Breaking Point!!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by Confused39 
Hi I can relate to everything your saying I am going through the exact same at the minute my husband walked out just over 3 weeks ago saying he wanted to be on his own to do what he wants when he wants. We would be married 17 yrs in June. He has had little contact with me or the kids. I feel your pain big hugs. I understand your anger and I am sure you are feeling very hurt and let down. I have learned mostly through the support from others on this site that those with addictions do not think about others and will let nothing get in their way if they want to drink or take drugs I know this is hard to hear but only he can make the choice to stop and seek serious help. No matter what you say or do you can't help him he has to do this himself! What you need to do is ensure that financially you and your children are safe and secure and I don't want to come across as mean but if he's selling your goods and spending money you have to make sure he's not spending yours. Get your own bank account and speak to a solicitor. Make it clear to him that you will no longer accept his behaviour and if he wants to come home he has to stop misusing and seek help. and stand by your decision he needs to know that you mean it this time. Stop buying him food and looking after him I know that's hard but your enabling him to continue his behaviour and he knows that you will always look after him regardless of what he does. I used to threaten my husband with leaving or throwing him out all the time unless he stopped drinking. I always took him back after he promised me he would change get help and never drink again Look after yourself and take all the support from friends and family you can. Also use this site it has been great for me and I like you am only starting my recovery. This is not your fault this is all down to him he needs to take responsibility for what he has done to you and your kids but please understand he may not. Look after yourself do things for yourself and your kids and arm yourself with knowledge and information about addiction there are good posts on this site and a good one about the role we play within addiction, the rescuer the enabler or the provoker this was really insightful for me and helped me realise I was all three at times. Take care and stay strong
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I used to buy my son groceries and my son would sell them for dope money, or he would spend his grocery money on drugs since I already stocked him up. Giving my son money for anything was just buying his dope, so I finally got wise and stopped.
He doesn't get to call the shots on what is right for you and your children, unless you let him and I am glad you had the courage to tell him that.
You cannot depend on him to give you anything, sadly it's how it is with active addiction. I hope you have family that can help you until you can figure a way out to take care of yourself.
It must be really hard for you to go through this, I hope your life gets a little better and easier soon. Prayers out for you and your children.
Hugs
He doesn't get to call the shots on what is right for you and your children, unless you let him and I am glad you had the courage to tell him that.
You cannot depend on him to give you anything, sadly it's how it is with active addiction. I hope you have family that can help you until you can figure a way out to take care of yourself.
It must be really hard for you to go through this, I hope your life gets a little better and easier soon. Prayers out for you and your children.
Hugs
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi fitchicky. You are welcome and thank you for your offer of support. Give yourself time to understand this condition I still struggle with understanding how he could leave just so he could drink. I don't know if I will ever understand but I need to focus on me and my kids. Give it time. Look at how far I've come in a short period of time your sleeping and eating better. Keep looking at the small steps.
Take care
Take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Well- I didn't stick to the 1st rule of breaking the cycle of codependency and disengaging and I was sorry for it last night. I was completely irrational and responsive to his head games. He took the kids to a movie and later texted me at 11:30, that I must have some man coming up to sleep with me because I'm not letting him just move back in. I tried to text him back but in a passive aggressive move, he sent that hurtful message and then blocked me from calling him to defend myself. What happens to me? He gets me so angry and anxious... I ended up calling his mothers house at midnight just to tell him to go to hell. Where he responded that I woke him up and he doesn't have time for my emotional ********. He gets me angry and upset and then shuts me down that he doesn't have time to hear it and I'm being crazy. Is this someway to break me done as a person? I totally responded to it and took the bait!! What's wrong with me that I can't just say to myself "he's not worth it" and get a good nights sleep? Is this part of the master plan of manipulation? I'm so frustrated and confused.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
urgh been there, done that, watched the movie chicky.. it isnt until YOU are ready to just let it be. I got to a point where i had to get my psychiatrist tell me that "no youre not insane"..
i got around it by taking my time to read/answer his messages.. when AH left us back in january, it was the first time EVER that i turned my phone off as soon as he walked out the door! It was agony and i kept going back to it to turn it back on, but i used every distraction technique i could find to keep away from turning on that cell and being lured in. It was a first ... for me AND him... he came by the next day and asked politely if it was ok to collect some clothes, i said "of course" and handed him a ready packed bag and didnt invite him in or make any move.. believe me, it nearly killed me.. he was stood in the pouring rain, he was quite clearly on a come down, but i just couldnt.do.it.anymore.
