808to918

Hello. My boyfriend and I live in different cities. We've known each other for 3 years yet I have just found out that he was heavily addicted to heroin many years before we met. He finally confessed that he had a slip-up after being clean for 11 years. I literally found out a few days ago and I'm still trying to process it. Without thinking, I immediately felt that I needed to help him in some way even though I am ignorant of all aspects of his condition. I've been reading a few articles and various forums that could help me understand better. Since we're living a way's away from each other, I can't help him keep busy nor go to meetings/counseling together. Is there anything I can read/do to help from afar? Any advice or information will be appreciated. I will keep an open mind.

L0stH0pe

hi im probably the worst person to answer your post atm as im in full flung hostility mode towards my lying, cheating, useless AH... but for what it's worth, ill try and tell you what i *would" have done had i known about AH's addictions...

i would have RUN a mile in the other direction.. i would have made ME the priority and looked out for ME.. i would have stayed away from the tangle and the hurt that addiction brings along with it.

I think the best thing you can do, if you decide to go ahead with a relationship with this guy, is to put very strong boundaries into place, to protect yourself. Keep a clear distance, in your head and your heart, between YOU and HIM and his addiction. Be prepared to always be secondbest to his love of opiates. Be prepared to be lied to, stolen from, betrayed and hurt... be prepared and maybe you can head off some of the insanity that im experiencing at the moment.

Leopards dont change spots, abusers dont stop abusing and addicts (unless they actively work on recovery) keep on using from what i have learned over the couple of weeks ive been here.

good luck

KeepinItReal

YOu can read through others posts - like mine - and get a preview from the cycle that your life can be.

I'm married to a heroin addict. He's finally in a long-term treatment facility 14 months long to get the help he needs. This is a positive thing - believe it or not. We have two kids together and their is plenty of HELL I went through. Now, being a single mom, taking care of everything myself is my reality.

In my own experience, my husband never was able to quit on his own. He tried many many many times. It was a vicious cycle... and the risk for him to relapse is still there even after the program. It will always be there.

You can read through others wives and girlfriends stories on here. But, you should know that this is a life long affliction and most people think they are immune to the tragedy that addiction brings until your living it. Car wrecks, things stolen, people getting hurt.... the emotional pain it causes children from both the abuser and the helpers.

Protect yourself.

808to918

Thank you for your advice! I have read a few threads about being the wife/girlfriend of an addict. Most say that it's different for a girlfriend especially in my situation because it's easier to choose to walk away since marriage and blood doesn't bind us. I admit I'm naive but I just can't walk away without trying. My boyfriend and I talked it out and he understands that I could just break up with him if he worsens. At the moment, he's doing fine. He told me his slip-up was a bad trip and doesn't want to go there ever again but I know it's a matter of time cravings will lure him back to square one. I have never given him money nor has he asked for any. I will take your advice and keep it close in mind when it's time to cross that bridge. Much thanks for your words of wisdom/experience and I'm so sorry you had to go through the ordeals of loving an addict. Thank you for caring for me too Aloha

Ann

Welcome to SR.

I am the mother of an addicted adult son who has been in and out of recovery for almost 20 years.

I encourage you to take a good read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and then decide what you want for your life.

I am glad to hear you are protecting your money. Whatever you choose to do, please take very good care of yourself first, lest you lose yourself to his addiction just as so many of us have done with our loved ones.

Hugs

808to918

Thank you, Ann. I'm trying not to take on too much at once that I needlessly stress about something that is out of my control. We're going to discuss his progress (hopefully) tomorrow. Everybody is different so I'm just taking things one day at a time but also educating myself how to help him (while protecting myself). Everything in SR is helpful. It comforts me that people here in SR are so welcoming and are willing to tell me the truth. It's scary but I'm willing to try. Thank you all so much. Mahalo

Txhelp

There isn't much that you can do for him. His recovery is HIS recovery.....It's up to him to maintain it with or without you and your support.

However, you can learn about setting boundaries and maybe read some literature; books; SR stories. It helps to educate yourself.

It sounds like you are already on your way.

It's scary...my husband relapsed after 13 years. It changes the person that you think they are....he is in recovery now but really I don't think I'd get into a relationship again with someone with a long history of drug addiction.

Take care...

