Daughter's Addicted Boyfriend Needs to Go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1
Daughter's Addicted Boyfriend Needs to Go
Hello,
This is my first post here. Our 22 Y.O. daughter has been addicted to heroin for about two years. We found out a little over two months ago when my wife found her not responding after shooting up in her bedroom. Long story short, she had a near OD and is ok now. Needless to say that our lives are now completely upside down.
After detox we tried a 12-step outpatient program, but it turns out that so many people actually get high at those meetings that she relapsed while there. Now she's trying some non-12-step programs at home and has been doing well for a few weeks now. She is in college and wants to continue because she's doing fine with her courses.
She has a few clean friends that are really supporting her. We actually pay one of them to sit with her during the day while we're at work. The big issue is the boyfriend. He also has a heroin problem. This kid actually robbed our home of jewelry while we weren't home and we blame him for getting her started using.
Our daughter just doesn't want to break up with him because she "thinks" she loves him. We need to somehow get through to her that nothing but bad things can happen if she tries to stay with him. She hasn't physically seen him in over a month because we haven't let her leave home. But when she starts to go out again, we know she will go straight to him.
We are thinking about inviting her two best clean friends over for a kind of intervention where we would all try to help her understand that she needs to put all of the people she used with behind her. She thinks she can have it both ways - stay clean and still be with him.
Has anyone ever experienced this? My wife and I know that if she can forget about this kid, she will have a much better chance of staying clean.
Thanks for any thoughts.
This is my first post here. Our 22 Y.O. daughter has been addicted to heroin for about two years. We found out a little over two months ago when my wife found her not responding after shooting up in her bedroom. Long story short, she had a near OD and is ok now. Needless to say that our lives are now completely upside down.
After detox we tried a 12-step outpatient program, but it turns out that so many people actually get high at those meetings that she relapsed while there. Now she's trying some non-12-step programs at home and has been doing well for a few weeks now. She is in college and wants to continue because she's doing fine with her courses.
She has a few clean friends that are really supporting her. We actually pay one of them to sit with her during the day while we're at work. The big issue is the boyfriend. He also has a heroin problem. This kid actually robbed our home of jewelry while we weren't home and we blame him for getting her started using.
Our daughter just doesn't want to break up with him because she "thinks" she loves him. We need to somehow get through to her that nothing but bad things can happen if she tries to stay with him. She hasn't physically seen him in over a month because we haven't let her leave home. But when she starts to go out again, we know she will go straight to him.
We are thinking about inviting her two best clean friends over for a kind of intervention where we would all try to help her understand that she needs to put all of the people she used with behind her. She thinks she can have it both ways - stay clean and still be with him.
Has anyone ever experienced this? My wife and I know that if she can forget about this kid, she will have a much better chance of staying clean.
Thanks for any thoughts.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,869
Welcome to SR rightnow. I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us. I understand that you love your daughter and only want what is best for her. It's hard when we see someone we love destroying themselves. I'm glad that she is getting better.
You have every right to refuse her boyfriend access to your home and I don't blame you one bit for doing that. However, you really cannot force your daughter to stop seeing him since she is an adult. You could make things very uncomfortable for her if she refuses to stop seeing him, but that might just backfire and make her more adamant about staying with him. One of the hardest things we parents have to face is that we cannot protect our children all the time.
Glad you're here, rightnow. There are a lot of very supportive people here.
You have every right to refuse her boyfriend access to your home and I don't blame you one bit for doing that. However, you really cannot force your daughter to stop seeing him since she is an adult. You could make things very uncomfortable for her if she refuses to stop seeing him, but that might just backfire and make her more adamant about staying with him. One of the hardest things we parents have to face is that we cannot protect our children all the time.
Glad you're here, rightnow. There are a lot of very supportive people here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Wild by Chery Strayed is out in paperback. She got addicted to heroin and a man and managed to pull herself out of it. Maybe it will inspire her. That is actually only a small part of her book. It should be out as a movie somewhat soon.
Your daughter is 22. Are the parents the ones working this recovery plan or the young adult addict? I am so sorry for your hurt and disappointment. You must be totally lost in what feels like a new world. Hugs.
Your daughter is 22. Are the parents the ones working this recovery plan or the young adult addict? I am so sorry for your hurt and disappointment. You must be totally lost in what feels like a new world. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
My first thought when I read this was, let her go, please let her go.
She is 22 locked up in her own home, and babysat like a child. Why, she is an adult? Please know this won’t stop her from using if she wants to, nothing will. Also know that nothing made her use, but her, something in her, in her thinking. You can assign blame on meetings …. Put a bunch of addicts in any room and surely you have a bunch of addicts in that room or assign this all on the guy but really that won’t help her because she needs to be looking at herself and her actions and for her whys …
And sadly he is as sick as she is, and he is someone’s child too.
Making him the bad one will not help your daughter in any way and removes her as being responsible for the choices she made.
