How and when does it get better?
 

I'm new to this sight and am already so thankful for the stories, experiences and advice I have read through. Up until now I have felt completely alone in a losing battle. Four years ago I reunited (by chance with the help of Facebook) with my very first teenage love. It had been 22 years since we had lost touch. The moment I saw him I immediately fell back in love -as if I was 15 again. The first 6 months were incredible but i couldn't help to feel that he was hiding something. He eventually admitted to me that he was a crack addict and had been for 15+ years.
The last 3 1/2 years of our relationship has been filled with mostly fights, lies, stealing, break ups and make ups. I have done everything to try and get him help but realized that if he doesn't want to stop - nothing I do or say will help -so I have stopped trying. At 42 years old -his drug usage has physically taken its toll and he is having kidney, heart and lung problems. He is in need of a pacemaker but needs to be clean for a few weeks to have the strength for the surgery. He's had numerous "close calls" after binging and ends up in the hospital only to stay clean for a week or so and go right back to using. Doctors have told him that he will die if he doesn't stop but crack has too strong a hold on him. I have decided that I can't continue to stand by and watch him kill himself. I've threatened to leave him before but end up giving in after 1-2 weeks. I've blocked his calls and haven't spoken with him in 1 week. What can I do to stay strong and not give in again. He is not going to get clean and he has hurt me in so many ways - but I am still in love with him and feel like I'm giving up when he needs me most.

Hi Tlo, welcome to SR. You've realised you can't help your AB, and taken the only course open to you, which is to move on with your own life rather than go down with him. He's been warned about his future by the doctors, and all the love you gave him couldn't pull him back.
Going non-contact is usually the best way to make a clean break, especially if you're susceptible to relenting. Your guilt may be natural but it's not logical. The truth is you're only peripheral to him because his focus is his next hit. You're not abandoning him - you've tried for 3 1/2 years after all, but at some point you have to make a healthy decision.

He isn't ready...perhaps he will be one day. It isn't something that you can help him with....if only you (we) could help our love ones.

Detaching is difficult but ask yourself what can change if you go back....

He has to take action, on his behalf, and he has to follow through. That takes time and effort. He isn't there yet.

You're not giving up when he needs you, he is giving up on himself and his future. Why go down with the sinking ship? :( Get into the lifeboat and save yourself. :hug: It gets better when you're away from the wreckage.

I came on here and posted my no contact days the same as the other side counts sobriety days. It helped.

Three and a half years is a long time to watch someone kill his self with crack. How awful for you. He has a choice, and it looks like he chooses to just give up. Perhaps with no one around to make him feel supported in his behavior, he may wake up.

I am sorry you are going through this. You have a choice too, in what sort of life you want to be living. Watching a crack addict do his thing is a pure waste of life.

stick around and read the stories here. and stick around for the support that you will find an abundance of.

You can't change him. And cant love him into changing-obviously after three and a half years, he hasn't been moved to change.

its very sad. I hate drugs, and hate how they rob everyone involved.

It would not be selfish, or uncaring for you to decide to live a happy life, away from someone who wants to self destruct.

hugs to you.
chicory

It gets better when you're away from the wreckage.

This is SO true!

Thank you for all the positive feedback. All of the ideas, kind words and stories help get thru this hour by hour and day by day.

That reminded me of something my best friend and I tell each other when things are hard in our lives. Last time being when my RAB relapsed and I was having a break down in the parking lot of some convenience store. "You can do this. One minute by one hour by one day."

You can do this Tlo. There is no arguing with insanity...and that is where active addicts seem to live, most of the time. And we either allow them to bring us into the insanity with them or at some point we have to say enough. You tried. You loved him and you tried. But no amount of love from any of us will make our addicts want recovery. They have to love themselves. They have to choose to live.

You can do this. One minute by one hour by one day... and eventually the days will get easier.

if YOU were what he NEEDS, he'd be clean now. so far you've really served as a nice "host" for items to be stolen, hocked or traded for drugs - a crash pad - food, laundry, sex - but sadly that's about ALL the need his drug addiction HAS for you. people CAN quit crack, but they really really REALLY have to want to and then go at it with everything they have - and never stop. this crack addict in your life is nowhere near that turning point......and he may never get there.

you can lock em up and they'll find a way to use anyways, or use the second they get out. you can threaten them with DEATH is they keep using, and that pipe will still be superglued to their fingers. crack really is that massively powerful (former crackhead here) and the only thing that matters is the next hit. when where and how big. everything else is just a means to an end.

he isn't that sweet boy of 22 years ago. you aren't 15. this isn't some happily ever after little romance. LIFE has changed you both. who he is now is what you must face and deal with. an addict who will rob you blind if you let him. if you collapsed on the floor, he'd walk over you to get to your purse. you love someone who disappeared long long ago.....return him to the past and move on with your own future.

Tio, welcome to SR! How bittersweet to reconnect and find out he is addicted. The part of him that loves you would not want you to be hurt by his addiction. As painful as it is, maybe letting him go is what your role is in this lifetime. Love him from afar.

Hugs.

O_o harsh. cold. reality. :a213:

2 weeks and counting - No contact
 

Well its been exactly 2 weeks since I have had any contact with my ex. Not sure why I'm having such a hard time today/tonight. He left a couple blocked messages last week (I blocked his calls/texts), but I haven't heard from him in 5 days now. I gotta say its killing me inside. I keep checking the county jail website praying for his name to come up - so I at least know he is safe and checking my blocked messages hoping to hear something. As much as I know I can't talk to him or have any contact - I'm going crazy not knowing if he's just binging/partying or laying dead in some crack house. I guess there's still a piece of me that wants to believe that the 100+ other crack stories/websites are wrong and there's a possibility that there's even a small piece of him left that might actually love me and is hurting as much as I am.

Sorry Tlo. I can imagine. Try not to imagine the worst though. Everyone usually does.
I hope tomorrow brings peace and that he finds recovery.