mrobinson622

My husband has been in rehab since March 6. He is getting out on Thursday and going into a 3/4 house. I'm proud of him.

I'm falling apart. I'm in a deep depression. After about a week of being there, he starts seeming distant. Then he quits calling me the petname he has for our entire 2 year marriage. The he seems more distant. I finally ask him one day what is wrong and why he is acting this way. He says he is unsure of his feelings. He isn't in love with me at the moment. He was talking about separation. He still doesn't know and doesn't want to decide. What is there to decide??? If you love someone you love them. Yes I did enable him. I'm getting help...Nar Anon, Emotions Anon, reading literature...etc. But I can't understand! I'm having panic attacks, can't eat, can't sleep, can't work. I see on so many posts, addicts have said their mind wasn't clear. What does that mean? I understand about being screwed up about a lot of feelings but why that one? We had our ups and downs but we had a good marriage. Yes he did a lot of messed up things, but we always worked through it and now he is doing the rehab and the 3/4 house. Why is our marriage in question? Why would he have to decide if he doesn't want to come home? I don't understand...Please someone help me. I get ok and then I start crying hysterically again like right this second. I'm at work and I can't get myself together. What are the odds he will come home? How long should I wait? I don't want to push him but I want to know if he loves me. I want answers damnit!!! Why is that a hard decision? I can't do this. I can't feel so alone even though I know I'm not. I know I'm supposed to let go with love. But if I love him how can I let go? How can I let my marriage fail? What does that say about me? That I didn't love him enough...Everyone is telling me to be patient but what if he is just using me to pay for gas and groceries and cigs and phone until he starts working at the 3/4 house and then he is going to tell me he wants a divorce? What if he starts sleeping around with someone he meets up there? I want my husband back so bad. He was so loving and nurturing when I needed him like I was when he needed me. I know he will be different but how does being sober change THAT part of him. Help me understand please...I'm so hurt and confused and angry and sad and utterly destroyed in my heart...

AnvilheadII

But if I love him how can I let go? How can I let my marriage fail? What does that say about me? That I didn't love him enough...

love gives us the strength to ALLOW others to be who they are, do what they must do, and yes, let them go. dependence and fear tell us to hang on, not love.

you are not letting your marriage FAIL. there are two of you in this thing and right now your husband is unsure of what he wants or feels. he hasn't even been sober one whole month yet. these are HIS choices....HE owns them....they are not a reflection upon you.

you can't make him do anything different than what he chooses to do. sadly in all this you seem to have lost sight of the fact that he IS in treatment and is planning to go thru with a sober living environment to help further his RECOVERY along. don't forget addiction is life or death.

L0stH0pe

oh my i am so sorry you are going through this. When i arrived here a few days ago, i was pretty much at the same place, i couldnt understand why my AH was doing the stuff he was doing, why he was saying things he was saying..

He is now 1 week into treatment and i already see a difference in BOTH of us.. he hasnt threatened to "leave me" for over a week, i have let go a little of the fear those words always stir up in me (that is not to say that they wouldnt/dont frighten me anymore.. they terrify me). He left me back in january and went away for a week and, you know what, after the initial shock, i realised that i was still alive, the world was still out there.. another day started even though he wasnt here. Did i miss him? of course i did but i also found some quiet time, i finally had some time to not be involved in the drama and chaos his addiction brought to our home... it was in way hard when he then announced he was coming back??!!!??

It was that upheaval, the "ive left you" to "im back" that initially brought me to this place.

You are naturally scared, you are hurting and you feel all sorts.. that, at some point, will likely change to anger/rage/resentment.. it did for me anyway and that was even scarier.

I hope you find some peace soon, i hope you get some answers soon.. it is hard and it is unfair..

I have decided that im in no position to make a decision about our marriage, so the tables have turned for us and it is AH who is now wanting an answer from ME, but i told him that i have the right to take my time in finding what *I* want too.

