KF85

I haven't posted in a while, I did believe I was seeing things that weren't there, now I am pretty sure something is up. He has been spending time now almost every day with friends who use. I still don't see more than 10 bucks missing most days but apparently since he uses subs too that most be enough to get high once in a while. (I handle finances - his choice as well - so I would know if anything else was missing). He is very defensive at the slightest hint of any questioning in regards to his time or money.

He bought a Movado watch from a friend that he happened to find, for only 50 bucks. It's worth like 700. I said it's fine we can buy for 50, and that's what we did. This is Saturday. Suddenly on Sunday he says he needs 20 more because the guy really wanted 70 for it and he figured he might "let off" the other 20. So I gave him 20 more because I didn't want to fight, and he went out and came back and didn't seem high or anything so I don't know (Many times he will come home from time with friends extra perky even if I don't see all the other signs). So I'm still confused. We discussed listing it on Craigslist to make some extra money to do something fun as a family and said maybe list it for 300 so we make 250 profit since it was 50 (or 70, whatever). Today he calls me, says he's going to list it, maybe 250. I said that's fine, take a little less if you want, etc. He lists it for 175.

I asked why so low and he figures easier to sell. I said "Well it's not like we NEED the money ASAP I thought we were going to play around with it and just see what we get for it, we aren't in a rush." He got upset and said "Don't worry you'll get the 70 back you put into it and I will just keep the 100 if it sells for 175."

Last year he sold one of his hobby tractors for 200 instead of 4-500 on a whim. Said he just wanted space in the barn and spending money. The money was gone in a couple days.

Help me disconnect so that I don't "care" how quickly this 100 is gone. Also note that I have STILL not found any clear evidence of drug use but this selling the watch super cheap now has my radar way up. I don't know what to do. I can't confront him, if I even begin to ask him he starts to flip out. I want to leave if he is using, I know that, but I can't even prove he is.

KF85

And at this point it's the lies that are killing me, assuming they are lies. Not the actual use, because if there is use, it must be small. I wish I wish I wish that if he IS using he would be honest about it. I have said other times during relapses in the beginning that I just want to be there for him and have an honest relationship, I don't want to judge or leave, etc. And it's true. If he was just honest I wouldn't want to leave. It's the lies that kill me.

AnvilheadII

first you said if he is using you want to leave.
then you countered that by saying if he IS using and would just be HONEST about it, you wouldn't leave.
but the lies are killing you.
you are in a state of emotional distress because he is not acting in an honest forthright way. and he gets defensive if you bring up anything.

is this how you want to live? having to clamp down SO tight on the finances that even an unaccounted for $10 in a day causes YOU so much grief? there really isn't much to build upon without trust.....

KF85

Because after doing this again and again that I KNOW he can't/won't be honest, I do want to leave. I may not have been clear. Before, or if I still had hope he would be honest which I don't, I think I really would feel differently about leaving or staying because it's the lying and the complete disregard for my feelings about being lied to that really hurts day to day, not the actual using. Either way I want to leave. Just so hard.

incitingsilence

One thing I know, even with a total cut off from money. And my husband cut all sources of money off he never was without money to use if he wanted to. He just picked up side jobs. It was that simple. There were so many ways to make extra cash …

The absence of lying … the truth can be a game too. If he knows all he has to do is be truthful, it can become some twisted free pass … It is a shame because honesty, being able to be honest with yourself is the most important tool to finding recovery.

I found that I got all the truth I needed once I stopped asking questions based on his actions … asking questions based on his reactions … and started asking them about my own.

Seriously the only way you will ever really know the truth is to start taking care of you and stop focusing on him.

KF85

I know. I need to relearn how to focus on me I think. Instead of constant worry. I don't want to control him I am not really "Codie" I just am so anxious.

rcutch

For me, the first part of detaching was to continually tell myself that the lies had nothing to do with me. I refuse to be hurt by them any longer. I had to stop being a victim. My AH was lying, but it wasn't just to me. It was to our children, family, friends and most of all - himself. Holding an addicts money will not stop them from using - they are resourceful. When I held the money for my AH, I ended up feeling much worse when something happened. It took me many times to realize he could sell me the Brooklyn Bridge and I would believe it because I wanted him to be well. Our last time around - we created a family budget and he was handed all of his spending money. When it was gone - he was out. He found ways to get more money.

As many have suggested - take care of you. That is all you can do and most of all remember -there addiction as NOTHING to do with you...you didn't cause it!

NEAVON12

I haven't posted in awhile, been married 24 years -got divorced and then reconciled because I believed he changed. Logged on today because my dr told me I needed a meeting as I sat in her office crying b/c I didn't know whether to pay the house note or pay for husbands suboxne. As I heard her tell me I needed a meeting I knew she was right, and I have had friends, counselors and her tell me to put me first.. just like I read KF say today. I feel like I could have written her post. So today husband didn't go get his meds, and I'm at work, torn. Feels better to read posts and realize I am so not alone

KF85

I need to let the lies not hurt me while I deduce what is actually going on for sure. But that's the hard part, to me there is nothing worse than lies.

