I have to let go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 28
I have to let go
Hi, I'm new to the forum, but after the insanity of the past few weeks really needed to find people who could identify with what I've been through and what I'm going through.
I fell in love with an addict. Having been a recreational partier long ago with a slew of addict boyfriends, I knew the signs the first night we met. There was just something there. He's not the type that you would see walking down the street and you'd say Oh! He's an addict. But I had been around the life long enough. Over the course of our first date, he was very "honest". Said he'd been clean for a few years, was honest that he had a record but hadn't been in trouble with the law since he'd been clean, etc. I left our date that night disappointed because there was a connection but I didn't know if I was willing to take on his past. We had a conversation the next day and I decided to give him a chance. People recover, people choose to get better, and I can't hold his past against him.
Things were great for a bit...then started going south. He was paranoid about my faithfulness, accusational, argumentative... and the truth came out. He was still an addict, though at that point he said just adderall. But that he wanted to get clean. So I stayed. And the insanity ensued. He ended up trying to go cold turkey...got on suboxone, ended up on klonopin, shot up adderall in my apartment with my youngest sleeping in the next room, meth, a little heroin... we broke up, he raged at me daily, still accused me of cheating on him, of being crazy, of being evil and I fought back because I am nothing if not a fighter and he made me rage and it felt good. Things calmed down and I offered friendship and he took it, and then it all hit the fan and he went to detox.
He got out and I stayed. And things were wonderful and I fell more in love with the man than I thought possible. But after 20 years of addiction, he struggled with a lack of motivation, no energy, and he hated it. But he was going to NA, started working steps with a sponsor and I was so very proud of him and even if he wasn't totally accepting of his limitations, he was overall happy. But he went to pick up his ill dad one weekend and found klonopin and he lapsed. Binged for 2 days. Sobered up and had destroyed all the work he done, the fragile peace he had begun to find. He lost himself and has now given up on himself and his recovery.
I know that I can't change things. I know that no amount of crying, begging, pleading, arguing, or anything else will stop him from choosing this path. The addict is back. The liar, manipulator, thief. And to protect myself and my kids, who have also fallen in love with him, I have to let him go. Truthfully, I have to find the strength to let him go. For once, I need to trust my head and not my heart. I need to remember that the man that I love with all of my heart - the man that brought me a sense of peace and completeness I'd never felt before, is gone.
I'm going away for the weekend. I'm not going to break my plans to watch the man that I'm in love with drowned and be smothered by addiction (though truth be told, it's already happened). There is this little part of me that is hoping that these days without me will give him an idea of the consequences of his actions. But with that hope, there is also the realist in me that knows that right now, he won't care. Because he's an addict. In active addiction. And no matter how much the man beneath loves me, the addict doesn't love me and whether he misses me or not - the addiction will always be stronger if he's not fighting for himself.
God help the man that I love, help the addict he has become again, and help my breaking heart.
I fell in love with an addict. Having been a recreational partier long ago with a slew of addict boyfriends, I knew the signs the first night we met. There was just something there. He's not the type that you would see walking down the street and you'd say Oh! He's an addict. But I had been around the life long enough. Over the course of our first date, he was very "honest". Said he'd been clean for a few years, was honest that he had a record but hadn't been in trouble with the law since he'd been clean, etc. I left our date that night disappointed because there was a connection but I didn't know if I was willing to take on his past. We had a conversation the next day and I decided to give him a chance. People recover, people choose to get better, and I can't hold his past against him.
Things were great for a bit...then started going south. He was paranoid about my faithfulness, accusational, argumentative... and the truth came out. He was still an addict, though at that point he said just adderall. But that he wanted to get clean. So I stayed. And the insanity ensued. He ended up trying to go cold turkey...got on suboxone, ended up on klonopin, shot up adderall in my apartment with my youngest sleeping in the next room, meth, a little heroin... we broke up, he raged at me daily, still accused me of cheating on him, of being crazy, of being evil and I fought back because I am nothing if not a fighter and he made me rage and it felt good. Things calmed down and I offered friendship and he took it, and then it all hit the fan and he went to detox.
He got out and I stayed. And things were wonderful and I fell more in love with the man than I thought possible. But after 20 years of addiction, he struggled with a lack of motivation, no energy, and he hated it. But he was going to NA, started working steps with a sponsor and I was so very proud of him and even if he wasn't totally accepting of his limitations, he was overall happy. But he went to pick up his ill dad one weekend and found klonopin and he lapsed. Binged for 2 days. Sobered up and had destroyed all the work he done, the fragile peace he had begun to find. He lost himself and has now given up on himself and his recovery.
