Pain comes in waves...when will it end?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: South FL
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Pain comes in waves...when will it end?
I recently attended a counseling session and my therapist used the word depressed to describe how I was feeling. I don't know why, but I hate that word. It feels so hopeless, end of the game stage of life. When I responded in tears she asked, why I was so emotional about being called that and said just that. After a great deal of thinking, I am beginning to believe that dealing with my AH recent revealing of his secret life of addiction and cheating my feeling of "hopelessness" aka depression comes in waves.
He is 4 months sober and I have accepted him back home. When we are doing good, it's is awesome, but when the memories of what happened come flooding back in my mind I feel like even getting out of bed is a chore. The hardest part is knowing that these waves may never go away.
Counseling and my Al Anon meetings help, but this is one pain that I can't seem to shake. It is gut wrenching. The crazy part is my AH is doing everything I ever wanted him to do as a husband and father. He is working his program and even running his own meetings. He is even taking my verbal abuse like a champ (I have a tendency to get angry and say mean things when I am hurt and sad... I am working on this character defect as I type). When I am in the middle of reminding him all the awful things he has done to me in dirty detail, he just comforts me and tells me he loves me and he is not going anywhere. But, not even that helps.
I find myself just shutting down and closing myself out from the world. I just want to be alone. I hate it when I feel like this and I try to tell myself to focus on the good, but all I end up doing is cry in my pillow until it passes.
If anyone has been through this, can you please tell how long it will last? I am not sure I can handle it much longer and the waves are becoming more frequent.
He is 4 months sober and I have accepted him back home. When we are doing good, it's is awesome, but when the memories of what happened come flooding back in my mind I feel like even getting out of bed is a chore. The hardest part is knowing that these waves may never go away.
Counseling and my Al Anon meetings help, but this is one pain that I can't seem to shake. It is gut wrenching. The crazy part is my AH is doing everything I ever wanted him to do as a husband and father. He is working his program and even running his own meetings. He is even taking my verbal abuse like a champ (I have a tendency to get angry and say mean things when I am hurt and sad... I am working on this character defect as I type). When I am in the middle of reminding him all the awful things he has done to me in dirty detail, he just comforts me and tells me he loves me and he is not going anywhere. But, not even that helps.
I find myself just shutting down and closing myself out from the world. I just want to be alone. I hate it when I feel like this and I try to tell myself to focus on the good, but all I end up doing is cry in my pillow until it passes.
If anyone has been through this, can you please tell how long it will last? I am not sure I can handle it much longer and the waves are becoming more frequent.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when we are in the middle of the alligator pit, we focus on ONE thing....getting OUT with as many limbs as we can. our adrenaline kicks in, our brain shuts down except for the ONE prime directive...get out of this alive.
it's only when we reach the banks and move out of harms way that the horror of it all take its toll. post traumatic stress.
now things have settled down. now he's sober. now he's doing sober acts and being present. but YOU....you just clawed your way out of the gator pit. only now do you realized how close those teeth came to snapping your leg off. you are still in shock.
you need TIME. and space. and quiet. like curl up in the bed for two days, and only rise to eat and pee...don't even bother to bathe! LOL shut it all down...rest, sleep, nap, doze. watch mindless tv....infomercials....
now it's time for YOU babe. YOU.
it's only when we reach the banks and move out of harms way that the horror of it all take its toll. post traumatic stress.
now things have settled down. now he's sober. now he's doing sober acts and being present. but YOU....you just clawed your way out of the gator pit. only now do you realized how close those teeth came to snapping your leg off. you are still in shock.
you need TIME. and space. and quiet. like curl up in the bed for two days, and only rise to eat and pee...don't even bother to bathe! LOL shut it all down...rest, sleep, nap, doze. watch mindless tv....infomercials....
now it's time for YOU babe. YOU.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Im sorry for what your going through FaithHopeLove. (I really like your name by the way) 
My experience was much the same. Many things happened during my husbands time of active addiction, there was also cheating involved. Then he accepted help and went to rehab, started to recover from his addiction, came home continued to work his recovery using therapy, and was willing to do anything necessary to work on our marriage.
I wish I could say the healing was really quick for me; part of it did happen quickly, but there was a deeper part... processing everything that happened, things he did, things I did... making peace with it, working on rebuilding trust and confidence in the future... all that led to me finally letting go of the pain.
I would try to think about the waves of pain differently. Think of them as "healing waves of emotion". My therapist told me that the mind can only process so much at a time, we just cant rush the process. She said it was a sort of trauma that I experienced and I needed to be gentle with myself. Taking time to focus on the joys in everyday helped me, my little boy, and enjoying time with my husband also.
Yes, slowly I did learn to trust him again -and now 2 years later he is once again my rock. I think we have grown closer because of all we went through, and I also believe we have become stronger as individuals.
In addiction to personal therapy, I would suggest marriage counseling at some point if your husband is willing. This really helped speed up the healing process for both of us. We started it really early on at the suggestion of his rehab, and it was a real blessing.
I would also recommend this book to help with healing:
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Spring
.. If you ever want to chat feel free to send me a p.m. ...
My experience was much the same. Many things happened during my husbands time of active addiction, there was also cheating involved. Then he accepted help and went to rehab, started to recover from his addiction, came home continued to work his recovery using therapy, and was willing to do anything necessary to work on our marriage.
I wish I could say the healing was really quick for me; part of it did happen quickly, but there was a deeper part... processing everything that happened, things he did, things I did... making peace with it, working on rebuilding trust and confidence in the future... all that led to me finally letting go of the pain.
I would try to think about the waves of pain differently. Think of them as "healing waves of emotion". My therapist told me that the mind can only process so much at a time, we just cant rush the process. She said it was a sort of trauma that I experienced and I needed to be gentle with myself. Taking time to focus on the joys in everyday helped me, my little boy
, and enjoying time with my husband also. Yes, slowly I did learn to trust him again -and now 2 years later he is once again my rock. I think we have grown closer because of all we went through, and I also believe we have become stronger as individuals.
In addiction to personal therapy, I would suggest marriage counseling at some point if your husband is willing. This really helped speed up the healing process for both of us. We started it really early on at the suggestion of his rehab, and it was a real blessing.
I would also recommend this book to help with healing:
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Spring
.. If you ever want to chat feel free to send me a p.m. ...
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