Lily1918

AH ha been caught using. (sigh) of course. I just want to get this off my chest.

I expected it. His mother has been putting money on secretly. Well, I was going to visit and the prison told me his visits are suspended 30 days for a presumptive positive UA, but it won't be a confirmed positive until the end of April.

I am so glad I have not ever put money on the phones. I don't want to talk to him. This all happened two days after phones were approved. Coincidence? no... my HP is just awesome like that. lol

Well AH does not know yet that I know... he has tried calling 4 times. I have not answered. I did sent a curt angry letter saying "damn it! how could you lose visits!" and that's it, like 2 sentences.

He lost visits because he used. That's what addicts do.

a part of me expected it. He seems to have a cycle of about 6 months or so...

I have mixed emotions about him being in there... I've posted that before with disastrous results... not going there again...

But I will say that I hate addiction. I hate codependency more... I feel being an active Codie I worse than being an active addict. There's nothing to numb Codie symptoms and it sucks!

I'm so thankful for this place! My sponsor was saddened with today's news, and took me to coffee, but it's late now and I'm home alone and the sting ha returned.

I do believe that God is all powerful. I'm not so sure if addiction is sin, or disease or some grotesque hybrid of both. If it is a disease then it must be a disease of the will. (sigh)

I found myself planning his funeral so I came here to try to clear my head.
He's just not done, and that makes him a dead man walking anyway. The Cartel control the Dope out here. They don't mess around. If he uses inside it is a when not an if. He knows that. He knows how the gangs are out here... They will front him until he owes them enough to kill him. -_- especially being white and especially with the war goin on right now. a lifer will do it. no skin off his nose. The DOC knows that and has transferred him.

something else I hate about being a double winner... is knowing the danger... more than fearing it....

I am angry in general at the gang activity in my town overall. They killed a police officer last month! Selfish and evil men gangbangers are...

Vale

I'm sorry, Lily.
We have all given ENOUGH time, attention, and
care to this awful thing.

Ann

I'm sorry too, Lily. When I speak of the times of my son's addiction and my codependency together, those were truly the darkest days of my life, so dark I felt myself sinking and wasn't sure if I could actually crawl out of that dark place. When my son connected with all the "wrong people", I knew I had to escape to the shadows lest they use me to get to him. I don't use any social networking like Facebook, or anything else that would make me easily traceable. That's a sad thing for anyone who had absolutely nothing to do with the bad choices of my son.

Thanks to my 12-step support groups I found help, I found my balance again and I was able to accept what no mother should ever have to accept...my son is an active addict living the life that goes with it and there is not one thing on earth I can do to stop it.

So I work my program and say my prayers several times a day. That keeps me sane, that helps me embrace all the beautiful things in life and that helps me stay out of that dark place where I once lived.

Prayers out for you too. I hope you can find some live support for yourself as well as here at SR. It's difficult to overcome our personal emotional pain but it is also important to keep ourselves safe.

Hugs

greeteachday

I'm sorry, Lily. I guess the one positive in his current mess is that you don't have to be in the front row watching. I hope you can take the time now to work on ways not to "future trip." There are so many things that can happen, but I've found that spending time focusing on all the bad things that could happen does nothing to prevent it from happening and lots to keep me from enjoying the life that really is...now.

KeepinItReal

I'm sorry Lilly. I know the feeling of devastation. I hope you find peace and understanding. I would be crushed too. It's okay to mourn his failure. It's okay to cry and be sad and it's okay to not feel happy or good.
Good going on not back sad information or belittling him. That was great control on your part. As you know, us addicts are our own worst enemy. Ppeople putting us down only confirmation are darkest thoughts about ourselves. Of course untrue as we were created beautifully and all have the power to live for goodness. Sometimes we should give ourselves credit for having to try harder.
It's not easy.
Time may not heal all wounds but it let's us build bridges sway from the pain and only visiting it when we choose.