Butterfly

I had texted him last night and he told me he loves me and always will!! He also told me yesterday that he never wants anyone else. I replied but he didn't reply which usually means he's out with his scumbag friends. I couldn't sleep kept waking up to see if he replied but he hadn't. He replied early today said he was in bed. I know I need to let go he left but I still worry about him and he was to collect the kids today and all I could think about was if he's on a bender he will let them down! I kept thinking what if he rings tomorrow asking me to collect him which he always did when he had had enough to drink what would I do. Would I collect him and get him home. Yes I think I would as I would want him to get home safe.

I still don't understand why he says he loves me and doesn't want anyone else but wants to be on his own to do what he wants and doesn't want to be constrained by marriage. Is this more manipulation? I don't know what is real whether he's being truthful or stringing me along?

Since he left he's only had one episode of drinking the next day but he is drinking most nights now but I can't help but think he left because of me I'm not enough for him I can't make him happy.

He has bought a new place and his move in date is what would have been our 17th wedding anniversary. He said he didn't even think about the date. Suppose what does that tell me?? He's staying with his mum and says he can't take time for himself to think living there may also put constraints on the level he drinks. He says he has resigned himself to the fact that he won't have time for himself until he moves. He doesn't want to make time to work through this maybe when he moves his drinking will get worse. But I can't help thinking he left not so he could drink but because of me and he doesn't love me if he did would he not fight for me for our marriage and the future he promised me?

I dreamt last night that we bought a house together and were really happy. That dream won't come true! I'm not and never was important enough or good enough for him

LoveMeNow

I am sorry confused. It's all so hard and very painful.

I recently separated from my husband too and will be seeking a divorce. There will not be any more attempts at reconciling. Been there, done that too many times.

Although my husband did attempt recovery, he never sustained it. It's so sad how addiction takes over and leaves just behind the shell of who they once were. They simply aren't capable of loving another human. Addiction won't allow it!!

FeelingGreat

Hi confused, I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through.

You can spend a long time wondering what's going on in his head, whether it's you, whether you're good enough for him, does he really love you etc. but the real script in his mind probably reads 'drink, more drink, next drink'. And you're pinning your self-respect on what HE thinks.
Have you considered that he's not good enough for you? After all, you are the one keeping things together.
Please get some professional help to process the very natural hurt you're feeling. He's taking up a lot of room in your head, and your focus now should be on you and the family. Look after yourself, maybe do something for you, and start sorting out the finances and other jobs that need doing. He's no good for you while he's drinking; he'll drag you down unless you let go.
Have you had a chance to talk to a lawyer about how the finances can be organised?

Taking5

Does it really matter which it is? Do you see a future that you want in either case?

Overanalyzing this will not change anything.

L0stH0pe

Im so sorry you are going through this! I know how horrible it is to literally lose sleep over them, and, without sleep and rest, you can't possibly function at your best. Ive been battling insomnia for months now, well years actually and got to the point where i was prescribed medication to give me at least a few reprieve now and again.

I dont know you or your AH, but one thing is screaming at me when i read your post... and that is: it is absolutely, utterly, totally NOT your fault that he chooses his addiction over his family! And that is what he is doing, he is choosing his addiction AND wants to keep the backdoor open so that he can come crawling back as/when/if he sees fit. Is it manipulation? Yes i would say so... i have fallen for it myself in the past.

Trust your instincts (i know, it gets to a point where we DONT trust those instincts anymore, but that doesnt make them any more or any less right about a given situation) and i agree with you that his "alone time" at the very least for the immediate future should be translated to "alone drugging/drinking time". He doesnt want to be accountable for his actions, he is in that denial part of his addiction, where nothing and nobody can reach him.

I had a similar conversation with my AH last night.. i tried to figure out how he can maintain he loves me and the kids, yet he did those awful things that you just dont do to people you love. What makes it "worse" for me is his admission that he didnt use because there was "anything wrong with our marriage or i was doing anything wrong" he "just liked to be high".. that is a smack in the face! I keep thinking, if only it had been due to something that made him unhappy, i could HELP, i could change, i could do something different.. but he was just in love with feeling high, end of, period, no mystery.

I think (and i say this gently) you need to take the focus away from YOU and see this for what it really is... HIM choosing his DOC OVER a loving wife and family. It is not personal to you, he just needs/wants his drugs/alcohol more than he wants you. In a way that will hurt you more than the realisation than taking on the blame, because this is something you have NO control over, its HIS choice and his alone and he didnt choose you...

