Chino

Here's another one just for you

Lovenjoy

Awwww, thanks Chino! I put it in my gallery. I never get good pictures of them but I see them a lot! They're kinda timid looking just standing (beautiful though!) then they fly and look like prehistoric pterodactyls! Seeing that one catch a fish on the fly was awesome! Home now and going on with my list.

In codependent no more today I feel I got some validation/advise on not making decisions until ready: "If you can't get peaceful about a decision, let it go. It's not time to make it yet. Wait until your mind is consistent and your emotions are calm." I intuitively knew this so it was nice to read. I firmed up the boundary today. As you said Ann 'One step in front of the other, forward we go.'

I've got deadlines coming out my ears at work, haven't done my taxes, need new brakes, and Easter is on us. So life is busy enough at the moment. It's enough for me. I wish he could join the real world. I've been spending a lot of time lately fantasizing having a 'normal' life. Guess maybe it is kind of the leg work before I implement big changes?

A big thing that has been on my heart for awhile. I am very close to my niece who is the same age as AS. I have wanted to fill her in but really don't want to burden her. She knows I'm struggling, we're that close. She knows the situation, most of my family does, but I don't feel right doing full share with any of them. But I want to with my niece. Very conflicted on this. Might be best doing it here, meetings, counseling and just keep it vague with my sweet niece. She's a single parent with a lot on her plate too. Just 'talking it out' here! Thanks everyone - and the beat goes on!!!

cynical one

A blue heron taught me a life lesson. I was driving along the shore and I said to my husband "look at the blue heron". He looks and says "you mean that metal post with a blue grocery bag stuck to it". So, I made an appointment with the eye doctor and now I wear glasses when I drive.

Lovenjoy

Thanks for the laugh CO!!!

Lovenjoy

So I decided to face my fears a little bit. My state has grandparent visitation rights. And the fact that she lived in my home from birth until just recently will definitely be a huge factor. The child's wishes are looked at and seeing as we are beyond close as I have been her steady rock through out both her parent's addiction problems makes her wishes pretty clear. Trying hard not to 'future trip' but it is important for me to face my fears so I can clean up my side of the street and move forward.

The thought of this precious little girl and I losing each other is more than I can bear. Most importantly for her. If I knew her situation with XAGF would remain healthy I would be less fearful. But this is addiction. I am seeing that can be ever changing. If I hadn't stepped up her mom would probably be dead now and there are no guarantees that she will stay in her program. No, her addiction is not my problem to solve but this little girl's well being has been mine to safe guard since she was born. Allowing adults to make there own choices is one thing. Who's watching how those choices affect the little ones? That is what I struggle with….. Let go and Let God.

I want my life back.

Firefall

Beautiful... calming thoughts, yes?

Lovenjoy

Thank you FireFall!!!!!

Lovenjoy

So today the litany of lies (?) but who in their right mind can even tell? 'It was only surgery drugs' 'I don't have the money or means' 'I'm doing everything I can' 'It won't happen again' 'You call all the time so when?' 'I don't have the time' 'I've gotten rid of phone numbers' and of course the recovery card 'I go to meetings and call people'……. I pointed out the constant calls from me stopped almost 2 months ago. Whether he sees it or not I've changed and I won't be played anymore. He's very remorseful today. Is that because his cushy home life is threatened or a sincere 'I need to be done with this' attitude?

I know I need to be done with this. I told him I don't want anymore words from him. I want to see recovery in his actions. And that before he asks me to do anything for him he needs to first come up with a way for him to do it himself. I am going to stay strong in my recovery and if anything came out of yesterday it is that I am speaking my mind more openly. Not for him to get better. For me to be better.

I have a lot of new insights. Now I have to translate them into new behaviors. I have been codie to his addiction for 6 years. (unbeknownst to me for 5) I've been in my recovery for less than 3 months. The behaviors of detachment, acceptance, wait to be asked, let him do for himself what he can and of course self care - are all very new to me. I am working them. They are helping.

I have said I will support recovery and only recovery. I now see I have been 'supporting' in a still codependent way. This is a new insight and will take some reflection. My adult child is suffering and as his mother of course I want to support his recovery. But the way I have been giving support doesn't seem to have improved things much and is still being harmful to me. There has to be a healthy way to support recovery without harming myself…..

So he talked, I listened. Then I talked, he listened. I didn't do the dance, no spiraling into argument, no anger, no back and forth to get sucked into it's a lie it's not a lie….. Communication has changed for the better. Not a lot new in his dialogue. He heard much from me he's never heard. Being able to 'talk' here with people who are and have walked this path is very healing and empowering. I thank you all for your caring, it means the world to me. Together we walk forward into serenity!

Firefall

Lovenjoy, sounds like you did the right things at the right time. Good going!

Your words reminded me of something I learned from my daughter a long time back.
Perhaps this will resonate with you.

I asked my daughter who was recently married if she could run an errand for me because I had to work late and it was important to me. She said she was too tired. I begged her, but still no. Then I said everything I have ever done for you never asking for anything, and you can't do this one thing? She said, "I never asked you to, you did those things because you're my mom".

I was hit by a ton of bricks! After saying our goodbyes and picking myself up off the metal floor, realized she was absolutely right. In the years since, I have waited to be asked.

Hope this makes sense. I am left handed so my thinking is right to left.

Have a good day.

Lovenjoy

This makes wonderful sense Firefall! Wait to be asked was one of the first pieces of advise I got here on SR from an obviously great father. And it is something I have the hardest time doing. I never realized how often I just jump in with advise and actions that I think need to happen without even giving the person a chance to voice anything! I'm trying and I thank you for the added reminder as it is definitely a defect of mine that needs work.

And I'm left handed too, so I guess that's why you make sense to me! Have a great night!

Firefall

Lovenjoy... yep lefties always work from the answer to the question.
So we know it all, but have no idea what to do with it.

The answer is Yes! Find me a question will ya?

Missed ya.