Later that day he texted again several times, going from being all lovey to being mean to begging to demanding, but as my cell was off, they all showed as "not delivered" on his end. Then i got a text message from my MIL, who lives 180 miles away, being nasty asking what was so horrible THIS time that they had to come get their son from the streets... i just texted her back, ask your son, he left us two days ago. That was the turning point for us, AH had NEVER seen me not react, not take the bait, not play HIS game by HIS rules, all of a sudden *I* was making up the rules and he didnt like them.
He went so far as to say he spoke to a marriage counsellor and was told that "separation was the worst thing for us" to which i said, well YOU walked, not me, not the kids.. YOU. This one is on YOU to fix and i hung up.
Within a week, his mother couldnt cope with him, she figured that i hadnt lied about his use, that he was using her and she basically said she was turfing him out. He asked to come back "home" and i said.. well what is going to change IF i let you come back? And he said, you can sit right there with me while i get myself into a rehab. I agreed that he could come in the morning first thing when the kids were at school and that i would let him in provided that call was made... he made it, he went to the center and got put on sub. I am not entirely happy with the resolution, but its a compromise.
Now, believe me, when i say "if i can do it, you can do it" you totally can.. i played his game for our entire marriage, it took for me to feel completely insane and out of control to get that last bit of strength.
I was told by my sons' paediatrician once that i didnt have to make snap decisions about punishments/consequences of their behaviours, that i could just tell them "i am upset about this, i will have to think about the consequence this will have, i will get back to you when i have had time to think".. and thats how i handled AH, i basically reduced him to that level, so that i could wrap my head around what *I* needed/wanted.
Just be kind to yourself, take it easy, keep busy if you feel that helps (it does for me).. but remember YOU also get to dictate the shots, not just him. Right now, YOU are in the stronger position as YOU and your kids are in YOUR home, so it is all YOUR choice what happens next. Girl power
i got around it by taking my time to read/answer his messages.. when AH left us back in january, it was the first time EVER that i turned my phone off as soon as he walked out the door! It was agony and i kept going back to it to turn it back on, but i used every distraction technique i could find to keep away from turning on that cell and being lured in. It was a first ... for me AND him... he came by the next day and asked politely if it was ok to collect some clothes, i said "of course" and handed him a ready packed bag and didnt invite him in or make any move.. believe me, it nearly killed me.. he was stood in the pouring rain, he was quite clearly on a come down, but i just couldnt.do.it.anymore.
Later that day he texted again several times, going from being all lovey to being mean to begging to demanding, but as my cell was off, they all showed as "not delivered" on his end. Then i got a text message from my MIL, who lives 180 miles away, being nasty asking what was so horrible THIS time that they had to come get their son from the streets... i just texted her back, ask your son, he left us two days ago. That was the turning point for us, AH had NEVER seen me not react, not take the bait, not play HIS game by HIS rules, all of a sudden *I* was making up the rules and he didnt like them.
He went so far as to say he spoke to a marriage counsellor and was told that "separation was the worst thing for us" to which i said, well YOU walked, not me, not the kids.. YOU. This one is on YOU to fix and i hung up.
Within a week, his mother couldnt cope with him, she figured that i hadnt lied about his use, that he was using her and she basically said she was turfing him out. He asked to come back "home" and i said.. well what is going to change IF i let you come back? And he said, you can sit right there with me while i get myself into a rehab. I agreed that he could come in the morning first thing when the kids were at school and that i would let him in provided that call was made... he made it, he went to the center and got put on sub. I am not entirely happy with the resolution, but its a compromise.
Now, believe me, when i say "if i can do it, you can do it" you totally can.. i played his game for our entire marriage, it took for me to feel completely insane and out of control to get that last bit of strength.
I was told by my sons' paediatrician once that i didnt have to make snap decisions about punishments/consequences of their behaviours, that i could just tell them "i am upset about this, i will have to think about the consequence this will have, i will get back to you when i have had time to think".. and thats how i handled AH, i basically reduced him to that level, so that i could wrap my head around what *I* needed/wanted.
Just be kind to yourself, take it easy, keep busy if you feel that helps (it does for me).. but remember YOU also get to dictate the shots, not just him. Right now, YOU are in the stronger position as YOU and your kids are in YOUR home, so it is all YOUR choice what happens next. Girl power
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
I do feel insane and I need another sane person to verify that. What have I become? I've never let anyone make me this unsure ans insecure before, my husband must be a master at it. He's looked me in the eye, crying and saying he couldn't believe that I would accuse him of smoking crack after he's been sober and trying so hard. I actually felt terrible and believed him; I APOLOGIZED... And later found that my instincts were right. It makes me feel icky to think about anything else he may be lying about.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
Yup been there done that too.... It's what happens I'm afraid... I too struggle with what else he's lied about but I guess I'm never really going to find out. I don't know what else I can say other than I'm pretty certain you're as sane as I am ..