Last year at one point, AH and i had one of our usual arguements about him being high, oh no im not, oh yes you are, oh no im not, youre paranoid, youre this that and the next thing, just for me to find the evidence within minutes of that arguement. His answer "well, you give me ONE good reason why i CANT have both YOU AND MY DRUGS" ummm seriously @_@ yup, their thinking is totally screwed and messed...

I think for you detachment would be a great tool to learn and impliment.. for me personally, it didnt work, but from what i am reading here, i think it could be a wonderful way for you to take the focus away from HIM, away from you blaming yourself for a situation you are not to blame for and to get some perspective. Babysteps in taking control of your life, learn to accept that ok, your life is not how you planned and wanted it, but that it can still be wonderful. It is easier typed/said than done, believe me, I and all the others here KNOW what you are going through (in our varying shades of grey that is living with an addict).. lean on people here, find some face to face support, take control of the one thing you CAN... YOU and YOUR LIFE you can do this!

i came here with NO hope, i then got a tiny bit of hope and now, after some weeks, i have a bit of hope.. you can do that too

Fitchicky

Hi Confused.

I'm sorry that you are going through this: we have similar situations. Addicts/alcoholics want to be in an environment that is supportive of their using; they want to do it and don't want to feel bad about it. I won't turn a blind eye to my husbands drug use so he doesn't want to come home either.

He did suddenly announce that he wanted to come home and I refused to let him, but only because he has yet to apologize or say what steps he will take to change.

He once told me that he loved me a great deal but the drug abuse has nothing to do with me. They know they can't have both. So, they sometimes do what is easiest. Moving out, drowning feelings and guilt with substance and not facing the hard work and honesty it takes to get clean and live a better life. It's not you and he probably does love you a great deal; keep reminding yourself that you are not dealing with a rational person. Drugs and alcohol make them irrational and we (family/spouses) get sick and irrational along with them.

Butterfly

Just before he left he told me he didn't want to keep hurting me and that he was about to make another mistake then told me he had to leave again!! I agree it's easier to walk away than deal with the real issues and work hard to overcome them! It doesn't make it easier to understand for me it's simple if I was doing something that hurt the person I loved I would stop get help whatever I had to but I guess for an alcoholic it's different

I am not able to concentrate on anything I go to work and sit in my office and cry all day I don't think my team know what to do they certainly don't know what's going on. I'm trying to work today on a Sunday to take my mind of it all but I can't focus. I feel at times as though I am losing my mind!!!!

L0stH0pe

confused.. when i was in your position, about a week or so ago, somebody here recommended a different book/approach, maybe that is something that might help you? Get Your Loved One Sober Without Nagging

I have found it helpful... it does go on to explain how to take care of YOU, it gives the different options if your loved one decides against recovery and how you can move forward peacefully. Feel free to pm me if you want to know a bit more.

Butterfly

He's just been round talking about how he has thought about coming home but he needs time to sort himself out. He says he has been unhappy for awhile and won't really know whether he wants to drink until he moves into his own place as he can't drink when and how much he wants in his mums. He has said that he has thought about if he comes home he will rent his place out. He says he doesn't want to pick me up and put me down although he doesn't want to imagine life without me. Are these more lies and him trying to manipulate the situation??

L0stH0pe

oh hun... he really is playing every card in the deck isnt he? i can see your confusion and frustration and anger and hurt and where it stems from.. those kind of mindgames are cruel to say the least.

The only advice i can give you is to listen to YOURSELF, what is that little voice (yes, the one you tend to mistrust and ignore) telling you?

I dont know either of you, so i am basing my opinion by what you are writing here and somewhat based in my own experience. To me he sounds like a man who doesnt know himself WHAT he really wants, but he doesnt want to give up anything either.. he wants it all and he wants to keep a safe to place land should he need/want to.

Without knowing the dynamics of your marriage it is hard to say whether this is a new tactic he is employing to keep you confused or whether it is a pattern he has exploited for many years.

Saying that, you have the same thing on YOUR side that he has on his.. and that is TIME. You do not need to decide now, today, tomorrow or even next week or month what you want to do... you can take YOUR time to figure out what it is that YOU want. He is in a way giving you a gift, if you can detach and learn to use that gift productively you may just find that you have all your answers right there in front of you.

Is it possible for you to seek some counselling? I know over here it is virtually impossible as it is so expensive and i didnt find a fit for myself with the 12 step programs, but you may well find that you have a different experience and AlAnon/NarAnon maybe the support YOU need, to help you see more clearly what YOU want.. they will offer you more than just a sympathetic ear. Or, if you prefer, look at some secular meetings in your area, some may not advertise family support (like my AH's center doesnt advertise it but it is offered) but they may have programs in place that they can tell you about.

