letter I wrote to my RABF
 

He is healthy alcohol & drug abusive recovery programs. Very active in these programs. But this is the letter I wrote to him this morning.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

To be honest and fair, if you wanted to move out, please do so. I’m tired of you saying it every time you get frustrated. I took a risk to move out with you and let you back to my life. I anticipate this day also when I made this decision.

I do not enjoy waking up in the morning and suddenly the rest of my day flops around. I never raise my voice for the last; I don’t know, 10-20 years. But I did that twice in less than 3 days. It frustrated. I do not enjoy take any form of verbal or mental abusive. I’m not a pleaser, at least anymore. I will speak up my mind and stand up for myself every time I need to. But if it happens too often, I also need to find a way to avoid or stay away from it to protect myself.

I’m sorry (I mean it, not just saying it for saying) that I do not know how to talk to you. All I thought I was just asking a simple question, but a lot of time, it turns out not the same case to you. You think I was accusing you. Just recently, I asked you to check the knife if it’s at work, I got slapped right back at by asking it. I asked you if you coming back for dinner when you would go out to a restaurant or pub to watch UFC for 3 hours. I got slapped again by asking to find out if I should make dinner. This morning, I asked you if you need lunch, and if you are not going to eat the leftovers in the fridge, then just throw it away. I raised your voice and said offensive word back at me right away. This is what I see and in my mind, I see foods in the fridge, I do not want to keep on making more or bigger portion of dinner, but then more foods just store in the fridge. I do not force myself to eat food I do not enjoy, so I never have problem you throw away any food. But I do not know what you will eat and what you don’t. There is cooked pasta, cornbeef, porkloin and Geoff bbq in the fridge. Should I keep on making a bigger portion dinner, so there is more leftover for the lunch next day? I just want to know which you will eat and which not. So I know how much I should make. I do not know which dishes you like and which you don’t. All I see is, there are foods in the fridge, and so should I make more? However, I never anticipate these conversations will turn into arguments. I obviously did not anticipate any offensive response or foul language back at any time of the day. When I told you I do not like to slap at or yell at. I MEAN IT. I’m not your mom. I will not take any form of abusive from you. Not even Sabrina can talk to me like that. No one on earth will ever talk to me like that, not at work, not my family, not my friends, my ex or even a stranger. This is called “RESPECT” and it’s what I have been asking for months. I will not let you continue to do that to me. Whenever you get frustrated for any reason, or even from me, you deal with it or find a way or time to raise your concern, but not blast it on me or anyone. It sounds silly, but I have been telling you so many times to don’t yell at me or slap at me, you do not listen, so lately I just give you the same treatment back, act the way you act back at you. Yell at you, banging doors and cupboard. Let you have the taste of yourself. Within 2 weeks, you couldn’t stand it and said you want to move out twice. I have been treated like this for the past. I did try to tell you about this abusive behavior for the past few months, yet you did not take it seriously. And now I’m tired of it because this is just not me.

I do think you have a huge anger management problem. And I do not enjoy being a sandbag. You might say it runs in your family, but this is not an excuse. There is ways to improve on how to manage your temper. If you think you need to take course or meeting for this area, you will have to do it. But it’s totally up to you. All I want to say is I do not want keep on being not respected. This is over my limit and I raised my concern. I saw these anger issues run in your dad, your brother or even your uncle. You mom willing to take all these, but I did not sign up for this when I entered this relationship. I let you belittled me in the past, but I learned and improved. I will not let this happen to myself anymore. I do not want to go back to that miserable life again. Loving someone does not need to be neither his doormat; nor his toy which when he is happy he will treat you if not, you do not receive any respect. I believe I deserve respect anytime of the day, not just sometime of the day. And I have my own value. I’m not perfect. I have my own problems and flaws, like everyone else. But I do not take my frustration to others. I expect the same from others. I need to protect my daughter too, I do not want her to think this is an acceptable behavior. I do not want her to grow up and have a boyfriend or husband yell at her and she thinks this is fine.