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 53
Is this typical: I want to come back but I want full control and i won't admit any wrongdoing or apologize. He says the reason were not together is because of me. Wow.[/QUOTE]
That is the same thing that bothers me the most the mind games they never stop!! They want control but they cant even control themselves !! I feel the same way thinking that my H would grab me and say its going to be ok I will fix this and I am sorry for all of it!!! We deserve that!!! I been waiting for it all along and still am!! .. Its almost like they want to push you away and the name calling (ahhhh)... All same stuff on my end ..This is a typical statement from an active addict well at least on my end .. And same boat with the Mothers too!!!! If my son did some of the things your saying or what my husband said and has done i would tell him!!! Not pat him tell him its ok ..!? I understand how you feel
That is the same thing that bothers me the most the mind games they never stop!! They want control but they cant even control themselves !! I feel the same way thinking that my H would grab me and say its going to be ok I will fix this and I am sorry for all of it!!! We deserve that!!! I been waiting for it all along and still am!! .. Its almost like they want to push you away and the name calling (ahhhh)... All same stuff on my end ..This is a typical statement from an active addict well at least on my end .. And same boat with the Mothers too!!!! If my son did some of the things your saying or what my husband said and has done i would tell him!!! Not pat him tell him its ok ..!? I understand how you feel
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
So- my AH asked me if we could talk (after a month) this past Sunday after he got off of work; I said ok. He sent me a text later (6pm) to say that he was too tired and just wanted to go to his moms and take a shower and go to bed. He wanted to reschedule for Monday (yesterday). I didn't hear from him all day; I assumed that he was busy at work. At 7pm, almost bedtime for my family, I sent him a text asking what happened to is talking... He said he was waiting for me to text him... What? I told him I thought he was working and didn't want to bother I'm at work, he then Said he hadn't worked all day. What? So this arrangement of trying to talk about things ended up being a game of who texts who first? I told him it was too late in the evening to talk. He asked me about tomorrow night (this would be attempt 3) keep in mind that I have the kids with ME. I'm the one with schedule difficulties. I told him I wasn't going to keep playing games and let me know when he REALLY wanted to talk about things and could provide a plan for recovery and sobriety.
I fell asleep at 9pm. He proceeded to text that he saw me cheating on him, he hates me, he's gonna take everything from the house and burn it...it went on and on... What IS THIS? why? Be so mean?!
I fell asleep at 9pm. He proceeded to text that he saw me cheating on him, he hates me, he's gonna take everything from the house and burn it...it went on and on... What IS THIS? why? Be so mean?!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
The ride stops when you get off. As long as you keep engaging with him, the ride will continue. Please take a look at your old posts. He has threatened to shoot you, stomped on your head, destroyed your property. Looking at his past behavior, there is every reason to believe that he is not going to behave nicely. I hope you can find a way to disengage and find some peace for yourself and your children.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
What are you getting out of this relationship? Anything at all aside from pain, heartache, confusion and insanity ...
Yes the ride, well should stop, when you get off. Problem is just cause you opt out, doesn't mean he won’t be relentless and keep at it. So somewhere in this you are going to have to find firm boundaries to keep you safe, peaceful and sane that you won’t break.
Any threat I would take seriously because you do yourself a disservice if you don’t. Addicts can be unpredictable using or not. Pissed off addicts, even more so … and paranoid ones cause he sounds like he has that going on for him too, even worse.
And why not be mean, you allowed him to treat you as he does. He can get away with it and make you think you are the crazy one and as long as he has you questioning yourself and actively participating well why should he stop. Surely he gets something out of it as well, even if he is incapable of any rational thought. People can really go crazy in this if they stay and keep taking and taking, become prone to debilitating anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts …
No one can save you but you…
And your children really need to you to do just that, for their best chance.
Take care and be safe.
Yes the ride, well should stop, when you get off. Problem is just cause you opt out, doesn't mean he won’t be relentless and keep at it. So somewhere in this you are going to have to find firm boundaries to keep you safe, peaceful and sane that you won’t break.
Any threat I would take seriously because you do yourself a disservice if you don’t. Addicts can be unpredictable using or not. Pissed off addicts, even more so … and paranoid ones cause he sounds like he has that going on for him too, even worse.
