enough rope to hang himself with??

Old 05-01-2014, 03:36 AM
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Hi Anxious, your husband taking opiates again would be like me drinking again or a former smoker having a cigarette. The receptors will wake up and even with the best intentions the addiction will re-establish itself. Your husband may think he'll be safe with you holding the prescribed drugs, but as an addict he may go out and find them elsewhere.
I think the whole scenario poses huge risks for his recovery. One option is for you to write to his specialist and tell him/her that your husband is an addict. That could at least prompt the doctor to ask the question. Doctors often get information from relatives, and although they won't discuss, they will take the information into account.
To go a bit further, you might actually tell your husband what you've done. He may be mad, but his past behaviour and the fact that he's been doing so well lately, means the stakes are high for you. It's something to consider anyway.
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Old 05-01-2014, 03:47 AM
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Please let's get back on topic here and address the original poster. Nobody's obeying anyone in her post, she is concerned for her husbands sobriety because of his pain issues needing attention.

Anxiouswife, when I first came here it was suggested strongly that I stop trying to second guess tomorrow because I lose all the joy in today. An oldtimer named Ogly used to throw that at me over and over and I was really frustrated because I KNEW my son and I KNEW what would happen. But she was right because what I didn't realize yet was that I had no control over what happened tomorrow or any other day.

Your husband will use or not use no matter what you do or don't do. i know that sounds absurd but it's the sad truth of how it is with addiction. If love could save our addicts, if anger could stop our addicts, if we had any control over their addiction at all...not one of us would be here.

There comes a time when we have to accept that they are going to make their own decisions, good or bad, and that we can only decide what is and what is not okay in our lives.

Your life choices are entirely up to you and you don't have to live in the fear of his next relapse. You can learn how to let go of the fear whether you stay with him or leave. You can learn how to live a life filled with happiness and find joy in each day...no matter how his days are going. Many of us found our balance at meetings, Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA are three similar fellowships that focus on us and our issues. There are also various family support meetings, Christian meetings, and others that have been helpful to several here.

It's hard to let go of trying to fix them, it's also hard to start fixing ourselves. But we're worth it and in the end, the only people we can control in this world is ourselves.

Hope you find some way to find peace in your life, no matter what you choose to do with it.

Hugs
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Old 05-01-2014, 07:04 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by SadWife7 View Post
"The wife is supposed to obey the man"
And the husband is supposed to love & cherish the wife & family.
No one should have to obey anyone. If I have to obey my husband then he has to no longer be an addict-Not possible.
Sorry, but, I have a really hard time with that idea. A marriage should be a partnership between equals. My 2 year old has to obey me. My husband tells me I have to have do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc as well as work full time...I say F*ck you. I don't tell him what to do, he doesn't tell me what to do. We can discuss things we want from each other & our relationship as equals. I'd rather be loved & respected than treated like a queen. If he treats me like a queen it's because he is doing something shady & wants to feel better about his own wrong actions.

Anxious, I am sorry for your situation. My husband is almost 2 months sober, and I have a lot of fear for the future. Right now things are going okay, thankfully. So I don't have any advice. I stayed with my husband despite believing that I probably shouldn't- I want to honor my vows and give him a chance. If we don't work out, I want there to be no regrets on my end that I didn't try to make the marriage work. However, if he falls back into active addiction, lying etc, that is my boundary line. I can accept relapse if he is honest & doesn't continue to use. We have a son & another child on the way, and I don't feel like an active addict in the house is healthy for any of us.
I really only posted because I was so angry at the last post on the thread. Although good points were made about the possibility of carpal tunnel being the problem.
And I do agree that spending hundreds on drug tests seems like too much. However, I am very fiscally tightfisted, and I also know that he could fake any drug test I gave him if he knew it was coming, so I personally would not waste the money on a regular basis. It is not something I won't do, but he will not be expecting it if I ever feel the need to, so my hope is that it would be accurate.
I do not "obey" my husband.
that is not the way our marriage works.

