Not able to let go
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Not able to let go
Hey there
I have been hanging around and reading some of your threads, which already helped me a lot. Thank you for that. I want you to tell my story and maybe someone has advice for me. I apologize if I make mistakes, English is not my native language.
I fell in love with a opiate addict. I met him on trip across the U.S. last summer. He is from the U.S, i am from Europe. We lost contact but started talking again over Facebook in January. I already planned a trip to the U.S in April, so soon this became our goal. We liked each other and we wanted to see each other and spend some time together. I knew that he used to do drugs. He told me that right after we met, but he told to be clean now. The first month went great. We talked, flirted, everything was fine. In March thing started to become worse. He stopped answering, promised to write the next day but he didn't. He said he was busy. Eventually,we found time to talk and he said he is not ready for a relationship because he has to be selfish and focused on himself right now, because he has been relapsing lately and breaking his sobriety. He couldn't be a fair partner and give me the same attention i give him. Apparently, he really wants to get sober again asap. He said he would not want to put me through all this in order to protect me and he does that because he doesn't want to hurt me,destroy me or be unfair to me.
I completely understand, accept and respect his decision. I always said to my friends that it would be a deal breaker if he was using again, but I can't walk away. It sounds stupid but I am in love with him. I did research on opiate addiction and recovery, I don't do any kind of drugs (except some drinks when I go out) and besides the butterflies in my stomach I know I should run away in order to protect me. Especially,if he "breaks up" with me in order to protect me. But somehow I can't. I move to the U.S in a few months, so I keep hanging on to the idea, that we might have a chance then, that he "only" relapsed (so he can get sober again) and that he will be better by then. Or that I should keep fighting for him and eventually he would come around. The image i have of him doesn't match the one I have of a drug addict. So I say maybe it's not that serious as all the cases I read about. Which is stupid i know.
I don't even have a specific question. Maybe some of you experienced something similar and could tell me what they did or maybe someone can open my eyes....
The other thing is, that i don't know how to handle this situation. Usually, I would consider me as the "victim" of the break up, but in this situation i think he is too. He said he really likes me too, and that it was hard for him too. After we "broke up" I basically ran away, deleted him on Facebook and everything. I texted him though when I was in the U.S and since then we are FB-friends again. I want to talk to him. Smalltalk, about us, how he is feeling, about normal stuff. But i don't want to burden him or even trigger him. I really don't know how to handle it.
Thank you for reading
I have been hanging around and reading some of your threads, which already helped me a lot. Thank you for that. I want you to tell my story and maybe someone has advice for me. I apologize if I make mistakes, English is not my native language.
I fell in love with a opiate addict. I met him on trip across the U.S. last summer. He is from the U.S, i am from Europe. We lost contact but started talking again over Facebook in January. I already planned a trip to the U.S in April, so soon this became our goal. We liked each other and we wanted to see each other and spend some time together. I knew that he used to do drugs. He told me that right after we met, but he told to be clean now. The first month went great. We talked, flirted, everything was fine. In March thing started to become worse. He stopped answering, promised to write the next day but he didn't. He said he was busy. Eventually,we found time to talk and he said he is not ready for a relationship because he has to be selfish and focused on himself right now, because he has been relapsing lately and breaking his sobriety. He couldn't be a fair partner and give me the same attention i give him. Apparently, he really wants to get sober again asap. He said he would not want to put me through all this in order to protect me and he does that because he doesn't want to hurt me,destroy me or be unfair to me.
I completely understand, accept and respect his decision. I always said to my friends that it would be a deal breaker if he was using again, but I can't walk away. It sounds stupid but I am in love with him. I did research on opiate addiction and recovery, I don't do any kind of drugs (except some drinks when I go out) and besides the butterflies in my stomach I know I should run away in order to protect me. Especially,if he "breaks up" with me in order to protect me. But somehow I can't. I move to the U.S in a few months, so I keep hanging on to the idea, that we might have a chance then, that he "only" relapsed (so he can get sober again) and that he will be better by then. Or that I should keep fighting for him and eventually he would come around. The image i have of him doesn't match the one I have of a drug addict. So I say maybe it's not that serious as all the cases I read about. Which is stupid i know.
I don't even have a specific question. Maybe some of you experienced something similar and could tell me what they did or maybe someone can open my eyes....
