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Easter Ultimatum

Old 04-10-2014, 10:33 AM
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Easter Ultimatum

So - Originally my husband held off his pass to leave for his 8 hour pass for Easter. The director of the program said that he would be able to go on pass (infront of me) on Easter. However, there are some other staff members that don't feel that he should be approved for a pass on a holiday. That ... people have.. but few and far in between. So, NOW - he's saying (as of last night) that if they don't approve his pass for Easter to be with his kids he's leaving the program. Yes, emotional.. irrational... yes, I told him.
His rationale for this is that he will not be able to trust the staff members because he had saved this pass exclusively for Easter. It's an 8 hour pass!!
I'm just hoping the pass gets approved and he stays as long as he can in this program. He has made it past the 90 day mark and feels on top of the world at this point. Saying things are DIFFERENT this time. (have I heard that 10 times before??) YES!!!
My response was simple. I want you to stay. I don't feel that it's fair to base your recovery on 1 pass and that I want him to stick it out no matter what the outcome is. But, he has his mind made up. Stubborn.
So, I am planning on letting him come home. 1.)Keeping my boundaries like, not paying for a new car for him, or lending him mine. 2.) Drug use is not tolerable and he will have to leave upon any suspicion. 3.) He's not legally allowed to use "our" address. Meaning he has no legal reason to be there.
Mind you all - There has never been physical abuse - However, financial abuse is still abuse and no one deserves any abuse at all.
I still find it hard to trust him... and probably will for a very long time. I just hope this pass goes smoothly. It would be nice having him home to help me... however - the goal is for him not to DIE from this disease. I just don't want him to die... or lose him to addiction by having to make him leave... again.
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Old 04-10-2014, 01:12 PM
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It sounds like you have good boundaries in place. In my experience while the loved one was at rehab, things, including emotions, sometimes changed daily. What my daughter said one day was reversed by the next conversation - so many emotions resurfacing in those early days of being clean. I eventually learned not to worry or project beyond the day I was in, since it was a lot of needless future tripping for things that never happened.

I hope, for your sake and your husband's, that it turns out to be the case here as well and that the pass comes through or if not he stays. Hang in there!!
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Old 04-10-2014, 03:43 PM
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Gosh, I hope he doesn't leave because of this too. A big part of recovery is learning to acceept life on life's terms...including its disappointments.

I hope you can keep your balance, no matter how this unfolds. Just because his recovery is shaky doesn't mean yours has to be. You are doing well, be true to yourself and your values and the rest will fall into place.

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Old 04-11-2014, 09:03 AM
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Ann - I have thought about it long and hard and wanted to mean what I say. I was originally going to let him move home if he left early. I have changed my mind for more than a few reasons.
I feel that if he cannot show dedication to this program than I cannot rationally think that he can show dedication for me and the kids. He has chosen and betrayed us for drugs too many times for me to believe him. I don't have trust that he will be okay if he leaves now.. and i'm not okay with re-living what I have been through again.
It was really hard for me to decide this. As, my imagination would like to believe things can be happily ever after. However, my rationale side has kicked in and it says to protect myself. It says that no matter what I want to happen I have to reason with what HAS happened. So - I wrote him a long letter explaining my decision. That I love him.. but I need more time and I need him to show me that he can finish and be dedicated to something. Just like he will have to dedicated to his sobriety when he comes home.
I'm proud of myself... but I know it makes my heart sad to give up on my "dream" or my imaginary what if life.
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Old 04-11-2014, 08:31 PM
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Update- I told him my decision on the phone. I'm feeling lighter... Less stressed... Relieved.

I need to be ready. I need to feel okay. It's not always about him. I'm tired of his problem.

Good news is I'm still sticking to my calorie restriction (healthy) and I did all backed up laundry. Time for bed!
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Old 04-11-2014, 08:40 PM
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Keeping, I pray everything comes out just the way you want. Blessings.
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Old 04-11-2014, 08:54 PM
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Glad that you let him know your decision, which sounds like a very healthy choice for you and your family. I always hate that "in between" time, where I know how I am going to deal with something uncomfortable, but have not yet acted. I definitely understand why you feel lighter. Enjoy the weekend!
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Old 04-11-2014, 09:58 PM
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I just wanted to send you good thoughts. I know your going through a lot of stress right now, hard choices. Your doing a great job keeping your wits about you, being compassionate, and pointing yourself and your kids towards the future you all deserve.
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Old 04-12-2014, 08:41 PM
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He was denied Easter pass but they are allowing him more phone calls to kids and special visitation so he can spend more time with our son. He's sticking it out. He's struggling.
I feel better I forced myself to get off the fence and decide he couldn't come home unless he finishes. I'm just not ready to trust him. Maybe him completing this will help and time helps.
I have been upset about sons label... But am happy he's going to a great special school. My husband is blaming himself. I'm glad they are counseling him. It isn't anyone's fault. It's genetic and sensory issues.
Thank you all for the support
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Old 04-14-2014, 07:42 AM
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I think it's great that you laid down your boundary, KIR! Keep putting your peace of mind first and all will be well!
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Old 04-14-2014, 05:22 PM
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keepingitreal....all I can say is WOW!!!

You did REALLY great in laying down what you wanted to your husband. He can leave but now he knows where you stand and who knows that may deter him to stay a little longer.

I love what you said "I need to be ready. I need to feel okay. It's not always about him. I'm tired of his problem." AMEN!
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Old 04-14-2014, 07:17 PM
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I think it is great that you took a stand for what was right and comfortable for you and your husband has respected your position. Staying in the program and time will both, hopefully give him the best shot possible and allow you to see by his actions when you can start rebuilding trust.

I'm sorry about your son, but it sounds really great that he was diagnosed early and that he is getting assistance that will help him as he grows. I know so many moms who face challenges with getting their kids tested when issues crop up in primary grades. Your awareness and the added assistance will be a huge help. I think we all have labels of some sort - it's not about the label; it's about making the most of who we are!
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