The trip, I don’t care much now. I don’t know why I anticipate that I will get slap at during the trip already. After booked the hotels and flight tickets, I kind of started worrying about this already. So I still haven’t book the car rental and Alcatraz yet, every day I just check them online to make sure they are still available. I never have this feeling when I went for a trip with my family or other before. But I have this worry when I go on a trip with you.

So if you want to move out or move back to your parents, it’s fine to me totally. As I said, I anticipated already. I’m not kicking you out like your parents or your brother, but you have been saying it few times when you got frustrated already. I do not want to wake up in a morning and have the surprise again. Please let me know.

----------------------------------------------------------

I don't get desperate today after the fight. But I do feel anger.

I think I learned quite a bit in the past few months. lol, I even look at this angry letter I wrote this morning and edited it again during lunch.

I think I will do fine without him.

-----------------------------
To be honest and fair, if you wanted to move out, please do so. I’m tired of you saying it every time you get frustrated. I took a risk to move out with you and let you back to my life. I anticipate this day when I made this decision.

I do not enjoy wake up in the morning and suddenly the rest of my day flips around. I never raise my voice for the last; I don’t know, 10 years. But I did that twice in less than 3 days. It frustrated. I do not enjoy take any form of verbal or mental abusive. I’m not a people-pleaser, at least anymore. I will speak up my mind and stand up for myself every time if I need to. But if it happens too often, I also need to find a way to avoid or stay away from it to protect myself.

I’m sorry that I do not know how to talk to you (I mean it, not just saying it for saying). All I thought I was just asking a simple question, but a lot of time, it turns out not the same case to you. You think I was accusing you. Just recently, I asked you to check the knife if it’s at work, I got slapped right back at by asking it. I asked you if you coming back for dinner when you would go out to a restaurant or pub to watch UFC for 3 hours. I got slapped again by asking just to find out if I should make dinner. This morning, I asked you if you need lunch, and if you are not going to eat the leftovers in the fridge, then just throw it away. You raised your voice and said offensive word back at me right away. This is what I see and in my mind, I see foods in the fridge, I do not want to keep on making more or bigger portion of dinner, but then more foods just store in the fridge. I do not force myself to eat food I do not enjoy, so I never have problem you throw away any food. But I do not know what you will eat and what you don’t. There is cooked pasta, cornbeef, porkloin and Geoff bbq in the fridge. Should I keep on making a bigger portion dinner, so there is more leftover for the lunch next day IN THE FRIDGE? I just want to know which you will eat and which not. So I know how much I should make. I do not know which dishes you like and which you don’t. All I see is, there are foods in the fridge, and so should I make more? However, I never anticipate these conversations will turn into arguments. I obviously did not anticipate any offensive response or foul language back at any time of the day. When I told you I do not like to slap at or yell at. I MEAN IT. I’m not your mom. I will not take any form of abusive from you. Not even Sabrina can talk to me like that. No one on earth ever talk to me like that, not at work, not my family, not my friends, my ex or even a stranger. This is called “RESPECT” and it’s what I have been asking for months. I will not let you continue to do that to me. Whenever you get frustrated for any reason, or even from me, you deal with it or find a way or time to raise your concern, but do not blast it on me or anyone. It sounds silly, but I have been telling you so many times to don’t yell at me or slap at me, you do not listen. So lately I just give you the same treatment back, act the way you act back at you. Yell at you, banging doors and cupboard. Let you have the taste of yourself. Within less than 2 weeks, you couldn’t stand it and said you want to move out twice. I have been treated like this for the past. I did try to tell you about this abusive behavior for the past few months are not acceptable anymore, yet you did not take it seriously. And now I’m tired of it because this is just not me and my lifestyle. I did not rise in a family calling out or yelling at each other all the times. This is not acceptable for me.

