ramble
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
ramble
We moved.
I hadn't heard from my xah for 13 months, and then all the sudden I got a random text. He didn't even sign it, so who knows. I ignored it. The way he wrote it, I could still hear his anger and addiction. I don't need that in my life. It seems xmas brings them all around. His entire family contacted my in some form from November - Dec. Then, in Feb, I heard from his mom via text. Which, if you knew what went down a text message to me is so inappropriate. Anyways, I ignore her too because it is too complicated. I don't want this addict back in my life. I don't want to deal with the drama. So, I blocked all numbers. None of them seem to fully understand or care what we have been through. It seems to be all about them and their needs.
Of course, I have a heart and feel guilty. I question myself all the time if I am doing the right thing. But, deep down I am confident. If that makes any sense. Very confident. I mean my xah had a whole year to contact me and my son, but never did. If he really wanted to get a hold of me he knows my parents address, phone and he knows my email. He could even find my workplace and track me down there. So, here I am feeling guilty. For what? For 14 months I was available. Now, maybe not as much, but still can be found. And I feel guilty? Shouldn't he be the one who should feel the shame for abandoning his family? So twisted.
My son misses him. We have candid conversations whenever he needs to. I am educating him as much as one can about addiction. Although, it is so hard to understand. I can hardly understand why someone would choose drugs over their family, so I can understand he has a hard time with that too.
It hurts. I am lonely. My son misses his father. I have nobody. It's just us. I'm happy. Really happy. Just wish I had a mate. But, then I don't really want one. I don't miss him like I did anymore. I don't even think I love him anymore. I just miss the cliché family unit. Our new place is so nice. Today, my son was running around on the country roads surrounded by the woods. I thought, wow, my x would have really loved this. He is missing out on so much. It is so sad. I have thought about reaching out to him, but why? For what? Dealing with an active addict is excruciating. I remember the last time heading to a visit, and he canceled 5 minutes before. I can't deal with that. And my son will not! Not while I am around. And, telling my son that he isn't sick. It really is best this way. Healthy only in my eyes. It is just sad. Will he ever get healthy? How will this end? Death?
Today, as my son was running around and just having fun I thought, he doesn't need an addict father. He needs a father. But, he will be okay. I am making sure his childhood is healthy. Or, at least doing the best I can, and he is happy. He misses his father, but he is happy.
It is so sad that I thought I married a man with the same ethics, morals and family values. Boy, I was way off. I feel like I married the main character from the movie Wolf on Wallstreet. Have you seen that movie? It was a great movie, but the whole way through I though, OMG...this is my x and his drug buddy.
We just keep moving on. Unfortunately, I do not know how I want this to end for my son. In reality it doesn't matter what I want, it is what will happen. I just want the best for my son. Nothing else matters.
I hadn't heard from my xah for 13 months, and then all the sudden I got a random text. He didn't even sign it, so who knows. I ignored it. The way he wrote it, I could still hear his anger and addiction. I don't need that in my life. It seems xmas brings them all around. His entire family contacted my in some form from November - Dec. Then, in Feb, I heard from his mom via text. Which, if you knew what went down a text message to me is so inappropriate. Anyways, I ignore her too because it is too complicated. I don't want this addict back in my life. I don't want to deal with the drama. So, I blocked all numbers. None of them seem to fully understand or care what we have been through. It seems to be all about them and their needs.
Of course, I have a heart and feel guilty. I question myself all the time if I am doing the right thing. But, deep down I am confident. If that makes any sense. Very confident. I mean my xah had a whole year to contact me and my son, but never did. If he really wanted to get a hold of me he knows my parents address, phone and he knows my email. He could even find my workplace and track me down there. So, here I am feeling guilty. For what? For 14 months I was available. Now, maybe not as much, but still can be found. And I feel guilty? Shouldn't he be the one who should feel the shame for abandoning his family? So twisted.
My son misses him. We have candid conversations whenever he needs to. I am educating him as much as one can about addiction. Although, it is so hard to understand. I can hardly understand why someone would choose drugs over their family, so I can understand he has a hard time with that too.
It hurts. I am lonely. My son misses his father. I have nobody. It's just us. I'm happy. Really happy. Just wish I had a mate. But, then I don't really want one. I don't miss him like I did anymore. I don't even think I love him anymore. I just miss the cliché family unit. Our new place is so nice. Today, my son was running around on the country roads surrounded by the woods. I thought, wow, my x would have really loved this. He is missing out on so much. It is so sad. I have thought about reaching out to him, but why? For what? Dealing with an active addict is excruciating. I remember the last time heading to a visit, and he canceled 5 minutes before. I can't deal with that. And my son will not! Not while I am around. And, telling my son that he isn't sick. It really is best this way. Healthy only in my eyes. It is just sad. Will he ever get healthy? How will this end? Death?
