Help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Help!
UGH!
So I get a call from my XAH. I haven't heard from him since Nov 2012. I think he texted me in December, but he never left a name. So I ignored.
He left a message saying that he was out of state visiting his mom. His step father is dying and he is "staying with her and helping her out". He said he knows it has been a long time, but he would like to reconnect with our son and talk to him on the phone. He told me that he (probably his mom) would be making a child support payment tomorrow. He was very serious, no apologies and at one point it sounded like he was going to break down in tears.
My reaction:
When I listened to the voicemail a part of me was excited because my son would like nothing more than to talk to his dad.
My interest is peeked. Did he break ties from the cocaine enablers? Is he with his mom to support her, but also to get healthy? Being/staying with his mom sounds good...unless his gal pal is with him.
Ok, so what do I do?
If I call him and he isn't being honest with me about drug use and won't admit to being an addict, what is the point? My son is going to ask him a million questions about him being sick. What if he doesn't admit it? What if he is rude and disrespectful to me? I can't handle it.
Maybe I should write him a letter and let him understand my boundries and my expectations? Then maybe he can write my son a letter, and we can take it slow? I don't want to deny my son a relationship with his father, but his father MUST be healthy.
Suggestions? I really don't feel like I can ignore this. At least he is outta state!!!! lol!
So I get a call from my XAH. I haven't heard from him since Nov 2012. I think he texted me in December, but he never left a name. So I ignored.
He left a message saying that he was out of state visiting his mom. His step father is dying and he is "staying with her and helping her out". He said he knows it has been a long time, but he would like to reconnect with our son and talk to him on the phone. He told me that he (probably his mom) would be making a child support payment tomorrow. He was very serious, no apologies and at one point it sounded like he was going to break down in tears.
My reaction:
When I listened to the voicemail a part of me was excited because my son would like nothing more than to talk to his dad.
My interest is peeked. Did he break ties from the cocaine enablers? Is he with his mom to support her, but also to get healthy? Being/staying with his mom sounds good...unless his gal pal is with him.
Ok, so what do I do?
If I call him and he isn't being honest with me about drug use and won't admit to being an addict, what is the point? My son is going to ask him a million questions about him being sick. What if he doesn't admit it? What if he is rude and disrespectful to me? I can't handle it.
Maybe I should write him a letter and let him understand my boundries and my expectations? Then maybe he can write my son a letter, and we can take it slow? I don't want to deny my son a relationship with his father, but his father MUST be healthy.
Suggestions? I really don't feel like I can ignore this. At least he is outta state!!!! lol!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Writing a letter sounds like a smart place to start. Slow and steady. You don't want to jump in and your son get expectations to be left feeling unlovable or abandoned again. Kids have a way of taking everything someone does personal and blaming themselves. Especially a parent.... Half of themselves. It's important to tell kids it's not their fault. I gove my daughter and son healthy reminders all the time... And I tell my kids the same. Daddy's got a disease that he needs help with or he will do bad stuff. Honest and to the point. Kids are smart!!!! My husband has had a bad habit of giving false hope and promises. Saying stuff like daddy is never going away again... And then him getting locked up again, binge, and now long term rehab. So it's safe to say my kids (at least my oldest) knows not to trust him fully. (She's 7) she still adores him.
Slow and steady seems smart and try to get a feel for what he says. A conversation between u two would be necessary to get a feel for his true intentions.
Slow and steady seems smart and try to get a feel for what he says. A conversation between u two would be necessary to get a feel for his true intentions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Well, I wrote him a letter. His response will determine if he is using or not! I told him he needs to be honest about being an addict, and asked if he was going to rehab or seeking counseling. I told him we only needed honest and healthy in our life.
We will see...
We will see...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
See if he sends the support payment tomorrow. That will tell you if his actions match his words.
He may just be having a "moment" and I wouldn't risk your child's disappointment until you are certain he is clean and stable in his recovery.
I really hope he is on a good path but only time will tell you if he can stay there. For now please keep your son emotionally safe.
hugs
He may just be having a "moment" and I wouldn't risk your child's disappointment until you are certain he is clean and stable in his recovery.
I really hope he is on a good path but only time will tell you if he can stay there. For now please keep your son emotionally safe.
hugs
Last edited by Ann; 04-24-2014 at 04:23 AM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Thanks! It is funny how much we all want them to get better. I hear he is out of state and with his mom and I immediately think, "He has hit bottom and is seeking recovery" I was excited for my son. I wrote the letter. Even stuck it in the mailbox. Then, I started thinking...is he STILL in a relationship with that disgusting woman. Because if he is, there is NO WAY he is seeking sobriety. So, I just had to check her facebook account. Now, maybe it is not up=to=date, BUT it still says she is in a relationship. Stupid I know. But reality hit me. He is with his mom. Why, I am not sure. He talked to her. She told him what to do. She is giving him money for child support. Who knows how long he has been there. This crazy woman might even be there with him.
The thing is WHO KNOWS!?
I will go great lengths to protect my son. I am trying to do what is best for my son.
