In need of knowing how to support an addict...

Old 03-20-2014, 02:48 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Ann
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Vanessa, my thought are to not forget that he is an addict and addicts will steal from loved ones...including children. The person we loved before addiction would not, but most of us here have had our bank cards compromised, family heirloom jewelery pawned, checks taken from checkbooks and cashed and even a child's Ipod stolen and pawned...if I can offer one piece of advice if you choose to continue a relationship with this man, it is to lock up your valuables some place he would never ever think to look. Sadly, I slept with my purse under my pillow for years when my son lived with us.

If you want to know the reality of your situation just start reading. Read the sticky posts at the top of this forum and read posts made by people just like you who have been where you are and you will see what may lay ahead for you with this relationship. These are real situations with real people, not a movie that guarantees happy ever after...oh, how I wish it did.

Then decide if this is the life you want to live. Most of us found we couldn't beg them into recovery, we couldn't cheer them into recovery, we couldn't cry, maniplulate, threaten or shame them into recovery. They find recovery when the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.

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Old 03-20-2014, 03:03 PM
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I almost forgot Vanessa. Since this is a Recovery Website check out the other forums here. The struggle of ending an addiction is very real, reading the stories of people of the substance abuse forum who are working on ending their addictions has given me a lot of insight into the amount of mental and physical strength it takes to stop using. There is this film called Anonymous People and it says there are over 23 Million people in long term recovery.
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Old 03-20-2014, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
as long as the addict is in active addiction all bets are off. there IS NO NORMAL. its great to talk about how it should be and in a perfect world we ask them to please stop and they say oh yes i will and go get clean and live happily ever after.

when children are involved the rules HAVE to change. to protect them. cuz the addict can't and won't. the focus has to be on what's in the child's best interest and a bit less on how to HELP the addict. in 2014 recovery is hardly a secret....there are more detoxes, addiction specialists, treatment centers and of course those silly FREE programs like AA and NA.....it's harder to sign up for spin class for pete's sake. addicts are resourceful...they can figure their way to clean as easy as they found their way to loaded. but for some reason we think WE have to show them the way. and that they can't get clean without us...or if we say the wrong thing they'll get high.

they're gonna get high anyways! we aren't that powerful!
Wow, it has taken me years, many long years, to get this through my head. You said it so well.

I so agree that if they want it they can find help. There are very resourceful. Look what they go through to get high? When they want something they get it so that goes for help too.

Kari
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Old 03-20-2014, 05:11 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Sometimes when we're close to a situation it's hard to see how crazy it might seem from an outside perspective.

Your daughter has inhaled second-hand Oxi smoke. If it happened once that you saw, how many times has it happened when he was alone with her? Frankly, that would scare the crap out of me.

Recovery methods aside, I would focus less on how to help him, and more on how to protect her.
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Old 03-20-2014, 09:26 PM
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Hi Vanessa,
Welcome to SR, but I'm sorry for what has brought you here. Has your husband taken any steps toward his sobriety? I would watch his actions, not his words, to see how serious he is about working a recovery program.

As far as trying to find a balance between being supportive and setting up boundaries, that is something that can be very difficult to do with an addict. By the time we find out the truth, chances are they have been actively using for some time, which means they've had plenty of practice in lying and covering things up. Someone who is currently using will lie (you already know this firsthand), manipulate and turn things around to protect their addiction. It can get to the point where you feel like you're going crazy because you start to question your own judgment and your own sanity.

I understand that you want to save your marriage. This is the man you love and the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with. I hope your husband is able to get the help he needs, but he needs to take an active role in his own recovery and commit to it. Like I said, watch his actions, not his words.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you will continue to come back and post. There are many people here who have been in your situation and know what you're going through. You'll receive a lot of support and advice here. Like they say at the meetings, take what you need and leave the rest. Good luck to you and take care of yourself.

Hugs
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Old 03-20-2014, 11:00 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by vanessacherie84 View Post
Based on the research that I am doing on how to support an addict, it all says to keep things as normal as possible, however do draw your perimeters. Every site I've read strongly emphasizes that compassion and building their trust is KEY. That the more stressful the "supporter" makes the situation, the more likely the addict will be to use more frequently and aggressively.

Has anyone been able to find a good firm and supportive balance? I'm just asking because I'm worried that any sudden reaction like isolating him when I have her will lead to him using more. And I am worried about him using while he has her on his days as well.
I think the key is in finding balance... and I actually do agree with the things you have been reading about how to support your loved one. From my experience, there are various stages of addiction. But one thing that happens quite often is the drug use becomes a coping mechanism. So when there is an emotional issue, they cant cope and will turn to the drug to create a manufactured feeling, or an escape. So conflict like our nagging, yelling, blaming triggers that response. Of course on a high level they are responsible for their emotions no matter what comes their way.. as we all are... but often there is something broken in that area at least during active addiction.

