Moving back near heroine addict brother
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1
Moving back near heroine addict brother
Hi, I'm totally new here. I've been reading through the threads, and the advice you guys give is great. I could really use some feedback on my situation.
My brother and I (both early 30's) were out of contact for most of the last 12 years. Within the last year, he reached out and we got back in touch. It turns out he is a heroine addict, but he got back in touch because he was struggling and had decided he wanted to get sober, but really didn't know how to go about it. My mother and I helped him get to detox and get into a rehab program from afar (I live across the country and my mom lives in another country) last fall. He was doing great for a while, but moved back to his home town and relapsed pretty hard. He is now trying to get back into detox and another treatment program in the same city that I am moving to in 2 weeks. He has no money and no place to stay. He has already asked if he can stay with me, which I said no to because I won't have my own place when I first get there. I used to be excited about moving back to be back around a lot of family and friends, but now I'm starting to feel like it's a horrible mistake because I don't want to be around my brother when he is using/relapsing, and I don't want to have to say no and watch him live on the street, or say no to giving him money when he can't feed himself. How do I go about setting boundaries for my move back when he's in this state? How do you say no to someone who just went to detox, but doesn't have a place to stay until he gets into a treatment center? I don't know how to set boundaries when he's trying to get clean and wants to get clean because I know how short lived it was last time. Any thoughts would be so appreciated!
My brother and I (both early 30's) were out of contact for most of the last 12 years. Within the last year, he reached out and we got back in touch. It turns out he is a heroine addict, but he got back in touch because he was struggling and had decided he wanted to get sober, but really didn't know how to go about it. My mother and I helped him get to detox and get into a rehab program from afar (I live across the country and my mom lives in another country) last fall. He was doing great for a while, but moved back to his home town and relapsed pretty hard. He is now trying to get back into detox and another treatment program in the same city that I am moving to in 2 weeks. He has no money and no place to stay. He has already asked if he can stay with me, which I said no to because I won't have my own place when I first get there. I used to be excited about moving back to be back around a lot of family and friends, but now I'm starting to feel like it's a horrible mistake because I don't want to be around my brother when he is using/relapsing, and I don't want to have to say no and watch him live on the street, or say no to giving him money when he can't feed himself. How do I go about setting boundaries for my move back when he's in this state? How do you say no to someone who just went to detox, but doesn't have a place to stay until he gets into a treatment center? I don't know how to set boundaries when he's trying to get clean and wants to get clean because I know how short lived it was last time. Any thoughts would be so appreciated!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi, Glad you joined here, but sorry that the circumstances are making you hesitant about moving back near family and friends.
You'll find lots of good experience here, people who understand how you feel and certainly many different perspectives on addiction, recovery, and the role of friends and family. I'd suggest keeping an open mind, absorbing all you can, reading here and asking questions, then doing what feels most comfortable for you. Many folks have found going to meetings like Naranon or Alanon, Celebrate recovery, etc. also helps them to find face to face support with people experiencing similar situations.
My daughter was the addicted loved one in my life, and early on, some of the things that I learned that helped me to not get caught up (or at least to try to stop myself from getting caught up) in what she was doing and her early steps in recovery were things like:
* Don't do for her things she can do for herself ( examples: pay bills, call out sick from work, prepare for exams at school, remind her to go to counseling)
* Remember that when I do things for her that she should do for herself, I'm not "protecting her" I am robbing her of the chance to feel good about her own accomplishments/problem solving skills/ ability to overcome obstacles
* Making things easy (providing food, shelter, money, etc.) just makes it easier to keep doing drugs
* I don't need to give long reasons and explanations - "I'm sorry, I can't do that" or "I'm sorry you are faced with that challenge but I know you are smart and will figure out a great solution" are responses that worked for me. Some people say it simpler - "No" is a complete sentence.
* I learned not to give unsolicited advice or try to fix everything - Often my daughter was just venting and it was me who was trying to clean it up - she didn't ask.
* Addicts are very resourceful. Many learned how to get drugs when they had no money, no car, no job...So they truly can figure out how to make their way in a sober world.