And why not be mean, you allowed him to treat you as he does. He can get away with it and make you think you are the crazy one and as long as he has you questioning yourself and actively participating well why should he stop. Surely he gets something out of it as well, even if he is incapable of any rational thought. People can really go crazy in this if they stay and keep taking and taking, become prone to debilitating anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts …
No one can save you but you…
And your children really need to you to do just that, for their best chance.
Take care and be safe.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
It's common for crack addicts to be paranoid and delusional. You know he's still using. You would be surprised how skillful an addict is to get money and drugs. Bring text messages to police and ask them to watch him. Best place to really sober up is jail. In my opinion. My husband always reached out for help once they locked him up....and he had .... Nothing.
Again... It's just my opinion. But don't put it past him to do something psychotic. He is a crack addict. The drugs take over. Make people really nuts!
Again... It's just my opinion. But don't put it past him to do something psychotic. He is a crack addict. The drugs take over. Make people really nuts!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Dear person who loves and is married to a crack addict,
I'm sorry you have to endure the absolute chaos of being in a relationship with or knowing a crack cocaine addict. The absolute only way to avoid being directly in the tornado of his life I to get out of it. And as physically far away a possible. A crack addict has no objective in life except to acquire and use crack. Anything that you say or do to try to prohibit them from using will be used against you: name calling, blaming, abuse, and day on end without contact. The sooner you learn there is no place for you in his life (unless you start selling crack) the sooner you can begin to restore your sanity. I have spent countless days and nights with a husband completely geeked out and in an acute state of psychosis. I took money, keys, tried half way houses, and physically uprooted us from our hometown. Six months into a seemingly good move, a cocaine dealer my husband knows moves in three miles up the road. Guess who's keeping me up at night all over again? Add in the false promises, the lies, and the plan for an escape; it's deja vu. Nothing you can do will help your husband except to leave. I hope you are stronger than me.
I'm sorry you have to endure the absolute chaos of being in a relationship with or knowing a crack cocaine addict. The absolute only way to avoid being directly in the tornado of his life I to get out of it. And as physically far away a possible. A crack addict has no objective in life except to acquire and use crack. Anything that you say or do to try to prohibit them from using will be used against you: name calling, blaming, abuse, and day on end without contact. The sooner you learn there is no place for you in his life (unless you start selling crack) the sooner you can begin to restore your sanity. I have spent countless days and nights with a husband completely geeked out and in an acute state of psychosis. I took money, keys, tried half way houses, and physically uprooted us from our hometown. Six months into a seemingly good move, a cocaine dealer my husband knows moves in three miles up the road. Guess who's keeping me up at night all over again? Add in the false promises, the lies, and the plan for an escape; it's deja vu. Nothing you can do will help your husband except to leave. I hope you are stronger than me.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Originally Posted by KeepinItReal
It's common for crack addicts to be paranoid and delusional. You know he's still using. You would be surprised how skillful an addict is to get money and drugs. Bring text messages to police and ask them to watch him. Best place to really sober up is jail. In my opinion. My husband always reached out for help once they locked him up....and he had .... Nothing.
Again... It's just my opinion. But don't put it past him to do something psychotic. He is a crack addict. The drugs take over. Make people really nuts!
Again... It's just my opinion. But don't put it past him to do something psychotic. He is a crack addict. The drugs take over. Make people really nuts!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 53
I have heard the same things you are hearing !!! He is just saying that omg its so crazy that no matter what they are using they try to blame us for it all and play games like that .. His mind is not of this earth anymore just like my husbands mind .. Im telling you same exact thing gets said to me and sooooo many other wives like us who try to help ... I hope you can find piece of mind .. We are the ones with the minds not them they lost it completely ..
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
I had sense of closure about 30 minutes ago. I went to his job site, where he works alone(without notice) to get some money for his phone bill; which I still pay.... And when he opened the door I noticed that his mouth was so dry that his upper lip seemed to disappear and he couldn't close his lips over his teeth. Yikes... His eyes were also glassy and red and he couldn't look me directly in the eye. Instead he acted nervous... When I asked him if he was high, he said "of course not" when I asked about the severe dry mouth, he said it just happens to people sometimes... I don't think so. What I DID discover is that I, now, believe ME and I believe what I see and he wasn't able to make me doubt my logical and sober assessment of what I witnessed. It only took 5 weeks for me to gain back my sanity and start believing my own eyes again! Wow... What a great feeling!!!! Do people just randomly get that level of dry mouth? I've never heard of it...
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