and I randomly drug test, so he doesn't know its coming but only when I feel like something is off. as busy as he's been and now we've been caught up in this back injury - there hasn't been one... because if he doesn't seem like hes using I don't waste my time or money! thanks for your reply
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Old 05-01-2014, 07:07 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Hi Anxious, your husband taking opiates again would be like me drinking again or a former smoker having a cigarette. The receptors will wake up and even with the best intentions the addiction will re-establish itself. Your husband may think he'll be safe with you holding the prescribed drugs, but as an addict he may go out and find them elsewhere.
I think the whole scenario poses huge risks for his recovery. One option is for you to write to his specialist and tell him/her that your husband is an addict. That could at least prompt the doctor to ask the question. Doctors often get information from relatives, and although they won't discuss, they will take the information into account.
To go a bit further, you might actually tell your husband what you've done. He may be mad, but his past behaviour and the fact that he's been doing so well lately, means the stakes are high for you. It's something to consider anyway.
thank you. I do feel like the stakes are very high, I am so glad you understand what I'm saying... he IS doing really well and I would hate for this legitimate reason to open a door that we've spent so much time trying to lock and walk away from.

I have been debating telling the doctor. and having him not say anything to my husband, if that's possible. I feel like it is my only say in the situation, and after all, I am his wife and have stuck to loving him unconditionally even when he REALLY doesn't deserve it Thanks again!!
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Old 05-01-2014, 08:11 AM
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It is not your responsibility to be his moral compass. And no you should not be telling his doctor, that is his to own and a choice only he can make. And it is really important for him to learn by his choices.

Sadly you don’t have the power to keep him clean, safe, or alive. You shouldn’t be his safety net, his I caught you in a lie, or any of that either. And the drug testing, way icky!

What you should have are your own boundaries…

Instead of a need on your part to tell his doctor which is unhealthy all the way around no matter how one justifies it.
You can place a boundary of I can not live with anyone who is not honest in all their affairs no matter the reason, even a legit one. Then You follow through. Then it is about you, what you need. And this isn’t to get him to do anything, but to find what YOU can and can’t live with.


And FYI, loving someone unconditionally should be a should, but it ends right there … it is good for your soul, and about you and way better than being riddled with anger and hate for another. Nothing is really about him. And staying in the marriage has nothing to do with unconditional love, nor does leaving mean one doesn’t.
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Old 05-01-2014, 08:57 AM
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I don't think it is your responsibility to tell the doctor, however I understand the powerful urge to do so.

Here is what I did for my father for a completely unrelated to addiction issue, however it was one my father would not speak to the dr about and I was concerned.

I called and got the fax number of the office.

I sent a fax to the doctor explaining the situation and the issue I was concerned with. I told him I understand HIPPA and that I was not asking for any info back, it was just that I knew my father would not tell him this and it is directly related to his health and his doctor needs to know.

I then faxed it over with very clear instructions to make sure it is read by the doctor and put in my father's chart. This was done.

I see the same doctor on occasion. He told me that while he cannot discuss my father's health with me, that what I did was immensely helpful in helping him effectively treat my father.

Just a thought......

Good Luck and God Bless!
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Old 05-01-2014, 11:25 AM
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Tramadol.

Tell him to ask for it, it's a painkiller, not an opiate, although it is addictive, so he does need to watch out over some period of time.

I am not a doctor, I don't know, but the ABF was in really bad pain after an injury and he told them he didn't want any narcotics, so that is what they put him on. They just had to watch him extra closely for dependence.
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Old 05-01-2014, 11:42 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Anxiouswife-now I know why that user name wasn't available !

My husband is very new to recovery (alcohol & opiates) & we haven't hit this particular bump in the road yet, but I worry that it is coming as we both get older & low back pain is already in our lives... so I'm in the unique position of telling you what I HOPE I will do!

I hope that I will be able to sit my hubby down & tell him my fears & get him to agree to either own up to the addiction problem with the doc or at the VERY least INSIST on no narcotics. (There are lots of medications out there that are non-narcotic-anti-inflammatories, non-narcotic pain relievers like Ultram/tramadol as mentioned in a previous post, etc.)

