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Just Another Ism

Old 04-14-2014, 05:39 PM
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Just Another Ism

Addict husband made up excuses to leave the house on several occasions yesterday and I know he's leaving to get high. I don't ask, don't argue, don't call him out on it because he'll lie and bicker about my lack of trust in him because he said he wouldn't do anything like that again and he deleted the phone numbers from his phone, etc. ad nauseam. So, I relax on my day off and I don't peep a word about the "where you really were" and "I know your high" and all the rubbish that just fills the air when you're around someone who has proven time and time again there is no truth to their words. Then, today, he called with "I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry if you didn't have a very good day yesterday. I'm sorry that I wasn't feeling good." His claim is that he isn't well but it'd just that he doesn't want to get off the couch because s depressed he can't just get wasted knowing I've got one foot out the door right now. My thing I this: you have to lie to me about who you see and what you do. He lies daily. I know this for a fact
Everyday he walks out the door and says he's doing one thing but goes to get high. Why does he even want to be with me? Like, shouldn't he want to be around people he get high with and can act high with instead of chasing drugs and covering tracks? Why even call with the "I love you and miss you" if you have to hide who you are from me. Why not just be who you are in someone else's home where you can be free to be the addict POS you are? Do addicts enjoy playing off other people for like, what seem to be no good reason? Is there a reason an addict claims
they care when their action couldn't be further from caring?
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Old 04-14-2014, 06:50 PM
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I really hate drugs.

Sorry Yogagurl, for this sadness in your world. Kinda like throwing you a bone, isn't it? Guess he does not have much more that he can offer, since his addiction rules right now.

hugs.
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Old 04-14-2014, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Yogagurl View Post
Addict husband made up excuses to leave the house on several occasions yesterday and I know he's leaving to get high. I don't ask, don't argue, don't call him out on it because he'll lie and bicker about my lack of trust in him because he said he wouldn't do anything like that again and he deleted the phone numbers from his phone, etc. ad nauseam. So, I relax on my day off and I don't peep a word about the "where you really were" and "I know your high" and all the rubbish that just fills the air when you're around someone who has proven time and time again there is no truth to their words. Then, today, he called with "I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry if you didn't have a very good day yesterday. I'm sorry that I wasn't feeling good." His claim is that he isn't well but it'd just that he doesn't want to get off the couch because s depressed he can't just get wasted knowing I've got one foot out the door right now. My thing I this: you have to lie to me about who you see and what you do. He lies daily. I know this for a fact
Everyday he walks out the door and says he's doing one thing but goes to get high. Why does he even want to be with me? Like, shouldn't he want to be around people he get high with and can act high with instead of chasing drugs and covering tracks? Why even call with the "I love you and miss you" if you have to hide who you are from me. Why not just be who you are in someone else's home where you can be free to be the addict POS you are? Do addicts enjoy playing off other people for like, what seem to be no good reason? Is there a reason an addict claims
they care when their action couldn't be further from caring?
He's an addict honey. It's not personal, it's addictive behavior.
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Old 04-14-2014, 07:32 PM
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often times,

a using addict cannot enable another addicts addiction the way a sober person can.
They have to put too much energy into feeding their own dragon to also feed one that belongs to another person.

I understand not confronting and inviting lies, but you are allowing him to lie to you. I allowed AH to lie to me for a very long time. I believe another addict would call him out, because they would be jealous he didn't share. He doesn't have to share his drugs with you! why would he want a girl who he had to feed when he has you and you feed yourself?

just my thoughts.
hugs. I've been on both sides of this fence and it sucks!!!
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Old 04-14-2014, 07:32 PM
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Taking your temperature and see if you respond in a sweet way. Making sure you are still "on the hook"

Like throwing out a little sweet bait to see what the reaction is.
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Old 04-14-2014, 09:37 PM
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Addicts know who can and can not hold it together. That's why they want their enablers.

He is giving you crumbs to keep you sucked in. Is it working?? Only you can decide that.
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Old 04-14-2014, 09:52 PM
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It a symptom of his addiction. The way his brain has been altered and his thinking is just not right because of it. ... its not personal against you. He's actually trapped in there behind the addiction, out of control himself.. whether he recognizes it or not at this point Im very sorry for your pain.
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Old 04-15-2014, 08:41 AM
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I have felt the same way. Why be with me when you know that I don't want addiction or drugs in my life???? Why put yourself through the scrutiny. Like, aren't you tired of the dance!!??
Yes.. It was exhausting - for both of us - and this is why addicts lose their families. Why they leave - or why the other person leaves - because addiction has the full potential to ruin anything good. Within all cultures there is good and evil (no matter the religion) and drugs must be one of the greatest tools evil has. (just my opinion).
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Old 04-15-2014, 08:52 AM
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My guess is you take care of him in alot of ways. The addict in my life did just these same things. Eventually I was able to get enough therapy and support to see that I deserve more. If I have to protect myself and my kids on an emoational or physical level (driving in the car, etc) FROM my husband, what kind of partner does that make him? Not a very good one.

I was able to eventually detatch quite a bit unless my kids were concerned. Once I was able to detatch it led me to a place where I was able to say, "No More." People get comfortable in their lives and don't like change, sober or not. So he is trying to appease you so he can continue on his merry life with you and not have to make any changes.

The question is now, what are you going to do about it for you? Only you can decide that. As I have always said because this is stuck in my head, You cannot control their actions, only your reactions.

God Bless.
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Old 04-15-2014, 05:20 PM
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I guess it's because he needs me that he plays nice when his real intention is to use at his next available moment. What's really difficult is knowing that nothing good will come by being with him but essentially being trapped for the moment. I tried to leave him behind and I couldn't. He pleaded for one more chance and swore that moving would set him free. His idea of doing well for himself is not smoking crack. He can function when he's not smoking crack. It's sad to have that to compare yourself to. Like, "Look how good I'm doing even though I'm using opiates, barbiturates, and marijuana habitually; I'm a different person, practically sober!" This man has lived this way for over a decade and pre crack, was a raging alcoholic. We get used to the behaviour thinking "I haven't tried this yet. One more shot." It shouldn't be my responsibility to get him in the door with a shrink and get him stabilized on some mood disorder meds. I've tried to get him on board at a halfway house and then in a sober living facility. Neither lasted a week. I packed him up, drove him, took off work to do so. I know I sound pathetic. I know I sound like a moron. But I'm sharing this in the hopes that someone will read it and something in the mind of the reader will click and they will walk away feeling empowered to do something different, comforted because they're in th Sam boat, or to reinforce the thought to never go back to that place if they have ever been there before. I just want out.
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Old 04-15-2014, 06:41 PM
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I just want out.
then get busy finding the door!
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Old 04-16-2014, 10:23 AM
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I don't think you're a moron.

when I went to treatment my counsellor taught us about self worth.
once we find it, we don't have to use anymore.
I think it's true for codependents as well.

when we know we are worth more, we stop selling ourselves short.
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Old 04-16-2014, 11:43 AM
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I don't think you are a moron either! It took me years and years to build up to leaving, but the relief was immediate.

Only you can decide when you are ready.

XXX
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