Prayers for strength please
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Prayers for strength please
The burdens in my life are very heavy this morning. I had a brief fantasy last night of how light my responsibilities would be if I was only carrying my stuff. That is where I want to be. That is not where I am. The fact that I can have that goal is really a huge step for me.
Life is really busy right now and I am not feeling up to the job.
I recently started counseling, a good thing, and I found a couple questions asked yesterday left me upset with how badly I have neglected myself. "when was the last time you really relaxed?" and "when have you had consistent good sleep?". I am learning to take care of me, slowly but surely. Because I have never prioritized my needs it is a harder process than I would have thought. I realize I also need to learn to let others help. A foreign concept which early childhood training never allowed. Another aspect of my growth which is proving difficult.
So today I am asking…. good thoughts, prayers, a lightening of mood…..
Life is really busy right now and I am not feeling up to the job.
I recently started counseling, a good thing, and I found a couple questions asked yesterday left me upset with how badly I have neglected myself. "when was the last time you really relaxed?" and "when have you had consistent good sleep?". I am learning to take care of me, slowly but surely. Because I have never prioritized my needs it is a harder process than I would have thought. I realize I also need to learn to let others help. A foreign concept which early childhood training never allowed. Another aspect of my growth which is proving difficult.
So today I am asking…. good thoughts, prayers, a lightening of mood…..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I have been there.....I lived in that place for far too long. But it IS possible to find a way to carry just our own stuff.....and the relief is pretty amazing. It took me a long time....but I'm a slow learner. lol I wish for you a faster learning curve!
And around here.....you need to be careful when you ask for a lightening of mood.....lol....we like to party.
gentle hugs
ke
And around here.....you need to be careful when you ask for a lightening of mood.....lol....we like to party.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Lovenjoy, the good news is that you are already taking the first steps toward where you want to be! That is a huge success.
You have reached out to SR; counselor; and are starting to focus on you!
Don't beat yourself up...to much! We all go through the "I stayed to long; what was I thinking?; how could have I done that?' where did I go?" It's ok. We are human and are NOT perfect-ever.
The thing is you WILL have weak moments and that is also ok. As long as you are, overall, attempting/trying to move forward.
Hugs to you!
You have reached out to SR; counselor; and are starting to focus on you!
Don't beat yourself up...to much! We all go through the "I stayed to long; what was I thinking?; how could have I done that?' where did I go?" It's ok. We are human and are NOT perfect-ever.
The thing is you WILL have weak moments and that is also ok. As long as you are, overall, attempting/trying to move forward.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree with TX. It does not all come in a day and you are moving forward! That is good, it means it will come. The hurts don't happen overnight and the healing does not either. So when you get frustrated look at what you are accomplishing right now and decide what thing (even if it's a baby step thing) can you do next?
Tight Hugs. Hoping you have a day full of relaxation and joy!
Tight Hugs. Hoping you have a day full of relaxation and joy!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Derry
Posts: 45
Sending love and prayers and positive energy your way. It's a terrible tough road, and when we're so busy taking care of other people and watching their every move you forget to take care of yourself. I think many of us have done that. Take care of yourself and remember You Are Important!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The beach has always been my biggest serenity booster, hope you find peace there too.
I remember a time when I was constantly stressed, no relief at all, day or night. I remember thinking that I would sell my soul for just one boring day. I am never bored today but my days and nights are filled with joy and peace. Stay the course and yours will be too.
You may not be there yet but you have come a long way and are so much closer now with smoother days ahead.
hugs
I remember a time when I was constantly stressed, no relief at all, day or night. I remember thinking that I would sell my soul for just one boring day. I am never bored today but my days and nights are filled with joy and peace. Stay the course and yours will be too.
You may not be there yet but you have come a long way and are so much closer now with smoother days ahead.
hugs
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
The beach was awesome! Lots more people out with it being 60 degrees, even some crazies surfing! I don't go in in August! My favorite snack place was open, didn't expect that, so I actually ate a good dinner and had a huge cup of snickers ice cream! And Ann the sound of the waves has always been my biggest serenity booster. Just close my eyes and let the sound wash it all away…..