NEAVON12

KF agreed, and I have put up with so many lies, that I only believe half of what is told to me. And my husband is a pathological liar, he lies for no reason, and other times lies to make himself look better...there is a book called "your lover is a liar" and it is very good!
A wise person once told me, or asked me, what difference does it make. In other words, if you find out for sure, will you leave? or will it just upset you more? Chances are if you think he is lying, and your intuition is up, you are probably correct. And as I type this I am talking to myself as well.

KF85

A wise person once told me, or asked me, what difference does it make. In other words, if you find out for sure, will you leave? or will it just upset you more?

That's the difference, this time, if I know for sure he's using again, I WILL leave. I won't flounder again. I just don't know and can't ask. For now again I suppose I need to ignore it and it will prove itself in time.

cynical one

Extra perky could mean he swapped opiates for coke, meth, Ritalin, Adderall, etc.

A "found" Movado watch could easily be a stolen Movado watch along with stolen other things to account for no money missing. I'd think twice about putting it on Craigslist. You do know what the right thing to do is?

KF85

I honestly do not think he stole the watch, and know the guy he got it from. Highly unlikely. Despite drug use there are no risky behaviors otherwise or history of stealing. It's just the example of selling something again like the tractor.

I have wondered about coke and don't know much about it but again, I have no proof or other signs and could be looking for him to be extra happy when he comes home so I can suspect. Such a fine line.

AnvilheadII

KF...you just have been talking about how you can't TRUST him, but suddenly you are SURE that watch wasn't stolen. when in fact you have NO idea what he is or is not doing, nor any real idea of what he is capable of.......nobody just FINDS a $500 watch....if they did, let's say at the gym, the appropriate thing to do would be to turn it in. watches don't just fall off on the sidewalk.

anyway....it's all suspicious isn't it? NOT NORMAL? you don't need proof, you can be done the exact precise moment YOU say you are done and then make that decision.........

KF85

I'm just saying, in 12 years with him, there have not been any goings on like stealing etc even in the past couple years of back and forth with drugs. I highly doubt that's starting now when the most money I am missing is 10 bucks here and there. I am not being naive I am just saying. I don't know, I give up.

NEAVON12

Not sure what your spiritual beliefs are, but everytime I have prayed for something to be revealed to me, it has been.

Lovenjoy

Hey KF - I related to much of your post even though my addict is my son. The worry, the anxiety, the suspicions, the lying, the funny business with purchases, it is all so wearing on our peace.

You want to detach and that is something I have been only recently learning to do. It has helped me more than I can even say. My behaviors are changing and I am finding longer moments, sometimes even whole days, that I'm not obsessing about his problems. I hesitate to make this suggestion because you say "I don't want to control him I am not really "Codie" I just am so anxious." But what has helped me begin to change my reactions and actions in regards to living with addiction has been identifying with my codie behaviors and working towards healing. Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More has amazing information on detaching. It is a wonderful book about taking care of self in the midst of the craziness of addiction.

Also, in my experience, if my instincts tell me something is up….. you can bet something is up. Please take care of you most of all and first of all. As someone here told me recently You. Are. Important. What can you do today that is comforting, fun and just for you? Keep posting, it's easier to walk together than alone!

jjj111

I would find it pretty hard to detach in this situation, too. You are in up to your neck in it. You have pinned your hopes for having money to do something fun with your family on the possibility that a *possibly* recovering addict will sell a watch that he came by in questionable circumstances and share the money with his family. Does he have a job? This doesn't seem like the best way to try to come up with family fun money. I have to admit that this post is very triggering for me. Reminds me of so many times when my AXBF got me involved in financial schemes that seemed like they were going to pay off and get me something *I* wanted but somehow he always ended up keeping (and quickly spending) the money. Anyway, in my experience it's very hard to detach while caught up in this kind of nonsense. First I had to do the hard work of cutting myself out of the nonsense (for example, refusing to give AXBF money for any reason), then I got to enjoy the peace that comes with detachment.

BlueChair

If you think the relationship is over for you then maybe you should start working towards a plan to leave. What I hear you saying is the lies bother you, but your not sure if he’s lying but you think he is. If he stole the watch, or his friend stole the watch then why would they even tell you about it, or put it on Craigslist? Some of that sounds confusing but no one here has the answer, and I doubt lots more speculation will help ease your mind. Looking at it from a relationship standpoint, it sounds like there is not a lot of good communication between you. You cant ask him, he gets angry if you ask questions, and your always skeptical of him. He probably feels like your always watching him, nagging or threatening him? Maybe you should try a family program like CRAFT that teaches you how to put yourself first, but also COMMUNICATE with him in a different way, so you get more back from him emotionally. Theres a book you might look at: Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening.

L0stH0pe

Hi KF85

your post could have been me a few weeks ago.. bottom line, if you THINK hes using, hes most likely using.. you need to relearn to trust your own instincts. Now, what you are going to do about it is a different issue... should i stay or should i go was the question that kept me close to insanity for quite some time and then blue recommended the book to me. And, it was a real life changer for me. I really clicked with this alternative way of doing things, and AH is happier because we have found a better way to communicate.

CRAFT concentrates on self empowerment both for you and the A in your life, it puts the responsibilities back to where they should be and gives you a fresh way of resolving problem situations. YOU are still at the center of the program, your behaviour patterns and thoughts and feelings are what you will be addressing.. from that point on you are in a much better position to make an informed decision about staying or leaving.