vanessacherie84

Hello all. I am new to this website and forum. I am reaching out trying to figure out how I can support my boyfriend. Here is the quick back story:

3 years ago, my boyfriend was hit by a drunk driver in a head on collision. His back hasn't been the same since. For the past 3 years, he has been prescribed high dosages of percocet and a little over a year ago, they switched him to 30mg of oxycodone.

About 5 months ago, things started spiraling out of control in our relationship. We at one time lived together with our daughter and since the last major incident, we have been living separately and trying to work things out. At the time of our separation, he began seeking out alternative treatments for his back (i.e chiropractors, steroid shots, pain patches) because he felt that the pain pills were significantly impacting his ability to make good judgments.

Fast forward to 3 months ago: I have recently noticed a change in his habits and behavior. His appetite decreased significantly and he complained about constipation. He would go to his truck for long periods of time, go into the bathroom for long periods of time, and at times when he would come out there would be a sweet smell that would come out. I started to get suspicious and approached him 3 times about it 2 months ago (and he denied it). The past month, I haven't smelled that sweet smell.

2 days ago, he had told me that he needed to complete some project for work and went to his room to do it. 8:30 hit, and it was our daughters bed time so i brought her in to him to say goodnight. I walked in on him smoking oxy. As the smoke was coming out of his mouth, he was still denying it.

He has since come clean to me about it and has admitted to having a pain pill addiction/abuse problem. I'm not angry at him. I'm concerned and would like the to know the proper way of handling this particular situation and how to be a supporter and not an enabler.

Anyway, any suggestions or sites to go to would be appreciated. Thanks!

AnvilheadII

hi and welcome. sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us!

i must say that is SO typical of the addict, that WHILE exhaling dope, they will DENY they are doing drugs! well then that must be some fancy new toothpaste you got there bud!

since he had admitted to a problem, i suggest put the ball in his court and ask him what he plans to DO about it. and how soon. it's tough for anyone with legitimate pain...and so easy to get carried away, if some feels good, lots must certainly feel better!

i am concerned that he is using drugs IN the home with your young daughter. that she was exposed to oxy smoke. this puts you all at great risk. it would make sense to have a clear unmoveable boundary about ZERO tolerance for drugs IN the home. all she needs to do is find ONE pill, or the used foil, or chew on the empty pen case, whatever......

make sure to keep you and your child FIRST in this.

Ann

I agree with Anvil. What we choose to do or not do as adults is one thing, but the safety of any child must be protected at all costs.

I really hope you can find your home safe to live in and am sorry you are going through all this right now.

Prayers out for all of you.

Hugs

vanessacherie84

I agree with both of you that she does come first. I asked him about how he feels doing this with her in the home. She has always been his trigger point during our discussions. He LOVES her and is an amazing father. When I approached him about this, I could instantly tell that it tore his heart out thinking about his decision to do it with her around. But he instantly shut the conversation down.

AnvilheadII

But he instantly shut the conversation down.

yup, don't talk about it and pretend it didn't happen. not exactly the most hoped for reaction.

i thought you said you two were living apart....maybe i missed the now living together again bit. but until he gets himself sorted out, father of the year or not, it might be a good solution for him to have his own living space and for yours to be 1000% drug free??

vanessacherie84

Yes, we live separately, however, we stay at each other's home fairly frequently.

Hawkeye13

Well, you could choose to not spend any time with him when you have your daughter with you as he is an active addict.

That seems like a reasonable consequence to his choice to use in the home where she is.

Maybe you should put more distance between you to protect your daughter and to let him know that this activity is not going to part of your (or your daughter's) world.

Sorry you are going through this.

vanessacherie84

This is a whole new arena that have gotten thrown into, so I do have a lot of questions based off of the suggestions and also research that I am actively doing. I hope it doesn't come off as excuses or as though I'm not absorbing everyone's input, because it is greatly appreciated.

Based on the research that I am doing on how to support an addict, it all says to keep things as normal as possible, however do draw your perimeters. Every site I've read strongly emphasizes that compassion and building their trust is KEY. That the more stressful the "supporter" makes the situation, the more likely the addict will be to use more frequently and aggressively.

Has anyone been able to find a good firm and supportive balance? I'm just asking because I'm worried that any sudden reaction like isolating him when I have her will lead to him using more. And I am worried about him using while he has her on his days as well.

Sungrl

Every site I've read strongly emphasizes that compassion and building their trust is KEY. That the more stressful the "supporter" makes the situation, the more likely the addict will be to use more frequently and aggressively.



Find some new research material. IMHO, the above is a bunch o bull.

I think the best support for him and more importantly for you and the kiddo is to get the heck out of dodge ASAP

Chino

Absolutely! Don't change your behavior and or routines to accommodate his addiction, and don't compromise your personal boundaries.

Prior to discovering his addiction, would you have knowingly dated an active addict? Would you have allowed your daughter to be around an active addict getting high, and watching over her while high? Which is more important -- allowing him to feel that it's acceptable to use around her or protecting her childhood and lifelong physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being?

Mountainmanbob

these are very inexpensive books

I would buy him a copy of the AA Big Book and the NA Book
if he reads them he will have a much greater understanding of his condition
for yes the condition is serious and can be fatal

all towns of any size have an AA Central Office
a fast call to them will get one a list of close AA meetings
all one can do is suggest to an addict to attend a meeting or two

if God is calling them out of the pit this may be the time ??

take all advice from ones who do not know you
with a grain of salt

MM

vanessacherie84

[I]Prior to discovering his addiction, would you have knowingly dated an active addict? Would you have allowed your daughter to be around an active addict getting high, and watching over her while high?


