cynical one

What does "supporting" an addict in recovery mean to you?

KeepinItReal

Supporting my AH in his recovery means
1.)Telling him that he should stay in rehab.
2.)Buying him essentials and some extra stuff. examples would be candy, mints, cough drops, vitamins... mostly food and convenient items.
3.)Staying positive and supportive of him and going to all family gatherings and church events.
4.) Helping myself, most important!

L0stH0pe

being lied to, being walked all over, being taken for a fool all with the blessing of some addiction worker...

sorry im feeling raw and cynical today after finding out that AH was in fact using up until yesterday when hes been swearing blind to me that hes been clean since february and that i was paranoid and "how could he ever get better if i didnt support him" ....

i dont know im probably going to get another handslap for this post but im so ANGRY and frustrated and fed up and emotionally drained and all the other negative things you can conjure up..

maybe in our case its time to start supporting him by chucking him out and letting him sleep in the park..

cece1960

Sometimes that's the most difficult, loving and suppotive thing you can do...

AnvilheadII

respecting the challenges they face and then ALLOWING them to face them.

understanding my HELP isn't needed....recovery is between the addict and the drugs, learning how to quit and then STAY quit.

continuing to live a good and decent life, one that the addict can join me in.........or not.

staying about as "involved" in their recovery as i would if they joined the gym. it's up to THEM to go, do, be, participate. not my job to REMIND them where the gym is, or bind them with duct tape and deposit them AT the gym. i can't lift weights FOR them. it's completely out of my hands. i will most likely empty out the gym bag and wash the stinky stuff, but i'm not going to the car to get it FOR THEM.

Firefall

I am still trying to understand what that means. So far It is not working for me.
Being supportive and loving my RA/sis results in no changes in her behavior. She may be sober, but she has an excuse why she is not involved with family, why you can't talk with her, why she's acting like a brain dead zombie.
Everyone else needs to understand her, but she is unable to understand us because RAd are different, special.
Me too, I am worn out by what I consider exceptional BS. and I feel awful for feeling this way.

bluebelle

Support is not playing God -- not giving advice, not knowing what is best for him, not telling him how he should live his life. Support is taking care of myself. Support is living my life--going out with friends, focusing on work/school--doing what I need for me.

Kindeyes

Great question.....if someone asked me this question several times over the last several years.....I'm sure my answer would have morphed from......

Long ago.....support meant doing anything and everything within my power to try to get my AS to stop using drugs (including but not limited to whining, cajoling, manipulating, resenting, guilting, monitoring, interrogating, "discussing", bailing him out, and spending ridiculous amounts of money). (yes.....very unhealthy "support")

to......

Today.....simply to love him. To pay more attention to MY behavior and reactions than I do to his. Live and let live. Maintain healthy boundaries. Say what I mean, mean what I say and don't say it mean.

Regardless whether my son is in active addiction or not, our relationship is better today than it has been in a very, very long time. I have no idea whether he is actively using--saw him a couple of times last week--he did not appear to be high or jonesing and looked in good health. He is living his life.

I have let go and let God....it is between him and his concept of God.

Firefall

Kindeyes. I just don't get it yet. It seems the goal is to be ok with having a Sort of relationship", I guess I am really missing something.

Firefall

Oh BTW great topic... someone told me recently information is power

Lovenjoy

Great thread CO, I'm really looking forward to some input on this as I am only just beginning to detach from RAS's addiction and my addiction to his addiction. I really could use any and all help in learning how to support the recovery process without taking over. Right now it seems to be more about what I don't do which is the support I give: I don't call to check on him. I don't check phone calls and messages. I don't 'future trip' about his problems. I don't stay awake worrying. I don't think/talk about his problems endlessly. I don't check/look for drug use evidence. I stay alert but don't obsess.

Some things I do in direct support:

• He has a place to live and food to eat. (I was going to say this was no big deal but it is a huge deal. If he wasn't dealing with surgery and medical issues AND working recovery I would have a bigger problem with this. I also consider it temporary, hopefully…)
• By taking my focus off him and putting it on my own wellbeing I am giving him new respect and a vote of confidence that he will do what he needs to do.
• I drive him to and from meetings, counseling and doctor appointments when needed. (he is getting a network of rides going)
• I tell him everyday I love him.
• I pray everyday that he will be guided to do the next right thing.
• I am very open about my own recovery work and open the door for him to share. I now can just listen, no advise criticism or opinion. (mostly!)
• I expect him to take care of his own needs as much as possible and have learned to say no. As a full sentence! No discussion no drama.
• I bite my lip whenever I have the urge to jump into his hula hoop!!!
• And when I sincerely believe he has fallen off the beam I forcefully remind him that I will support recovery and only recovery.

Wow. That was kinda fun CO! I know I have a long way to go. As does he. Very deep dangerous waters being swum in right now. My head gets twisted up by this often. Learning to live in the day and turn all of it over to my HP. When I can successfully do that I gain some optimism about his recovery. I think the hardest part is accepting that it is a process not a fix it get it done thing. It will impact his life forever and has changed mine forever. But I am seeing what I consider Ann's (first one I heard say this) strangely wrapped gifts. We will both be better people who enjoy life in a fuller way as we embrace our recoveries.