I do think you have a huge anger management problem. And I do not enjoy being a sandbag. You might say it runs in your family, but this is not an excuse. There is ways to improve on how to manage your temper. If you think you need to take courses or meetings for this area, you will have to do it. But it’s totally up to you. All I want to say is I do not want keep on being not respected. This is over my limit and I raised my concern. I saw these anger issues run in your dad, your brother or even your uncle. You mom willing to take all these, but I did not sign up for this when I entered to this relationship. I let you belittled me in the past, but I learned and improved. I will not let this happen to myself anymore. I do not want to go back to that miserable life again. Loving someone does not need to be neither his doormat; nor his toy which when he is happy he will treat you if not, you will not receive any respect. I believe I deserve respect anytime of the day, not just sometime of the day. And I have my own value. I’m not perfect. I have my own problems and flaws, like everyone else. But I do not take my frustration to others. I expect the same from others. I need to protect my daughter too; I do not want her to think this is an acceptable behavior. I do not want her to grow up and have a boyfriend or husband yells at her and she thinks this is fine.

The trip, I don’t care much now. I don’t know why I anticipate that I will get slap at during the trip already. After booked the hotels and flight tickets, I kind of started worrying about this already. So I still haven’t book the car rental and Alcatraz yet, every day I just check them online to make sure they are still available. I never have this feeling when I went for a trip with my family or other before. But I have this worry when I go on a trip with you.

I see no respect from you to me. Whenever u disagreed something with me, you either give me a look that I’m stupid or slap at me. So many times, I had a good day from work, went to pick you up and had a conversation. Half of the time, I felt like I should not even start talking at all. When you disagree something with others, you do not give them that look or yell at them. But you put up these disgusting look& talk to your mom and me. When you said you disagreed with your sponsor about something he told you to not follow or listen to someone (I forget his name) in the step group, you explained yourself to him. You did not giving him the look, walk away or yell at him. But you will do this to me and think I’m ridiculous or something when you disagree with me. This is the respect I’m talking. I’m not stupid; I understand what these looks and eyes rolling means. I did not sign up for a relationship for you to belittle me or talk down to me. I do not deserve to be name called too, all these drama queen, bitch, nitpicking, and hypocrite. Some words when you said it out loud deliberately, it’s no one easy sorry can be forget or forgive. It will even give it few more kicks when it keeps on happening. It hurts people and damages all forms of relationship.

So if you want to move out or move back to your parents, it’s fine to me totally. As I said, I’ve anticipated already. I’m not kicking you out like your parents or your brother, but you have been saying it every time you got frustrated. I do not want to think this is the way of manipulation or guilt trip from you to me when you mentioned it. I do not want to wake up in a morning and have the surprise again. Please let me know when you make the decision.

Gabriel, you deserve so much better than this and I think your word expresses your feelings very clearly. The thing is, he may not listen, even to the written word.

Whether he does or not, your feelings are valid and you have the right to choose what is okay in your life and what is not. You have a child to consider and you are right when you say that the child learns from their environment. You don't want to raise an abuser or someone who allows anyone to abuse them.

I know this is hard and I hope you find a way to distance yourself from this kind of behaviour. It's sad to wake up cringing at what the day might bring or to worry how someone will react to everything you say or do.

And as for the cooking, let him do his own and cook what you enjoy yourself. If he doesn't appreciate what you prepare, then maybe it's time he prepared his own dinner....this is coming from a woman who doesn't like to cook and danged if I'd cook for any man who was less than grateful, lol.

I hope you find your peace and happiness, with or without him in your life.

Hugs

Gabriel,

Your post made me so sad for you. You sound like such a giving and goodhearted woman. I hope , like Ann, that you find happiness, with or without him. If he does not respect you, he does not deserve you.

you have our support. I think you spoke from the heart and if that letter does not reach him, nothing you can say will. You may have to move on, to find happiness, and peace for you and your child. you deserve it. You and your child should have happy days, without anger and tension.

hugs
chicory