A lot of what we do as "the spouse" is hope, pray, chew our fingernails, & make promises to ourselves. What I try to do is make sure I set the boundaries I am comfortable with & stick to them--but its very easy for me to say since I haven't had to deal with any relapse issues.

Best wishes to you!
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Old 05-01-2014, 12:00 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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You know hopeful4, outside of the addiction is different. There was no risk in what you did, it wouldn’t have done anything but effect your dads health in a positive way.

When you go and tell a doctor that someone is an addict … Well you know what there is a huge possibility that this will negatively effect things. There is no way to predict how bad it could become medically and what it will bring to her home life as a reaction from him. And he will find out.
I don’t know why no one realizes that addicts aren’t stupid, the second that doctor asks anything in terms of addiction, he will get paranoid and suspicious and I sure know he will go to her first because she is the one pushing him to tell the doctor.



Tramadol is bad news no matter what they classify it as and it hit’s the same receptors. It comes with a huge contraindication not to be prescribe to anyone with an opiate addiction. Not a good choice. It also has a seizure risk for those taking more than the daily max dose. Which most addicts will do without a thought.
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Old 05-01-2014, 02:13 PM
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Just a reminder that medical advice is against the rules here and only a person's doctor can decide what is right for that person.

Thank you for understanding.
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Old 05-01-2014, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I don't think it is your responsibility to tell the doctor, however I understand the powerful urge to do so. Here is what I did for my father for a completely unrelated to addiction issue, however it was one my father would not speak to the dr about and I was concerned. I called and got the fax number of the office. I sent a fax to the doctor explaining the situation and the issue I was concerned with. I told him I understand HIPPA and that I was not asking for any info back, it was just that I knew my father would not tell him this and it is directly related to his health and his doctor needs to know. I then faxed it over with very clear instructions to make sure it is read by the doctor and put in my father's chart. This was done. I see the same doctor on occasion. He told me that while he cannot discuss my father's health with me, that what I did was immensely helpful in helping him effectively treat my father. Just a thought...... Good Luck and God Bless!
Good thing we have ACA because you just saddled dear old dad with a preexisting condition... Good luck and god bless!
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Old 05-01-2014, 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted by incitingsilence View Post
When you go and tell a doctor that someone is an addict … Well you know what there is a huge possibility that this will negatively effect things.
Oh, so true & a good point to make--my husband's doc did a compete 180 (attitude wise) when he opened up about his recent decision to go into rehab. He feels now as if the doc immediately assumes he's in because he's seeking. ugh.
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Old 05-01-2014, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by tabac210 View Post
Oh, so true & a good point to make--my husband's doc did a compete 180 (attitude wise) when he opened up about his recent decision to go into rehab. He feels now as if the doc immediately assumes he's in because he's seeking. ugh.
I think all doctors are just extra cautious now that they can get in so much trouble. I don't think it's anything personal.
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Old 05-02-2014, 06:28 AM
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so many facets to this discussion..when I think about it for too long my brain hurts.
It is so anxiety inducing to think that this substance could come back into my house, after the chaos and havoc it left last time. I don't want the doctor to pass judgment and not take my husband seriously. I know when the man is in pain, and he is...but I still find myself thinking "of COURSE this happens to YOU after all this." which isn't fair.

I think living with an addiction that I knew nothing about for a year or more, has bred a lot of resentment and a lot of unnecessary suspicion. I don't trust my gut the way I once did. All I can do is support him and decide if what happens later down the road, whatever the outcome, is working for me or not. "detaching" and "taking care of me" are the HARDEST concepts ive had to learn in life thus far.
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Old 05-02-2014, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by tabac210 View Post
Anxiouswife-now I know why that user name wasn't available !

My husband is very new to recovery (alcohol & opiates) & we haven't hit this particular bump in the road yet, but I worry that it is coming as we both get older & low back pain is already in our lives... so I'm in the unique position of telling you what I HOPE I will do!

