Blogs


Notices

What to do when missing XAB who mistreated me?

Old 04-12-2014, 01:24 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 146
Question What to do when missing XAB who mistreated me?

I miss him.

Why/how?

He lied, financially abused me, was consistently absent in the relationship and cheated on me.

I feel so alone.
kat1973 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to kat1973 For This Useful Post:
Ann (04-14-2014), Boon44 (04-13-2014), crazybabie (04-13-2014), Lenina (04-15-2014), Live (04-15-2014), love4life2014 (04-14-2014), SilentLove (04-13-2014)
Old 04-12-2014, 02:41 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,950
Blog Entries: 1
Welcome kat,

you are not alone. You have a whole lot of folks here who know what you are feeling, and going through.

I am sorry. I have experienced those things at the hand of a bf/husband, and it is a lonely feeling.

Sometimes attention , even bad, keeps us from being 'alone' , but it is no way to be happy. You have to be your own best friend, and love yourself. Its hard, I know.

I hope you stick around... you will get much support here.
chicory is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
Ann (04-14-2014), cleaninLI (04-18-2014), crazybabie (04-13-2014), kat1973 (04-12-2014), KeepinItReal (04-12-2014), Lenina (04-15-2014), Lily1918 (04-14-2014), Live (04-15-2014), love4life2014 (04-14-2014)
Old 04-12-2014, 03:01 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,052
Hi Kat, probably give it a bit more time. At one point he must have met some of your psychological needs, and most people can't just turn off an attachment even if it seems logical to forget him.
As time goes by and the attachment part recedes your logical part will take over and you'll get much more realistic about him.
FeelingGreat is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to FeelingGreat For This Useful Post:
Ann (04-14-2014), chicory (04-14-2014), crazybabie (04-13-2014), jacrazz (04-15-2014), kat1973 (04-12-2014), Live (04-15-2014)
Old 04-12-2014, 03:36 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Baby Steps
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I'm sorry your in so much pain. I can understand what your going through I miss my AH more and more every day. Give yourself time to grieve!
Butterfly is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Butterfly For This Useful Post:
Ann (04-14-2014), chicory (04-14-2014), crazybabie (04-13-2014), kat1973 (04-12-2014), Live (04-15-2014)
Old 04-13-2014, 05:17 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 30
I feel the same way. We have been apart almost two months and while it has gotten easier to be without him I still cannot go a day without missing him. The logical side knows that I am so much better off and that I deserve to be treated better. I am hoping that it's just loneliness that is making me miss him so I'm trying to keep myself busy. I started volunteering with MADD and spending a lot more time with my friends. You are definitely not alone.
sonyak is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to sonyak For This Useful Post:
Ann (04-14-2014), chicory (04-14-2014), crazybabie (04-13-2014), kat1973 (04-14-2014), Lenina (04-15-2014), Live (04-15-2014), love4life2014 (04-14-2014)
Old 04-13-2014, 08:27 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Lancaster pa
Posts: 13
Hi kat
It gets a little easier everyday some days it's hard to cope with pain but eventually it will be something of the past best of luck
Mfeliciano86 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Mfeliciano86 For This Useful Post:
Ann (04-14-2014), chicory (04-14-2014), kat1973 (04-14-2014), Live (04-15-2014), love4life2014 (04-14-2014)
Old 04-14-2014, 04:08 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
lightseeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,688
Blog Entries: 12
I understand the feeling. My ex husband was very verbally/emotionally abusive towards me and stepped into physical abuse twice. Yet - there were times that he wasn't that way which probably explains the "missing part".

There was a good post recently about "splitting" and I know that that is what I have done with him in my mind. He is one and the same - the good and the bad. Not one or the other.

I left my ex almost 3 years ago and I STILL have to periodically make a list of all of the bad things so that I won't glamorize him. I tend to do that when I am tired, lonely, hurt, worried, financially worried.

The best advice that I have received is to work on me. And I'm glad that I've done just that. I've remained single and focused on getting to know, like, and understand me. When I was with him, I spent all of my time doing that about him and his life.

Don't forget that when you have been in an unhappy (abusive) relationship that is a very high likelihood that you have experienced trauma bonding. That bond is a tight one and really can mess with your mind.

Sending you healing thoughts.
lightseeker is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to lightseeker For This Useful Post:
chicory (04-14-2014), kat1973 (04-15-2014), Lily1918 (04-14-2014), Live (04-15-2014), LoveMeNow (04-14-2014)
Old 04-15-2014, 02:41 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 146
I agree "working on me" is good advice. I have made an agreement with myself, to spend the next 2 years doing that.

It won't be about getting a good job ( whatever that is these days), making more money, meeting a new man, being concerned about my appearance.

It will be about healing on the inside. My mental health has suffered greatly, my soul destroyed. This is what I'll be committing to healing. Meetings, support groups, SR, nutritious eating and keeping up with my meds.

Trauma and abuse have been with me since the age of 12. The addict was the final straw.

