MLJ88

Each day I look at my husband- the more difficult it becomes to recognize him- its not because he doesn't look like himself- he does for the most part (besides his weight loss and pale skin). But because, each day I feel more and more like I am living with a complete and total stranger.

I look back at our life together and how much it has declined. We once would talk for hours on end on the phone with eachother. We would talk about everything and anything. Now when we talk, words are coming out but nothing is really being said.

When I used to get upset about anything- I would run to him. He would hold me and make it all better, he would talk with me about it until I felt ok with it. Sometimes I never had to say anything- he would take one look at me and know that something was wrong- and he always knew just what to do to make it right. Now- he doesn't see the sadness and unhappiness written all over my face. If he hears me cry- he doesn't care. And just so that he doesn't disappoint me- I make sure to cry when he's not around.

He used to be gentle and kind, strong and courageous, he used to be a man, a man that I trusted my life with. A man that I felt safe and secure with. Now he's irritable and disrespectful, weak and cocky, and more then anything- I can't trust him as far as I can throw him. When he's home- all I feel is anxiety and fear. Fear that has weakened me, fear that he has put into me during many of his drug addicted rages. How can I ever feel safe with him again when he has caused me so much pain?

This is not the man I fell in love with so long ago, this man is not the best friend to me that he once was. This man is not my husband- he's a stranger.

LoveMeNow

Oh boy, I can relate!! The anxiety and fear were the worst for me. I didn't fear he would hurt me physically but I feared he would hurt me emotionally, financially and spiritually. I feared he would abandon me, although he already had. ALL my fears came true. Ya know what? My fears were nothing to fear after all. I am ok, I have been really blessed by some very wonderful people, and I know God is with me. There is nothing to fear now!!

Ann

My son became a stranger too, not even resembling the kind, caring, funny and loving person he used to be. Addiction stole his soul and no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it back.

I am sorry for your pain and sorry drugs ever came into any of our lives.

hugs

Kindeyes

Wow....the anguish in your post came through your words so powerfully. I think that's one of the most difficult parts of loving someone who is addicted......we knew a different person. It's the same body.....but something has changed so dramatically that they become a stranger.

I am sorry for your anguish. I hope and pray that you will be able to find some peace.

gentlest of hugs
ke

cheekie

My husband moved into the spare rooms in the back of the house sometime around mid December. Now I have this room mate that I barely know. This room mate who asks me if he has any socks or clean pants. I told him that it was never my custom to do laundry for a I room mate. He has moved every screen to his side of the house so that's where my kids go to hang out with him in his "APARTMENT". Then he gets annoyed because they watch"his" tv, and eat his skittles. He is 46 years old...I am at the end of my c odie rope. He doesn't sleep much except most of the day...hes freakishly tall and weighs 155 lbs. Im 5'2" and weigh 125. Scared ? Yes...Lonely? Yes...Bitter and angry? You betcha! Do I feel a little better now that I know im not the only one? Maybe a tad...but then I feel bad for all of us addict widows. Where does that get the collective us? A share at a meeting?

Ann

Your words touched my heart, Cheekie. It's very sad what addiction does to those we love.

L0stH0pe

i read and showed your post to my AH yesterday... i was in absolute tears, because you describe EXACTLY how im feeling..

Right now, im struggling with the same emotions cheekie is experiencing.. and honestly, i told my AH last night that i wasnt sure what *I* wanted from this marriage anymore.. maybe he has wounded me too deeply over the last few years for me to ever be able to let go of the hurt/pain/anger/resentment.. he said "but you HAVE to give me another chance" ... that got me spitting feathers.. "NO NO NO he** NO i DONT HAVE TO DO anything anymore.. im DONE doing.. its up to YOU now to prove yourself.. and even then i cant think of a way he could ever make it up to me, he could ever make this right again..

i am giving my medication time to kick in and when *I* am less fragile within myself, i will make an informed decision as to where i want to go with this marriage.. ive told him i needed professional help with sorting through these issues, but he agrees that we cant afford private counselling for me or us as a couple.. he put is far too deep into debt with his stupid addiction... so im left with my thoughts and resentment and rage and anger.. the new meds should take the edge off that, and give me some headspace to figure out what *I* really, truly want.

