The things I wish I could say to my addict...
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 28
The things I wish I could say to my addict...
I love you. From the very depths of my soul. The peace you brought me, the rightness I felt while you were in recovery..While you were YOU. That man, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to go to sleep wrapped up in his arms and in his love every night and wake up to his love every morning.
But I don't think that's the most important thing for you to know. Because I know you never doubted how much I love you.
Life is hard. It is not kind. It doesn't cut us a break when we're emotionally exhausted. When we're broken down. Life keeps hammering at us. Pushing us. Prodding us. But if you look, life is still beautiful. There's something to look forward to every day. Something new, something different, something wonderful. But you have to be willing to fight. To push back when life is hard and seems ugly. And you have to choose to live.
We all fail. We all make the wrong choices. We all want to give up sometimes. Because giving up is easy. It doesn't hurt as much as facing our failures. And drowning the failure, the embarrassment, the hurt and pain we cause ourselves and the ones we love the most is easier than owning it. But in the end, you and everyone that loves you loses.
Here's the truth. You hadn't failed. You slipped up. You gave in to a temptation that you were not ready to handle. But you sobered up and felt like a failure. And it ate away at you everyday. But, I didn't see you as a failure. Your mom didn't see you as a failure. Your sponsor didnt see you as a failure. And we still hoped for you. But you gave up on yourself. You lost that fragile peace, lost everything you had worked towards. It was gone. Stolen by a handful of klonopin and a bottle of percocet. You didn't go to your meetings, you didn't call your sponsor, you didn't use the support of those who love you and wanted nothing but to see you better. You faded away and I felt you slip through my fingers a little more every day until you were gone. And I knew I had lost you as I cried in your arms that last night telling you how afraid I was for you because I knew in the pit of my stomach what was going on. But you lied to me and told me not to worry - that you were going to be ok. I already knew where your mind was that night, I knew the lie. I can read you as easily as you have been able to read me....like an open book - projected on the wall. I already knew you were lost.
I want you to know that I didn't betray the man that I love. He, I could never betray. I betrayed the addict...The man that embodies everything the man I'm in love with loathes. I am not the keeper of the addict's secrets. I do not protect the liar, the manipulator, the theif. And your actions, the actions of the addict you have become once again have created the situation you are in now. I hold no responsibility. The only responsibility I take is for loving you with all of my heart, for supporting you 100% during those months of recovery, and I take responsibility for my broken heart. Because I went all in on a wild card. But he was worth it. To feel that love and warmth. To know the incredible man you can be. There is no regret.
I keep going back in my mind to that trip to get your dad. If I had gone, if I had been there. If your mom hadn't trusted you so much. If she hadn't forgotten that underneath it all, the addict still lingered. And when you came home. When you sobered up. If I had held your hand, gone to your meetings with you like I had in the beginning. Stolen you away, kept you safe. Supported your fragile ego more as you battled the demon. But I can't let myself be responsible. I can't hold that on myself because it will break me that much more. And your recovery can only be yours.
Today and every day since this happened has been hard. It's been a struggle. I cry often, think about you constantly. And today...Today, I am weak. Today I want to run to you. To hold you. To tell you how much I love you. And beg. For forgiveness. For you to try again. But I know I will be running to the addict. I know I'll be begging forgiveness from a man that is incapable of loving me, let alone himself. And that forgiveness from the addict will be near impossible. But today, my love for you is forcing me to my knees.
I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss waking up and texting you first thing. I miss the way you hold me. I miss the way you love me. I miss watching you play water guns with my son, the way you engage with my daughter. I miss the way you baby talk your dogs. I miss talking to you, laughing with you. I miss... everything. And I will miss you for a very long time. You own my heart. In time, I know it will be returned to me - but there will always be a place that you are tucked inside of it. I'll never forget.
Grant me serenity to accept the things I can not change and the courage and strength to let you go.
But I don't think that's the most important thing for you to know. Because I know you never doubted how much I love you.
