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Old 03-19-2014, 10:54 AM
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All about ME!

Hi SR friends! Been a while since I last posted and I've been very busy! When I last posted I was feeling down about my upcoming birthday and nervous about my AH's hearing. Well my bday was pretty uneventful, so many things just didn't fall into place and I was disappointed but glad for it to be over. My AH got me a card. When his bday came a few days later I did the same for him, just a card. I was very happy about the results of his hearing although the home confinement has not started yet. On Monday an officer came to his parents house to inspect it and make sure it would be ok. It passed of course. On March 31 my AH goes back to court hopefully to get the ankle monitor and get started with the 60 days of home confinement.

I must say I cannot wait for this home confinement to start! I am extremely disappointed, frustrated and all together fed up with my AH. I am looking forward to having the house to myself, only doing dishes and laundry for one person will be so nice! I'm really not sure what is going on with my AH these days. I can't tell if he's using or not. What I do know is that I can't stand his current behavior. He doesn't help at all around the house, he sleeps a lot, he's missed work a few times and been late several times. He seems to not care about anyone or anything but himself. I know that his stepdad (who is also his boss) is also very upset with him but he doesn't do anything other than threaten to fire him. I worry that things will never improve and I also worry now that I may not even care if they do. I don't see any good qualities in him anymore. He's selfish and disrespectful and has no goals.

Ok moving on to some much better news! I started my new job a couple weeks ago and it has been great! My sister helped me get the job. She works there and is wanting to go to day shift and so they needed someone to fill her night shift position. I was so nervous for the week long orientation class. My sis met me the first day after her shift and walked me to the classroom. It was a little intimidating and there was a ton of info thrown at me that week but I was really excited to start training. I've been on day shift for a couple weeks and I will start training on nights next week. It has been so good to be around people, to work, to learn, to feel productive and needed and even appreciated. It's also been really good to see my sister more regularly. It has helped so much having her there to support me. Everyone that meets me knows who I am already because my sis and I look so much alike. Everyone likes her there and that has helped me ease into the job. On my first day my sister decorated a locker for me and gave me a cheat sheet of helpful info. Oh yeah and it's been REALLY nice to get a paycheck! I've also got health insurance now too!

I struggled with the decision of whether or not to get health insurance for my AH. I knew that it would be helpful with his weekly counseling appointments but since he is a smoker the rate for us is a good bit higher. The cost of health insurance comes directly out of my paycheck before I get it and I hate that by doing this I am literally paying for his habit which I hate! I ended up getting insurance for him and decided that I could drop him at any time if I changed my mind.

I've been trying very hard to focus on me and all the good things that I have going for me lately! Worrying about my AH does me no good and it is pointless. I arranged my work schedule last week so that I could make it to my AH's counseling appointment. He ended up oversleeping for work (again) and was awakened by his stepdad at our front door wanting to know why he wasn't at work. After pissing off his stepdad he decided to blow off his counseling appt. he didn't even call her to cancel it! I was so mad and so was his counselor.

That did it for me. I decided no more. No more worrying about him getting up on time, no more reminding him to take his medicine or about his appointments. I have a million things a day that I have to worry about and I manage. I'm focussing on ME, my new job and my future. It feels good to have goals and to let go of things that are out of my control!
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:21 AM
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What an amazing post! Thank you for sharing.
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:28 AM
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Sounds like things are actually going very well.

His actions speak much louder than his words, don't they?

Glad you are seeing that clearly and building an independent future in case
he doesn't choose recovery.

Thank you for the update and best of luck with your new job!
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:50 AM
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Good for you!

Well done - focus on yourself. I am finding myself in the same kind of position. Wanting to assist in the recovery process and wanting to see the results (because it's so connected to your relationship-life) but at the same time, needing to step away and let them handle their business. It's a tough line to be on but man, sometimes it's so freeing to allow yourself to step away from it. Have the space you need to breathe.
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Old 03-19-2014, 12:54 PM
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Old 03-19-2014, 09:04 PM
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Thank you all so much for the encouragement! Each of your comments brought a huge smile to my face!
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:07 PM
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Thank you for the update & I agree its a great post

Its great to hear about your new job and how its going so well. What a bonus being able to spend some time with your sister & now you will have this whole new area of work to talk about and share.

