Simply lost...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5
Simply lost...
I don't even know where to start... I haven't ever posted a forum or blog of any kind...
I'm 24 years old with three beautiful and happy children...
Their father is a 32 year old heroin addict.... I grew up rather sheltered from the drug world (raised by correction officers)... I found out he abused heroin after we became pregnant with our daughter... this shocked me and confused me, so I did what I could to help him get into a detox program. To try and shorten my story he battled his addiction for two years.... he finally went into a thirty day program after a relapse occurring after his father died.... we lived together until that relapse, but I moved quickly after.... scared and hurt...
My family and friends despise him, I have always loved him, but after months of him being clean he found out I was dating and relapsed yet again.... I feel at fault this time around. I promised to help him get clean one last time, to stand by his side if he stays clean. I feel like this time is different, but maybe he just knows my weaknesses.
Am I just insane?
I'm 24 years old with three beautiful and happy children...
Their father is a 32 year old heroin addict.... I grew up rather sheltered from the drug world (raised by correction officers)... I found out he abused heroin after we became pregnant with our daughter... this shocked me and confused me, so I did what I could to help him get into a detox program. To try and shorten my story he battled his addiction for two years.... he finally went into a thirty day program after a relapse occurring after his father died.... we lived together until that relapse, but I moved quickly after.... scared and hurt...
My family and friends despise him, I have always loved him, but after months of him being clean he found out I was dating and relapsed yet again.... I feel at fault this time around. I promised to help him get clean one last time, to stand by his side if he stays clean. I feel like this time is different, but maybe he just knows my weaknesses.
Am I just insane?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Him using is not your fault. Addicts use drugs because they are addicts. It is their first instinct to use when they are upset; or they are happy; or the sun comes up. You cannot help him get clean. That is something that must come from inside himself and he should do it for himself; not for you.
Your children deserve better and so do you.
Your children deserve better and so do you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
It sounds like you were trying to move on... but then got sucked back into this.
It seems never ending.
Right now i'm waiting for my AH. He's in a 14 month program for heroin addiction after failing at staying clean. 6 months sober, 6 months high.... and that cycle continued for years up until he decided to go into this program.
With you, or without you - this is his battle.
It seems never ending.
Right now i'm waiting for my AH. He's in a 14 month program for heroin addiction after failing at staying clean. 6 months sober, 6 months high.... and that cycle continued for years up until he decided to go into this program.
With you, or without you - this is his battle.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
good golly, at 24 with three kids already, where on earth would you find the TIME to help anybody else out???? here's the thing...those relapses were NOT because somebody died or somebody went on a date, or because it was raining, or the tax return didn't come....addicts use cuz they want to use and will FIND excuses to blame it on, so it's never THEIR fault.
he's BEEN to rehab...he knows the drill.....he's a FATHER of THREE....time to grow up and act like one eh? you have your hands full hon...if he's going to rehab he will have a host of professionals to help him. he's a big boy. keep your distance and keep you and the kids your priority.
he's BEEN to rehab...he knows the drill.....he's a FATHER of THREE....time to grow up and act like one eh? you have your hands full hon...if he's going to rehab he will have a host of professionals to help him. he's a big boy. keep your distance and keep you and the kids your priority.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5
It is such a jumbled mess.... I should make clear that I protect and put my children first.... I don't want them around drugs or someone high on. I supervise any visits and he can't even use the restroom alone here, I require open doors... with that being said, his moments of being clean always give me some insane happiness.... as lame as it sounds, I fear I am addicted to him and have relapsed myself. I was very bad about being an enabler in the beginning, but some sense came to me saying this isn't right..... I know it is his battle.... but how can I overcome my own obsessive worries about him? It makes me sick even thinking about it. And whining about it. Siiiigh.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
hi,
i can't really give you any advice,as im a newbie here myself. I asked that very same question "am i insane" not three days ago.. and the one thing i have learned in just those three days is:
1. this is the right place for me
2. i'm not insane.. or at least not any more insane than any other person living with this kind of chaos
3. its NOT my (your) fault
4. Anvil calls it as it is
ok that's actually FOUR things and not just one
im struggling with my ah's ups and downs and have these last two days worked hard to stay off what i now call my "crazy train". I am reading (a lot), I am trying to make the 12 step program work for me.. so far im on step 1: Im out of control and my life has become unmanageable. Yup totally and utterly..
it sort of helps me to think of this "crazy train" scenario.. that damned train shows up every.single.day of my life, without fail... up to now, i was all too ready to hop on and hang in there for the day (worrying, snooping, controlling the uncontrollable, making my business what wasnt my business, thinking, overthinking, overoverthinking.. well you know what im talking about cos youre doing it).. then, all of a sudden yesterday i had a lightbulb moment and let that damn train leave without me. Yup, i stayed on my platform and waved it goodbye.
That was scary stuff.. cos.. there was sooo much room in my head all of a sudden, there were a million and sixteen thoughts running through my poor little brain, then i remembered one sentence @Patience wrote to me on here "be kinder to yourself" and that's where i started.. for the first time this week, i went, turned on that shower to as hot as i could stand and i spent a good 45 minutes under that shower. Just standing there, tears came and went, sobs came and went.. rage came and went.. but i stepped out of that shower feeling cleaner, refreshed, surprised.. i had done something indulgent for ME.