Good luck with your move and most of all with maintaining healthy boundaries!
You'll find lots of good experience here, people who understand how you feel and certainly many different perspectives on addiction, recovery, and the role of friends and family. I'd suggest keeping an open mind, absorbing all you can, reading here and asking questions, then doing what feels most comfortable for you. Many folks have found going to meetings like Naranon or Alanon, Celebrate recovery, etc. also helps them to find face to face support with people experiencing similar situations.
My daughter was the addicted loved one in my life, and early on, some of the things that I learned that helped me to not get caught up (or at least to try to stop myself from getting caught up) in what she was doing and her early steps in recovery were things like:
* Don't do for her things she can do for herself ( examples: pay bills, call out sick from work, prepare for exams at school, remind her to go to counseling)
* Remember that when I do things for her that she should do for herself, I'm not "protecting her" I am robbing her of the chance to feel good about her own accomplishments/problem solving skills/ ability to overcome obstacles
* Making things easy (providing food, shelter, money, etc.) just makes it easier to keep doing drugs
* I don't need to give long reasons and explanations - "I'm sorry, I can't do that" or "I'm sorry you are faced with that challenge but I know you are smart and will figure out a great solution" are responses that worked for me. Some people say it simpler - "No" is a complete sentence.
* I learned not to give unsolicited advice or try to fix everything - Often my daughter was just venting and it was me who was trying to clean it up - she didn't ask.
* Addicts are very resourceful. Many learned how to get drugs when they had no money, no car, no job...So they truly can figure out how to make their way in a sober world.
Good luck with your move and most of all with maintaining healthy boundaries!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It is okay to protect your space and it is okay to say "no".
If you weren't moving back there, he would find a place to live. WE don't have to be the solution to their problems. Letting him find his own way is a gift you can give him.
hugs
If you weren't moving back there, he would find a place to live. WE don't have to be the solution to their problems. Letting him find his own way is a gift you can give him.
hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Welcome to SR.. Priho.
I think creating boundaries is a very good idea given the situation. I agree it does add another layer of complexity when someone is in recovery, but try to remember that boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that we identify “for ourselves”. It’s about defining what types of behaviors we will allow into our world, and I think the tough part is also that boundaries have to include decisions on how we will respond if someone steps over those defined limits.
I think everyone’s boundaries are different and depend on our personal values, the relationship and unique concerns we have, plus our own emotional and physical needs.
A couple things I like to keep in mind:
Boundaries don’t have to be like brick walls designed to keep people we love out. They can be more like fences that mark out our personal rights, space. We can use them to remind ourselves and the other person that our trust, time, health, friendship have value, and will be protected. Communicating our boundaries to our loved one is also important in my opinion, because it clearly says "this is important to me" please pay attention. And those are usually “I” statements defining what you feel, what you need, what your preferences are.
My suggestion, spend some time going over various scenarios that might happen with your brother, and examine your personal feelings. I think knowing yourself is key... Try to determine if there is something you need to do to change your thought process…i.e. realizing he has been on his own for many years and has many life skills… or i.e. I would like to help support him in certain ways to encourage his recovery efforts.... but I need to set these healthy limits for myself.
My qualifier here is my husband… so the situation is a bit different. Ive also never had to deal with his being homeless… so I feel for you on that extreme.
Its really great your thinking of these things in advance of the move. One other resource I will mention is Smart Recovery / CRAFT (community reinforcement/family training). Smart has free online meetings for family members twice a week and they cover topics like boundaries, enabling , positive communication and motivation, and healthy ways for family to cope with all the intense emotions addiction can bring about.
Wishing the best for your family.
I think creating boundaries is a very good idea given the situation. I agree it does add another layer of complexity when someone is in recovery, but try to remember that boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that we identify “for ourselves”. It’s about defining what types of behaviors we will allow into our world, and I think the tough part is also that boundaries have to include decisions on how we will respond if someone steps over those defined limits.
I think everyone’s boundaries are different and depend on our personal values, the relationship and unique concerns we have, plus our own emotional and physical needs.