Life is hard. It is not kind. It doesn't cut us a break when we're emotionally exhausted. When we're broken down. Life keeps hammering at us. Pushing us. Prodding us. But if you look, life is still beautiful. There's something to look forward to every day. Something new, something different, something wonderful. But you have to be willing to fight. To push back when life is hard and seems ugly. And you have to choose to live.
We all fail. We all make the wrong choices. We all want to give up sometimes. Because giving up is easy. It doesn't hurt as much as facing our failures. And drowning the failure, the embarrassment, the hurt and pain we cause ourselves and the ones we love the most is easier than owning it. But in the end, you and everyone that loves you loses.
Here's the truth. You hadn't failed. You slipped up. You gave in to a temptation that you were not ready to handle. But you sobered up and felt like a failure. And it ate away at you everyday. But, I didn't see you as a failure. Your mom didn't see you as a failure. Your sponsor didnt see you as a failure. And we still hoped for you. But you gave up on yourself. You lost that fragile peace, lost everything you had worked towards. It was gone. Stolen by a handful of klonopin and a bottle of percocet. You didn't go to your meetings, you didn't call your sponsor, you didn't use the support of those who love you and wanted nothing but to see you better. You faded away and I felt you slip through my fingers a little more every day until you were gone. And I knew I had lost you as I cried in your arms that last night telling you how afraid I was for you because I knew in the pit of my stomach what was going on. But you lied to me and told me not to worry - that you were going to be ok. I already knew where your mind was that night, I knew the lie. I can read you as easily as you have been able to read me....like an open book - projected on the wall. I already knew you were lost.
I want you to know that I didn't betray the man that I love. He, I could never betray. I betrayed the addict...The man that embodies everything the man I'm in love with loathes. I am not the keeper of the addict's secrets. I do not protect the liar, the manipulator, the theif. And your actions, the actions of the addict you have become once again have created the situation you are in now. I hold no responsibility. The only responsibility I take is for loving you with all of my heart, for supporting you 100% during those months of recovery, and I take responsibility for my broken heart. Because I went all in on a wild card. But he was worth it. To feel that love and warmth. To know the incredible man you can be. There is no regret.
I keep going back in my mind to that trip to get your dad. If I had gone, if I had been there. If your mom hadn't trusted you so much. If she hadn't forgotten that underneath it all, the addict still lingered. And when you came home. When you sobered up. If I had held your hand, gone to your meetings with you like I had in the beginning. Stolen you away, kept you safe. Supported your fragile ego more as you battled the demon. But I can't let myself be responsible. I can't hold that on myself because it will break me that much more. And your recovery can only be yours.
Today and every day since this happened has been hard. It's been a struggle. I cry often, think about you constantly. And today...Today, I am weak. Today I want to run to you. To hold you. To tell you how much I love you. And beg. For forgiveness. For you to try again. But I know I will be running to the addict. I know I'll be begging forgiveness from a man that is incapable of loving me, let alone himself. And that forgiveness from the addict will be near impossible. But today, my love for you is forcing me to my knees.
I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss waking up and texting you first thing. I miss the way you hold me. I miss the way you love me. I miss watching you play water guns with my son, the way you engage with my daughter. I miss the way you baby talk your dogs. I miss talking to you, laughing with you. I miss... everything. And I will miss you for a very long time. You own my heart. In time, I know it will be returned to me - but there will always be a place that you are tucked inside of it. I'll never forget.
Grant me serenity to accept the things I can not change and the courage and strength to let you go.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Edenchai, those are beautiful words that describe your pain so eloquently. I am sorry you suffer, I am sorry he suffers, I am sorry addiction steals the very soul of those we love.
Hugs from my heart.
Hugs from my heart.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
So true, so tragic and heartbreaking. I share your pain and regret edenchai. I was once there - many years ago - and still keep the pain locked inside. Prayers for you to be comforted.
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