this at home. i want to support him as we have children. however, at the same time he was intermittently cruel to me. had an affair as well. drug behavior same almost as affair behavior. pick fights to seek drug of choice and degrade me to make him feel better and justify himself. the affair came out two years ago but happened long before. i suspected drug use during the time he came clean on A but he just confirmed it. so i have a lot of hurt. he says he wants to change and make amends and be a better person. Even if he does..and becomes the man i used to love..my personal issue is ..if i wasnt valuable enough then why now. if you loved me why would you....and i struggle with this as i support him. im reading co dependent no more and getting angry with myself and feel personally i degraded myself for allowing myself to be in this for so long but during the time i felt stuck for many reasons i cant go into right now as this is public forum.
i have one Nar anon group in my city. i went last week and it was actually pretty great. very nice families. but it is sharing group so hard to get advice or counsel on how to navigate this ordeal. At the beginning of disclosure its hard..deciding best way to deal with detox..support without enabling or codelendency..where is my place in this. what do we do if they choose not to do mtgs or rehab. hard to kick out a spouse when name on mortgage no where to go.
i went thru this with son years ago but not drug addiction. i dont need same amends from him. mom to son love is different its unconditional. his amends to me is he loves me..and he turned his life around and he is happily successful ..almost 23. He randomly does nice things for me. he bought me stuff for my car saying i have done things for him. he is in the car business. he makes sure im taken care of . knowing he is great is my amends from him. i love that saying you posted. im going to type it up and put on my fridge too. thanks.