LoveMeNow

My husband and I separated almost 2 months ago. We have had very little contact but enough to keep my emotions raw. No contact was much harder then I ever anticipated.

I know he is still active, not even working a program at all. A couple weeks ago, after he tapered down, he asked if I would help him detox, yet again. Help....just means being "there". Nothing really for me to do but be supportive and be with him. I said yes but later changed my mind after he put some "conditions" on me and I went no contact again.

Yesterday, he asked if we could talk and I agreed. I have to admit, my own withdrawals were full blown. He told me he may be moving 3 hrs away for work. (Which I doubt he will, but I could be wrong). He then got emotional and told me he could not "live with himself" knowing all the pain and damage he has caused to me. The guilt eats him alive, wishes he could turn back time but knows he can't."

So......he is giving me his condo. He will move out and let me have it, furnishings and all, whether he moves or not. He will pay the rent for at least 6 months or until I get on my feet again. (I LOVE the place, it's a great deal, and I think I can afford it without his help). I was in shock. He explained that he could live anywhere, he travels lighter, needs to know I am happy and that I am safe." He said "I deserve it, not him." He "owes me at least this much."

I was flooded with emotions! Some happy and some so very sad. I was so sad to think of him moving away but even sadder to hope that he does. I am so sad to know our marriage is so broken, it can not be repaired. Even sadder, to know I don't want to. All I could think is "wow, what a mess we have had made of things and how did we get here?" The pain of knowing it is really over is immeasurable. It hurts so much to see that he has accepted it too but not completely. He has surrendered to his own fate and his disease. "It is what it is."

So he will be going away later in the week/weekend, seeing his old best friend and business partner to talk about things. Although I know this rekindled friendship will be, IMO, will be the worst thing for him, recovery wise, I also know he will be much happier. And as oddly as it sounds and feels, I really do hope that they can work something out. For so long, I just wanted my husband to get and stay clean. Now, I just want him to be happy!! I no longer want to try and change him and it feels so strange, it even feels sad.

I honestly think that if I tried to manipulate him enough, he would probably give "recovery" another try. But I know it wouldn't be for him and it just won't work. We have done it too many times. I have accepted that without the gift of desperation, he may never stop despite saying how much he claims to hate it. He has to NEED it and I just don't see that. I am not even sure if he did, it would change anything for me. I don't think it would and that's where it hurts the most.

I can not even explain my emotions. I know I should be happy and I am but I feel such deep sadness too. But I do feel comfort knowing God has a plan, I just need to trust it and that I will be ok. I will be great!

If endings symbolize new beginnings, why are the goodbyes so hard?

biminiblue

Someone mentioned, "When one door closes another one opens, but it's the long dark hallway in between that's scary."

Sounds like you've reached "DONE." Good for you. It gets better from here.

Chino

That is true love. It isn't something we're born doing, it's born out of an emotional maturation process. You have evolved, you've grown, and now you love deeper than you ever have. As you love yourself, so you love others.

LoveMeNow

Thank you (((Chino))). I have to be honest, it is a very uncomfortable feeling at the moment. I hope it passes soon.

lizwig

Sending thoughts your way today LMN...I wish your husband would fight for himself...say he's done and never look back. It's the same I wish for my son....but it's not up to us unfortunately. I also have accepted my son may never be done, but I would at least like to know he's happy. He's not, he's miserable, tells me all the time. But just not miserable enough since he has an offer of rehab waiting on him and shows no real interest. Big hug to you...none of this is easy.

story74

Just keep feeling. It sounds like you are getting closer and closer to letting go and just letting him be. It is sad because it is an end to a relationship.

Ann

Once you get past the anger, the denial that it is "that bad" and the resentment because it IS, the fear of starting again and the frustration...comes the grief for the loss of what was a part of your life, for the loss of your dreams for the future, for the loss of hope that you could save him even when he wouldn't save himself. When the pain of grief finally comes, the anger becomes compassion and the resentments are healed by forgiveness, it's how we heal.

It takes time to process grief and all its stages, it takes time to heal from the pain until one day the wounds have become scars and you are stronger again for the process. Then, and only then, can the new beginnings come.

You are "in between" and that is not a bad place to be. It is how you get from where you were to where you are going and it's where you heal and wait and renew your spirit.

We cannot make this easier for you, the only way through pain is to look it in the eye and walk through it. But you WILL come out the other side and when you do, look out world, here comes LMN.

I am glad you got the condo, it's a place you can call your home and I know how much you liked it. It sounds like a good place to heal. What happens after the move will unfold as it may and I really do hope that one day he will see the light and find help. But your life is no longer on hold waiting and that's a good place to be...even if it hurts.

Love you lots, you WILL be okay. It's all one day at a time so don't fret about the future, just embrace the beauty of the day.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

are you SURE you want to take this "deal" he's offering? I thought you had plans to go be near your sister and leave all "this" behind? sound like a HOOK to me........

LoveMeNow

I decided a while ago not to move near my sister when another local opportunity/door opened. But that is taking longer then expected. (Under renovations and will be for another month and the waiting has been a struggle.)

I am not sure I would accept his offer unless he does move 3 hrs away. I will not be "subletting" it. Actually, there is a clause about moving over 100 miles (?). It would have to be upfront and legit with the owner.

I will know more next week but I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Is there a hook? Probably some where but I think I can avoid it if I do everything upfront and honest. My emotions are a mess but my head is in a much better place.

As always, more will be revealed.

hopeful4

No matter what you decide, stay strong. Your head is in the right place, don't let those heart strings push it out of the way!

XXX