Today, as my son was running around and just having fun I thought, he doesn't need an addict father. He needs a father. But, he will be okay. I am making sure his childhood is healthy. Or, at least doing the best I can, and he is happy. He misses his father, but he is happy.
It is so sad that I thought I married a man with the same ethics, morals and family values. Boy, I was way off. I feel like I married the main character from the movie Wolf on Wallstreet. Have you seen that movie? It was a great movie, but the whole way through I though, OMG...this is my x and his drug buddy.
We just keep moving on. Unfortunately, I do not know how I want this to end for my son. In reality it doesn't matter what I want, it is what will happen. I just want the best for my son. Nothing else matters.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 729
The end results of addictions are really shattering for all of those people dragged along with it. Seems you are making the best of your new life and doing the right thing by yourself and your family. Give it time things will change and your life will improve. You are obviously a loving and caring person and i think your "mate" will turn up sooner rather than later 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
((((Story)))) I remember well all you went through with you xah. I have no wise words except it seems you know what you don't want in your life... You have nothing to feel guilty about however being the codependent I am I do understand that as well.
I am glad you were able to ignore the texts that shows how far you have come.I wish I had more support for you right now but I backed off my own program and my life is a mess.
I admire the way your approaching things with your child.
I am glad you were able to ignore the texts that shows how far you have come.I wish I had more support for you right now but I backed off my own program and my life is a mess.
I admire the way your approaching things with your child.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
(((Story)))
Your story is far from over!! You are over the hump and good things wait for you. God will know when you will be completely ready to experience a new relationship with an open heart. It's worth the wait because I know it will be better then anything you can imagine. No old baggage allowed!!
Stay strong, stay faithful. Greats things are coming.
It kind of reminds me of when I was a kid, waiting for Christmas morning. So eager, so anxious, so impatient. Unfortunately, I didn't have the maturity to feel fortunate and blessed but we do know....so while we wait and we keep learning and keep healing.
See, look at how we torture our own kids, lol.
Your story is far from over!! You are over the hump and good things wait for you. God will know when you will be completely ready to experience a new relationship with an open heart. It's worth the wait because I know it will be better then anything you can imagine. No old baggage allowed!!
Stay strong, stay faithful. Greats things are coming.
It kind of reminds me of when I was a kid, waiting for Christmas morning. So eager, so anxious, so impatient. Unfortunately, I didn't have the maturity to feel fortunate and blessed but we do know....so while we wait and we keep learning and keep healing.
See, look at how we torture our own kids, lol.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi Story.
I so admire you for taking care of your precious son, and giving him a peacefilled and happy life. They grow up so fast, and we can't do them over. So him being happy now is something to treasure and protect with a vengeance.
Don't let the dysfunction of the others get into your head, because your happiness has top priority! There are bound to be sad moments, that is so normal. I am sorry that his dad is missing out, on everything in life, obviously. But your son is getting the best gift. A happy mom, a peaceful life, and that is just awesome.
hugs to you.
I so admire you for taking care of your precious son, and giving him a peacefilled and happy life. They grow up so fast, and we can't do them over. So him being happy now is something to treasure and protect with a vengeance.
Don't let the dysfunction of the others get into your head, because your happiness has top priority! There are bound to be sad moments, that is so normal. I am sorry that his dad is missing out, on everything in life, obviously. But your son is getting the best gift. A happy mom, a peaceful life, and that is just awesome.
hugs to you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too think you are wonderful to provide a safe, happy home for your child and yourself. Even though you are lonely sometimes, this is a good healing process and a healthy way to take lots of time before you find yourself in another relationship.
It's the "in between" time where we heal, where we have quiet time to decide what is and what is not okay in our lives, and where we make new dreams and take steps to make them come true. Just about the time you get comfortable with "in between", a door will open and you will be ready for new beginnings and wonderful adventures ahead.
Hugs
It's the "in between" time where we heal, where we have quiet time to decide what is and what is not okay in our lives, and where we make new dreams and take steps to make them come true. Just about the time you get comfortable with "in between", a door will open and you will be ready for new beginnings and wonderful adventures ahead.
Hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