My son is a recovering addict, the first time he smoked crack was with his gf. Everyone really wanted to blame her, but see knowing what I know my concern was always what would make my child think that using drugs would solve or fix anything … what was it about him that made him feel as if he needed to use … especially since I made sure my children were well educated.
Chances of her staying clean will be on her. The only part you will play right now since you know is as the problem or the solution … I would choose wisely there.
The biggest gift you can give her is to take care of yourself, to not take her using personal, to not enable her, to not make excuses for her, to not cushion her falls because that takes the learning away, to not fix her mistakes, to not do anything for her she is capable of doing herself … to see her as capable and able to take care of herself.
And also know that the addiction is so counting on any shame and secrecy those who watch can provide. I would avoid that as well to give her a chance.
She is 22 locked up in her own home, and babysat like a child. Why, she is an adult? Please know this won’t stop her from using if she wants to, nothing will. Also know that nothing made her use, but her, something in her, in her thinking. You can assign blame on meetings …. Put a bunch of addicts in any room and surely you have a bunch of addicts in that room or assign this all on the guy but really that won’t help her because she needs to be looking at herself and her actions and for her whys …
And sadly he is as sick as she is, and he is someone’s child too.
Making him the bad one will not help your daughter in any way and removes her as being responsible for the choices she made.
My son is a recovering addict, the first time he smoked crack was with his gf. Everyone really wanted to blame her, but see knowing what I know my concern was always what would make my child think that using drugs would solve or fix anything … what was it about him that made him feel as if he needed to use … especially since I made sure my children were well educated.
Chances of her staying clean will be on her. The only part you will play right now since you know is as the problem or the solution … I would choose wisely there.
The biggest gift you can give her is to take care of yourself, to not take her using personal, to not enable her, to not make excuses for her, to not cushion her falls because that takes the learning away, to not fix her mistakes, to not do anything for her she is capable of doing herself … to see her as capable and able to take care of herself.
And also know that the addiction is so counting on any shame and secrecy those who watch can provide. I would avoid that as well to give her a chance.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by suki44883 
One of the hardest things we parents have to face is that we cannot protect our children all the time.
My daughter is a recovering IV opiate addict. Her addiction began in '07 and it took until last year for her to completely x him out of her life - the guy who introduced her to that awful world. She wasn't romantically involved with him after '09 either. It took him assaulting her then boyfriend, sending him to the trauma unit via life flight with a life changing brain hemorrhage.
Rehab plus my therapist plus my daughter all informed me there is an unfathomable bond between IV using couples. The whole routine for simply using becomes a ritual and their partner is attached to it, including flashbacks for recovering addicts.
If you're not working some kind of program yourself, I hope you're at least seeing a therapist to help you navigate this new world you're in, and help you find a new normal for your family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
I understand about the boyfriend situation! The best thing we did was to put some boundaries in place that included him not being allowed in our home. The hardest thing we did was to realize our daughter was an adult and we had no control over whether or not they continued their relationship. It's further complicated because they have a child together. Eventually, over time he showed his true colors (no child support, lies, canceling visits, legal problems,etc) and she broke off their engagement. Prayers for your daughter and family!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
So sorry for the pain of this - there is hardly anything worse for a parent's heart.
Oh, gosh...knee jerk reaction is to control EVERYTHING in her life to keep her clean. We nearly drove ourselves to distraction trying to think of all the possible scenarios our daughter could get into and prevent them. We were ALWAYS one (or more!) steps behind her and the depths of her imagination to get what she wanted knew no bounds.
Keeping tabs on your ADULT child is nearly impossible, as we as parents don't have the legal right to forbid or demand anything from them. Believe me...if we could commit our child to treatment/jail/remote island for the next few years until she straightens up, we would.
One thing I'd caution you about is trying to dictate who she loves. Whether or not you think she loves him is irrelevant. SHE thinks she does and that's all that counts in her book. You could be setting yourselves up for a Battle Royal and bring down the wrath of the addict in all it's glory onto your home. I agree with the above posters in not allowing him into your home - that much you CAN do. But, also be prepared for her to go to any lengths to see him. Including a relapse.
PLEASE take care of your own sanity. This is crazy-making of the highest order. As parents of addicts we are continually dealing with a breaking or broken heart. It can get the better of you real quick.
Oh, gosh...knee jerk reaction is to control EVERYTHING in her life to keep her clean. We nearly drove ourselves to distraction trying to think of all the possible scenarios our daughter could get into and prevent them. We were ALWAYS one (or more!) steps behind her and the depths of her imagination to get what she wanted knew no bounds.
Keeping tabs on your ADULT child is nearly impossible, as we as parents don't have the legal right to forbid or demand anything from them. Believe me...if we could commit our child to treatment/jail/remote island for the next few years until she straightens up, we would.
One thing I'd caution you about is trying to dictate who she loves. Whether or not you think she loves him is irrelevant. SHE thinks she does and that's all that counts in her book. You could be setting yourselves up for a Battle Royal and bring down the wrath of the addict in all it's glory onto your home. I agree with the above posters in not allowing him into your home - that much you CAN do. But, also be prepared for her to go to any lengths to see him. Including a relapse.