I hope that I will be able to sit my hubby down & tell him my fears & get him to agree to either own up to the addiction problem with the doc or at the VERY least INSIST on no narcotics. (There are lots of medications out there that are non-narcotic-anti-inflammatories, non-narcotic pain relievers like Ultram/tramadol as mentioned in a previous post, etc.)

A lot of what we do as "the spouse" is hope, pray, chew our fingernails, & make promises to ourselves. What I try to do is make sure I set the boundaries I am comfortable with & stick to them--but its very easy for me to say since I haven't had to deal with any relapse issues.

Best wishes to you!
Thank you! I do a lot of chewing fingernails and making promises to myself and silent ones to my daughter... that I will give her the best life, regardless of what curveballs come our way. My sweet girl loves her dad SO much, that is another knife right in the heart when I think about how this could go.
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Old 05-04-2014, 11:30 AM
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in my state..once a medical provider is told of an opiate addiction it is in their medical file. medical files are online. my AH went to E.R. told them of withdrawal. next week went to family doctor. she saw on his file via computer opiate addiction. i think their coming up with a way to prevent doctor shopping. someone i know who is a alcoholic recovered used tylenol w codeine after a surgery. she said most she will take. that she sufferes the pain but thats her consequence for choices. good luck.
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Old 05-05-2014, 06:24 AM
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If you are staying within the same corporate hospital system, your MDs may very well be able to see your records electronically. They are now supposed to update your meds and problem list every visit. And this stuff is probably the first thing looked at during a visit. Some are taking the time to report all telephone calls and noting the pills are.nt lasting the length of time they should.

Secondly your insurance is possibly sending alerts about all the opiates prescribed and filled by other MDs at some trigger point to all of your MDs. This warning letter gets scanned into the EMR too.

This is just what I have observed at my work.
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Old 05-05-2014, 06:43 AM
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Anyone who was around my dear ol dad knew that this pre-existing condition was affecting the quality of his life. What I did was get dear ol dad some help because in his day unless you are next to dead you don't complain to the doctor. He thanked me himself because I told him what I did LOL.

Thanks for your input though.....

As far as telling the doctor about an addict, while it may seem like things could then happen in that household, are they not things that NEED to happen? Believe me, I understand. I was married to an addict for years and struggled with just this same topic.

I am certainly not telling anyone what to do or giving any advise. What I offered is what I did for my dad, nothing more, nothing less.


Originally Posted by Holli View Post
Good thing we have ACA because you just saddled dear old dad with a preexisting condition... Good luck and god bless!
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Old 05-05-2014, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
As far as telling the doctor about an addict, while it may seem like things could then happen in that household, are they not things that NEED to happen? Believe me, I understand. I was married to an addict for years and struggled with just this same topic.
Are you sure you understand?

I still after all my years shake my head and wonder why it is such a hard concept for the families to understand the level of unpredictability when dealing with someone who is an addict. To understand that this is a dangerous playground.

I guess the best thing I could offer is a self reflection. Valid questions one could ask themselves.

Will my need to do something/anything ... will my actions/reactions to another’s addiction put me in danger?

Maybe even better…

Did I even think there could be a danger to me to begin with?
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Old 05-06-2014, 08:12 AM
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Maybe I don't understand in the same way you do.

I just know what I know. I have dealt with a very unpredictable X who abuses alcohol with Xanax. I understand he has done things that I look at him and would not believe he did those things if I did not have proof. So I know all about the unpredictability of the addict.

I do understand that addicts can be dangerous. I understand you have to protect yourself. I also understand if you enable them the behavior continues. Like a good little girl I usto call in my X's Xanax RX and pick it up for him, knowing full well what he would do. To me, that is just a rinse and repeat cycle. I know that something has to break the cycle. I also know that is normally not the addict that breaks the cycle unless they are forced by consequences. Not every time, but many.

I don't know the answer and I won't. No one does, or we would not be here. It just seems to me that if you are going to take the approach of speaking to the doctor that is a way to do so. I certainly cannot tell someone what to do same as any of you telling them what not to do. I am not a certified specialist in any way, I have nothing but experience. Some of it has worked, some not.

As always on this board, anything I say, take what you want and leave the rest.
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