jzeb2008

Not that anything will change my mind about my decision to divorce my addict husband at this point, not even sobriety, but I sometimes wonder if he even cares that he has lost everything. Maybe he's not at the point of(or can't)feeling anything yet; it is just entirely my fault, I became his enemy, didn't try and he's angry. I hear so much about people in these situations where the addict begs and pleads and spends months or even years trying to manipulate the person not to leave. That was my father. I always thought that would be my husband, as well. He just seems to have went on with his life as usual. Anyone experience this? As if the person had secretly wanted to be free for years contrary to claims that they didn't.

CodeJob

Well, my RAH put alcohol first. So if your H left without looking back, he was following his top priority. In the past I would imagine some kind of reckoning. A final scene where karma bus rolled thru and all my cajoling and truth was lit up on a marquee. I was right. But now I see I really feel superior to my RAH and that is my drug of choice. Pretty much makes me feel yuck to think I wanted to be right. I wanted to get the medal for sticking it out. So there's plenty of reflection just on my side of this relationship. I try to take RAH on his word and not read too far into his behaviors.

Lily1918

maybe... just maybe... he is thinking similar to how my "friend" T thought.

you see T loved His wife they were married at 18, together 10 years, married 7. She stood by him episode after episode, rehab after rehab... until finally one day.... he asked her for a divorce. He went no contact from her just like that, and asked me and AH to as well. You see... he really did learn about addiction and codependency all those times in treatment and he didn't want to hurt her anymore... but he didn't want to stop using. He has since had a string of using girlfriends since the divorce, but he only ever spoke of his ex wife.

I haven't spoken to him since January when I cut him out of my life for my own recovery. He respected that. We parted on good terms. He told me he would see me in heaven if Jesus really would let him in... and galloped off into the sunset with dreams of using...

you ever seen the dark knight? "some men just want to watch the world burn" To me... that's an addict that hangs on to their Codie's and drags them with manipulation, but an addict that let's go is rare in my opinion... and a kind one...

I do agree it still means that using is top priority... that's true without a doubt.
just my jaded thoughts.
hugs.

Bernadette777

Jzeb,

I have felt that feeling. My exAbf - he and I never had a fight, he just stopped returning my texts - it's funny.., on the last date (we went out for about a year) we were planning our next date to the same restaurant for dinner. He wanted us to go back the following weekend... I just got a thought that I hadn't in the past year- of me putting my heart back together.. Maybe he let go of me because he couldn't see me in his category of partying & using. He let me go to protect me from himself, his friends & his choice of lifestyle. Maybe he did love me after all! But in the end the alcohol & drugs are his first love. So... We must move on & heal our hearts. Another day to heal & grow to our full potential .
((((Hugs to you)))) Bernadette777

Fitchicky

I know him not showing any remorse for something/someone that matters which is
Lost and ruined by addiction. My husband has disappeared for days, no remorse; pawned out things; no remorse; ruined our marriage and let down the kids; no remorse. The drugs make them not care. Crack is like a feel good supplement for all of those things on life that make nonusers organically feel good. Family, children, a promotion at work, good friends. So when he thinks about anything that makes him feel guilty or bad he just uses. No problem. He's not living in the same world as you and I, dealing with emotions; hurt, loss, disappointment and fear. Drugs cover that up. I believe that my husband left because he was ashamed and guilty and I was a constant reminder that he was doing the wrong thing. He couldn't even look at me. Don't feel like he doesn't care for you, drugs cover the bad feelings up.

story74

I have seen this question posted so many times. It is so baffling isn't it? Try explaining to your 5 year old that drugs are more important to daddy than us. How is he suppose to understand if we don't. I don't think I will ever understand.

My husband abandoned us. He cheated. I begged and begged him back. We had been together for 16 years. He ignored and ignored me. Finally, he disappeared. I was broken hearted. Still am to a certain extent. Don't ever see me with another man ever again. But, never say never.

He actually moved without telling me. And, a year later, my curiosity got the best of me and I went internet surfing...looking for clues. I will NEVER do this again! His FB page had him and his *****. His *****'s page had all these traveling stories they shared together (with our old friends). I was shocked, hurt and angry. Then, I became depressed for a bit. Here I was struggling to make ends meet and being a single mom. All by myself. And he was EXACTLY where he was when he abandoned me...partying it up and having a great old time. Like he was single. I was angry. I still am angry, but it isn't making me bitter. I like my life now. Things happen for a reason. I just mourn for a family. After everything he has done to my son, he isn't worth it.