The other thing is, that i don't know how to handle this situation. Usually, I would consider me as the "victim" of the break up, but in this situation i think he is too. He said he really likes me too, and that it was hard for him too. After we "broke up" I basically ran away, deleted him on Facebook and everything. I texted him though when I was in the U.S and since then we are FB-friends again. I want to talk to him. Smalltalk, about us, how he is feeling, about normal stuff. But i don't want to burden him or even trigger him. I really don't know how to handle it.
Thank you for reading
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
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Buttercup, it sounds like he is struggling with active addiction and that doesn't leave you anyplace good in this relationship. It's easier to keep up a facade at a distance but as the time came closer for you to arrive, the truth had to come out.
If you want to move to the United States and have a visa to work there, then come as planned, just don't expect anything good from this man. If you don't have a visa to work or a means of supporting yourself, you might want to postpone for a while and see how this unfolds.
I think you already know all that and I'm sorry I can't paint a prettier picture for you. In the end, be glad you found out now before you got yourself into a bad situation.
Hugs
If you want to move to the United States and have a visa to work there, then come as planned, just don't expect anything good from this man. If you don't have a visa to work or a means of supporting yourself, you might want to postpone for a while and see how this unfolds.
I think you already know all that and I'm sorry I can't paint a prettier picture for you. In the end, be glad you found out now before you got yourself into a bad situation.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Buttercup,
I guess what jumped out at me is that he did express that he wants to let go the relationship, so he can work on his recovery.
Whether he is working on recovery, or active in his using and wants to protect you, a nice girl, it says to me that he does not want a relationship.
I would graciously bow out and call myself lucky, after reading all the posts here from good people such as yourself, who wish they had paid attention to the red flags.
there are so many fish in the sea. pick one without a hook in his mouth, sweetie.
hugs
chicory
I guess what jumped out at me is that he did express that he wants to let go the relationship, so he can work on his recovery.
Whether he is working on recovery, or active in his using and wants to protect you, a nice girl, it says to me that he does not want a relationship.
I would graciously bow out and call myself lucky, after reading all the posts here from good people such as yourself, who wish they had paid attention to the red flags.
there are so many fish in the sea. pick one without a hook in his mouth, sweetie.
hugs
chicory
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Ann and chicory thank you so much for your answers. I really appreciate it. I think both of you are right and I should be glad that I found out about it now before I got even more attached to this guy and before any damage could have been done. I know all that, but it's so hard to walk away. I guess once you are emotionally involved with a drug addict you always hope that your case would be different.
He has actually nothing to do with me moving to the US. That was already planned before we started talking again. Now, luckily, I won't be close to him since we will live different parts of the country. But i still hang on to the idea, that we might get a second chance once things are easier (less distance, less time difference, and so on). I guess even though I read several threads in this forum I still see things through rose-colored glasses and don't / can't/ don't want to see the severity of his addiction.
Chicory,
How do you mean that? Could you elaborate it? Why does it jump out? Do you mean he used his addiction as an excuse?
And I do have a question, some of you might be able to answer. He seemed really determined to work on his recovery. Like that he wants to get sober asap for his son's sake and that he doesn't want to lose his new job. And it seems like he knows that he made the wrong choice and that he needs to change it. Is this part of an addiction and does not mean anything or is this a sign that he might be not as bad yet and is in a good position for a recovery? Does that make any sense? Is there a difference between using it actively and a relapse? Is a recovery from a relapse different from an initial recovery?
He has actually nothing to do with me moving to the US. That was already planned before we started talking again. Now, luckily, I won't be close to him since we will live different parts of the country. But i still hang on to the idea, that we might get a second chance once things are easier (less distance, less time difference, and so on). I guess even though I read several threads in this forum I still see things through rose-colored glasses and don't / can't/ don't want to see the severity of his addiction.
Chicory,
I guess what jumped out at me is that he did express that he wants to let go the relationship, so he can work on his recovery.
Whether he is working on recovery, or active in his using and wants to protect you, a nice girl, it says to me that he does not want a relationship.
Whether he is working on recovery, or active in his using and wants to protect you, a nice girl, it says to me that he does not want a relationship.