L0stH0pe

but how can i possibly love someone who so blatantly doesnt love ME or gives me the respect I deserve?? AH is asking me to make a decision to trust him NOW, today, after i found out that hes only been clean TWO DAYS... hes whining that im letting him "hang".. well, youve let me hang for our entire marriage, surely im now allowed to take some time to decide what is best for ME for a change rather than everything and everyone always revolving around you and your chosen addictions.

Lovenjoy

LostHope - I'm so sorry you are so upset. I have found it very hard not to get caught up in the immediacy of my addict's questions and demands. Just yesterday he was harping for an answer to a question and I told him I do not have to answer right this second. I said it calmly and it was liberating as going with my needs not my addict's wants is very new. It is also an addict tactic, conscious or not, to get an answer when we are harried and upset. I think they figure they'll get what they want if we don't think first?

Take the time you need to process. Answer his wants in your own time. Find what you need for you. JMHO

AnvilheadII

but how can i possibly love someone who so blatantly doesnt love ME or gives me the respect I deserve?? AH is asking me to make a decision to trust him NOW, today, after i found out that hes only been clean TWO DAYS...

you have more issues going on there than JUST someone being IN recovery...you have a lot of basic relationship issues as well....trust or lack thereof....love or lack thereof....pent up anger, lots of lies, poor treatment. you have to get clarity on where you stand with ALL of it before you can "offer" any "support" - and since we are talking RECOVERY, you'd have to see some signs of someone really giving it their all. which you do not.

AnvilheadII

Being supportive and loving my RA/sis results in no changes in her behavior.

that's not the intention to CHANGE anyone else's behavior. how you choose to act towards your sister should in no way be done to influence or manipulate how she acts. but you get to choose how you treat her, how close you let her in your life, and how much of her antics you allow to have an effect on your life.

if you think it's BS, then for you it's BS. don't try to CHANGE her, won't work. if she doesn't have time for family, that's ok, cuz that is HER decision. if she is demanding special treatment YOU do not have to give it to her. just let her be.

grateful6982

For me, supporting my RAH means:

1. trusting that he is working as hard as he can to maintain sobriety
2. having my personal boundaries in place and known to both of us
3. feeling confident that those boundaries will hold if he relapses

I feel like I need to support myself and that, in turn, will make me better able to support my husband.

Vale

Paying respect to their spirit by doing the hardest possible
thing........refusing to pour any more gasoline on the fire that is
destroying them

----come what may.

Firefall

I feel the truth in what is being said here. I realize I don't trust my RA/sis because she has not been trustworthy in her actions and speech. So now I have to make choices, that I feel unqualified to make. I know what I don't want but not what I do want.
Need to learn more, because it does not seem possible the A is the whole problem and that they are 100% wrong 100% of the time. But it feels like that to me. Auggh

riverviewchick

I have been going back and forth with my boyfriend all day (for years really)about putting my foot down. Telling him he has to go, we are done and his drug addiction is the main cause. It broke our trust and changed our relationship. I have pointed out to him this is a lifelong pattern of getting clean for awhile then bringing drugs back into his life even when he claims things were as good as they had ever been (when we first got together). He is laying the guilt on strong. In fact here is an excerpt from his last email:
Yhea sounds like love and support.
Guess what I can not do pcp or pot or pills only issue I developed was coke why?
Because anyone who does it to much would get addicted.
Ive heard and saw you had enough in constant text and arguments of late its why I was finally going to admit its an issue and try and stop for me you and us because I finally agreed and admitted my problem and whats its done to us and than when I do you want to dump me and thats love babe?
Love would be trying to help the one you live conquer something so hard together and having enough sense to know its hard and while trying to quit
I WOULD BE MOODY AND ARGUMENTATIVE AND GROUCHY SO BE HONEST WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER IF YOU CARE TO OR YA CAN KICK ME TO THE CURB AND RUN AWAY. THAT **** STOLE OUR PRIDE OUR REAL PERSONALITY AND DROVE US APPART I AGREE AND IT CHANGED BOTH OF US FOR THE WORST. AFTER I LEAVE IT SHOWS YOU DIDNT CARE ENOUGH TO TRY EVEN TBOUGH YOU KNOW THE PROBLEM SO ID NEVER EVEN TRY AGAIN KNOWING YOUR WAYS OF IF THINGS GOT RUFF YOU WOUKD DO THIS AGAIN OR KNOWING YOU WILL ALWAYS WANT TOTAL CONTROL OF LIVING SITUATION.
EITHER JOIN ME I TRYING TO BEAT THIS THING AS A TEAM AND PARTNERS OR LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT IT UNDERSTAND?
I have to admit I am so weak when he starts this. Am I right to say no I will not stand around waiting and hoping when I have two children to concentrate on? I feel really harsh and mean even after reading the sticky and knowing this will be a lifelong battle. Am I giving up on him?

Firefall

.....to influence or manipulate how she acts.

could it be? expectations? I can't stand the suffering she inflicts on herself because it hurts ME. It tells me I have failed, I coulda, shoulda, woulda...

Is it possible the ant in the ant hill does not need me to guide him?