mrobinson622

I know this is HIS choice...but his choice doesn't just affect him. It affect 6 other people!!! Me, my 2 kids, and his 3 kids. His kids adore me as I adore them and my kids adore him! So why is it the addict or alcoholic has a choice in all matters that affect everyone? Everything is ALWAYS about them! Yes he is getting help. Ive told him countless times that I am proud so much of him. I've told him that I've forgiven him for the things he has done to us. I've stuck by his side. When we got married, I said through thick and thin and in sickness and in health. He said it too. How can that not mean ANYTHING? He started feeling this way just over a week after he had been there. What have they been telling him to make him even begin to think this? My husband has ALWAYS been loving and supportive and saying that we can make it through anything as long as we have each other...how could that change in a week unless they are filling his head with these ideas???? The day before he went in I posted something sweet on his facebook about as long as we have each other we can hold hands forever or something like that and he wrote back that he loved me beyond words and that he wanted to be the one holding my hand for the rest of our lives. I can't comprehend how that changed. Our love should be the ONE constant in his changing world. I can be alone. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't want to be. I want my best friend. I want my lover. I want my soulmate. I want my husband.
Yes I am insecure. I am insecure about the fact 3 almost 4 weeks ago my husband adored me as I did him and now he questions our marriage and our love. I'm completely lost. I can't change his mind if he wants a divorce. I can hang onto the hope that he realizes that this is a bad idea. I support him and I love him. With my love and support, support from his sponsor and his group, he has a better chance than if he just goes it alone with meetings and sponsor. He has intimacy and love and concern here at home...kids that adore him...

BlueChair

If your married and have kids, and he isnt sure if he wants the marriage then I think it would be reasonable for you to suggest some kind of family or marriage counseling. We did this and dont even have kids. I dont know what drugs your husband was on, but my husband was still not real stable at one month. Sometimes he wanted me close, other times pushed me away. Sometimes he felt guilty or unworthy because he had a lot of regrets and feared for his own future and wanted to spare me. Very strange thoughts. He did inpatient for over 3 months and didnt use a 3/4 house Im not sure what that is, sorry.

jjj111

I have been where you are, wanting the addicts in my life to act with conscience, to keep their promises, wanting life to be fair. Sadly, it hasn't worked out like that for me. I try now to accept that life is often unfair and I can't control whether other people act with kindness and integrity. All I can do is try to let kindness and integrity guide my own actions and set boundaries about what kind of behavior I am willing to accept from other people and what the consequences will be when they violate those boundaries. I hope you will find some peace and happiness!

mrobinson622

We were doing marriage counseling before he went in...we had been for about 6 weeks. I told him since he will have the freedom to come and go as long as he is back by 10pm that once a week, I'd like to go see our therapist (and yes I am seeing a therapist as well). I believe that will be important. Our marriage counselor is also an addiction specialist so I think it will do us a lot of good. He seems reluctant and says he doesn't want to have too much on his plate while he looks for a job and does his meetings, which is why I said once a week. He is expecting me to pay for food, gas, cigarettes and his phone payment...while he decides if we are worth it. Part of me feels like he is using me...I think he may cheat on me while he's at the 3/4 house. I feel that is he throwing what we have away for no reason, but selfishness and no concern for the well being of everyone involved in his life everyday.

mrobinson622

They are supposed to be getting help to make their lives better not ruin everyone else's lives. You're right it's not fair. It's not fair! I thought that getting sober helped you understand and do the things that you are responsible for, like your family, without being screwed up all the time. I wish I had done research on how rehab f***s up your marriage instead of helping it by making your partner sober so they can be there so that I could have been prepared for this and made myself aware. Rehab = Sober & Divorced. This is making me want to use something to suppress the pain he is putting me through. I'm trying the Nar Anon. No one can create my happiness but me. We could do that when we were together...whether we were alone or together. But now, it's all about him...I wish I could turn off how I feel. I wish I could turn into a heartless b**** so it wouldn't bother me and he could divorce me and I could care less. But I'm not and it's gonna hurt more than I can even imagine right now. I know that is what it's coming to. I don't look for a happy ending. I always saw us as the little old couple holding hands while we sit on the porch. Happy endings apparently are for people who are naïve cause there is no such thing.

jjj111

You're right, it's not fair! It's a raw deal! My parents drank themselves to death, my AXBF drained me of money and emotional energy and then split when I stopped providing, my A sister acts like a big baby whenever I ask her to take on her share of family responsibilities. I have found comfort in my boundaries, though. That is the closest I can get to justice. For example, one boundary I discovered through my experience with my AXBF is that I will not give money to people who are capable of supporting themselves. Maybe your boundary is that you won't pay for cigs/food/gas for someone who isn't sure they want to be with you? You do get to decide what treatment you are willing to put up with, that part is totally under your control and only you know what's right for you.

mrobinson622

OMG You are so right! I never thought of that. Something that is in MY control and is MY decision. I am the one that earns it. I work my ass off. I can't support two households though. His dad is paying for rehab AND for the 3/4 house AND gave him a car. I'm like wow! I tried to buy that car from his dad but they told me no. I got something a lot nicer though...I have a car payment but it's mine. I can tell him he can't drive it. I pay the payment and the insurance and the gas. He will have to do the same. I don't have any answers to the questions that are burning a hole through my heart and soul, but that gives me a smidge of solace. Thank you