And I do have a question, some of you might be able to answer. He seemed really determined to work on his recovery. Like that he wants to get sober asap for his son's sake and that he doesn't want to lose his new job. And it seems like he knows that he made the wrong choice and that he needs to change it. Is this part of an addiction and does not mean anything or is this a sign that he might be not as bad yet and is in a good position for a recovery? Does that make any sense? Is there a difference between using it actively and a relapse? Is a recovery from a relapse different from an initial recovery?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by buttercup89 
And I do have a question, some of you might be able to answer. He seemed really determined to work on his recovery. Like that he wants to get sober asap for his son's sake and that he doesn't want to lose his new job. And it seems like he knows that he made the wrong choice and that he needs to change it.
If he wants to be single-minded about his recovery, there may not be room for you in his life. Recovery is an intense time where relationships often fail.
On the other hand, if he's still using, you don't want to be anywhere around that, and a relationship would become very painful. He may be protecting you from this.
You know what you need to do. Meet lots of other people and try to forget him if you can.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Buttercup,
From what you said, he does not want a relationship with you-reason being he needs to focus on his recovery. Maybe he is, or maybe he isn't, but he did express that he thinks it best if you both go your own ways.
I think it jumped out at me, because I have had a brush off before, and sometimes they say it in very nice ways, but if a man wants to go his own way, for whatever reason, I would not hold on. thats just me. pride, whatever, its enough said, for me.
and the things he told you, about what he wants, and is doing. well, if you read enough of the posts here, you will see that even active users can "quack" this sort of stuff. he might just be wanting to use without the complication of a really nice woman trying to believe that he is clean/recovering from relapse. He might be trying to make his using easier, or maybe he is really wanting to stay out of relationships til he gets well enough to have one safely.
I can be wordy, but I hope you understand what I mean.
Real love takes a while to grow. You cannot really love someone, until you really know them . You have not been together enough to do that, so perhaps it is just really a big old crush, something to dream about. He may not be able to give you anything right now.
trust his words to you, in that he does not want to be involved now.
hugs
From what you said, he does not want a relationship with you-reason being he needs to focus on his recovery. Maybe he is, or maybe he isn't, but he did express that he thinks it best if you both go your own ways.
I think it jumped out at me, because I have had a brush off before, and sometimes they say it in very nice ways, but if a man wants to go his own way, for whatever reason, I would not hold on. thats just me. pride, whatever, its enough said, for me.
and the things he told you, about what he wants, and is doing. well, if you read enough of the posts here, you will see that even active users can "quack" this sort of stuff. he might just be wanting to use without the complication of a really nice woman trying to believe that he is clean/recovering from relapse. He might be trying to make his using easier, or maybe he is really wanting to stay out of relationships til he gets well enough to have one safely.
I can be wordy, but I hope you understand what I mean.
Real love takes a while to grow. You cannot really love someone, until you really know them . You have not been together enough to do that, so perhaps it is just really a big old crush, something to dream about. He may not be able to give you anything right now.
trust his words to you, in that he does not want to be involved now.
hugs
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Thank you FeelingGreat and Chicory for your words. I have been thinking a lot about all of your answers and it does really help.
I completely agree with you Chicory, when you say it's not real love. Maybe it's a language thing. I'm not saying i really love him, because I don't really know him. So i guess, the right word is i have a huge crush on him. He says he too, but he has to put himself first. So i guess, that was the reason why I was kinda hoping "it (his addiction) isn't so bad".
I get it now tough. All of you are right ! no matter if he is still using or working on his recovery, it's not a situation I want to put myself in. I realized that in the worst case I might not only jeopardize myself but also my biggest dream. I don't want to jeopardize my stay in the US by being with someone who does illegal drugs or anything. And as you all said,i should be glad to be able to get away from this situation.
Now, i just have to work on really letting him (and the idea of us) go and move on, but that doesn't belong here.
Thank you so so much for reading my posts and helping me, even though this might be the smallest problem here in the forum.
I don't know why you are all here, but I wish you all the best and all the strength that you need.
Hugs to all of you
I completely agree with you Chicory, when you say it's not real love. Maybe it's a language thing. I'm not saying i really love him, because I don't really know him. So i guess, the right word is i have a huge crush on him. He says he too, but he has to put himself first. So i guess, that was the reason why I was kinda hoping "it (his addiction) isn't so bad".
I get it now tough. All of you are right ! no matter if he is still using or working on his recovery, it's not a situation I want to put myself in. I realized that in the worst case I might not only jeopardize myself but also my biggest dream. I don't want to jeopardize my stay in the US by being with someone who does illegal drugs or anything. And as you all said,i should be glad to be able to get away from this situation.