808to918

Thank you, Txhelp. My boyfriend and I talked about it. He was open to any questions I had. It wasn't pretty but we are on the same page. He is fully aware that he was weak and that he should get help. I'm very proud of him that he was the one who called for help. He called a family member hundreds of miles away to take him to rehab.

edenchai

I wish I could say if I had known I would have run. But I found out not too long after my ex and I started dating that he was an active addict and I stayed because he was willing to go to rehab. And he did get clean for awhile...
Life with an addict is a roller coaster. and it IS life long, even they chose recovery. Those that work the NA program successfully work it for the rest of their lives. 20 years clean, 25, they still go to meetings because that's how strong addiction is.
To your advantage is that he's been clean for a very long time and a slip does NOT mean a relapse. It's all about the choices they make after it happens...and it sounds like he is looking for help. But here is also where you have to be cautious. Addicts are very good liars. Very good manipulators. And though they may seem honest and truthful, if he is in active addiction, he may be successful at hiding it from you.
Only you know what's in your heart and what and how much you're willing to deal with. But always remember that aside from being supportive in his recovery, there is nothing else you can do for him. He has to do it all himself. And never forget YOU have to come first. No matter what. No matter how much you want to be with him. No matter how much you love him. This disease is a soul sucker....and not just for the addict. Be cautious. Be careful. And good luck in this journey XX

L0stH0pe

well it looks like he at least opened up to you and is saying he is willing to get himself sorted.. saying is NOT doing where addicts are concerned. Ive been there with my AH, he has numerous unsuccessful "selfrecoveries" under his belt @_@

I would say to you, wait and see which rehab he gets into. edenchai is right, if he heads down the NA or AA way, it will be a life sentence so to speak, however, if he chooses a secular treatment facility, the message is quite different. I was totallly freaked out to start with when i started reading here about NA/AA and i was like "LIFE? heck no im not doing THAT .. his addiction has already stolen so many years from us" I went along to his treatment center and spoke to the counsellors there and it turns out that no, they dont look at it like a lifelong process. They teach him cbt, meditation and at the moment control his withdrawals with chemicals that will be tapered off at an agreed schedule.

I much prefer their prognosis of saying we have x amount of people who have been through our doors and were off the sub in y weeks, then attended counselling and support for z months and have now bee clean for xyz years. That is much more positive and promising to me than both of us looking at his addiction as a lifelong disease.. his counsellor agrees with me (and so does AH) that his using was a choice, that choice turned into a physical dependency that even his own will couldn't override..

Maybe if your AF is looking into one of the alternative routes you can read up on it and see if that sounds more doable and more acceptable to you?

I remember coming here with NO hope, that turned into a "little bit of hope" and now, that i have found and been given access to the F+F side of AH's program i am having "some" hope that maybe, just maybe my marriage can be saved and we will be able to go on and live a normal life when he beats his dependency.

808to918

Wow thank you for the insight. I'm still learning more about the terms that come up like the acronyms (i.e. AH, AF, etc.) and terminology for everything here. Additionally, it hasn't crossed my mind what kind of program he is in. I only know he is an outpatient for now and he attends meetings regularly. He has told me that it's something he will always have to live with and that now he has to relearn how to cope with it. As for the manipulative part, I admit I'm very vulnerable but I haven't seen any red flags yet. Learning about your very different experiences has really opened up my eyes and I am grateful I have responses to this thread that I could take with me. If you have any more to say, I very much welcome it I will be reading more around as well

KeepinItReal

The truth is - no matter what recovery program / or lack of one - it's their choice. There isn't a one size fits all fix. For some it's NA, for some church, counseling, therapy, medication, hobbies, moving.... nothing has a guarantee.
I was an addict... and my recovery was personal. I Had to and still have to busy myself and keep myself out of certain social situations. I didn't use a program... I was successful using suboxine and then cutting all old friends and some family out. It meant no cable, and a lot of journalism, reading, alone time, and self-affirmations. Changing my inner voice.
Yet, it's lifelong. I still get urges... and I hate drugs!

Firefall

What is true is that it is with them always. What was a surprise to me that after 5 years with my RA/sister, it is an everyday battle for me to try to stay balanced. To deal with the loss I feel, because the relationship I wanted with my sister will never be what I wanted or expected, because you have to stay emotionally detached. They will tell you what you want to hear, what they need to believe and mean it until they don't. Loving and living with an addict active or is a gift of sacrifice that may or may not be noticed or appreciated.
Use wisdom when deciding what to do.

808to918

Thank you for your input! I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything, realizing what I'm really getting myself into but I appreciate the support I've been welcomed with (through warnings and concern, too) while supporting my boyfriend with his recovery. Nothing like the blunt, raw truths to keep my feet on the ground. Again, thank you all so much for opening to me and sharing your wisdom.