Smoke and mirrors
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Smoke and mirrors
I have been through the cycle of drug abuse with my husband for years now in hopes that he will get better and we can have a better life.
I recently discovered some items missing; his computer, our family camera etc. When I questioned him he said they were at his moms house and I knew this was a lie.
He ended up leaving a week ago and is staying with his enabler mother. We spoke last night for the first time in a week and his initial response was to deny the drug abuse but when there was too much evidence to deny he blamed me and the kids for his drug abuse.
He's not happy living at home with me and the kids because I read to and lay down with the kids at night for a cuddle. That was his reason. I lack parenting skills because of this bedtime routine and I need help. He's also not happy because I'm too tired to spend time with him: I'm the one who pays all of the bills and often work 12 hour days to do so while he's out doing whatever. It's the fault of me and the kids that he uses. If he were happier at home he would be less likely to use. He told me that using crack is not the issue that hurts our relationship. It's me as a wife and mother that's hurting our relationship. Says he resents the kids for taking time away from him and our wedding vows say "forsaking all others" and that includes the kids. He's not happy with us and doesn't want to come back. That's a first- he gets all of his bills paid and all of his food made and I have no idea what he's done with his wages. All he has to put up with is my confronting him when I feel like he's messing up.
I work my ass off and take care of everyone as best as I can. He also tried to say that my occasional glass of wine is comparable to his crack use and if he lived in Columbia where coke was cheap, he wouldn't need to pawn his **** and if wine were more expensive I would hock things too. I would never hock anything for a glass of wine.
He also says that I make him feel like **** all the time. I think he makes himself feel like **** when he has to face me or fess up to a lie. I will say that I am the only one who will confront him about lying and using and pawning our things. The only other person in his life is his mother and she pretends like he's not doing anything wrong ever- after he's pawned her tv before.
I actually started to believe that I was part of the problem. He's a manipulator and is very good at it. Please help me. Does he actually believe that my wife and mothering skills are an issue and a bigger issue than crack use? I do the best I can for everyone. I don't party, drink or go out. I really don't even have any friends. I spend all of my time working and caring for then family. I'm just not sure where to go from here, mentally and emotionally.
I was feeling pretty strong and determined until I had this conversation with him. Then after speaking to him I became as insane and unstable as he was. Anxiety ridden and so unsure about my efforts. The house has been so much calmer aside from my internal pain. Please give me some words of help and wisdom.
I recently discovered some items missing; his computer, our family camera etc. When I questioned him he said they were at his moms house and I knew this was a lie.
He ended up leaving a week ago and is staying with his enabler mother. We spoke last night for the first time in a week and his initial response was to deny the drug abuse but when there was too much evidence to deny he blamed me and the kids for his drug abuse.
He's not happy living at home with me and the kids because I read to and lay down with the kids at night for a cuddle. That was his reason. I lack parenting skills because of this bedtime routine and I need help. He's also not happy because I'm too tired to spend time with him: I'm the one who pays all of the bills and often work 12 hour days to do so while he's out doing whatever. It's the fault of me and the kids that he uses. If he were happier at home he would be less likely to use. He told me that using crack is not the issue that hurts our relationship. It's me as a wife and mother that's hurting our relationship. Says he resents the kids for taking time away from him and our wedding vows say "forsaking all others" and that includes the kids. He's not happy with us and doesn't want to come back. That's a first- he gets all of his bills paid and all of his food made and I have no idea what he's done with his wages. All he has to put up with is my confronting him when I feel like he's messing up.
I work my ass off and take care of everyone as best as I can. He also tried to say that my occasional glass of wine is comparable to his crack use and if he lived in Columbia where coke was cheap, he wouldn't need to pawn his **** and if wine were more expensive I would hock things too. I would never hock anything for a glass of wine.
He also says that I make him feel like **** all the time. I think he makes himself feel like **** when he has to face me or fess up to a lie. I will say that I am the only one who will confront him about lying and using and pawning our things. The only other person in his life is his mother and she pretends like he's not doing anything wrong ever- after he's pawned her tv before.
I actually started to believe that I was part of the problem. He's a manipulator and is very good at it. Please help me. Does he actually believe that my wife and mothering skills are an issue and a bigger issue than crack use? I do the best I can for everyone. I don't party, drink or go out. I really don't even have any friends. I spend all of my time working and caring for then family. I'm just not sure where to go from here, mentally and emotionally.
