Mfeliciano86

Well my husband drug of choice is her ion he has been in rehab for 45 days he should be home soon but I'm afraid of him ! I'm afraid he will once again use I saw him today and he told him I can't do this anymore and I feel like what can I do to help him he was clean for many years please someone I feel lost and confused

cynical one

A sober home is a great transition for an addict coming out of rehab. We are not their only option and we are not their best option.

Now when you say you are afraid of him, are you physically afraid of him?

Mfeliciano86

thanks not physical afraid !

interrupted

Just to clarify - I'm pretty sure Cynical One means a sober home, or sober living facility, OTHER THAN your own home. Many addicts in recovery choose to move into sober living after rehab, it offers a better chance of success as a sort of "halfway house" between rehab and the rigors of returning to life "on the outside".

If you aren't comfortable having him come back to live with you then you shouldn't allow him to home at this time. You don't have to, nor should you, compromise your own health, safety, or sanity to addiction. It's my opinion that someone truly active in their recovery will understand that it takes a lot of time to rebuild broken trust. Wanting everything their way right away is the voice of addiction, not the voice of recovery.

Ann

I agree with those above. You get to decide who you share your life with and if you would be more comfortable with some space between you, it's okay to say it out loud. There are Sober Living places that can help him more than anything else.

Time usually tells the tale. Either he will wrap himself in his recovery and stay on a good path, or he will fall back onto old ways and continue the journey.

Rehab isn't a cure, it's just a good place to get clean and learn ways to stay clean and live life on life's terms without drugs. There are no guarantees and the success is usually directly related to the recovering addicts willingness to do what he needs to do to stay clean.

You are wise to want more time and space to see how this unfolds.

My prayers go out for both of you.

Hugs

Mfeliciano86

Where can he go to sober living I'm not ready for him this time around he has cause so much pain I'm dealing with getting therapy and I just had a baby 2 months ago and I have so much anger and rage against him when I have gone to see him I want to just slap some sense to him but I know I can't somehow he thinks his way coming home is worth it how can I explain to him that I can't be around him at the mom ment

allforcnm

I would try talking to the directors at the rehab he is in. They should be able to provide referrals in your area. I would also inquire if they offer any support for families via therapy, or family counseling. My husbands rehab did this, and it was geared toward helping me deal with my issues, and prepare for his coming home also. Don't feel bad at all for not being ready for him to come home. Im sure a lot of damage was done & it takes time to heal, rebuild trust. Good Luck to both of you

KeepinItReal

It has been 8 months since my husbands last binge. He sold his wedding ring, our kids Ipad, a family car... (we are not rich and I could not replace it).

After he got locked up at the end of his binge and stayed in jail for 3 months - then was home for 3 months on his best behavior - but only because he agreed to a 14 month program. His parents house harbor 2 other H addicts and it was a "better" option for him to come home to my house. It took a lot of work to not fight... and hold back the anger. I was waiting to see if he went to the long-term program. He went.

I'm still not ready for him to come home. He tells me he wants to leave all the time and as a matter of fact - yesterday - I just told him that he would not be coming home to my house. Not because I don't love him more than anything.. because i'm basing my decision on past history. If my husband can't make a 14 month commitment to sobriety or rehab how is he going to make a lifelong commitment to me?? I don't think he would.

It's not easy. But like many others have said. Take care of you. Half way houses are a great option. In my state he would have had to become homeless and stayed in a mens homeless shelter for a few nights.. but they would have been able to find him a good half way house from there. His mom wasn't going to let him be homeless... and bc she has other dealers, users and H addicts living their.. I put my feelings aside and let him come home to wait out the 14 month program. Do what you feel is best. But a half way house is ultimately going to be his best chance at long-term sobriety. Or a 1 + year program.