It is so hard when they play cat and mouse with us... hang in there, keep yourself as safe as you can from further emotional harm, be kind to yourself and keep telling yourself that it is within you to make it through this in a way that is good for YOU.

Butterfly

I so desperately want to believe him when he says he loves me and always will that for him there will never be anyone else and maybe it's true but there will always be something else alcohol. In my rare moments of clarity I accept this and accept that all he can see is how he wants to drink and in our marriage because of the issues it caused he felt he was restricted which led to his periods of binge drinking but in these moments of clarity I also accept that is no way for me to live and if he wants to ease my anxiety he needs to get help but that he is not ready for that and may never be. It is during these moments of clarity that I realise I have to let him go and sort this out for himself as I can't keep doing it or trying to do it for him. Only time will tell if he drinks as much as he wants when he has his new place or if he will finally admit he has a problem and realise just what alcohol has cost him. It is during these brief times that I acknowledge that I don't trust him and don't trust what he says to me. However it is the long periods of self doubt where I think if I didn't make an issue about his drinking if I sought help to manage my anxieties about his drinking then he wouldn't have left. If he loved as much as he says he does and I was good enough for him he would not have chosen to walk out. I also desperately want to believe him as I am scared of being unloved and unwanted!!

Unfortunately the long periods of self doubt outweigh the very short periods of clarity. Even my periods of anger are quickly replaced with I can be there for him help him through this and we will be ok he will come home. I feel quilts for my outbursts of anger and immediately regret what I have said. I constantly ask him to call round and spend time with me for fear that he will stop missing me, fall out of love with me and realise he can live without me. I am scared to live without him I don't know who I am without him and I don't know who I am with him? I am a rescuer in nature even my job is about rescuing people and supporting them through difficult times yet I can't take on the advice I give others and I do not know how to look after myself

KeepinItReal

I am a rescuer in nature even my job is about rescuing people and supporting them through difficult times yet I can't take on the advice I give others and I do not know how to look after myself

I heard someone say once - that therapists cannot perform therapy on themselves.
This sounds true.

I really hope that you can get the energy to start doing the work you know you need to do on yourself. Taking time, patience and being nice to yourself. Talking good things about yourself... to yourself. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

I have gotten through many feelings like this. The only things that really helped.... I was pregnant at the last time. I read, "happy and healthy pregnancy while single" and chicken noodle soup for the single parents soul. Really put things in perspective.

L0stH0pe

I think you are getting somewhere, slowly but surely.. you acknowledge that this is mainly about FEAR. Now that you have identified that, you can start working on it... i personally use the ABC method to address those kind of situations to explore how valid my fear and thinking actually is, where in reality i ground those fears, how likely those fears are to become reality etc.

I think it is human to fear being alone, but being alone is something very different to being lonely... are you mixing the two up? i sure know i did. My AH is practically the only real person i speak to, i have tons of online friends, but nobody other than AH and my mum (who lives in germany) and my kids to fall back on in real life.
Over the last couple of weeks i have become more at peace with being on my own, taking care of MYSELF and learning to get to know me. It is really scary at times, that little voice telling me what i "should" and "shouldnt" be feeling/thinking/doing etc. but it does become easier with practice.

I found that using my ABCs has helped me in lots of different situations, like getting to grips with my anxieties, my anger, not just with AH but also with the kids, the neighbours, myself... i am one angry charged duracel bunny i tell ya

I have also found that replacing some of the chatter in my head with some positive counter arguements have helped me gain some level of perspective and be calmer.. If you examine "who" it is that is "talking" to you, you can turn the thought pattern into a more positive, constructive one instead.
A lot of my negative thoughts either carry my mum's or my XH's voices, it took me a while to get to grips with this excercise, but my psychologist kept insisting on me telling her WHO i "heard" and yup, it is usually one of those two..

I know when we first arrive here at SR, we want that magic wand.. to make it all go away NOW.. and it took me a few weeks to learn that it will take time to rethink, to relearn.. it took me years to get to this point, it is going to take time to move on, it isnt an overnight process, although i have had quite a few "lightbulb" moments over the last few weeks and i can see the progress i am making.

Luckily, AH's treatment is working and my medication is working, so in a way life itself has slowed down.. i know its "fake" and if you took those things away from us, wed probably be right back at the start of the journey, but for now im trying to look at these things as helping us to straighten out our behaviours and thought processes so that when we finally do come off these aids, we will be equipped to deal with life.

Start with something tiny, then work your way to something bigger and before you know it, your confidence in yourself will have grown.