I was feeling pretty strong and determined until I had this conversation with him. Then after speaking to him I became as insane and unstable as he was. Anxiety ridden and so unsure about my efforts. The house has been so much calmer aside from my internal pain. Please give me some words of help and wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
hi, welcome to SR .. i didnt want to read and run, i am too new at all this to give you any solid, worthwhile advice but i'm sure "the pros" will be here soon to give you some great advice!
i have been where you are, down to the enabling mother and doing ok for an entire week w/o him just for it all to come crashing down around me after ONE conversation. Yup, we pretty much let ourselves be manipulated to that point.
I doubt for one second that you are lacking anything in the parenting/spousal department! From what i read, i see a person who loves her children, wants establish a good bedtime routine and who is married to an addict. We try (through necessity) to do it all.. then it is thrown back in our faces as a really below the belt excuse/reason/explanation for why the addict uses. It is NEVER YOUR fault that your husband is addicted, that is on HIM and him alone. You and i dont have the power to "make them use", THEY use because they do. It is an almost incomprehensible lesson to learn, but im getting there slowly and you will too..
There are some great posts on the main subforum page called "stickies"... some of them hit home so hard, i can barely breath, i think you are in a good place here and you have taken the first step to looking after YOU!
i have been where you are, down to the enabling mother and doing ok for an entire week w/o him just for it all to come crashing down around me after ONE conversation. Yup, we pretty much let ourselves be manipulated to that point.
I doubt for one second that you are lacking anything in the parenting/spousal department! From what i read, i see a person who loves her children, wants establish a good bedtime routine and who is married to an addict. We try (through necessity) to do it all.. then it is thrown back in our faces as a really below the belt excuse/reason/explanation for why the addict uses. It is NEVER YOUR fault that your husband is addicted, that is on HIM and him alone. You and i dont have the power to "make them use", THEY use because they do. It is an almost incomprehensible lesson to learn, but im getting there slowly and you will too..
There are some great posts on the main subforum page called "stickies"... some of them hit home so hard, i can barely breath, i think you are in a good place here and you have taken the first step to looking after YOU!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Of course none of this is your fault. Blaming you is part of his denial that he alone is responsible for his bad choices and refusal to do anything about it.
He will probably steal from his mother too, my son did. So his time there may be limited and don't be surprised if he plays on your mercy to come back and try again...it would give him yet another soft place to land. If that happens, perhaps suggest that a rehab might be the best place for him to find comfort...and sobriety.
This must be a very hard time for you, my prayers go out for you and your children.
Hugs
He will probably steal from his mother too, my son did. So his time there may be limited and don't be surprised if he plays on your mercy to come back and try again...it would give him yet another soft place to land. If that happens, perhaps suggest that a rehab might be the best place for him to find comfort...and sobriety.
This must be a very hard time for you, my prayers go out for you and your children.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
You haven't done a darn thing wrong.
I don't think I would let this person back in the house if he is able to undermine your
peace and security with his manipulations and is actively using.
You don't need another child, especially one who steals and lies, to care for.
The idea of rehab really sounds like a much better choice for him.
What choices do you see for yourself? What do you think might help
both in the short term and longer term for you to find peace and security?
I don't think I would let this person back in the house if he is able to undermine your
peace and security with his manipulations and is actively using.
You don't need another child, especially one who steals and lies, to care for.
The idea of rehab really sounds like a much better choice for him.
What choices do you see for yourself? What do you think might help
both in the short term and longer term for you to find peace and security?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
F.O.G. (fear, obligation, and guilt) are tools that the addict uses to keep us confused (and in a FOG of self doubt) and to take the spotlight off of them. Why do they do it? Because it works.
Take care of you and the kids.
gentle hugs
ke
Take care of you and the kids.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I call this the Manipulators Blame Game. They do whatever they can to make you look bad so they don't have to change a thing. It is truly a coping mechanism in their own screwed up heads. See it for what it is, total BS.
You won't want to hear this, but you are much better off that he wants to leave. It sounds as though he were another child for you to take care of, I totally understand, I had one of those on my hands until just recently!
Once he starts pawning his mother's stuff she may see things a bit differently, but maybe not. You should not worry with that, just take good care of you and your children.
Hugs.
You won't want to hear this, but you are much better off that he wants to leave. It sounds as though he were another child for you to take care of, I totally understand, I had one of those on my hands until just recently!