I know that I can't change things. I know that no amount of crying, begging, pleading, arguing, or anything else will stop him from choosing this path. The addict is back. The liar, manipulator, thief. And to protect myself and my kids, who have also fallen in love with him, I have to let him go. Truthfully, I have to find the strength to let him go. For once, I need to trust my head and not my heart. I need to remember that the man that I love with all of my heart - the man that brought me a sense of peace and completeness I'd never felt before, is gone.
I'm going away for the weekend. I'm not going to break my plans to watch the man that I'm in love with drowned and be smothered by addiction (though truth be told, it's already happened). There is this little part of me that is hoping that these days without me will give him an idea of the consequences of his actions. But with that hope, there is also the realist in me that knows that right now, he won't care. Because he's an addict. In active addiction. And no matter how much the man beneath loves me, the addict doesn't love me and whether he misses me or not - the addiction will always be stronger if he's not fighting for himself.
God help the man that I love, help the addict he has become again, and help my breaking heart.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
This is sad and I can really relate. My husband is gone, 3 weeks now and he can barely look at me when I do see him. He doesn't even call the kids and can't look at them in the eye. He hocked our computer and camera and I confronted him. Instead of admitting it, he lied. When he finally had no choice but to admit it, he blamed me and the kids for his using. Then he said he needed to leave to get better but I'm sure that's not what's happening:/ so so sad.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
You are showing me in this that you are a very loving, compassionate, forgiving, passionate person.
You admit that he fired you up.. and you liked it.
I'm also a former partier, binger addict. I can see how the drama is alluring.. but it came a time in my life that peace was necessary for me... and my own sobriety.
My AH crossed many lines... and I kept moving the line.. until I couldn't ignore it anymore. I realized that I needed just as much change as my addicted spouse. THings could not keep going the way they were. My life was a mess and so were my emotions.
What I learned that I do is deflect my emotional ethics onto him. That because I believe in the good in myself I always had to look for the good in him. SOmetimes the good isn't there. Especially when addiction is thriving.. it's burried. It's not our job to un-dig it.
I feel your pain. I really have and we are all here because of the damage and mess and pain an addict has caused in our life. THe good news is that we can help and fix ourselves. So we can go on living... and not be in so much pain.
You admit that he fired you up.. and you liked it.
I'm also a former partier, binger addict. I can see how the drama is alluring.. but it came a time in my life that peace was necessary for me... and my own sobriety.
My AH crossed many lines... and I kept moving the line.. until I couldn't ignore it anymore. I realized that I needed just as much change as my addicted spouse. THings could not keep going the way they were. My life was a mess and so were my emotions.
What I learned that I do is deflect my emotional ethics onto him. That because I believe in the good in myself I always had to look for the good in him. SOmetimes the good isn't there. Especially when addiction is thriving.. it's burried. It's not our job to un-dig it.
I feel your pain. I really have and we are all here because of the damage and mess and pain an addict has caused in our life. THe good news is that we can help and fix ourselves. So we can go on living... and not be in so much pain.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 28
I'm sorry fitchicky. My ex is now into the blame game.. When he got out of detox, he left everything behind. Moved in w his mom, was focusing on recovery, etc. Then when he lapsed, he started using their credit cards, and other things. So yesterday, I told her everything I knew. And she has given him until the weekend to get out. I saw him yesterday and he blamed me for getting kicked out, etc. But I know that nothing but his actions have created the place he is now. So I kept calmly responding that he did it to himself. He hates me now because of it and I knew what I was doing when I told her. Knew how it would play out for me. Was it to ensure that I would not come crawling back, hoping he'd change or whether it was only just to protect his mom since I adore that woman, I can't say. But I will never take responsibility for anything but loving him and doing my best to support him on his path to recovery...and now mourning the loss of him because he doesn't love himself enough to choose life.
I hope your husband chooses your family. But if he doesn't, remember that the addiction will always be stronger than any feelings he has for anyone or anything and there's no amount of love from anyone that could change that...unless he chooses to love himself.
I hope your husband chooses your family. But if he doesn't, remember that the addiction will always be stronger than any feelings he has for anyone or anything and there's no amount of love from anyone that could change that...unless he chooses to love himself.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 5
Edenchai, you seem so sweet and loving. Reading your posts and seeing how similar our addicts are (seems they are all the same) made me want to join this site.
I wish so much for you and your family. I'm dealing with the same struggles myself. I just left my addict boyfriend for the millionth time in our turbulent 3 year relationship. I pray so much right now not to get sucked into the chaos again.