I really haven't thought of it from that standpoint. Thank you. And the answer to your question is NO.

vanessacherie84

Another Question:

If I choose to stay in his life and support him to (hopefully) recovery and put the necessary boundaries down regarding our daughter, does anyone know what kind of road is ahead? I am still in the beginning stages of this and am very naive to what is ahead of me...and frankly, it's terrifying to not know. I've never been in contact with an addict knowingly. Let alone one that I will have to have contact with for the next 17 years minimum (our daughter is a little over a year old).

Mountainmanbob

none here on site or anywhere in the world knows
if this may be the time in which he will get clean and sober
for some it takes a very long time
some not
some never get clean and sober

if he would agree to the following his odds may be very good

maybe he has had enough -- hopefully so

there is nothing wrong with letting him know that
you wish not to spend your life with an active addict
and -- for your child's best interest it would be best if he get's clean ASAP

meetings
church attendance
counseling
getting a good moral Sponsor so as to work closely with

will most addicts agree to doing those --- no
but -- for the ones who are willing -- these are small things to ask

MM

KeepinItReal

Vanessacherie84 - you are not alone here.

I have been through hell a few times (it's somewhat cyclical in my life) with my AH. Addicted Husband.

What I have learned? To support an addict means strong love. It's tough to have strong love. Holding boundaries and doing (not threatening) is what they hear. They don't hear us begging, reasoning or using any sort of logic. Of course we all have tried that a few 100 times.

Strong love to me is letting my AH go to rehab for 14 months and supporting him though the whole process. Not letting my needs and wants for him to be home get in the way. For my loved one - it was the program, death, or jail... I'm glad he chose the first.

Good luck!! HUGE HUGS

suki44883

A very rocky road is ahead...more lying and trying harder to hide his drug use from you. I didn't see anything in your posts about him seeking help for his addiction. Until he's willing to take steps (not just talk about it) to get help, nothing is going to change.

If it were just you wanting to stick around and support him (not sure what support an active addict needs), it would be one thing. However, there is an innocent child involved and no child should be subjected to active drug addiction.

KeepinItReal

I would flat out ask him if he's ready to want to quit. If the answer is NO. The answer is No.

Then you need to mourn the person he use to be... because sadly, he's in there, somewhere... but the drug oxi takes over.

Chino

I quit smoking cigs two years ago, for the 10th time or so. It takes 6-10 serious attempts for the average smoker to quit for good. That's just nicotine -- can you imagine how much more difficult it is for an opiate addict?

My 26 year old daughter is a recovering opiate addict. She started (in 2007) using pills then snorting them, then moved on to shooting dilaudid in her veins. Opiate addicts develop extra pain receptors in their brains to absorb the drugs flooding their brains. Then they develop a tolerance and need a better high, which is how my daughter progressed to needles.

During active addiction, an addicts brain is literally hijacked. The drug of choice becomes #1 above everything else. It becomes more important than food, which is programmed deep inside of us for survival.

Physical withdrawals for an opiate addict are brutal and they feel crashed and burned out for quite a while afterward. That's why so many can't stay clean. There are legal drugs out there to help opiate addicts transition to sobriety but they can be abused and frequently are. For the opiate addict serious about recovery, they can be the answer to their prayers.

You cannot support an active addict, you can only enable them. Please don't do that. I did that for too long with my daughter. I compromised my boundaries for her addiction and all that meant was I was feeding The Beast instead of starving it. Don't contribute and accommodate. When an active decides to find recovery, then they'll need all the support they can get.

BlueChair

This is true Vanessa. I think its the newer approach to dealing with addiction and its what Ive been taught by the addiction counselor I work with. Its about keeping things normal, dont begin to see him as an addict, keep your focus on him as a person, this addiction is an extension of his medical issues, possibly deeper psychological issues also, but it is not happening because he is a bad person, immoral person, he doesnt need to be punished or have your support taken away in order for him to stop using. He needs support from people who love him and care. But we do have to create parameters for our own health and safety, a lot of it depends on each of us as individuals and what kinds of coping skills we have. This part Im working on in counseling right now. Once you figure out what your comfortable with, feel safe with for you and your daughter this will be where you stand firm.

The sooner he gets honest with his doctor, can do a detox, get involved with counseling, or starts an outpatient/inpatient program the better. We had to use family pressure to force my husband into rehab last year. Its been hard for him but he's still clean. This is like most other medical stuff, he may have to try different treatments, medications before he gets it under control and starts to feel better.

He has actual pain still from the accident?

AnvilheadII

as long as the addict is in active addiction all bets are off. there IS NO NORMAL. its great to talk about how it should be and in a perfect world we ask them to please stop and they say oh yes i will and go get clean and live happily ever after.

when children are involved the rules HAVE to change. to protect them. cuz the addict can't and won't. the focus has to be on what's in the child's best interest and a bit less on how to HELP the addict. in 2014 recovery is hardly a secret....there are more detoxes, addiction specialists, treatment centers and of course those silly FREE programs like AA and NA.....it's harder to sign up for spin class for pete's sake. addicts are resourceful...they can figure their way to clean as easy as they found their way to loaded. but for some reason we think WE have to show them the way. and that they can't get clean without us...or if we say the wrong thing they'll get high.

they're gonna get high anyways! we aren't that powerful!