I think this "break" is going to be good for you. Please keep us posted. My prayers and good thoughts are with you.
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Old 03-22-2014, 08:11 AM
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The encouragement that I receive here at SR is just wonderful! I have a feeling I will be leaning on you all in the very near future. I must admit as excited as I am to have this time away from my AH I am also a little nervous about how I will handle the upcoming changes. I'm not worried about being away from my AH but I am nervous about starting a new work schedule which starts tomorrow (night shift) and how I will deal with taking care of all three dogs on my own. My AH works beside of our home so we don't always crate the two younger ones because he can come over here frequently to let them out. Since my shifts are 12 hours long I will be gone 13-14 hours when I work. That's a long time to have dogs crated or to have them loose in the house. I know I will figure it out. I'm glad my new schedule will start before my AH leaves to start his home confinement.

I know that my AH is using again. I had my suspicions the last few weeks (I don't think they ever really go away actually) but as of lately I now know that he is in fact using again. Of course I'm disappointed, but not surprised. What has bothered me just as much as knowing this is his behavior. We recently got our tax returns back and decided to split the money in half. That seemed fair to me since I make more money than him but I worked a lot less this past year than I typically do. After deciding this he tried to convince me to let him have an additional $200 so that he could pay off a credit card. I asked him what purchases were on that credit card and he said Christmas presents. I said I didn't think it was fair to ask me to pay for Christmas presents that he had bought me or his family. I paid for all of my own family members presents as well as a couple of his and I bought him a good bit as well. It may sound selfish but I just couldn't do it. I have an outstanding medical bill of my own that I need to pay off. So we split the money in half. I found out yesterday when I got the mail that he had ordered a set of silver dollars! Then he went to the mall last night after work to buy a new play station game that he wanted. It's decisions like these that make me say what the heck have I gotten myself into??? I know he still owes his parents money for his lawyer along with the upcoming home confinement fees.

More and more I am leaning toward permanently separating. While I hate the idea of going through a divorce and figuring out my living situation, I also can't see continuing to live the way I've been living. We don't have a marriage anymore and we both know it. We are more like roommates. I get so nervous when I think about what I will do when this break of ours is over but I remind myself that is more than 2 months away and I can only deal with one thing at a time. I'm continuing to learn more at my new job and that has really given me some confidence and pride in myself. My sister and I have gotten closer too. I am going to get my hair cut today and use a gift certificate to buy some new uniforms for work I'm really looking forward to the haircut because the lady who cuts my hair is also married to an addict, she recently left him. It's always so nice to be able to talk to someone else who understands addiction. Thanks for listening to my rant SR friends it's so nice to just vent sometimes!
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Old 04-01-2014, 12:12 AM
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I was just thinking about you.. I know you had a March 31 timeframe. You don't have to update... I only wanted to send good thoughts your way.
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Old 04-13-2014, 10:33 AM
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Alright SR friends it's high time for an update. I've been putting this off for a while I guess because I really just don't know how to say what I've been feeling. It finally hit me last night, in a big way. I'm depressed. I've been depressed for a while now. I've talked to no one about this which makes it harder to cope with. I'll start with the good. The good is my job. Things have continued to go well there. I'm now done with training and doing better than I thought I would on my own. I was so hesitant to finish training and thought really hard about extending it. It's been so good to see my sis on a regular basis and keep up with how she's doing. Work has really been the only bright spot in my life lately and I'm very grateful for it.