I met him through a friend and had heard of his addictive and criminal past but he had convinced me I was "the one" worth changing for. Things were perfect for 8 months into our relationship before him stealing my car and running off with some of his old "friends". After that, every couple of weeks he'd be on the straight and narrow then he'd be back on a drug. He'd use any drug he could get his hands on and he'd use intravenously.
I've tried everything but now I just realize I was enabling him the whole time. I know it is baby steps seeing an improvement with an addict but I ran out of patience. Improvement for him was telling me he quit using IV. He'd say he would only smoke or swallow the drugs and instead of hard liquor, he'd just drink beer. But, you know, when the drugs and alcohol still turn him into the same hateful person, it doesn't matter which method he used to ingest the drugs.
I've just lost so much of my life waiting and hoping for change. I've lost material things (cars, apartments, belongings). I've lost friends who got tired of seeing me unhappy and continuing to go back to him. It all just sucks looking back at it now.
Since I've broken up with him he accuses me of having another boyfriend. And will say anything he can to upset me including how he cheated on me 3 times while we were together. It just hurts so much. I hope to feel peace someday.
I wish so much for you and your family. I'm dealing with the same struggles myself. I just left my addict boyfriend for the millionth time in our turbulent 3 year relationship. I pray so much right now not to get sucked into the chaos again.
I met him through a friend and had heard of his addictive and criminal past but he had convinced me I was "the one" worth changing for. Things were perfect for 8 months into our relationship before him stealing my car and running off with some of his old "friends". After that, every couple of weeks he'd be on the straight and narrow then he'd be back on a drug. He'd use any drug he could get his hands on and he'd use intravenously.
I've tried everything but now I just realize I was enabling him the whole time. I know it is baby steps seeing an improvement with an addict but I ran out of patience. Improvement for him was telling me he quit using IV. He'd say he would only smoke or swallow the drugs and instead of hard liquor, he'd just drink beer. But, you know, when the drugs and alcohol still turn him into the same hateful person, it doesn't matter which method he used to ingest the drugs.
I've just lost so much of my life waiting and hoping for change. I've lost material things (cars, apartments, belongings). I've lost friends who got tired of seeing me unhappy and continuing to go back to him. It all just sucks looking back at it now.
Since I've broken up with him he accuses me of having another boyfriend. And will say anything he can to upset me including how he cheated on me 3 times while we were together. It just hurts so much. I hope to feel peace someday.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 28
Welcome to the forums Wish and thank you for the kind words!
You will find peace. And the first steps to finding that may be to block him from every available communication possible and remove him totally from your life, if possible.
I spent days upon days fighting with my RA about his belief that I was unfaithful. He said horrible things to me, preyed upon every real insecurity I had, and because I was livid, I fought back. I was too angry at the time to take his words to heart, but when the war we were fighting was over, every single jab he made ripped me apart. I felt like I had PTSD. At the point it all came flooding back, my defenses were down, he was in recovery and I had to work to get past the things he had said. And those things still pop into my head from time to time.
I have chosen to stay. Though the day I went to return his things, I had every intention of walking away. But he was sober. And lucid. And coming back to the man that I had devoted myself to and I believe he does want to be clean.
I'm still cautious. I'm still leery. I'm still afraid. And I have told him very clearly my boundary; if he goes back into active addiction, I won't stay. Maybe I would if I didn't have kids, but I do...my daughter thinks he's practically hung the moon and my son calls him his best friend. And I will NOT allow them to be heartbroken over and over because of his addiction. In a sense, they are my saving grace because I think I would at least consider riding it out for awhile if I didn't have them. He means that much to me.
He's been completely sober for less than a week and we're heading to his first NA meeting together tomorrow evening. But I feel this change come over him sometimes. We spent the afternoon playing frisbee with my son and goofing off, making beach plans for Saturday and he seemed fairly light hearted. But sometime during the birthday dinner for his aunt tonight, a cloud had passed over him. The depression scares me. We've been through this before -though when I mentioned it he didn't seem to remember. We said goodbye at the restaurant tonight and I wanted to shove him in my car and take him home and keep him safe.
I'm not as fearful as I was after his first lapse...I KNEW what was going to happen... That he would fall off completely. This time feels different, I have a little more hope. But then, he speaks in self defeating words sometimes, and he didn't after he got out of detox...but I wonder if this time, he's just being more vocal about what's in his head. I hope he is. He went home to sleep, he's doing that a lot right now.