Now, i just have to work on really letting him (and the idea of us) go and move on, but that doesn't belong here.
Thank you so so much for reading my posts and helping me, even though this might be the smallest problem here in the forum.
I don't know why you are all here, but I wish you all the best and all the strength that you need.
Hugs to all of you
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Reading this post gives me mixed emotions. I feel sad for you, but I am proud that your boyfriend was honest and is telling you that he doesn't want to hurt you, destroy you or be unfair to you.
Let me explain...the honesty WILL GO AWAY. And he will hurt you, destroy you and will be unfair to you while in his addiction. His addition will be first, as you have pointed out, he did not talk to you for some time until he told you what was going on. He is trying to help you right now and protect you. His illness will do all the things to you he is trying to protect you from. He will not get better until he is ready to get better and you cannot help him do that. I wish I could be more positive with my post, but we cannot change them or help them. We can only help ourselves. (((hugs)))
Let me explain...the honesty WILL GO AWAY. And he will hurt you, destroy you and will be unfair to you while in his addiction. His addition will be first, as you have pointed out, he did not talk to you for some time until he told you what was going on. He is trying to help you right now and protect you. His illness will do all the things to you he is trying to protect you from. He will not get better until he is ready to get better and you cannot help him do that. I wish I could be more positive with my post, but we cannot change them or help them. We can only help ourselves. (((hugs)))
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Originally Posted by mejo
Reading this post gives me mixed emotions. I feel sad for you, but I am proud that your boyfriend was honest and is telling you that he doesn't want to hurt you, destroy you or be unfair to you. Let me explain...the honesty WILL GO AWAY. And he will hurt you, destroy you and will be unfair to you while in his addiction. His addition will be first, as you have pointed out, he did not talk to you for some time until he told you what was going on. He is trying to help you right now and protect you. His illness will do all the things to you he is trying to protect you from. He will not get better until he is ready to get better and you cannot help him do that. I wish I could be more positive with my post, but we cannot change them or help them. We can only help ourselves. (((hugs)))
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You matter too, Buttercup, in this big old world.
be happy and well, and hugs.
chicory
be happy and well, and hugs.
chicory
Reading this post gives me mixed emotions. I feel sad for you, but I am proud that your boyfriend was honest and is telling you that he doesn't want to hurt you, destroy you or be unfair to you.
He is trying to help you right now and protect you. His illness will do all the things to you he is trying to protect you from. He will not get better until he is ready to get better and you cannot help him do that. I wish I could be more positive with my post, but we cannot change them or help them. We can only help ourselves. (((hugs)))
He is trying to help you right now and protect you. His illness will do all the things to you he is trying to protect you from. He will not get better until he is ready to get better and you cannot help him do that. I wish I could be more positive with my post, but we cannot change them or help them. We can only help ourselves. (((hugs)))
I understood that I cannot help him. I think the best way to "help" him is by accepting his decision, even though it is hard. You said we cannot help them, but do we ever stop worrying about them? Last night I learned that he got this great job offer. And i am really happy for him because I know how important his job is to him. But at the same time i am worried. It will mean a lot of stress. I hope he can handle it. Can you work a challenging and exhausting job in early recovery? without jeopardizing one or the other?
Just to be clear, i don't want him to get sober because I want to be with him. but of course I care about him and worry about him and I want him to recover for his own sake and his little son's sake.
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If he is being honest in why he cannot be with you right now, and it sounds like he is, then that is a GREAT thing.. It's wonderful that he realizes he needs to focus on himself and himself only in order to reach a full recovery. I hope he can do that. Trust me, I wish my boyfriend would have left me when he relapsed and decided to make a turn for the worse. It's heartbreaking being in that situation and watching them go through it. Opiates are no easy demon. I am sure if you just text him to see how he is, it would be fine, I doubt if you asked him how he is he would care.. He may even like knowing that you still think of him and wonder how he is. I know this post is about a month old, is there an update to this story? Is everything the same?
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Thank you for your answer bella
As you can see I stuck around, still trying to understand what addiction means, what he is going through, and trying to figure things out. A few weeks ago I couldn't help it anymore and I texted him. We didn't talk much but I asked him how he's doing and he told me that was doing okay at the moment and that he had been clean for the last few weks. So i guess that's a good sign.
