Leftover

I haven't posted or stalked on here for a long time. When I detach, I really detach. After many, many years of alcohol and drug addiction in my life, I finally called it quits. I told him "I will no longer be part of your addiction." "I will no longer help you through any crisis." "I will not help with any of your responsibilities." "I'm done." I meant every word and still do. Twenty years of it was enough. But, he turned on me. He blamed me for his trouble. He hated me for the kind of mother I was. He told me to stay out of his life. He has taken himself and his children out of our family. As long as I was useful, all was well. However, when I stopped enabling, he got evil. I have not seen him or his family in many, many months. I must say my life is calmer and I'm not full of anxiety; waiting, waiting, waiting for the next crisis. I'm sure there have been many, but not knowing is a relief. I am sad, desperately sad. I've lost a child and 4 grandchildren and now have to learn to live my life without them. I don't hope for reconciliation. After what he has said to me and how he has treated me, I don't believe it's possible to have an honest mother-son bond again. That is so hard. Can anyone help me see the other side of this? A side not filled with such sadness.

Ann

I am sorry that your loss went far beyond losing an active addict in your life. Mine too. I lost 2 grandchildren as well as my son when his addiction took over and everything else fell apart.

I don't know your circumstance but perhaps if you contact the grandchildren on your own, you may be able to stay in contact with them. Sometimes families just step back and don't want to appear to take sides when a marriage falls apart. If these children have always been an important part of your life, then maybe that can continue?

Addiction is truly a family disease and I hate what it does to the loved ones who aren't addicted to anything.

Hugs

chicory

Leftover,
I'm so sorry. They say the hardest things to do are often the best things . Perhaps this will work out in a way that is best for all. Perhaps your relationship with the grandchildren is on hold for now, but will return . I pray that for you. At least you do not have to watch the destruction from the front row.

my best.
chicory

Leftover

Thanks for the support Ann and Chicory. My sons family is still intact, as far as I know. I can not imagine it will stay that way. My grandchildren are tiny and they will not know me. Living in a home filled with the disfunction of addiction will take its toll on those babies, but again it is out of my control. I gave up a long time ago thinking I could in any way change this situation. I nearly lost myself trying to do just that. I am more peaceful not standing on the front line. The saying is somewhat true..."out of sight, out of mind". But I have guilt for feeling that way. I loved my son, but I do not love the drug addicted alcoholic. I don't trust him. I don't believe him. I'm not proud of him. I'm afraid of him. After 20 years of addiction I don't have much hope it will turn around. My son is gone and in his place is a stranger. I find it remarkable that no matter the situation, it is not unique. Many mothers have lost their children and grandchildren. Knowing I'm not alone, gives me comfort. Thank you for listening.

sojourner

Leftover: I came on here today filled with the same sadness. I just saw my estranged son last week. He had his little daughter with him. She is now 2 years old, and this is the first time I have seen her or she has seen me. Yet it was my initially saying to my son (5 years ago) that I could no longer help support his lifestyle that caused this estrangement.

This has gone on for so long - much longer than I had thought. After seeing my son and his daughter (my one and only grandchild) last week, I am filled with doubts about myself. It hit me in church this AM that one of my biggest doubts is with myself - what kind of mother am I? What kind of mother would do this? The world is full of little stories about how parents and grandparents stepped in to raise the little ones and how they literally "saved" those little ones from a life of misery. Yet here I am voluntarily staying away... Yet if I were to try and be "available," that would destroy me financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

After seeing him last week, I do not see any change in my son. Yes, he is attentive to his little daughter, and that is good. But his brain is still foggy. He does not talk to anyone. He NEVER initiates any kind of conversation - he MIGHT respond to a conversation someone else starts. He barely responds if someone asks him a direct benign question. We were at the college graduation of my other son, and at one point I did hear this AS comment, "that's why I do not go to college." This from a young man who lives in poverty, has no home, has no car, no driver's license, and works minimum wage jobs. What is wrong with his brain? Is this damage from drugs or something else? I am told he does not do drugs any more - that he does not have time between working and watching his little girl. So what is wrong with him?

Time for me to step up my meetings.

Hang in there Leftover. You are not alone in this, and it helped me that you started this post. I hope that my sharing my concerns above helps you to see that many of us are in this gray zone and really are not privy to the truth of the matter yet feel so guilty for stepping back and then having them react by their own distancing.

Leftover

Sojourner, I felt comfort to know I was not the only mother who stepped away from the addiction. I keep saying to myself that I did not turn my back. I did not stop loving. I did not stop caring. I stepped back and stopped enabling and let his life zigzag in the direction he took it. All my efforts to keep him on an even keel, never did one good thing. Oh, maybe for a short time, but not in the long run. It felt like I was stretching a rubber band, trying to keep it taut, but eventually it snapped and I was devastated. Over and over and over again. I know that is addiction is far more important to him than I am. I know I can't change his situation. I do feel the same guilt you do though. I see posters and sayings on Facebook like "IF YOU HAVE A SON YOU LOVE AND WILL DO ANYTHING FOR, REPOST THIS.." Really, am I suppose to do "anything " for him? I did everything for him and now he has shut me out. Our sons must be a lot alike. When he did spend time with us, he was never tuned into the ongoing conversation. He spoke off topic and at time inappropriately. I do believe something is altered in his brain due to long term (20 yrs) alcoholism and drug addiction, many overdoses and several suicide attempts. He was just brilliant. Has several degrees and had every opportunity for wonderful jobs. Like your son, he and his family rent a tiny little place (after being homeless). He has no drivers license ( 3 DUI'S). No car. No job. No future and he is middle aged. Truly heartbreaking. How are we as Mothers, supposed to accept with Grace, that our child is dead when he still walks this Earth? I wish I knew. At times, I drop the guilt and feel good, but at other times, it just rocks me to my core. I have other children and grandchildren, and so I know what I am missing. I'm trying and I hope you are too. I wish there was a forum just for moms of alcoholic drug abusers. You too, sojourner, hang in there and message me anytime you walk to talk.

lizwig

Thank you sojourner and leftover....I REALLY needed to read your messages tonight. Another mom here...no grandchildren yet (that I'm aware of)...we've been dealing with this for about 7 years and I'm afraid I see no light at the end of this tunnel. I hear you loud and clear about the inspirational mothering quotes...I'm not willing to give up all the positive things I receive on Facebook so when I see those it makes me swallow...hard. I'm happy for my friends....I'm glad they don't have to deal with what we all face...some days are just harder than others. Things compound and try as you might they simply overwhelm us sometimes. I am so thankful for this forum. I know I am not alone and I find great strength through everyone here. Big group mom hug!!! Of course you partners can join in too!!

sojourner

Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a "not yet" that feels like a "not ever." Waiting is the hardest work of hope.

Lewis Smeades



Posted by Sojourner who waits and yet hopes and yet seeks the courage to move into her own successful life.

Leftover

Waiting is too heartbreaking for me after all these years. I think the possibility of his recovery is slim. Do I believe in miracles? I suppose, but waiting for that keeps me on the edge of the brink. Too hard. He is gone. I'm sad. It is so helpful to express feelings on this forum that may not be acceptable in the " real" world. Things I would never say aloud, for fear of being judged by those not walking in my shoes. Thank you everyone. Thank you all the moms.

sojourner

Have a great day, Leftover!. Life is worth living and living well! I know in your OP you were hoping to hear how to see the other side of this. I would think you are in a time of the grieving process, possibly started by this latest interaction with your son. If that is so, the only way out is through. You have been around and dealt with this long enough that I am confident you know how to get through that to a peaceful, accepting place once again.

(((Hugs)))