My husband was a "functional addict". He became addicted after an injury, multiple surgeries, rehabilitation, and lots of prescribed pain meds. He had a pretty solid foundation in life before this happened. With proper treatment he has done well so far.. 2 years next month. I would keep doing as you are and put your daughter first, support him at whatever level is comfortable for you & this may mean some trial and error, and that's ok. Im going to send you a p.m. with some additional resources Ive found helpful on my journey.

Prayers for you, and your family going up tonight.
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Old 03-21-2014, 12:18 AM
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You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Finding a therapist, learning about addiction, codependency, and really working on myself.....was the wisest decision I have ever made. I hope you make the same one too.
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Old 03-21-2014, 02:57 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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hey there...

I understand what you are going through....i busted my neck C1 and C2 back 2 years ago...had been clean and sober for 2 years.....was put on morphine in the hospital and a neck brace.....fast forward 3 months taking huge cwe solutions of codeine once the scripts ofr my pain killers ran out...former meth head, opid addict and alcoholic.....this went on for 2 years....recently completed rehab....my partner and kids put up with it for 2 years...i got sick enough to want help......despite his injuries he sounds bad and needs help...he can do it.....you dont need to live with that crap anymore and you both deserve better...
get him to a detox and rehab.....
best of luck v
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Old 03-21-2014, 04:51 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Vandermast View Post
get him to a detox and rehab.....
best of luck v
that sounds easy .. right? it isn't .. trust me, ive tried it all, pleading, begging, manipulating, pointing out the obvious, screaming, shouting, ignoring, getting all the info... unless your addict WANTS help, there is NOTHING you can do to make him change.

It's a hard, hard lesson to learn and bitter medicine to swallow.. all you can do at this stage is learn to take care of your baby and YOU. You are the important one in all this as your baby is too young to take care of herself, she depends on you being healthy and happy.. something that is almost impossible to do while living with an active addict.

I came to this board at my wits end.. and i realised a couple of days ago, that that was me taking the first step (yeah ive been scoffing at the 12 steps) but the change in ME over the last three and four days has truly been amazing and eye opening.

My AH now vows he is in rehab blablablabla ive heard it all sooooo many times, im not believing his words anymore, which is making him now spit feathers, plead, beg, manipulate and do all the things i DID to him.. but ive told him loud and clear "actions are needed to convince me"

This place is a good place to be, there is a ton of experience and advice, there is a lot of hand holding and just listening... im so glad i found this forum for ME.

Hope you will find some answers soon and that you too will start to feel better.
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Old 03-25-2014, 08:29 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Wow I feel like I am reading something from my life. My husband was the same way til a little less than a month ago when he got into a major car accident and totaled my car, he was cut off by a driver who hit the front of the car and spun him into the concrete wall on the freeway and the driver took off he was high at the time and so he took his personal **** out of the car and left and came home on foot. The next day he checked himself into rehab and has been there since. I hope it doesn't take an accident to get your man to get help but your situation is so similar to mine, and that's what it took my man to finally get help cause he could have and probably should have been seriously injured but by the power of god he walked away with only some bruised ribs and a headache. Prayers your way!!
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Old 03-25-2014, 09:50 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I'm so, so sorry you're experiencing this. With my husband, I've learned that words mean very little to an addict. I can't make him use, and I can't make him not use. Don't try to keep things normal if that entails ignoring his addiction or candy-coating the truth. The truth will set you free!
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Old 03-25-2014, 10:25 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I know all to well what you are going through..but fast forward two years later with my oxy addicted boyfriend. We now have three different smashed cars, I have been evicted from stolen rent before, had countless pawned items, and a man that constantly promises that this time is going to be different and he will stop despite the heartache and destruction oxys have caused. Its not fun having to police your own home. I have constant stress and anxiety and have a stomach ache every time I come home because I don't know if he will relapse or if my possesions will be gone ect..Its constant heartache and stress that you and your child don't need. I also once had a dealer he stole from knock on my door and tell my 13 year old son that he owed him money for pills fronted to him. Nice!! Same as you, when I have caught him red handed with foil in hand he still denied it. He began to isolate with his drugs as i'm now the enemy at times I guess. This drug is a whole different animal than any other drug I have dealt with. It really does take over the brain. I think its good he is staying separately. This is such a hard one but I hope you will not be like me and worry so much about supporting him but how to support yourself. I know easier said than done. The crazy thing is how crazy this drug switches someone into a different person. Last night we were hanging out on the couch watching movies yet tonight I came home to his tiny pupils in his lost eyes and I knew he chose to use again today. Again, to you and me both, no relationship or love for us can compete with this drug. It won't make them stop. I don't know what it will take but its in there own hands. Every time I try to stick to my guns that he must make the change and have several months to a year before I can trust him again..I give in and he gets comfy again for a honeymoon phase and then back to the shady lying. I hope you give him support but in a healthier way than I have. We shouldn't be working hard at there recovery while they sit back.
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