It's me again. Trying to feel good about leaving my husband.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 12
It's me again. Trying to feel good about leaving my husband.
I posted here some time last year about thinking of leaving my husband who has a pretty bad heroin addiction.
I didn't leave, but now I feel like I have to. I spend a lot of time reading posts here and identifying with them. Things have gotten worse. I'm living in a hell.
Things got better for a bit. He found a job and relocated to a new city. I stayed here to sort things out with the house and my job. I intended on moving there to be with him as long as he got help. He was in outpatient treatment (methadone and counseling) for a while. Then, he lost his job in the new city and started down the same path of self-destruction he always goes down. He came back here and has been spending the past month or so selling things out of our house and his mother's house for drug money. He is now very open about his addiction and doesn't try to hide it. He uses in front of me. I leave the room. I cry. He laughs at me. I've kind of detached myself emotionally. I live in my bedroom. I go to work, return home, and hide.
I think it's time for me to go. I mean, wow, I KNOW it's time for me to go. I want to leave because I know it would be the healthiest thing for me to do for myself, but I have that fear that he'll die. I know I can't prevent that from happening whether or not I choose to stay or leave, but it's a big fear.
I have not been doing well mentally. I've lost so much. All trust is gone. I sometimes feel like I'm experiencing PTSD.
My family has offered more than once to let me stay with them. My father, who is pushing 70, has offered to rent a truck and help me pack. I haven't consulted a lawyer about divorce yet, but I probably should.
I guess there is never a good way to leave an addict. Can any of you who have done this give me words of advice or encouragement? Were you able to reconcile? Did your addict spouse ever get help? If not, how have you moved on? Can you ever get over the breakdown of trust? I promised my life to this person, and even though I'm not a religious person I took my marriage vows very seriously. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. Living like this is not good.
I didn't leave, but now I feel like I have to. I spend a lot of time reading posts here and identifying with them. Things have gotten worse. I'm living in a hell.
Things got better for a bit. He found a job and relocated to a new city. I stayed here to sort things out with the house and my job. I intended on moving there to be with him as long as he got help. He was in outpatient treatment (methadone and counseling) for a while. Then, he lost his job in the new city and started down the same path of self-destruction he always goes down. He came back here and has been spending the past month or so selling things out of our house and his mother's house for drug money. He is now very open about his addiction and doesn't try to hide it. He uses in front of me. I leave the room. I cry. He laughs at me. I've kind of detached myself emotionally. I live in my bedroom. I go to work, return home, and hide.
I think it's time for me to go. I mean, wow, I KNOW it's time for me to go. I want to leave because I know it would be the healthiest thing for me to do for myself, but I have that fear that he'll die. I know I can't prevent that from happening whether or not I choose to stay or leave, but it's a big fear.
I have not been doing well mentally. I've lost so much. All trust is gone. I sometimes feel like I'm experiencing PTSD.
My family has offered more than once to let me stay with them. My father, who is pushing 70, has offered to rent a truck and help me pack. I haven't consulted a lawyer about divorce yet, but I probably should.
I guess there is never a good way to leave an addict. Can any of you who have done this give me words of advice or encouragement? Were you able to reconcile? Did your addict spouse ever get help? If not, how have you moved on? Can you ever get over the breakdown of trust? I promised my life to this person, and even though I'm not a religious person I took my marriage vows very seriously. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. Living like this is not good.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is not the person you married and took vows with. That person is gone. If you stay you are going to tax yourself with anxiety so badly you will suffer greatly. You deserve better. And if the home gets raided, you will go down with him.
Things will eventually become so bad that you won't be able to stand it anymore, or that is how it happened for me. At that very second I knew. Now I look back and see how much of my own life I have wasted.
You are right, there is nothing you can do for him if he does not want to help himself. You deserve to get help for YOU.
Hugs.
XXX
Things will eventually become so bad that you won't be able to stand it anymore, or that is how it happened for me. At that very second I knew. Now I look back and see how much of my own life I have wasted.
You are right, there is nothing you can do for him if he does not want to help himself. You deserve to get help for YOU.
Hugs.
XXX
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
nmb, my heart goes out to you. You must do what is best for you and your sanity. I'm sure you've tried as much as you can.
If it's any consolation, when I was in rehab, every addict speaker talked about how they lost their spouse and family without exception. Sometimes it takes something drastic for someone to change. You cannot change them. They have to realize themselves.
I wish you the best.
If it's any consolation, when I was in rehab, every addict speaker talked about how they lost their spouse and family without exception. Sometimes it takes something drastic for someone to change. You cannot change them. They have to realize themselves.
I wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 12
Thank you for responding from the other side of the situation.
I certainly tried to stand by my partner, but I eventually realized that this is something I cannot fix. It never was. I also don't hope that losing me will make him "wake up". I know I need to leave because I am not living in a healthy way. I am suffering.
