Yogagurl

I would like to welcome opinions and experiences when you have had to leave an addict blind-sidedly (if that is a word). I don't know if it's my co-dependent nature or my oh-so-convicting conscience that is keeping me from doing this, but I feel if I leave my AH, I will have to do so by packing up while he is at work and leaving a note at the door. But speaking with him, he is SOOOOOOO good at manipulating, telling you what you need to hear to get through the episode, etc. that I feel like I would have to NOT speak to him to get over the hump of leaving him. Does that make sense? I say I'm going to leave (in my mind) and then he goes through, "You are the best thing in my life, I can't live without you, I love you so much, I'm going to do better, I'm sorry I get so stressed out and turn to drugs, I'm sorry I was having a bad day" etc, etc, etc...

But I feel really guilty by thinking I would be leaving him on his own with nowhere to live and blind siding him like that. He is really volatile when he doesn't get his way, so there is definitely an element of fear involved. If you have any feedback or opinions, or if you have a story to share about leaving your addict abruptly, could you please share? I am hoping the experiences shared will help with the momentum of doing this, but I'm just feeling so guilty about leaving him like that.

Many, many thanks -

Love and light.

biminiblue

Absolutely leave without notice, and no forwarding address. If he is volatile, the period surrounding you leaving is the most dangerous time for you. I'd go so far as to say you should leave with the help of a Domestic Violence Specialist.

What he is doing isn't love. Don't be fooled.

lightseeker

Everytime that I warned my ex husband that I was leaving he swore his undying love, inability to do without me, "I'm going to change/be different", etc. So, in short, he said all the right words that kept me right there with him. FOR WAY TOO LONG.

It wasn't until I abruptly left that it finally ended. Yes, I cried the entire day as the movers came. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I was worried that it meant that he would spiral down and possibly die.

Well....I was placing myself in a place of importance that wasn't warranted. He has had his ups and downs, had a pretty big relapse, but....like the cockroach of addiction that he is, he has landed on his feet and has a new girlfriend as his latest hostage. He has ended up doing just grand without me.

My ex could be very verbally and emotionally abusive and was physically abusive twice. It was after the 2nd time that I finally left for good. I was scared for many months and had to withstand the barrage of attempts for reconciliation/further abuse when I wouldn't succumb. The only thing that finally worked was going no contact. I could have saved myself a lot of angst/chaos post separation if I had really stood strong with no contact.

I felt pretty guilty about it all but I think it was Cynical One that reminded me that the things I felt guilty about were ALL in response to his actions and behaviors. Actually, I had nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, what I was TRULY doing for probably the first time was taking care of me.

Don't know if that helps at all but it was my experience.

AnvilheadII

that you can NOT tell your partner you are done and are leaving and rely upon THEM to handle that with maturity and understanding says so very much. he doesn't have enough love and respect to want WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. his only concern is how to keep his own little gig going....your leaving would be a statement about HIS behavior and that is something he simply cannot allow.

so no, you have nothing to feel guilty about. and yes, you should probably do so with as little fanfare and advance warning as possible. have your plan in place and solid. don't tell him where you are going. he's a full grown adult, he can feed himself, remember to wear a coat when it's raining, and conduct his own life all by himself. that should be a GIVEN for ANY adult.

take care of you. you've spent way too long trying to take care of him.

chicory

Sounds like you know the safest thing is to do it non-face to face.

be safe at all costs and do not ignore your gut telling you to do this without telling him.

you do not owe him more than that, as he is a manipulator for some reason-he wants his way-does not care about what you need or want.

be safe.

February13

I had told my ex I would leave if he didn't stop using.
His answer was that I better take everything I wanted to keep as he would destroy anything I left behind. He doesn't have a history of violence but I took him to his word.The thing is he hardly ever leaves his house.
I signed a lease in May (2012) that began in June. For the entire month of June I packed a few boxes at the time and dropped them off at the new place being careful to call it Susan's place (Susan was the very friendly Landlady) so that if my 2 year old mentioned we went to Susan's I could say she was an Alanon friend. I usually took my daughter to a fun place after dropping off the boxes so she would be less likely to talk about it. Zoo, Aquarium, the restaurant with the fun play area, the park. It was a very slow process but by the time we spent our first night at the new place (beginning of july) my daughter was very happy to be there. We had a lot of our stuff and we had spent a lot of time playing there so she was very comfortable being there.
Our departure was not abrupt but it was a total surprise to my ex.
He had not seen it coming at all. If he had not been high he might have noticed that
the only clothes left in the walk-in were the stuff that was too small (for myself and for my girl).
It was a crazy way to leave but it worked well for us.
I did feel guilty sometimes, I kind of lived a lie for over a month, pretending all was normal. Thinking about stuff like finding a flap of heroin in my daughter's bed made me get over the guilt.

