LoveMeNow

Well......I did it!! I went and saw my husband or soon to be ex husband I should say. I don't know why either. The whole ride over there I knew I was making a huge mistake but like a moth to a flame (or like an addict seeking out their fix) I kept going.

He was detoxing, I was worried blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I have no idea why I went. I think there are several reasons why I went, I just don't know of any good/sane ones.

It really set me back all day! Did I want to cause myself more pain? What was I thinking?!?!?

So as I tried to regain my balance, I kept thinking "what's the lesson in this?? It won't be a total loss if you learn from it."

His new condo was gorgeous and nicely decorated. It stung a lot to see so much of "our" life there. I felt angry, sad and yet relieved too. As he pleaded with me to forgive him, "support" him, and move in with him....... I knew in my heart, I would never trust him again. And without trust, there can be no love.

And then it happened late afternoon....he started texting me and I ignored him. When he couldn't get me to respond.....he starting using God to try and manipulate me. That was it!! I blocked him!

Maybe, just maybe, I needed that visit to remind myself once again that I am making the right choice, to accept that it is really over and to remind myself, all that glitters is not gold.

He still knows how to take "good" care of him, now I must do the same and I am ready!!

Koos

The moth to flame eventually the moth flies into the flame. In divorce unlike death it is not a complete separation, do not refer to visits, but weddings funerals etc, where it is unavoidable to meet and then it is best to be civil.
The closing sentence says it. Accept what is and look after yourself. Make yourself the priority in your life.

Vale

You will prevail, LMN.

Ann

Under the pretty condo and lovely decor...the addiction still lives, hiding behind that lamp in the corner or maybe under the chair by the window. But it's there, dressed nicely to blend in so you won't notice how ugly it is.

For his sake, I pray he does find recovery and hang on to it. I'd wish that for any addict.

For you, I wish beautiful days ahead, wonderful new beginnings and one day some way for you to find peace with all this.

Hugs

Kindeyes

I think it was a test of your own resolve. You are feeling a bit stronger every day and sometimes.....we want to test that strength to see if it's real. I think you proved to yourself (and perhaps to him as well) that you are strong in your desire to take care of yourself. And that's ok.

hugs
ke

hopeful4

I agree with Kindeyes. It was a test, see it as such...you passed!

And while you went you saw that is now who YOU are anymore! Good for you!

Sending you proud hugs XXX!

LoveMeNow

Exactly!! I thought the same thing.

It's like living with a rattle snake. It's not a matter of if I get bit, it's only a matter of when. Yeah, I don't like snakes.

Vale

Do I ever wish that the possibility for this awful thing still existed?

No. And the truth is (that I would never tell a soul in real life) ...one
of the primary emotions I felt when I got the news was...

.....relief.


I don't like snakes either. And I ESPECIALLY don't like them in a porta-potty
that I have to go to at midnight!

Addiction is the stuff of nightmares.

BlueChair

Dont look back, move forward and file for divorce. If there is no trust, no love then there is no marriage IMO and you should both be free to move on and create new lives apart from each other. If he needs to contact you then he can do it through your attorney for any business matters left open.

LoveMeNow

Well....it's been a long week and I am still trying to find my balance after such a stupid decision to go see him. I still have no idea what I was thinking. I would really like to blame it on a bad case of PMS that I didn't realize I had.

Blocking him has been very difficult too. I feel like I just really miss him but I think I am more "jonsing." To be honest, I still liked his texts with all his "I am sorry, I love you and even his...I am miserable without you." How insane is that??

Why though? Why would I still enjoy those texts from someone whose actions didn't match his words? Was I still finding my self worth from him? Was I looking for him to ease my pain? Talk about going to an empty well for water.

I feel so messed up this week. Any insight would be appreciated!!

Kindeyes

Yup....that's our crack.