The meeting was really good. After, I stopped at the headwall and the waves were gleaming in the moonlight and the stars went on forever…. Really peaceful. I noticed I can't relax for very long - started to leave and made myself take a few more minutes. Gonna work on that. It's time I learned to allow myself to revel in the peace not just snatch a little than jump back in the race. The beach and this new meeting (which i really liked) are less than an hour away so with good weather coming I may do it on a regular basis. (and there goes that codie voice - but the $$$ s in gas, but you leave work early, but you get back so late, but he might need you - a lot like an AV and i want it silenced!)
I swear as my day progressed I could actually feel all of the caring you all were sending my way.
And DG, I really enjoyed the view!
The meeting was really good. After, I stopped at the headwall and the waves were gleaming in the moonlight and the stars went on forever…. Really peaceful. I noticed I can't relax for very long - started to leave and made myself take a few more minutes. Gonna work on that. It's time I learned to allow myself to revel in the peace not just snatch a little than jump back in the race. The beach and this new meeting (which i really liked) are less than an hour away so with good weather coming I may do it on a regular basis. (and there goes that codie voice - but the $$$ s in gas, but you leave work early, but you get back so late, but he might need you - a lot like an AV and i want it silenced!)
I swear as my day progressed I could actually feel all of the caring you all were sending my way.
And DG, I really enjoyed the view!
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Lovenjoy, prayers sent for you, and empathy as I am going through the same.
My Aunt 89, told me she has been blessed to be able to lighten the load of others, that the burdens were never her own. In a recent conversation with her, I finally understood she was not trying to take on the trials of others, she was available to provide the help they ASKED for IF they were ready to receive it with her boundaries. She travelled, went to parties, vacationed often, visited friends.. She took care of herself first and then she helped people like me. Hope this makes sense.
Hugs and good thoughts to you.
My Aunt 89, told me she has been blessed to be able to lighten the load of others, that the burdens were never her own. In a recent conversation with her, I finally understood she was not trying to take on the trials of others, she was available to provide the help they ASKED for IF they were ready to receive it with her boundaries. She travelled, went to parties, vacationed often, visited friends.. She took care of herself first and then she helped people like me. Hope this makes sense.
Hugs and good thoughts to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Funny, but when I read your first paragraph I thought, "wow, she needs a vacation!" lol!
You might not be able to take one, but what can you do to de-stress?
I was very stressed out during my divorce. I am major anxiety. In order to get through it I watched a lot of stand up comics and did yoga almost everyday. It really helped with the anxiety. You are in a state of change. It will happen, but slowly. Almost 3 years later and my finances are just starting to look up. I remember thinking just a few weeks ago, "wow, he really screwed me financially and this is taking a lot longer than expected to fix." But, it gets fixed.
Hang in there.
You might not be able to take one, but what can you do to de-stress?
I was very stressed out during my divorce. I am major anxiety. In order to get through it I watched a lot of stand up comics and did yoga almost everyday. It really helped with the anxiety. You are in a state of change. It will happen, but slowly. Almost 3 years later and my finances are just starting to look up. I remember thinking just a few weeks ago, "wow, he really screwed me financially and this is taking a lot longer than expected to fix." But, it gets fixed.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: los angeles
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Lovenjoy 
The burdens in my life are very heavy this morning. I had a brief fantasy last night of how light my responsibilities would be if I was only carrying my stuff. That is where I want to be. That is not where I am. The fact that I can have that goal is really a huge step for me.
Life is really busy right now and I am not feeling up to the job.
I recently started counseling, a good thing, and I found a couple questions asked yesterday left me upset with how badly I have neglected myself. "when was the last time you really relaxed?" and "when have you had consistent good sleep?". I am learning to take care of me, slowly but surely. Because I have never prioritized my needs it is a harder process than I would have thought. I realize I also need to learn to let others help. A foreign concept which early childhood training never allowed. Another aspect of my growth which is proving difficult.
So today I am asking…. good thoughts, prayers, a lightening of mood…..
Life is really busy right now and I am not feeling up to the job.