A couple things I like to keep in mind:
Boundaries don’t have to be like brick walls designed to keep people we love out. They can be more like fences that mark out our personal rights, space. We can use them to remind ourselves and the other person that our trust, time, health, friendship have value, and will be protected. Communicating our boundaries to our loved one is also important in my opinion, because it clearly says "this is important to me" please pay attention. And those are usually “I” statements defining what you feel, what you need, what your preferences are.
My suggestion, spend some time going over various scenarios that might happen with your brother, and examine your personal feelings. I think knowing yourself is key... Try to determine if there is something you need to do to change your thought process…i.e. realizing he has been on his own for many years and has many life skills… or i.e. I would like to help support him in certain ways to encourage his recovery efforts.... but I need to set these healthy limits for myself.
My qualifier here is my husband… so the situation is a bit different. Ive also never had to deal with his being homeless… so I feel for you on that extreme.
Its really great your thinking of these things in advance of the move. One other resource I will mention is Smart Recovery / CRAFT (community reinforcement/family training). Smart has free online meetings for family members twice a week and they cover topics like boundaries, enabling , positive communication and motivation, and healthy ways for family to cope with all the intense emotions addiction can bring about.
Wishing the best for your family.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hello Priho.
I am sorry for your having to be here... its so hard when it is a family member who is struggling.
I guess I would encourage you to find out all you can about addiction. Perhaps you already have. I hope your brother finds recovery, and that you find a way to deal with this that does not hurt either you or him(by enabling).
No one can tell you what is right or wrong, because everyone is different, every situation is different. But there is a lot of good information on here which can perhaps guide you through this time.
I am glad you found SR. There is a lot of support here, as well as some wonderful information in the stickies.
We are here for you.
I am sorry for your having to be here... its so hard when it is a family member who is struggling.
I guess I would encourage you to find out all you can about addiction. Perhaps you already have. I hope your brother finds recovery, and that you find a way to deal with this that does not hurt either you or him(by enabling).
No one can tell you what is right or wrong, because everyone is different, every situation is different. But there is a lot of good information on here which can perhaps guide you through this time.
I am glad you found SR. There is a lot of support here, as well as some wonderful information in the stickies.
We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 28
Welcome to SR.
Like Allforcnm said, I think the best way for you to be prepared is to sit down and decide what you feel your boundaries need to be for YOU to be comfortable with this move near him.
You should consider possible scenarios and determine what you will or will not do. Write them down and be emotionally prepared.
We all have different limits but each of us have to recognize what will be beneficial for the addict and what will be beneficial for the person underneath...Because even though you may see them as the same person, what will help one will not necessarily help the other. I think that's one of the hardest lessons we have to learn. If we help the addict, we make their addiction easier for them. But if we tell the addict "no" we make their addiction just a little bit harder to feed and in doing so help the person underneath.
The way we learn to deal with active addiction seems to go against our nature - but loving someone to death can be a sad truth for enablers and codependents.
I wish you luck with your move and with your brother. This forum is a great place to bounce ideas around. There's a wealth of experience here and an immense amount of compassion for you and the situation you're in.
take care of you
Like Allforcnm said, I think the best way for you to be prepared is to sit down and decide what you feel your boundaries need to be for YOU to be comfortable with this move near him.
You should consider possible scenarios and determine what you will or will not do. Write them down and be emotionally prepared.
We all have different limits but each of us have to recognize what will be beneficial for the addict and what will be beneficial for the person underneath...Because even though you may see them as the same person, what will help one will not necessarily help the other. I think that's one of the hardest lessons we have to learn. If we help the addict, we make their addiction easier for them. But if we tell the addict "no" we make their addiction just a little bit harder to feed and in doing so help the person underneath.
The way we learn to deal with active addiction seems to go against our nature - but loving someone to death can be a sad truth for enablers and codependents.
I wish you luck with your move and with your brother. This forum is a great place to bounce ideas around. There's a wealth of experience here and an immense amount of compassion for you and the situation you're in.
take care of you
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