He is not the guy i fell in love with and who asked to marry me, he is not the man i thought he was.. he has abandoned me, lied to me, betrayed me.. he may as well have had an affair... i DONT KNOW this guy who claims to be my husband.. who promised to love and cherish me and then did exactly the opposite of his vows. Its sad as our wedding anniversary is coming up in april and you know what..i DONT want to celebrate, there is NOTHING to celebrate.. i dont know if i can fall in love with this stranger who has stolen into my home and marriage but not into my heart...

Im just not there yet to forgive him for what he has done.. but we are only one week into recovery (and hes already fallen on saturday) so really we are not even a week in...

im tired, im worn out, im exhausted.. im looking after ME for the time being.. he couldnt be bothered with ME for years and years and now he wants MY help and attention, sorry mate but im putting ME first from now on..

MLJ88

Thanks to everyone for the understanding in what I wrote. It's hard, and it hurts so bad.

Ann- you nailed it! Addiction does steal their soul- and it's slowly but surely stealing my husbands soul and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. That's the hardest part in realizing that im powerless to help him. And in the meantime I'm only hurting myself each day that I long for the past, for the man that I once knew.

I'm just so happy knowing that there are all of you good people on here who get it- and don't make me feel silly for being upset about things that I can't change.

MLJ88

I'm so sorry that you are feeling what I feel now- I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. But it helps to know that I'm not alone in this. Your right- you don't owe him anything- you owe yourself the respect that he didn't give you- something I'm still trying to repair in myself.

I truly hope that your husband stays on his path to recovery. But in the mean time- try to take care of yourself. And I'll try to do the same for myself.

tiredpartner

You have just put into words what i have been trying to for weeks. im a couple of years into this whole ordeal and wondering if im done, i cant live with the fact my partner has become a stranger, it hurts too much. im pregnant, never been filled with so much dread, anxiety and fear in my life and its not even my first baby. im looking to him to turn around and support me and coming to the realization that he isnt going to be able to do that.

i need to start focusing on me for sure... we all do, how can we help anyone else when we neglect ourselves thinking about someone else all the time!

MLJ88

Tired partner- I'm glad that I was able to write something that spoke to you. I'm sorry that you are here going through what so many of us are. I too am pregnant with my second child- so it looks like we have very similar stories. Having children make part of this so difficult- especially being pregnant. It makes us vulnerable because we want and need our spouses support- it's so very difficult. I don't know what your husbands DOC is- my AH abuses multiple pills, and he's a high functioning addict- so at times it causes me to be in denial of his addiction and I find myself second guessing what I know to be true ( I think that's why I end up staying). But like you, I am tired and at my wits end- and slowly working to sort this out for myself and trying to work on me and less on him.

I hope you find peace tiredpartner

tiredpartner

i too am sorry your in a similar position, i wouldnt wish this on anyone... its as bad as an affair in my eyes despite my AP thinking its not, the lies, the deceit, the secrecy all the same... hes just in a relationship with substances is all. my AP also abuses various opiate pills and heroin and is a functioning addict much the same as your husband and continually relapses.
i too am at the same point, dont know if its the pregnancy which has triggered it all but im starting to realise i cant put mine and my babies and kids health and happiness after his, i cant at this point focus and help on his recovery as i need to look after myself... despite this being a hard thing to do when you love the man so much!
i hate saying it because i know others would love to be pregnant like me, but at the minute im hating it all because like you said we are vulnerable and looking to our partners for safety and security, something mine cant offer any more and its extremely saddening.

i too hope you find peace MLJ, thanks for your reply and good luck in the coming months with your pregnancy, i hope it works out for us both... in fact for us all in the future... something has to give eventually.

EDIT
I should add also that right now hes looking at me to be positive to help aid his recovery, how can i be so positive when the future looks so bleak, we are supposed to be thinking about our baby, pushchairs, names etc and we are not, for the first time in 2 years im fairly depressed about the whole thing and trying to stay neutral for him... not expecting anything, this is putting a 'downer' on him apparently :/

Aleeg

My husband is addicted to Suboxone...has been for almost 10 years. Prior to that, it was pain killers. And prior to THAT, he was the person I fell in love with....but I'm beginning to forget who that person even was. I feel like his emotions are directed by the drugs - and yes, I do consider suboxone a drug. He is just as addicted to it as he was to the pain killers. He used to be so strong - physically and mentally. And funny! He used to swoop in and make things better. Now he sleeps and makes excuses. I feel very alone.

chicory

My heart hurts for all of you. It is so sad and unfair, and must be so very hard to decide whether to put this person out of your life or not.
May God bless each one of you.