I certainly tried to stand by my partner, but I eventually realized that this is something I cannot fix. It never was. I also don't hope that losing me will make him "wake up". I know I need to leave because I am not living in a healthy way. I am suffering.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by nmb4421 
I also don't hope that losing me will make him "wake up". I know I need to leave because I am not living in a healthy way. I am suffering.
Why not call your father and make a date to move?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 28
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I agree that this isn't the person you married, nor at this point, does he care whether you stay or go. When they laugh at your pain, they are for certain lost.
Take heart in the fact that you tried. That you loved him enough to hang in there for as long as you could and keep in mind that now it's time to take care of YOU...Because nothing you can do will make him change until he wants to. It's time for you to come before the addict in your life.
Good luck to you
I agree that this isn't the person you married, nor at this point, does he care whether you stay or go. When they laugh at your pain, they are for certain lost.
Take heart in the fact that you tried. That you loved him enough to hang in there for as long as you could and keep in mind that now it's time to take care of YOU...Because nothing you can do will make him change until he wants to. It's time for you to come before the addict in your life.
Good luck to you
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He came back here and has been spending the past month or so selling things out of our house and his mother's house for drug money. He is now very open about his addiction and doesn't try to hide it. He uses in front of me. I leave the room. I cry. He laughs at me. I've kind of detached myself emotionally. I live in my bedroom. I go to work, return home, and hide.
You have a chance to change your life and move forward. I hope you find the courage to do that.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
The title of your post says "Trying to feel good about leaving"
The honest truth is.....
You can't feel good about it. If you are going to do it...you just have to do it.
A good friend of mine told me this:
There will be exciting times
There will be sad times
There will be scary times
All of it. You have to go thru all of it.
She was OH SO RIGHT.....
Freedom and saving yourself can be exhilarating....if you let it.
Please don't think you have any power or control over his addiction.
Whether you stay or whether you go....his path in addiction is his.
It will be whatever that path is. So you don't have to worry about what he's doing...
Only what you are going to do.
The honest truth is.....
You can't feel good about it. If you are going to do it...you just have to do it.
A good friend of mine told me this:
There will be exciting times
There will be sad times
There will be scary times
All of it. You have to go thru all of it.
She was OH SO RIGHT.....
Freedom and saving yourself can be exhilarating....if you let it.
Please don't think you have any power or control over his addiction.
Whether you stay or whether you go....his path in addiction is his.
It will be whatever that path is. So you don't have to worry about what he's doing...
Only what you are going to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I filed for divorce last year and it was a very difficult decision. I kept praying and hoping that things would get better, but they just got worse. I saw the caring, compassionate man that I loved turn into a very selfish and cruel person. I knew that if I stayed my well-being (both physical and mental) would be in danger. It was getting to the point where I was in physical pain from all the stress and anxiety.
Since he left, the peace and calmness has returned to my life. He was very angry when he left (I was the bad guy) and I took the advice that there should be no contact between us. That turned out to be very good advice because it gave me the opportunity to work on myself and start healing. It also allowed me to put some distance between me and the craziness that comes with addiction. The fog started to lift and I could feel myself getting better and stronger. I was very surprised when he tried to contact me a few weeks after he left. He wanted us to try and work things out, but by that point the trust was totally gone.
As difficult as it was for me to end my marriage, it would have been even more difficult for me to stay in it. I feel like now I can make plans for my future and not have to worry about drugs/addiction. I'm not being lied to, manipulated and blamed for things that were not my fault. After having lived with the craziness of addiction, I value the peacefulness in my life even more.
Sending you lots of hugs and I hope things work out for you. You WILL be alright and you WILL get through this. Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Since he left, the peace and calmness has returned to my life. He was very angry when he left (I was the bad guy) and I took the advice that there should be no contact between us. That turned out to be very good advice because it gave me the opportunity to work on myself and start healing. It also allowed me to put some distance between me and the craziness that comes with addiction. The fog started to lift and I could feel myself getting better and stronger. I was very surprised when he tried to contact me a few weeks after he left. He wanted us to try and work things out, but by that point the trust was totally gone.
As difficult as it was for me to end my marriage, it would have been even more difficult for me to stay in it. I feel like now I can make plans for my future and not have to worry about drugs/addiction. I'm not being lied to, manipulated and blamed for things that were not my fault. After having lived with the craziness of addiction, I value the peacefulness in my life even more.
Sending you lots of hugs and I hope things work out for you. You WILL be alright and you WILL get through this. Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am sorry that you are hurting. I can hear that you know what is best for you. Someday this pain will be behind you, and life will be so much better. Happiness is worth the pain it takes to get there.
my best,
chicory
my best,
chicory
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