I recently started counseling, a good thing, and I found a couple questions asked yesterday left me upset with how badly I have neglected myself. "when was the last time you really relaxed?" and "when have you had consistent good sleep?". I am learning to take care of me, slowly but surely. Because I have never prioritized my needs it is a harder process than I would have thought. I realize I also need to learn to let others help. A foreign concept which early childhood training never allowed. Another aspect of my growth which is proving difficult.
So today I am asking…. good thoughts, prayers, a lightening of mood…..
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Yeah, so he's not done yet. My last post in the surgery thread feels like one of denial but I prefer to think it is one of hope. I have detached enough that I don't really know where he is at, how much is manipulation and how much is truth….. And I can no longer invest in finding out.
While he was at meeting this morning I cleaned his bedside table - it is something we have talked about. If he is doing recovery then why does this table look like a drug spot. So I cleaned. I found things. Really, it didn't feel like 'checking' but maybe it was….. I have had a gut feeling, one I will trust more now.
I have been working with the book codependent no more, doing meetings and in counseling. I had some tears but kept my peace. When I picked him up I told him, calmly and with love, that if he wasn't done with active addiction that is his choice but I am done. I told him that in the spirit of the honesty I now need for my recovery that I no longer will pretend in anyway. I told him I have sacrificed 6 years of my life and huge amounts of money and I choose to stop my participation in this madness. So if that is what he wants he has to do it elsewhere. He has only heard this from me a few times recently. I told him I know this will mean my beautiful GD and I won't see each other but that is not enough to hold me hostage anymore.
Now I'm going on with my day. He is shocked that there aren't the hysterics and threats and tears that have always been involved. Actions speak. Both for him and for me. My actions are speaking loudly this morning. I am done. How done will be revealed as yet another round of this disease plays out. I hate it. I really, really hate it.
But I will not let it bring me back to where I was a few months ago. My life depends on my recovery. I am praying and working on what my next actions need to be. They won't be accomplished in a mood of chaos and trauma. They will be done though. Guess I have reached the third point of recovery - awareness, acceptance, action. Strength is definitely needed.
I've caught myself thinking if I didn't have my job I could manage my personal life easier. How crazy is that? If I didn't have such a messed up personal life I could manage my job better - that is sane thinking. So attention is now on doing the sane thing. I love my work. I need my job. It has been jeopardized for a long time by this circus of addiction. I want the circus to leave town. The answers haven't come yet but I know they will. My HP is driving the bus now, not me. I'll just keep doing the next right thing. For today, I have more important things to do than give him and his problems all of my attention. On to the laundromat! I made a list of things to do today, I haven't done that in a long time. I'm glad I did today as they are all things for my life. Hopefully it will help keep me focused.
Thanks for 'listening'. SR is a lifesaver. I may sound stable but I'm feeling kinda fragile. Be gentle my friends…..
While he was at meeting this morning I cleaned his bedside table - it is something we have talked about. If he is doing recovery then why does this table look like a drug spot. So I cleaned. I found things. Really, it didn't feel like 'checking' but maybe it was….. I have had a gut feeling, one I will trust more now.
I have been working with the book codependent no more, doing meetings and in counseling. I had some tears but kept my peace. When I picked him up I told him, calmly and with love, that if he wasn't done with active addiction that is his choice but I am done. I told him that in the spirit of the honesty I now need for my recovery that I no longer will pretend in anyway. I told him I have sacrificed 6 years of my life and huge amounts of money and I choose to stop my participation in this madness. So if that is what he wants he has to do it elsewhere. He has only heard this from me a few times recently. I told him I know this will mean my beautiful GD and I won't see each other but that is not enough to hold me hostage anymore.
Now I'm going on with my day. He is shocked that there aren't the hysterics and threats and tears that have always been involved. Actions speak. Both for him and for me. My actions are speaking loudly this morning. I am done. How done will be revealed as yet another round of this disease plays out. I hate it. I really, really hate it.
But I will not let it bring me back to where I was a few months ago. My life depends on my recovery. I am praying and working on what my next actions need to be. They won't be accomplished in a mood of chaos and trauma. They will be done though. Guess I have reached the third point of recovery - awareness, acceptance, action. Strength is definitely needed.