Once he starts pawning his mother's stuff she may see things a bit differently, but maybe not. You should not worry with that, just take good care of you and your children.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
crack has messed up his head. he's talking pure CRAZY. don't buy a single word of it. NONE OF IT.
he's right tho...having responsibilities like a family - wife, KIDS - a job, all that stuff really gets in the way of dedicated crack smoking. real buzz kill.
you don't need a drug addict who resents HIS OWN CHILDREN and pawns things out of your HOME. now that he's out, keep him out. as he stated, now that he doesn't have to bother with all ya'll, he should be JUST FINE. well good for him.
it's time to get serious and think of your next steps. what you need to do to protect yourself, your finances, possessions and the children's future. he HAS his mommy........
he's right tho...having responsibilities like a family - wife, KIDS - a job, all that stuff really gets in the way of dedicated crack smoking. real buzz kill.
you don't need a drug addict who resents HIS OWN CHILDREN and pawns things out of your HOME. now that he's out, keep him out. as he stated, now that he doesn't have to bother with all ya'll, he should be JUST FINE. well good for him.
it's time to get serious and think of your next steps. what you need to do to protect yourself, your finances, possessions and the children's future. he HAS his mommy........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Yeah- he already pawned her tv last year and sold his brothers trailer, for which the mom bought the brother a new trailer with her disability income...really?
And she says about this latest episode "it's just a tough time for him right now" not, let's get him to rehab so he can get better....
It's never going to stop is it? Do crack users ever stop? Is it possible?
And she says about this latest episode "it's just a tough time for him right now" not, let's get him to rehab so he can get better....
It's never going to stop is it? Do crack users ever stop? Is it possible?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It is possible but only when they want it for themselves and realize they have to work recovery EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Since his mom is an enabler it is quite likely he will not stop just because he does not have to.
Now is the time to take care of YOU and your needs.
Now is the time to take care of YOU and your needs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
do they stop? sure. sometimes. but how much of YOUR Life and your precious children's life are you willing to waste just in case he MIGHT stop....some day???
time is going to pass one way or the other. why not make the best life YOU can for you and the kids? he's shown you exactly who he is and what he is about. (and that is an absolute JERK IMHO who has thrown away or pawned every good thing in his life). quit trying to save his dumb ass. he does not WANT to be saved!
time is going to pass one way or the other. why not make the best life YOU can for you and the kids? he's shown you exactly who he is and what he is about. (and that is an absolute JERK IMHO who has thrown away or pawned every good thing in his life). quit trying to save his dumb ass. he does not WANT to be saved!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
I meant I feel sane without him here. I feel so disappointed in myself that all it takes is a conversation with him and I feel at fault somehow and the anxiety and pain starts all over again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Fitchicky 
I meant I feel sane without him here. I feel so disappointed in myself that all it takes is a conversation with him and I feel at fault somehow and the anxiety and pain starts all over again.
It's so strange that he has the same problem with me...I put my 10 year old to bed with a book and snuggle him up while he falls asleep. It drives my boyfriend crazy! He says I'm coddling him and treating him like a baby. He is so resentful about my children. He has two of his own that are only with us every other weekend. He is not mean to the kids ever but to me he expresses these frustrations all the time. Telling me my son's anxiety is b/c of me etc...I also get the wine comparison. I buy a ten dollar bottle and have three glasses a week while I cook dinner occasionally. He tries to make me feel guilty for "needing" my wine and asks why it's any different that the coke. I get so confused as to why I let him even say stuff like that without laughing. But somehow he manipulates me to the point where I actually question it myself and just feel stymied like I have no answer that makes sense. I hate that he has this power over me. Even if he were able to stop the drugs how will I ever trust him again that he isn't going to do it in secret knowing how powerful a hold it has on people. Until I put my foot down about it he was always up front and didn't lie to me and even told me if he did it when I was away.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
When exaf friend told me they had "only" 6 beers I made it 12 in my mind..same with the pawnshop...even after months of no contact I still come across items from their former place at times in my mind and notice - "wow, that must have "disappeared" too..."
I agree with the others, living with an addict is living in the FOG and the real damage becomes visible once the dust has settled. Please protect yourself and your children.
I agree with the others, living with an addict is living in the FOG and the real damage becomes visible once the dust has settled. Please protect yourself and your children.
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