I often thought of the Alanon slogans during that time. First things first, one day at a time,Just for today.They helped me do what I had to do and gave me hope.
In your case "easy does it" or "keep it simple" might help.

Ann

Good luck, YogaGirl, I agree that you need to do what you need to do and whatever is the safest and best way for you is the way to go.

Hugs

sojourner

It is the nature of addiction that they leave, and leave blind-sided at that. I was not afraid of my AS in a physical way, but even when I told him he would have to be out at the end of the month, he still left in a blind-sided way. He made no preparation to live anywhere. He walked away and got in his car with only the clothes on his back. I am sure that he told everyone that he had been blind-sided, and unfortunately we know that a ton of people believe that.

That is our guilt kicking in by even labeling it the way we do (blind-siding).

I just watched the movie "28 Days." In the version with the director's comments, the director had visited a rehab for 3 days before shooting the movie. What struck her was on Family Day when the family gave their side of the story. That director was surprised by those stories. She had been hearing the addict stories for 3 days, and it was a real reality check for her to hear the deeply destructive behavior that the addict had been inflicting on the family on a regular basis.

Keep coming back...

hopeful4

If you fear him, of what he might do, verbally or physically, definitely do no face to face. Then be prepared to remain no contact. There will be two things that will happen. For my XAH it goes back and forth. I have to have contact, we have children. Believe me, if we did not I wouldn't!

My XAH (and about a million others on this forum) reacted in this manner. First it was, "I am so sorry, I will change. I will do ANYTHING to keep us together. I will use antabuse,I will do anything." Once he saw that would not work he went to Mr. Mean I will call him. Saying lies about me to both other people and to himself. He has convinced himself I am having an affair, etc. etc. (I am not BTW, he is just an idiot).

Then the fun really began. I don't know who I am going to get from day to day. So, I keep on my side of the street. I speak to him only about our children, nothing else. I don't let him manipulate me. I don't let him make false promises. I don't let him scare me. It's an up and down road but for the first time in my life, I don't let his feelings affect me at all. However, I have been prepared for this for a very long time.

Think about you. Keep yourself safe, physically and mentally. Turn him over to God.

Good Luck and Stay Safe!

XXX

Yogagurl

Thank you all for your comments, suggestions, opinions, and stories. These have all been very helpful to me in making the decision to go cold turkey, no contact. You marry someone and you think, "I can't marry someone and just turn away, change my number, and do so in secret; I mean, I married him." There's a big commitment there, and a lot of love, a lot of what could have been and what would have been. So, when you have to do something behind that persons back, even if they have been deceiving you, I feel convicted. I feel dishonest. I'm a really honest person, with a HUGE heart, endless empathy. I can't watch animal shelter commercials without turning away for goodness sake. It's hard to plan something so secretively. I think I will be OK. I mean, I HAVE to be OK. He's gone full throttle cocaine addict in the way of three weeks, which makes him delusional, completely dysfunctional, and isolated because he's hiding in the house doing it and driving back and forth to get more. Forget confrontation; he just wants to do his dope and calling him out on it doesn't change that he's going to do his dope. There is nothing you can say that will stop him from that run.

Like I said, I will be fine. I just need to be comfortable with the deceit in it all, which is the most difficult thing for me to get over.

hopeful4

I completely understand what you are saying.

I am just betting he is not the same man you married, just remember that.

XXX

Yogagurl

Thanks again for all the feedback. I finally applied for a place, which was a huge step for me. I'm looking to sell some things and get the money up to get out of dodge as well. Please keep me in your thoughts. The next 6 months are going to be rough. I am hopeful that the opportunities will present themselves as long as I am doing what is best for myself - that I will meet people be presented with circumstances that will help me on my journey forward.

Best.