I've caught myself thinking if I didn't have my job I could manage my personal life easier. How crazy is that? If I didn't have such a messed up personal life I could manage my job better - that is sane thinking. So attention is now on doing the sane thing. I love my work. I need my job. It has been jeopardized for a long time by this circus of addiction. I want the circus to leave town. The answers haven't come yet but I know they will. My HP is driving the bus now, not me. I'll just keep doing the next right thing. For today, I have more important things to do than give him and his problems all of my attention. On to the laundromat! I made a list of things to do today, I haven't done that in a long time. I'm glad I did today as they are all things for my life. Hopefully it will help keep me focused.
Thanks for 'listening'. SR is a lifesaver. I may sound stable but I'm feeling kinda fragile. Be gentle my friends…..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Sending you love, strength and understanding. You definitely sound like you are feeling strong. Sometimes we have to fake it till we make it. Something I try to practice on days I feel weak is playing attention to my "I am" statements. If I tell myself "I am tired, I am broken, I am frustrated, I am angry, etc" then it seems my thoughts perpetuate even more of that. If I tell myself "I am accepting, I am motivated, I am human, I am making progress" the same holds true. I hope this helps you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Lovenjoy
I've caught myself thinking if I didn't have my job I could manage my personal life easier. How crazy is that? If I didn't have such a messed up personal life I could manage my job better - that is sane thinking.
Speaking of, my daughter relapsed after hospitalization and surgery. It didn't happen right away, though. It was a short while later when she got the insurance settlement $$$$$. After the beast woke up she was ready to party.
I said the same thing to her, that she could do whatever she wanted but she couldn't do it here. I was not going to house, enable, suffer her sociopathic behavior again. I refused to watch my daughter dance with the beast one more time.
Like you, I was calm, even kind about it, while being firm. But it hurt my heart deeply. Privately, I let myself cry, I let myself feel all the emotions. Nothing was suppressed. And I let go again
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think your recovery is shining. You are taking care of you and letting him make his own choices, knowing your boundaries.
One step in front of the other, forward we go. Keep those meetings coming, they will bring you peace.
Hugs
One step in front of the other, forward we go. Keep those meetings coming, they will bring you peace.
Hugs
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
The 'I am' was really helpful for a bit, it's in my tool box now. Came to my spot at the lake. Feeling my feelings and they suck. My heart hurts so bad. I lose him which is bad enough. But I lose my grand baby too and know she will be devastated. That is crushing me.
My recovery really is showing 'cause I am feeling my feelings and not running from them, I'm not angry at him 'cause it isn't personal and I know that now, and I want so bad to let go and let God. Why is that so hard for me to do? I'm almost there. I know He's got this I just need to get out of His way. The fear I am feeling is huge. Time for more praying. And more reading. More tears so I can go home calm.
On a lighter note, ha! Saw some buffleheads probably for the last time as they disappear once the ice is gone. An my favorite a blue heron flew across in front of me an I can see him napping in the grass. An the sun is_shining and I'm in a t shirt! Spring has sprung, finally!
God bless us all.....
My recovery really is showing 'cause I am feeling my feelings and not running from them, I'm not angry at him 'cause it isn't personal and I know that now, and I want so bad to let go and let God. Why is that so hard for me to do? I'm almost there. I know He's got this I just need to get out of His way. The fear I am feeling is huge. Time for more praying. And more reading. More tears so I can go home calm.
On a lighter note, ha! Saw some buffleheads probably for the last time as they disappear once the ice is gone. An my favorite a blue heron flew across in front of me an I can see him napping in the grass. An the sun is_shining and I'm in a t shirt! Spring has sprung, finally!
God bless us all.....
Last edited by Lovenjoy; 04-06-2014 at 02:00 PM. Reason: just saw another blue heron catch a fish on the fly right in front of me! have never seen that!
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
It must be mating season! I have seen 5 blue herons in the last five minutes! The first is still napping, must be a grandpa! God is good! There s nothing that lightens my heart more than seeing a heron in flight! We truly get what we need when we need it!!!
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