How we hurt those we love....
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
I'm so glad that so many of you get this. The really sad part.....is that I suspect that many don't get it.....or they feel the need to make excuses for their own behavior or minimize it and don't take personal accountability.
And really.....isn't that exactly what the addict is often accused of doing?
hugs
ke
And really.....isn't that exactly what the addict is often accused of doing?
hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I love this thread. It is all about taking responsibility for ourselves and our own behavior.
I do realize now that I was just as unhealthy as my separated AH for tolerating the behavior and accepting emotional, physical and verbal abuse. This whole experience has made me seriously take my own inventory because if I don't and don't try to make changes or be a better person, I will undoubtedly repeat the same mistakes of the past.
Because of my own unhealthy desire to "help" separated AH, I have caused so much pain to myself, my children, the people who love me, etc. i could cringe thinking about how self-serving I was in only worrying about my relationship with AH. Forgiving myself has been the biggest challenge for me.
I do realize now that I was just as unhealthy as my separated AH for tolerating the behavior and accepting emotional, physical and verbal abuse. This whole experience has made me seriously take my own inventory because if I don't and don't try to make changes or be a better person, I will undoubtedly repeat the same mistakes of the past.
Because of my own unhealthy desire to "help" separated AH, I have caused so much pain to myself, my children, the people who love me, etc. i could cringe thinking about how self-serving I was in only worrying about my relationship with AH. Forgiving myself has been the biggest challenge for me.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 123
Thank you for this post kind eyes. Boy did it put me in check today as I'm feeling sorry for myself.
More then anyone- I have hurt my sister. I have an amazing family- 2 great parents, 2 wonderful sisters. But my oldest sister and I have have always been best friends. She has always looked out for me, taken me under her wing- given me nothing but unconditional love. She knew my husband before I knew him- she warned me that he was not the man for me- but I was very young and very much "in love" so I ignored her. I told her she didn't understand "our love." I pushed her away to be with him. And years later- here I am with a man that was no good for me- just like she said. Struggling to fight for a marriage that is so broken it may never be repaired. A mother to his child- pregnant with another. Alone. Alone because I choose a man that looked good, talked good, smelt good, and promised me he world. When all I needed was right infront of me- my family.
The worst part- I live this struggle in the dark. I know I can call my parents, my sisters, my older sister- and tell them everything. But I don't- I just keep pushing them away on fear that they will find out too much about him. I fake a happy marriage to all of them.
To this day- me and my sister are no longer best friends. I owe her a huge apology and long explanation.
More then anyone- I have hurt my sister. I have an amazing family- 2 great parents, 2 wonderful sisters. But my oldest sister and I have have always been best friends. She has always looked out for me, taken me under her wing- given me nothing but unconditional love. She knew my husband before I knew him- she warned me that he was not the man for me- but I was very young and very much "in love" so I ignored her. I told her she didn't understand "our love." I pushed her away to be with him. And years later- here I am with a man that was no good for me- just like she said. Struggling to fight for a marriage that is so broken it may never be repaired. A mother to his child- pregnant with another. Alone. Alone because I choose a man that looked good, talked good, smelt good, and promised me he world. When all I needed was right infront of me- my family.
The worst part- I live this struggle in the dark. I know I can call my parents, my sisters, my older sister- and tell them everything. But I don't- I just keep pushing them away on fear that they will find out too much about him. I fake a happy marriage to all of them.
To this day- me and my sister are no longer best friends. I owe her a huge apology and long explanation.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 73
And the people I left out of my OP are.....the addicts. They hurt me.....I hurt them right back. They lied. I accused and ranted. They used. I shamed and blamed. They manipulated. I fought fire with fire and manipulated right back. They "disappeared". I went through their stuff to find "evidence" while they were MIA. They presented ridiculous arguments. I actually argued with them! They said awful things to me. I said awful things right back
I know how much I hurt my family but not until the very end which was 3 1/2 years into my relationship. Like the addict hurts their loved ones, I was doing the same. My family begged me to not go back but I always did. I watched my mother cry because she was in so much fear of what would happen to my life and my child's life if I stayed. I stayed. I watched my sister allow the addict back into her life as a friend because of me only to have him betray her trust again. Finally I had this person I claimed i "loved" file a bogus CPS claim on me which means I could have shattered my little girl's life.
Of course, I blamed him all for it but no one held me hostage. It's taken me three months of no contact to be able to admit all of this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Sometimes....we get so caught up in how we've been hurt, lied to, manipulated, etc., that we just sit around and swap horror stories. Beyond knowing that we are not alone, there is really very little reward in that activity.
Recognizing our own issues does not mean that there is "something terribly wrong" with us and the addict was right when they called us "crazy". It does not minimize or excuse the shenanigans of the addict in our lives. But I do believe that we can stay trapped in our own despair indefinitely if we look only at our own pain and look to others for sympathy.
And (look out...duck now) when I speak of my own codependence, I am not EVER suggesting that someone else is codependent. But I have seen people go into the "I AM NOT CODEPENDENT" mode so often on this forum that it is really.....really....interesting. There is no shame in being codependent. There is no shame in making mistakes. There is no shame in acknowledging our own weakness (and strengths). There is no shame in acknowledging that we have been hurt and have hurt others. Part of the beauty of human beings is our ability to reinvent ourselves.
I love that about people. We all have the right to change. Isn't that cool?
gentle hugs
ke
Recognizing our own issues does not mean that there is "something terribly wrong" with us and the addict was right when they called us "crazy". It does not minimize or excuse the shenanigans of the addict in our lives. But I do believe that we can stay trapped in our own despair indefinitely if we look only at our own pain and look to others for sympathy.
And (look out...duck now) when I speak of my own codependence, I am not EVER suggesting that someone else is codependent. But I have seen people go into the "I AM NOT CODEPENDENT" mode so often on this forum that it is really.....really....interesting. There is no shame in being codependent. There is no shame in making mistakes. There is no shame in acknowledging our own weakness (and strengths). There is no shame in acknowledging that we have been hurt and have hurt others. Part of the beauty of human beings is our ability to reinvent ourselves.
I love that about people. We all have the right to change. Isn't that cool?
gentle hugs
ke
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