I think the hardest part is to let go and focus on you. Who cares what they are doing. Who cares if they are happy. And, to be honest, who really is happy being an addict. Who really is happy failing as a father. Failing as a father? Lying? Stealing? Cheating? Not that this makes me feel any better, but they have to feel something right? The anger from the addict? Oh, I got the anger. EVERYTHING was and probably still is my fault. The divorce was my fault. I remember him saying, "your the one who filed for divorce." Um, yea, I did. You are the one snorting coke, living with another woman and not responding to me by any means of communication. Yea, I'm a jerk. His not seeing his son is my fault. I am basically an evil woman. This is them twisting it so they do not have to own up to what they have really done. And it works for awhile. Then, we start to catch on. You see, we are use to rational people. They are not. The very few times I had conversations with my X I was always so drained after the conversation. It was always a war. He would never listen and always blame. There was no compromise. It was always his way, no apologies and ALWAYS my fault. He never took responsibility for anything. And, he NEVER admitted to drugs. He was "sober". HA HA! He was always playing games. But, I digress. The point is, an addict is hard to trust until they recover. Truly and utterly recover. When they recover, you will be able to have a normal conversation with them. To trust them again. Long road.

Addiction is so hard to understand. How can something be that powerful? In fact, my first post I think was titled, "Is cocaine REALLY that powerful?" Yes, it is. My husband left his family and his 2 year old son. He left us to starve. Seriously. He didn't care. Our family has been torn a part. We are living proof. Drugs destroy. In fact, I remember talking to a cop that lived next door when all this blew up. He told me he has seen it all happen. And, I couldn't even relate. I still can't. I look at my son and I can't imagine giving him up. Our relationship wasn't that bad. We could've made it work. If anything, for our son. I was willing to bend over backwards for our family to stay together. But, it is for the best. He doesn't understand what a family is. Partying and being free is what he needed. he couldn't handle it. I always told him, he never knew when to stop.

Try to focus on you and your family. Don't worry about him and his feelings. It really doesn't matter. YOU have to get healthy.

And fitchicky hit it on the nose. I feel the exact same way. It is so true.

terryr97

Five mouths ago my exAbf got busted and entered rehab. Other than 2 letters he sent me when he started there, he won't talk to me, has blocked me on Facebook and told me I wanted him to relapse all those times to feel superior. Yeah, I who took him to meetings and lost my mind from the stress of his relapsing while I went to school, feeling used and abused all the time, I wanted that. So he's doing great in rehab, still talks to all our old friends in recovery while I'm left trying to figure out how someone could have loved me so much and now that everything is going better, want nothing to do with me. This was supposed to be the prize of sticking it out through the garbage. And everyday I'm left being resentful that he's happy, joyous and free, like I was before I met him, and I'm miserable, like he was before he met me. Awesome. I know I'm better off without him and can never trust him again, it's just how could he have said he loved me all that time and now that he can finally rebuild that trust, he is with everyone except me. Yup, angry and bitteri am. I'm got to graduate college next month, my dream for 30 years, and I let his addiction make my going to school a nightmare and don't even care anymore. So, yes, I know what you're saying. Ah well, such is life.

Yogagurl

IMHO, I don't think that someone who has abused drugs for a lengthy amount of time can begin to feel remorse until that person has been sober long enough to begin to restore a chemical balance. This is my rationale: drugs destroy grey matter. They destroy the brain. All the neurotransmitters and synapses and all those things that cause you're emotions to be reflective of what is happening in your external environment don't function properly. So, in order for balance to be restored to the brain, one will have to abstain from drugs long enough for this to happen. Usually, a program is used for someone who abuses drug to be successful in abstaining. 12 step program encourage you to make peace with those you have hurt along the pAth of addiction and also to make peace with yourself. I am only speaking from my own personal experience, but I can only make peace with myself by forgiving myself for whatever wrong I have done onto someone else. So, you have balance of emotions restored to the addict and then the addict makes peace. I don't believe the codependent ever really gets the attention, remorse, or "karmic equivalent" of what the codependent has put forth into the relationship with their addict. I think it is so unfortunate that codies suffer this but it's part of the fact that drugs destroy souls; it is up to the codependent to grow and walk away with the boundaries necessary to prevent that kind of relationship to form in the future.

atalose

I think in my situation when he was faced with the decision to go to rehab or the 13 year relationship was over – he did the typical addict ambivalence dance – I love you don’t go – I pick drugs – Just stay and we’ll get through this – wanting both worlds at the same time.