I believe he wants to be clean and I believe in him. But the demons are riding him hard right now, I think. And giving up is so much easier than fighting. So I worry, and I pray he doesn't give up on himself because the hardest part will eventually become easier if he's patient, and I do my best to not let the fear consume my thoughts.
Be strong, Wish. You've spent 3 years hoping for a change that never happened. And after 3 years in this hellish cycle, you deserve to rest. You deserve to put your life back together how YOU want it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve that peace you're looking for. You deserve to rediscover everything that you've lost due to your relationship, most importantly YOURSELF.
You will find peace. And the first steps to finding that may be to block him from every available communication possible and remove him totally from your life, if possible.
I spent days upon days fighting with my RA about his belief that I was unfaithful. He said horrible things to me, preyed upon every real insecurity I had, and because I was livid, I fought back. I was too angry at the time to take his words to heart, but when the war we were fighting was over, every single jab he made ripped me apart. I felt like I had PTSD. At the point it all came flooding back, my defenses were down, he was in recovery and I had to work to get past the things he had said. And those things still pop into my head from time to time.
I have chosen to stay. Though the day I went to return his things, I had every intention of walking away. But he was sober. And lucid. And coming back to the man that I had devoted myself to and I believe he does want to be clean.
I'm still cautious. I'm still leery. I'm still afraid. And I have told him very clearly my boundary; if he goes back into active addiction, I won't stay. Maybe I would if I didn't have kids, but I do...my daughter thinks he's practically hung the moon and my son calls him his best friend. And I will NOT allow them to be heartbroken over and over because of his addiction. In a sense, they are my saving grace because I think I would at least consider riding it out for awhile if I didn't have them. He means that much to me.
He's been completely sober for less than a week and we're heading to his first NA meeting together tomorrow evening. But I feel this change come over him sometimes. We spent the afternoon playing frisbee with my son and goofing off, making beach plans for Saturday and he seemed fairly light hearted. But sometime during the birthday dinner for his aunt tonight, a cloud had passed over him. The depression scares me. We've been through this before -though when I mentioned it he didn't seem to remember. We said goodbye at the restaurant tonight and I wanted to shove him in my car and take him home and keep him safe.
I'm not as fearful as I was after his first lapse...I KNEW what was going to happen... That he would fall off completely. This time feels different, I have a little more hope. But then, he speaks in self defeating words sometimes, and he didn't after he got out of detox...but I wonder if this time, he's just being more vocal about what's in his head. I hope he is. He went home to sleep, he's doing that a lot right now.
I believe he wants to be clean and I believe in him. But the demons are riding him hard right now, I think. And giving up is so much easier than fighting. So I worry, and I pray he doesn't give up on himself because the hardest part will eventually become easier if he's patient, and I do my best to not let the fear consume my thoughts.
Be strong, Wish. You've spent 3 years hoping for a change that never happened. And after 3 years in this hellish cycle, you deserve to rest. You deserve to put your life back together how YOU want it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve that peace you're looking for. You deserve to rediscover everything that you've lost due to your relationship, most importantly YOURSELF.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 5
Thanks so much for your reply. I really hope your husband can do good for himself and you. I'll pray for you.
I've blocked him on social sites and changed passwords so I can move forward with my life. He's said so many hurtful things to me between cheating on me to saying he's not attracted to me. I know he's probably just saying it to hurt me but does he really thing being mean is going to change my mind?
I know I cannot be with him especially seeing how he's acted the past few days. That and, after moving back into my parent's home, they have said they'll be done with me if I go back to him. I just can't let that happen when I know for a fact they love me versus his love being so intertwined with manipulation and whenever it's convenient for him.
I just pray for strength everyday. And I'm so glad to not feel so alone with this site. Everyone on here has a beautiful soul and have so much love in their hearts, we deserve people in our lives that are honest to God appreciative and worthy of our love.
I've blocked him on social sites and changed passwords so I can move forward with my life. He's said so many hurtful things to me between cheating on me to saying he's not attracted to me. I know he's probably just saying it to hurt me but does he really thing being mean is going to change my mind?
I know I cannot be with him especially seeing how he's acted the past few days. That and, after moving back into my parent's home, they have said they'll be done with me if I go back to him. I just can't let that happen when I know for a fact they love me versus his love being so intertwined with manipulation and whenever it's convenient for him.
I just pray for strength everyday. And I'm so glad to not feel so alone with this site. Everyone on here has a beautiful soul and have so much love in their hearts, we deserve people in our lives that are honest to God appreciative and worthy of our love.
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