I bet you 10 bucks he is just doing what his mom told him to do. He means well, but I doubt he is getting help.
I don't want to deal with an addict. Especially after he has been partying all around town for the past year and a half.
I wish I could ignore him. But, I know my son would want to talk to him. At least he only has 2 hours supervised visits a week if it ever comes back to legal matters.
Send me blessings!!!!!
The thing is WHO KNOWS!?
I will go great lengths to protect my son. I am trying to do what is best for my son.
I bet you 10 bucks he is just doing what his mom told him to do. He means well, but I doubt he is getting help.
I don't want to deal with an addict. Especially after he has been partying all around town for the past year and a half.
I wish I could ignore him. But, I know my son would want to talk to him. At least he only has 2 hours supervised visits a week if it ever comes back to legal matters.
Send me blessings!!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I agree with the others who suggested "slow and steady". I think the letter was a good idea also. There could be a multitude of reasons he reached out to you. I will pray it was done with a solid, serious intent and desire to be a positive influence in his sons life. It has to be comforting to have the supervised visitation already in place just in case it doesn't work out that way... very smart to have it locked down. I know this has to be very stressful for you. It sounds like its been a year and half.. so in a many ways he is a stranger; his current health, financial situation, lifestyle choices... Your a great mom & my heart goes out to you. Sending Blessings ..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Story....
This will continue and it is a pattern I have seen far too often with my daughter.
They have a little moment of clarity...probably brought on by something his mom said....
They reach out.....and see what the response is.
He is "Taking your temperature".....or dipping his big toe in the water.
If the door is slammed shut....then you have to find a way to leave it slammed shut by ignoring his efforts.
If the door is cracked open a wee bit.....he will wedge that big toe in and inch by inch...you will be back on the crazy train.
IMHO....if they are truly serious....they will work a program and have a long list of solid accomplishments and they will MOVE MOUNTAINS to show you they are recovering, honoring their obligations....on and on.
When you react to what they react to what you react to what they react....the dance continues.
The flip side.....
When you do what you do....regardless of him
When he does what he does....regardless of you
That is when you know you have something to work with.
The suggestion of sitting on your hands for 24 hours is really good advice.
I always ended up with a different perspective....and more information always revealed itself and then I was glad I didn't take the bait.
This will continue and it is a pattern I have seen far too often with my daughter.
They have a little moment of clarity...probably brought on by something his mom said....
They reach out.....and see what the response is.
He is "Taking your temperature".....or dipping his big toe in the water.
If the door is slammed shut....then you have to find a way to leave it slammed shut by ignoring his efforts.
If the door is cracked open a wee bit.....he will wedge that big toe in and inch by inch...you will be back on the crazy train.
IMHO....if they are truly serious....they will work a program and have a long list of solid accomplishments and they will MOVE MOUNTAINS to show you they are recovering, honoring their obligations....on and on.
When you react to what they react to what you react to what they react....the dance continues.
The flip side.....
When you do what you do....regardless of him
When he does what he does....regardless of you
That is when you know you have something to work with.
The suggestion of sitting on your hands for 24 hours is really good advice.
I always ended up with a different perspective....and more information always revealed itself and then I was glad I didn't take the bait.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Ah, the bait. Well, I do feel like I have to respond. I made a boundry that I would not respond to a text, but I will respond to a phone call. I owe that to my son and to him.
That being said, I was honest to him. I told him he must admit his addiction and be in recovery or this won't work. Point Blank. I told him I am not pretending he is "sober" when he isn't. The elphant has left the room. I told him that my son has been well educated on his drug addiction and will be asking him many questions...is he willing to answer these questions? I told him that he may write my son a letter AND that I need to know what type of recovery he is in. If he replies only to my son, he is still using. If he replies to both my son and answers my questions, that shows a little effort and maybe they can continue a pen pal relationship and build trust.
I think writing is so much better than a phone call and feel comfortable with it.
We will see. I am in a better place than the previous 2 times he disappeared. I amnot going to make it easy for him for sure, because my son is getting older and doesn't need the disappoinment, lies and manipulation.
I do hope he is healthy, but I'm not holding my breath. It is time for him to become accountable for his actions.
That being said, I was honest to him. I told him he must admit his addiction and be in recovery or this won't work. Point Blank. I told him I am not pretending he is "sober" when he isn't. The elphant has left the room. I told him that my son has been well educated on his drug addiction and will be asking him many questions...is he willing to answer these questions? I told him that he may write my son a letter AND that I need to know what type of recovery he is in. If he replies only to my son, he is still using. If he replies to both my son and answers my questions, that shows a little effort and maybe they can continue a pen pal relationship and build trust.
I think writing is so much better than a phone call and feel comfortable with it.
We will see. I am in a better place than the previous 2 times he disappeared. I amnot going to make it easy for him for sure, because my son is getting older and doesn't need the disappoinment, lies and manipulation.
I do hope he is healthy, but I'm not holding my breath. It is time for him to become accountable for his actions.
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