PLEASE take care of your own sanity. This is crazy-making of the highest order. As parents of addicts we are continually dealing with a breaking or broken heart. It can get the better of you real quick.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Oh, have I been in your shoes!...And I am so sorry for your troubles. I agree with everyone who has posted--all very wise advice.
You have to let her go.
If she wants to use heroin again, she will. If she wants recovery, she will find it on her own.
Coercing, controlling, manipulating, demanding...these don't work, even with buckets of love and devotion attached. I tried them and so did my extended family members. My 20 year old daughter also nearly died, and we, too, spent several months monitoring her as she recovered from 5 weeks in the hospital. She relapsed 6 months later, went to recovery, was sober for 8 months, then relapsed again. I blamed that first boyfriend. She is now using with a different guy, no longer the "bad" boyfriend who introduced her to it, but another guy she met in recovery, who she loves. I don't understand why she loves him. It's not mine to understand.
I have had to learn the painful way to focus on my own boundaries (she can't live here, she gets no money but I do pay for a cell phone, etc), my mental and physical health (reading everything I can find about heroin addiction & going to yoga & walking), and the MOST important thing--keep loving her without controlling or enabling her or her addiction.
It is a hard road, but you will find a new normal.
You have to let her go.
If she wants to use heroin again, she will. If she wants recovery, she will find it on her own.
Coercing, controlling, manipulating, demanding...these don't work, even with buckets of love and devotion attached. I tried them and so did my extended family members. My 20 year old daughter also nearly died, and we, too, spent several months monitoring her as she recovered from 5 weeks in the hospital. She relapsed 6 months later, went to recovery, was sober for 8 months, then relapsed again. I blamed that first boyfriend. She is now using with a different guy, no longer the "bad" boyfriend who introduced her to it, but another guy she met in recovery, who she loves. I don't understand why she loves him. It's not mine to understand.
I have had to learn the painful way to focus on my own boundaries (she can't live here, she gets no money but I do pay for a cell phone, etc), my mental and physical health (reading everything I can find about heroin addiction & going to yoga & walking), and the MOST important thing--keep loving her without controlling or enabling her or her addiction.
It is a hard road, but you will find a new normal.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
My first thought when I read this was, let her go, please let her go.
She is 22 locked up in her own home, and babysat like a child. Why, she is an adult? Please know this won’t stop her from using if she wants to, nothing will. Also know that nothing made her use, but her, something in her, in her thinking. You can assign blame on meetings …. Put a bunch of addicts in any room and surely you have a bunch of addicts in that room or assign this all on the guy but really that won’t help her because she needs to be looking at herself and her actions and for her whys …
And sadly he is as sick as she is, and he is someone’s child too.
Making him the bad one will not help your daughter in any way and removes her as being responsible for the choices she made.
My son is a recovering addict, the first time he smoked crack was with his gf. Everyone really wanted to blame her, but see knowing what I know my concern was always what would make my child think that using drugs would solve or fix anything … what was it about him that made him feel as if he needed to use … especially since I made sure my children were well educated.
Chances of her staying clean will be on her. The only part you will play right now since you know is as the problem or the solution … I would choose wisely there.
The biggest gift you can give her is to take care of yourself, to not take her using personal, to not enable her, to not make excuses for her, to not cushion her falls because that takes the learning away, to not fix her mistakes, to not do anything for her she is capable of doing herself … to see her as capable and able to take care of herself.
And also know that the addiction is so counting on any shame and secrecy those who watch can provide. I would avoid that as well to give her a chance.
She is 22 locked up in her own home, and babysat like a child. Why, she is an adult? Please know this won’t stop her from using if she wants to, nothing will. Also know that nothing made her use, but her, something in her, in her thinking. You can assign blame on meetings …. Put a bunch of addicts in any room and surely you have a bunch of addicts in that room or assign this all on the guy but really that won’t help her because she needs to be looking at herself and her actions and for her whys …
And sadly he is as sick as she is, and he is someone’s child too.
Making him the bad one will not help your daughter in any way and removes her as being responsible for the choices she made.
My son is a recovering addict, the first time he smoked crack was with his gf. Everyone really wanted to blame her, but see knowing what I know my concern was always what would make my child think that using drugs would solve or fix anything … what was it about him that made him feel as if he needed to use … especially since I made sure my children were well educated.
Chances of her staying clean will be on her. The only part you will play right now since you know is as the problem or the solution … I would choose wisely there.
The biggest gift you can give her is to take care of yourself, to not take her using personal, to not enable her, to not make excuses for her, to not cushion her falls because that takes the learning away, to not fix her mistakes, to not do anything for her she is capable of doing herself … to see her as capable and able to take care of herself.
And also know that the addiction is so counting on any shame and secrecy those who watch can provide. I would avoid that as well to give her a chance.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