Then the emotional ambivalence along with the erratic behavior began – I love begging me to stay then 10 seconds later I hate you just get out and I never want to see you ever again.

Because of that erratic behavior I obtained a restraining order, I moved in with my aging parents and they certainly did not need that and neither did I.

He has respected that order, not sure if he’s just afraid of going to jail or that he realizes it’s not right to do that to me any further – the loving thing is just to go away and leave me in peace. That is how I wish to look at it.

Do I feel he has remorse, yes do I feel that remorse fuels his need to continue using drugs – yes.

Do I think that one day I will ever hear from him, hear him say how sorry he is that things turned out the way they did………not unless he gets lots and lots of clean time.

Sadly I don’t see recovery in the cards for him, at least not any time soon.
For me it’s been almost a year of no contact and I’ve had my own ups and downs with emotions and I’m just riding that wave allowing myself to feel what I feel and move through it.

KeepinItReal

atalose - Do I feel he has remorse, yes do I feel that remorse fuels his need to continue using drugs – yes.

Any reason your X could find to keep using... he will use to keep using. They use even when they run out of excuses.

edenchai

I don't think some or even most active users are capable of looking back., once they've made a decision like that. I think that if something or someone is in the way of their drug use, there comes a point that they will just walk away if the pressure and demand for sobriety pushes too hard...or if you don't just accept their drug use.
When my addict relapsed and almost as soon as I found out, I was cut out. At first he tried to hide his use, but that was near impossible...and when I called him out and told him he's a liar, he stormed off and cut me off and did NOT look back. Not until I came to return his things and he was sober.
I don't bend for my addict. I don't give in to his demands or turn a blind eye to his usage, and I sure as hell don't keep my mouth shut. I laughed in his face when he asked me if I'd let him take one Adderall a day, if it was orally and I held on to them. I don't make high comfortable nor do I make it easy for him so he would prefer to just not have me around.

Don't take it personally. It's not about you, it's about them.

atalose

OH yes never get in between the addict and his DOC he will chose his DOC every time. I think my ex was on the fence for a long long time. Going back to meetings, talking with his sponsor, getting rid of all his pills. I can’t tell you how many times he would come home from the pharmacy filled with guilt, show me the pills then dump them down the toilet. I wasn’t stupid he usually had more hidden but that’s where his mind set was at for a long period of time. Then all of that was gone and his life became:

Taking pills, counting pills, trying to get more pills, calling doctors calling pharmacies , taking pills, counting pills, trying to get more pills…….it went on and on all day long every day.

"The thing about addiction is.....it never ends well. Because eventually what ever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good and starts to hurt. Still they say you don't kick the habit until you've hit rock bottom....but how do you know when your there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse. "………Grey’s Anatomy

incitingsilence

As one looks at them and ponders what they think … I can’t help but think while living or at least in contact with love ones there is no way they can escape their addiction because it is a constant focus. It is always in their face.

And even after the split … Maybe the question that also should be asked is if the addiction , if the addict is still a constant thought in your head now removed from it.

I found removing the distraction of everyone so focused on me actually made it harder to avoid the obvious. You will try to find someone to blame, someone to be the fuel you need but it isn’t so easy anymore and you are stuck more and more with having to look at yourself and the choices you made. Surely the drugs work nicely to take that away but it does come back in fleeting glances inescapable and that past, the regret can be the fuel you need to drive the next hit.

No one ever talks about collection day and no one escapes it, no matter the side.
Everyday is collection day.
Everyday the past is present and some more is piled on to the ever growing list of missed moments, missed chances, regrets …
Everyday is just another step closer to the next ladder rung down … another compromise, another round of lies, deceit, manipulation and not just to others but in your own head as well.
Everyday is either one day closer to death or life … depending on the view one will find promise in that or devastation.

Vale

Everyday is collection day




.......incitingsilence brings us a great truth.