I hope I can do this, I want to do this.

THANK YOU!
kat1973 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to kat1973 For This Useful Post:
chicory (04-15-2014), Live (04-15-2014), lizwig (04-17-2014)
Old 04-15-2014, 02:43 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 146
I'll check out that "splitting" post, thanks for the suggestion.
kat1973 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kat1973 For This Useful Post:
chicory (04-15-2014), Live (04-15-2014)
Old 04-15-2014, 03:22 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,950
Blog Entries: 1
You Can do this Kat! Love yourself the way you would want someone else to love you, that is what I try to keep in mind. Be kind, patient, understanding, etc, with yourself.
Good for you, having a plan. And stick around... there are lots of people who make good friends here at SR, who have been where you are.

A great book, "Codependent no more" by Melody Beaty --I read it again, every once in a while, when I am struggling with being happy... it is amazing. I think they say that its the largest seller next to the Bible? not sure where I heard that, but I would not be surprised. very nice read, great stuff.

hugs, and have a good day today!
chicory is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
Live (04-15-2014), menow (04-15-2014)
Old 04-15-2014, 04:33 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 146
Thanks Chicory!

Love that book, have read it over and over, it never fails to help and teach me something new each time I read it.

XO
kat1973 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kat1973 For This Useful Post:
chicory (04-15-2014), Live (04-15-2014)
Old 04-15-2014, 04:43 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,950
Blog Entries: 1
me too Kat!



have a great day!
chicory is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
Live (04-15-2014)
Old 04-15-2014, 11:13 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
jacrazz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
At one point he must have met some of your psychological needs, and most people can't just turn off an attachment even if it seems logical to forget him. As time goes by and the attachment part recedes your logical part will take over and you'll get much more realistic about him.
Bingo!! I realized the hard way that while I'm accusing him of using me, lying to me, ect., I'm no better then him. I used him and lied to him just as much, just to make my self feel better. To sooth my own ego. He was the mirror I needed to take a good look at myself, and I didn't feel good at first. When I first started posting on here all the veterans would say "be kind and loving to yourself" and would think....ok, thanks, but how? It not an easy road to travel but worth it!

jacrazz is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to jacrazz For This Useful Post:
kat1973 (04-18-2014), Live (04-15-2014), menow (04-15-2014)
Old 04-16-2014, 10:57 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 5
Please remember to take care of yourself first. I'm a newbie on this site and after reading some things from this site, I know these people carry experience and are not going to steer you in the wrong direction.

My boyfriend abused me emotionally and physically for years. Of course he always belittled how scared I was. I was "overreacting" or he just "wrestled" with me when he almost broke my nose, sliced my ear, left me with bruises, etc.

Sometimes we have to learn to let go. It sucks in general breaking up with someone (I still sometimes think about my high school sweetheart I cut ties with when he moved for college) but it's especially hard when leaving an addict who's basically left you with PTSD. Things have to get better though by myself because I was afraid to see how much worse they could get with my addict boyfriend.

Praying for the best. Take care of yourself. With love.
wishuponasunset is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to wishuponasunset For This Useful Post:
hopeful4 (04-17-2014), kat1973 (04-17-2014)
Old 04-17-2014, 03:50 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 146
I had to "force" myself to let go, gave myself no choice.

I never imagined in my whole life that I would sink so low. I have been through other major break-ups, but I believe you are right about the PTSD. I was and still am traumatized, no exaggeration.

I've got a long way to go, it's difficult to detach.

I do have some great support now, encouraging me to look after myself. I am grateful for this.

Thanks xo
kat1973 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kat1973 For This Useful Post:
lizwig (04-17-2014), wishuponasunset (04-17-2014)
Old 04-17-2014, 06:27 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Kat,

You are not alone, I understand. Everybody at SR understands. This site is the best. Take your time and give yourself credit honey. I feel the same way, I miss my exAbf who uses too. My ex is Dashing, handsome & hung up on drinking & using.. Just perfect, right?? NOT. take are of yourself honey. We're here. Hugs to you. Bernadette777
Bernadette777 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Bernadette777 For This Useful Post:
kat1973 (04-17-2014)
Old 04-17-2014, 07:07 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 4
I read that book about 30 years ago and loved it. It helped me alot after I first divorce. Now I am 57 years old and going threw the same stuff , I just recently left my Mexican bf/h of 3 years and came back to the states. I had something with him that I had never had before. true true love and his addiction to coke , crystal destroyed our relationship. I am so so sad. I sometimes think that some of the things he said and did to me in the end, he did on purpose to make me leave because he knew he could not take care of me the way he wanted to. This makes me even sadder because I did and I know still does love me it is a terrible shame that addiction has destroyed our relationship. I am so very sad and alone and i cry every day for what we had together. i feel lost and empty
menow is offline  
Old 04-17-2014, 04:49 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 146
menow,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. My heart goes out to you.
kat1973 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to kat1973 For This Useful Post:
menow (04-17-2014)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:51 AM.