Ilovetodance

Hi there! It's the first time I've used a site like this. I stumbled across it after searching the internet for some much needed help and advice. I think my partner has relapsed (or possibly never recovered). Perhaps a bit of background would be useful?!! Around 19 years ago, long before we met, my partner entered rehab for treatment of his opiate addiction. He emerged clean and vowed never to use opiates again. To my knowledge, this is true. However, his alcohol and cocaine use continue to escalate.

I had no idea about his cocaine use (and how frequently he used) until I moved in with him 6 months ago. It came as a shock when one of his friends told me his use was at least twice per week. He drinks every night (around 4-6 pints of lager) as well. Possibly the worst part of all of this is his denial. He lies about if he has used (he had several tell tale signs....particularly his mouth moving in a strange way). He uses cocaine when we have the slightest disagreement. When he uses cocaine, it makes him angry and his mood swings are awful. At these times, he often tells me to 'f' off and get out of his house. Unfortunately, I have nowhere else to go, since I sold my flat. The more he gets angry with me, the more he uses to "cope".

I often find myself in tears, unable to sleep and have tried to reach out to the few friends I have left, but they don't seem to understand. Also, my partner tried to offer me cocaine, despite knowing I have never touched substances! He stated that he'd "not done coke for ages and thought we needed a treat".

He's changed from the man I loved more than anything into a cold and distant person. I feel very alone and a bit lost (and completely out of my depth). To make matters worse, my partner is a Drugs Worker. He got the job when he finished rehab all those years ago. I fear his work may find out and he might lose his job.

Any help or advice would be gratefully received.....thanks for reading this.

Ratdog

It makes no difference which substance he uses. He is NOT sober. The disease of addiction doesn't care how it's itch gets scratched. Any mood altering substance will work equally well.

You mentioned his denial. That is one of the biggest symptom of addiction. He truly doesn't think he has a problem, and he won't stop until he truly believes that he does. He will continue to spiral downward, out of control, and unfortunately, he will drag you with him.

Your love for him will not fix him. You cannot fix him. The safest place for you is away from him until he gets into recovery. You didn't mention any violence, but that is always a possibility with an addict, even one who is kind and loving when sober. We can be real Jekyll & Hydes.

If you don't have a close friend who can help you with a place to stay temporarily, you might check out some of the women's shelters in your area. They can give you a place to stay and, more importantly, point you toward some real help. You need help and guidance as much as he does. ALANON Family Groups may also help. They are in the phone book. Give them a call.

Ilovetodance

Hi Ratdog,

Thank you so much for your reply and your advice....it means the world to me at the moment. It's good to know I'm not alone. I guess I've also been in denial about my partner's addiction. Reading your reply made me realise that perhaps I've also been enabling him; he was in terrible debt (which only became apparent when I moved in, as bailiffs were knocking at the door). Unfortunately, I have paid most of this off for him.

You're right about the Jekyll and Hyde element of his personality. I have described it before as akin to flicking a light switch; we can be having a pleasant conversation and suddenly he flips....becoming verbally abusive and threatening. He used to apologise for this behaviour, but lately he tells me it's my fault. I have spent the last few weeks feeling confused; searching for the reasons why his anger is caused by me. I've come to realise that his anger is caused by his cocaine use and has nothing to do with what I say or do.

The harsh reality is exactly as you say....I need to get out. Find somewhere to stay. Although leaving will break my heart.

Thank you once again for your words of wisdom.

Ratdog

Dance, you are correct about the enabling behavior. Paying his bills for him and keeping the constables away only allows him to continue his self-destructive ways. As alcoholics or addicts, if we don't have to suffer the consequences of our actions, there is no way to reach our bottom (however low that may be).

From your spelling and word use, I assume that you're a Brit. I know that AA, ALANON and many others exist in the UK and can be of immense help. I hope that you contact them. I'm sure that you can also reach out to a local church for help and maybe temporary shelter. As I said above, you need some help as well. Take care of yourself first! Be strong & trust God!

chicory

Dance, welcome. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It is very hard to realize that someone you love is unreachable, due to addiction. You cannot fix it, did not cause it and you can;t control it, no matter what you do.
Al-Anon is an amazing resource. You will find those who understand where you are and can support you, while you learn about addiction and what it means to your life.

I hope you are safe and I hope you stick around, for the support you will find here.

my best to you.