I hadnt rushed in and out to make sure he wasnt using, i wasnt going frantically through pockets/jackets/trousers/drawers to "find evidence".. i just was. For the first time in three years, i just was.
Don't get me wrong... that crazy train came round for it's next stop and i hopped onto it by 6pm, but today was another day and i stayed off that train ALL day. I cleaned, i got my crochet hooks out, i hopped on here to "talk", i cleaned some more, i painted my stubby nails.. anything and everything to keep my mind focused AWAY from AH... and it was weird to see a change in him as well... i havent nagged, questioned, queried or anything all day, he has tried to prompt me (give me that ticket for that train ride) but i didnt take it.
You're probably bored by now... but just take each day as it comes, make room each day for you and your babies, concentrate on your babies and you... HE makes his own choices, even if they are bad choices, they are HIS and his alone. You then can eventually look at his choices and whether they fit in with YOUR choices, and if they dont, then you can start thinking of what you want to do.
i can't really give you any advice,as im a newbie here myself. I asked that very same question "am i insane" not three days ago.. and the one thing i have learned in just those three days is:
1. this is the right place for me
2. i'm not insane.. or at least not any more insane than any other person living with this kind of chaos
3. its NOT my (your) fault
4. Anvil calls it as it is
ok that's actually FOUR things and not just one
im struggling with my ah's ups and downs and have these last two days worked hard to stay off what i now call my "crazy train". I am reading (a lot), I am trying to make the 12 step program work for me.. so far im on step 1: Im out of control and my life has become unmanageable. Yup totally and utterly..
it sort of helps me to think of this "crazy train" scenario.. that damned train shows up every.single.day of my life, without fail... up to now, i was all too ready to hop on and hang in there for the day (worrying, snooping, controlling the uncontrollable, making my business what wasnt my business, thinking, overthinking, overoverthinking.. well you know what im talking about cos youre doing it).. then, all of a sudden yesterday i had a lightbulb moment and let that damn train leave without me. Yup, i stayed on my platform and waved it goodbye.
That was scary stuff.. cos.. there was sooo much room in my head all of a sudden, there were a million and sixteen thoughts running through my poor little brain, then i remembered one sentence @Patience wrote to me on here "be kinder to yourself" and that's where i started.. for the first time this week, i went, turned on that shower to as hot as i could stand and i spent a good 45 minutes under that shower. Just standing there, tears came and went, sobs came and went.. rage came and went.. but i stepped out of that shower feeling cleaner, refreshed, surprised.. i had done something indulgent for ME.
I hadnt rushed in and out to make sure he wasnt using, i wasnt going frantically through pockets/jackets/trousers/drawers to "find evidence".. i just was. For the first time in three years, i just was.
Don't get me wrong... that crazy train came round for it's next stop and i hopped onto it by 6pm, but today was another day and i stayed off that train ALL day. I cleaned, i got my crochet hooks out, i hopped on here to "talk", i cleaned some more, i painted my stubby nails.. anything and everything to keep my mind focused AWAY from AH... and it was weird to see a change in him as well... i havent nagged, questioned, queried or anything all day, he has tried to prompt me (give me that ticket for that train ride) but i didnt take it.
You're probably bored by now... but just take each day as it comes, make room each day for you and your babies, concentrate on your babies and you... HE makes his own choices, even if they are bad choices, they are HIS and his alone. You then can eventually look at his choices and whether they fit in with YOUR choices, and if they dont, then you can start thinking of what you want to do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
you know, when i got here 3 days ago, i could hardly see the screen (never mind the keyboard) when i wrote my post. I was desperate, as low as i had ever been... and the unbelievable happened, it was almost like: there you go, you have mastered the first step and there are A LOT of wonderful people, who dont even know you, but who know where you are at and who have your back.
It's strange, because today.. i have laughed on here, cried on here, said YES YES YES to some posts..
It is very humbling to be showered in so much kindness from complete strangers, somewhere inside a little voice says "you dont deserve that" .. but thats just the ticket master trying to sell me a cheap seat on that train i think. Im staying here on the platform with you guys
My lost hope has turned into "a tiny bit of hope" and hopefully will turn (one day) into F0undH0pe
It's strange, because today.. i have laughed on here, cried on here, said YES YES YES to some posts..
It is very humbling to be showered in so much kindness from complete strangers, somewhere inside a little voice says "you dont deserve that" .. but thats just the ticket master trying to sell me a cheap seat on that train i think. Im staying here on the platform with you guys
My lost hope has turned into "a tiny bit of hope" and hopefully will turn (one day) into F0undH0pe
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You have a right to a life and it sounds like when you try to move forward he is trying to take that away.
I hope you focus on what is good for you and your three babies, you deserve a happy and productive life!
I hope you focus on what is good for you and your three babies, you deserve a happy and productive life!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
You have a right to a life and it sounds like when you try to move forward he is trying to take that away.
I hope you focus on what is good for you and your three babies, you deserve a happy and productive life!
I hope you focus on what is good for you and your three babies, you deserve a happy and productive life!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone.... it feels like a cinder block has been lifted from my shoulder.... I feel so much less "alone"... I wish I would have found this community earlier! I think I will look into a twelve step program for myself... this seems to work for many people in helping them find relief and happiness again within themselves.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
A book called Codependent No More has helped so many of us. It was very eye opening for me. I realized I too had a problem. I was addicted to my husband and his addiction. I sought out therapy, alanon.....anything to help ME get healthy and strong again.
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