Help! Addiction Cheating Married Kids
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: South FL
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Help! Addiction Cheating Married Kids
6 months ago, I was a happily married mother of two. Married for 6 years, Together for 9 years. Like any relationship we had our struggles, but in no way shape or form would I have ever imagined they would be to this extent.
September 2013, my husband admitted to me he had a drug problem. When I say I was shocked, I mean, I had absolutely zero clue. His family, my family, our friends all had no clue. Initially he only admitted to a pain killer addiction that started 3 years prior, in which he immediately entered into a 12 step inpatient treatment center. It has since been revealed to me that my husband was a high functioning alcoholic that progressed to being a crack head, pain killer abusing, heroin addict and he has been dealing with his addiction since before we even met. He managed to start and successfully run a company, father two healthy children, attend all important family events, and was home every night for dinner all while being completely high. Some might ask, How could I have not seen the signs? How could I not know something was wrong? Answer, hindsight is 20 20. I have never experimented with drugs and did not drink anything other than beer or wine.
As details of his drug use were revealed, doubts about the strength of what I thought to be the soul mate death do us apart unbreakable bond began to surface? He was in treatment for 40 days and I attended attended all but one family meeting, all while taking care of the household, managing his company, and dealing with the trauma of what was now my new life. Two days after I picked him up from rehab, I received a text that my husband had established feelings for girl (also married with children) he met while in treatment and they were running off together. 9 years, 2 children, 1 company, 2 houses, and 1 wife who just hours before receiving the above reference text said she believes in the man she said "I do" to on that beautiful January day in 2008 all thrown away for a girl who he just met 1 month ago.
By this time I was unable to cry. I had been crying every night for over a month, lost 20 lbs, and the only thing that got me out of bed everyday were my kids. When I received this text all I could do was shut down.
1 week later he came to me crying saying he made a mistake and just when I started to take him back, he ran off with her again. 1 month later he called me and said he could no longer live his life the way he was, he admitted he was using a again and said he wanted help. That day, one day after Thanksgiving, he went back into rehab and has now been sober for 4 months.
The rehab romance ended a week before he called me for help and after 3 weeks of rehab he came home. We both are in a 12 step program (he is in AA and I am in AlAnon) and we attend marriage counseling once a week. We are also 3 months pregnant. I know, it's crazy. I struggle quite a bit with the reality of what has transpired over the last 6 months. The secret life of addiction and lies, the cheating, and all the stinking thinking that got us here in the first place. I consider myself to be a strong woman. Before all this happened, I can't even remember when the last time I cried. I believe in marriage, I believe in my vows, and I don't give up or scare easily. However, I feel that while I was in the middle of the worst storm of my life I could see so clearly what I wanted. I wanted my family back. And now that the storm has passed and the the dust is settling I question if I can truly live with everything that has happened. I know I am capable both financially and mentally to be a single mom of 3, but I don't know if that is what I want.
Sorry for the long story. Any comments would be helpful.
September 2013, my husband admitted to me he had a drug problem. When I say I was shocked, I mean, I had absolutely zero clue. His family, my family, our friends all had no clue. Initially he only admitted to a pain killer addiction that started 3 years prior, in which he immediately entered into a 12 step inpatient treatment center. It has since been revealed to me that my husband was a high functioning alcoholic that progressed to being a crack head, pain killer abusing, heroin addict and he has been dealing with his addiction since before we even met. He managed to start and successfully run a company, father two healthy children, attend all important family events, and was home every night for dinner all while being completely high. Some might ask, How could I have not seen the signs? How could I not know something was wrong? Answer, hindsight is 20 20. I have never experimented with drugs and did not drink anything other than beer or wine.
As details of his drug use were revealed, doubts about the strength of what I thought to be the soul mate death do us apart unbreakable bond began to surface? He was in treatment for 40 days and I attended attended all but one family meeting, all while taking care of the household, managing his company, and dealing with the trauma of what was now my new life. Two days after I picked him up from rehab, I received a text that my husband had established feelings for girl (also married with children) he met while in treatment and they were running off together. 9 years, 2 children, 1 company, 2 houses, and 1 wife who just hours before receiving the above reference text said she believes in the man she said "I do" to on that beautiful January day in 2008 all thrown away for a girl who he just met 1 month ago.
By this time I was unable to cry. I had been crying every night for over a month, lost 20 lbs, and the only thing that got me out of bed everyday were my kids. When I received this text all I could do was shut down.