On to the not-so-good now. I guess I thought that when my husband started home confinement at his parents that one of two things would happen: 1) he would either get his act together and start acting like a responsible adult (you know things like showing up for work on time, going to scheduled appointments or at least canceling them) or 2) my life would suddenly feel worlds better with him out of the house, I would be happier, less stressed and realize that we are better apart and needed a break. Well neither of these things have happened. Instead my husband continues to be late for work (although not as frequently) he has missed his last two counseling appointments and didn't even bother to call to cancel or reschedule them. In fact he didn't even realize he had missed them until I asked him how they went. This is particularly infuriating to me because this was a big factor in my decision to add him onto my health insurance through work (which isn't cheap since he is a smoker). To top it all off I'm finding myself more stressed than before which seems odd since I now have laundry and dishes to do for only one person. I'm also saving money on groceries as well. The big stressor for me is the dogs I think. I work 12.5 hour shifts so I'm usually gone for work about 13 hours. The dogs have done really well with this change and I haven't crated them once. I have come home to a few accidents but I'm ok with that. The hardest part for me is that since I work night shift I get off work in the morning and it would be so nice to be able to run an errand after work or go to an appointment but since the dogs need fed and let out I'm always rushing straight home from work and then going to sleep. The house is such a mess. I'm finding myself so unmotivated to do anything but go to work and get ready for work. I'm lonely and I think the stress of not talking about my situation is really getting to me.

I'm honestly not sure if my AH is still using or not. I don't have any reason to think he is and maybe that's what's more troubling to me, that his behavior continues despite him not using. His selfishness has really upset me, we still talk and text and I've tried to convey that to him. The night of my first shift on my own at work I was a nervous wreck. I was getting ready and started calling/texting about a cord that he needed for his PlayStation to work at his mom's house. I said ok I'd drop it off before work.of course the cord isn't where he says it is, in fact it's nowhere to be found. Then he decides he is going to have a friend of his come over and find it and also take one of our big flat screen tv's to him. The problem was he wanted it to happen that second and I was naked (fresh out of the shower) had 3 dogs I still needed to feed and get outside as well as get myself ready. I suggested waiting til the following day but that wasn't good enough because his friend was already on his way to the house and my AH didn't want to go another night without his PlayStation. He got his way and I went to work stressed. We fought on the on the phone on my way to work. I told him I couldn't take it any longer that I was going to talk to my sister that night about what was going on with us. I got off the phone and walked into work. When I turned my phone on during my break I had several text messages from him begging me not to tell my sister about his home confinement because he was sure she would tell my mom. That really bothered me. I perceived this as a selfish move on his part once again.

I ended up not talking to my sis about things mainly because I just had too much going on at work that night. It definitely wasn't the time or place for that discussion. Just typing this now I'm already feeling a little better. I am definitely going to make a counseling appointment for one day next week, I know that it will help. My BFF who I can usually talk to about anything is going through what looks to be some sort of early mid life crisis and she really hasn't been able to be a friend to me lately. As usual I'm rambling but I needed to get some of this out. I feel so alone and pretty uncertain about my future.
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Old 04-13-2014, 03:54 PM
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Wow! Don't fret to much...you are taking on single responsibilities now (dogs; home; and work) and a new job. Things will get ironed out as time goes by. Perhaps pay someone (college student; neighbor kid) to let the dogs out/feed or whatever (x 1 a day). It will give you some relief.

Leave the recovery/sobriety up to him! I wouldn't fret to much as his appointments are his to keep. He already KNOWS the consequences at this point (house arrest). He's bound to go back if he can't handle the few responsibilities of probation.

You have other fish-to-fry and need to take care of you and your puppies!
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Old 04-13-2014, 04:46 PM
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HI and congrats on your job success. I am sorry that your hubby on the other hand, does not seem to be growing up. I think you have done a really smart thing in getting your own place, a good job and taking care of your responsibilities.
One thing which may help you, is to make time for some fun for yourself. working nights takes a bit of adjustment, it did for me.
I am glad to see you moving forward, and I hope you can find a hobby or do something really nice for yourself (you have already, in getting yourself a place, and with time, that will be more fun) worrying about him not doing what he should will bring you down. Perhaps thinking less about him and more about you and your happiness, and what you want from life will help cheer you.

good idea to get some counseling for yourself. you sound like a smart woman, and I would just say hang in there, things will get better. especially when your focus is not on a child/man who may never grow up. I am sorry about that, but it is what it is, and you are doing the right things, to take care of yourself.

make time for fun!
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