Mfeliciano86

thanks he did rehab and also 3 months in jail I m waiting for his probation officer to put him in a program he is not home yet but I cant have him home I have lost everything cuz of him so im trying to hold it together I hope a 14 month program can help him im doing research what kind of program I can put him in

Mfeliciano86

I'm suppose to see him this Thursday anyone can help me on what I can talk to him about or write a letter I don't even want to see him but I'm trying to put my feelings to the side and try to talk to him but when I do see him I just feel like why am I here nothing will ever change I think the only reason why he is doing this because he knows I was planning to pack my things and go with my parents to nyc

cleaninLI

There is nothing wrong with not being ready for him to come home. It looks as if you have had a lot of trauma due to his addiction. Are you seeing YOUR OWN therapist? Being able to talk to someone and work through YOUR anger, frustration and fear is so important. You need to heal too.

Look up women's groups, one that specialises in domestic violence or abuse. Even though you did not endure physical abuse you have been through emotional trauma. They will be able to help you find resources, such as counseling for you, any legal help such as filing an order of protection. They may even be able to contact your husband's counseler to explain your side and your needs. That way his counseler can make it clear to him that you aren't ready to have him home at this time. They are experts in available resources....they can even get you help for your pregnancy. Please search your area....do it today....do it for YOU and your unborn baby!

cleaninLI

If you do not feel comfortable talking to him....then go through a women's group....they will contact him or his counselor at rehab and tell him for you. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL HIM YOURSELF! They will do these things for you and help you to move. This is what they do! Trust them they will support you in ways you never imagined. I have gone through one of these groups myself and was astonished how much they helped me! Whatever you need they will help you get it! You're not alone....we are here and there are people who care!

Ann

This sounds like a good plan, you don't have to apologize, explain or justify your decision to do what is right for you. Your choice is a healthy one and valid. His recovery is up to him, to find a sober living home or not, to continue recovery or not...it's up to him and his life or sobriety does not depend on you or your choices. If he says it does, he is making excuses to fail at his own plan.

You have a new baby to consider. If your parents are offering to help you and move you with them, please use this opportunity to make a new life for yourself.

You get to choose whether you talk to him or just send him a letter. You get to choose a healthy way to love your life. You don't need anyone else's permission.

Whatever you choose, we are here to walk with you.

Hugs

cleaninLI

Sorry, I skimmed through....you can get help with childcare too if you need to work. They will help you in every way! that is great if your parents are able to help you! You do not OWE him an explanation. He lost that right when he CHOSE to drink or drug!

Mfeliciano86

thanks everyone I just got off the phone with a friend who aunt rents out apartments in a other town im waiting for her to contact me she is willing to rent out a apartment to me and help me relocate but if that doesn't work I will have to look for other options I did think about my parents but that environment wont be the best for me and the boys

cleaninLI

Ok, I'm glad you're looking around for yourself!

Take care of you and those boys, ok?

Mfeliciano86

Well thanks I must say he called me and I wasn't. Ready to talk to him and basically I let it all out he really didn't expect to hear me and saying I'm sorry its not enough and I won't accept it but I feel better telling him how I feel

cynical one

interrupted, yes that is what I meant, thanks so much for clarifying that. It was late and I was brain foggy.

Mfeliciano, A SLE or Sober Living Environment are homes where a group of alcoholics/addicts live together while in recovery. While in rehab, they are in a very controlled environment learning basic recovery techniques or tools. A SLE is a great transition for them to get used to putting these newly learned tools to work. They are held accountable and responsible by the other house mates. They have house chores, group meetings, they can have a job, they learn life skills, they are required to attend meetings, they have curfew, etc. And, unlike family members, another addict knows what they are going through both physically and emotionally.

I'm sure there are many others, but there are Oxford Houses all around the country.

Another thing is please don't feel guilty if you're not ready for him to be home yet. Like many families a lot of damage has taken place prior to them seeking help.

Best wishes for both of you.

Mfeliciano86

Good news he won't be coming home anytime soon his probation officer called me that a judge can order him to be in a sober living home which he has a court date soon But I feel like I can breath again

Txhelp

That's great news! It's always good to speak the truth as direct and kind as possible. You have another person to look out for and your gut is telling you to do that.....