1 week later he came to me crying saying he made a mistake and just when I started to take him back, he ran off with her again. 1 month later he called me and said he could no longer live his life the way he was, he admitted he was using a again and said he wanted help. That day, one day after Thanksgiving, he went back into rehab and has now been sober for 4 months.
The rehab romance ended a week before he called me for help and after 3 weeks of rehab he came home. We both are in a 12 step program (he is in AA and I am in AlAnon) and we attend marriage counseling once a week. We are also 3 months pregnant. I know, it's crazy. I struggle quite a bit with the reality of what has transpired over the last 6 months. The secret life of addiction and lies, the cheating, and all the stinking thinking that got us here in the first place. I consider myself to be a strong woman. Before all this happened, I can't even remember when the last time I cried. I believe in marriage, I believe in my vows, and I don't give up or scare easily. However, I feel that while I was in the middle of the worst storm of my life I could see so clearly what I wanted. I wanted my family back. And now that the storm has passed and the the dust is settling I question if I can truly live with everything that has happened. I know I am capable both financially and mentally to be a single mom of 3, but I don't know if that is what I want.
Sorry for the long story. Any comments would be helpful.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
To find the answers you need you have to make sure that this is about what you need and want from this life. And if you can’t get over the past, then you can’t. Just make sure somewhere within you make peace with it all and that you forgive and that isn’t really for him but for your own soul.
Some have been able to move past the cheating. Cheating for me is a deal breaker. Some have been able to move past the confusion and heartache they felt living with someone in active addiction ... You will have to find what your own deal breakers are. You also should have some boundaries as well because the dust can stir back up real quick with addiction. This is another thing that really has to be put in the forefront, the fact that they can relapse and if you will be able to live without always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because if you can’t, then staying won’t be much of a life stuck in some constant state of worry and fear and wondering what will be each day … which is so much different that waking excited to greet each day.
Take good care of yourself.
Some have been able to move past the cheating. Cheating for me is a deal breaker. Some have been able to move past the confusion and heartache they felt living with someone in active addiction ... You will have to find what your own deal breakers are. You also should have some boundaries as well because the dust can stir back up real quick with addiction. This is another thing that really has to be put in the forefront, the fact that they can relapse and if you will be able to live without always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because if you can’t, then staying won’t be much of a life stuck in some constant state of worry and fear and wondering what will be each day … which is so much different that waking excited to greet each day.
Take good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by FaithHopeLove28 
I know I am capable both financially and mentally to be a single mom of 3. Any comments would be helpful.
Be patient with yourself and try not to rush yourself into any decisions until you feel it is right for you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I understand what you are feeling. I am so sorry. I think it is up to each individual to figure out if you can ever get past the hurt that he caused you. I would encourage you to do individual therapy w/out him to help you discover what you really want FOR YOU this time.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Originally Posted by atalose
You keep reminding yourself of that every single hour of every single day. Nohting says you need to make a life decision today or even tomorrow allow yourself the time you need to truely morn what you though you had and those future dreams. Life is much different today for you and you need time to figure it all out.
Be patient with yourself and try not to rush yourself into any decisions until you feel it is right for you.
Be patient with yourself and try not to rush yourself into any decisions until you feel it is right for you.
I am an ex-addcit (4+ years sober) and my husband is in a 14 month program (3 months in). I am able to forgive what transgressed.. but find that i'm angry I can't trust him. Building that trust will just take time. MOre time and more time.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Faithhopelove, Welcome to SR.
If you are questioning your initial full throttle attempts to be there for your RAH, don't worry as I sit on this park bench too! I've been here nearly a year. I take it one day at a time and work my steps. When I think about separation/divorce in an official way, I get muddled.
I think Melody Beattie might have written something about if your mind is not at peace about a situation, then you don't have to force an answer right then. We don't need to do. We can watch. We can listen. We can give the situation time. More will be revealed - as you well know that can be surprising and painful.
A baby is coming. That is pretty sweet and that is where I'd let my focus lie for a bit.
If you are questioning your initial full throttle attempts to be there for your RAH, don't worry as I sit on this park bench too! I've been here nearly a year. I take it one day at a time and work my steps. When I think about separation/divorce in an official way, I get muddled.
I think Melody Beattie might have written something about if your mind is not at peace about a situation, then you don't have to force an answer right then. We don't need to do. We can watch. We can listen. We can give the situation time. More will be revealed - as you well know that can be surprising and painful.
A baby is coming. That is pretty sweet and that is where I'd let my focus lie for a bit.
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