I've been reading a lot about addiction and recovery since then. It feels like doing a puzzle. I am still in the same spot. Wishing things could be fixed. I miss him so so much every day. And every day i'm just trying to hang in and be strong because I'm too afraid of trigger him. I guess i just need time to heal.
So, nothing really changed.
As you can see I stuck around, still trying to understand what addiction means, what he is going through, and trying to figure things out. A few weeks ago I couldn't help it anymore and I texted him. We didn't talk much but I asked him how he's doing and he told me that was doing okay at the moment and that he had been clean for the last few weks. So i guess that's a good sign.
I've been reading a lot about addiction and recovery since then. It feels like doing a puzzle. I am still in the same spot. Wishing things could be fixed. I miss him so so much every day. And every day i'm just trying to hang in and be strong because I'm too afraid of trigger him. I guess i just need time to heal.
So, nothing really changed.
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Yeah.. That's one thing I learned the hard way. You can't change your addict, only HE can change himself. I know how badly it feels to want to reach inside of them and rip the person you love out, so it can be normal again. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. Something that really helped me learn about the disease is going to Nar-Anon meetings, do you have them in your area?
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I guess that's something I understood pretty soon. And I don't feel as if he needs to be changed, as far as I can tell he's really committed to his recovery and wants to be clean.
What I meant with "things could be fixed" was like the things between us. Guess, that was a bit confusing
What I meant with "things could be fixed" was like the things between us. Guess, that was a bit confusing
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Gohs, my brain is a mess today. I didn't mean to ignore your question regarding the nar-anon meetings. I don't really know if we have them over here. On the other hand, i'm not sure if they fit there... I mean we weren't even in a relationship... do you know what i'm saying?
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Late to this thread, but want to add my $0.02...
I can understand your pain, and your confusion, but there is something that you need to learn from this.
Knowing what you knew about him, you took a substantial emotional risk when you began an intercontinental relationship with him. And I think that you have an opportunity to ask yourself why you did that for someone that, let's be honest, you didn't really know.
I do not say this to be mean-spirited, or harsh. I say this because, in a way, I relate pretty well to you. I, too, have taken risks that in hindsight I had no business taking. And it was a fairly painful process to get to the point where I can admit that freely.
Denial is a cunning thing. And often, when we're attracted to someone, we tend to ignore red flags. The problem is those flags are red for a reason, and when we ignore them, we often get hurt really bad.
So, you have a chance to do some work here. I would encourage you to take advantage of it, learn what there is to learn, and learn how to be comfortable and confident on your own.
Take care.
ZoSo
I can understand your pain, and your confusion, but there is something that you need to learn from this.
Knowing what you knew about him, you took a substantial emotional risk when you began an intercontinental relationship with him. And I think that you have an opportunity to ask yourself why you did that for someone that, let's be honest, you didn't really know.
I do not say this to be mean-spirited, or harsh. I say this because, in a way, I relate pretty well to you. I, too, have taken risks that in hindsight I had no business taking. And it was a fairly painful process to get to the point where I can admit that freely.
Denial is a cunning thing. And often, when we're attracted to someone, we tend to ignore red flags. The problem is those flags are red for a reason, and when we ignore them, we often get hurt really bad.
So, you have a chance to do some work here. I would encourage you to take advantage of it, learn what there is to learn, and learn how to be comfortable and confident on your own.
Take care.
ZoSo
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Buttercup,
Sounds like you are getting along alright, even though you miss him, you are not pushing the relationship, which is healthy on your part.
Now that you know he is doing alright, as he said, you are probably focusing things other than him, right? What have you been doing for yourself lately?
Sounds like you are getting along alright, even though you miss him, you are not pushing the relationship, which is healthy on your part.
Now that you know he is doing alright, as he said, you are probably focusing things other than him, right? What have you been doing for yourself lately?
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Now that you know he is doing alright, as he said, you are probably focusing things other than him, right? What have you been doing for yourself lately?
Zoso, thank you for your reply. i'm not sure if I understood what you really mean. When I said, I knew he used drugs, i didn't know anything what it really means: I just though he used to do them, got clean and now he's okay. I know now that it's different.
I can see some reasons why I fell for him. None of them is being related to his addiction though.
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