What to change and what to accept?
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What to change and what to accept?
OK, this is going to be long-winded, sorry in advance. It's been over six months since my sister went to a short-term rapid detox to get off opiates, which she had been on for over ten years. I decided years ago that limited contact was the only way to deal with her, which hasn't been too hard because she lives hundreds of miles from me. But after the detox I wanted to be supportive and we started communicating a little more often. She has mentioned that she still drinks, and the "sponsor" she is working with lives in a different state. I don't think she's been going to meetings. So I've been pretty suspicious about how much recovering she's really doing, but I guess I figured at least she was making an effort with the opiates.
Anyway, fast forward to a couple weeks ago, she calls me and unloads about how her child's father wrecked his car and got a DWI, that she thinks he was drinking and doing drugs, that she is fed up and wants to break up with him. She also mentions that she has known this was going on with him for a while now, but of course she never told me about it. I know she doesn't tell me the truth, but this just annoyed me because I was hoping maybe I could start trusting her a little more because she made such a big deal about her new "sobriety." But I have stuck by her these past couple weeks. She has been calling often, more than she has in years, wanting my support about the break up and her sobriety and so on.
So now some family responsibilities have popped up, and I've asked her to take on a very small task, and she has totally turned on me. An elderly relative of ours died last year, and I did all the work of finding a nursing home for him when he got ill, making sure he was cared for during the couple years before he died, and dealing with his estate. My sister and brother and I were all beneficiaries, so they got quite a bit of money out of this even though they did none of the work of caring for him and administering the estate. My sister did take him grocery shopping a few times years ago, but his neighbor told me that she used this as a way to try to convince him to leave his condo to her. (He didn't.) She did the same thing when my mother was dying, tried to get my Mom to leave her more than my brother or me. Anyway, I asked my sister to do just one thing--arrange the burial of his ashes with the cemetery and choose a stone. My sister said she would take it on months ago, and I haven't pestered her about it, and she hasn't done it. So last week she started pestering me about finishing one last piece of estate business so she can have even more money, and I got annoyed and asked her (very nicely!) when she was going to arrange his burial. And she wrote me this LONG email about how she is under so much stress caring for her son, breaking up with her boyfriend, trying to stay sober, and she just doesn't have time to deal with the burial. This is so silly, she doesn't even have to be there, just make a few phone calls. He was in his 90s and has no friends who want to attend, and we've already honored his memory. I wrote her back and said very nicely that I was also very busy, and she wrote another LONG, angry e-mail about how stressed out she is and she just doesn't have time, wishing me "best of luck" at the end, as if she's done with me. This is her long-standing pattern, she loves to turn on the people who love her the most and kick them out of her life for a while.
This has really gotten under my skin, as I guess the length of this post makes clear! It annoys me that she thinks that just because she has decided to work this half-assed recovery, she shouldn't have to do the tiniest bit of family business, but still feels free to harass me about the estate! It annoys me that after all the support I've given her recently, she is still ready to turn on me at the drop of a hat. I'm just at a point where I feel like I will never trust her or be able to have any kind of lasting affectionate relationship with her. I'm not sure I even like her! I came to that conclusion years ago, but somehow I let this "detox" nonsense lure me in again. I just don't know where to go from here. I would love to force her to do the decent thing and help arrange the burial, but I know I can't get blood out of a turnip. There is part of me that wants to tell her that I am going to finish this estate business and then I want her to leave me alone!!! I know that's extreme, but I'm so tired of her BS! But then I wonder if doing that would make me just as immature as she is, and think maybe I should just arrange the burial and forget about it. Sigh. Having a hard time over here knowing what I can change, and what I have to find the serenity to accept.
Anyway, fast forward to a couple weeks ago, she calls me and unloads about how her child's father wrecked his car and got a DWI, that she thinks he was drinking and doing drugs, that she is fed up and wants to break up with him. She also mentions that she has known this was going on with him for a while now, but of course she never told me about it. I know she doesn't tell me the truth, but this just annoyed me because I was hoping maybe I could start trusting her a little more because she made such a big deal about her new "sobriety." But I have stuck by her these past couple weeks. She has been calling often, more than she has in years, wanting my support about the break up and her sobriety and so on.
So now some family responsibilities have popped up, and I've asked her to take on a very small task, and she has totally turned on me. An elderly relative of ours died last year, and I did all the work of finding a nursing home for him when he got ill, making sure he was cared for during the couple years before he died, and dealing with his estate. My sister and brother and I were all beneficiaries, so they got quite a bit of money out of this even though they did none of the work of caring for him and administering the estate. My sister did take him grocery shopping a few times years ago, but his neighbor told me that she used this as a way to try to convince him to leave his condo to her. (He didn't.) She did the same thing when my mother was dying, tried to get my Mom to leave her more than my brother or me. Anyway, I asked my sister to do just one thing--arrange the burial of his ashes with the cemetery and choose a stone. My sister said she would take it on months ago, and I haven't pestered her about it, and she hasn't done it. So last week she started pestering me about finishing one last piece of estate business so she can have even more money, and I got annoyed and asked her (very nicely!) when she was going to arrange his burial. And she wrote me this LONG email about how she is under so much stress caring for her son, breaking up with her boyfriend, trying to stay sober, and she just doesn't have time to deal with the burial. This is so silly, she doesn't even have to be there, just make a few phone calls. He was in his 90s and has no friends who want to attend, and we've already honored his memory. I wrote her back and said very nicely that I was also very busy, and she wrote another LONG, angry e-mail about how stressed out she is and she just doesn't have time, wishing me "best of luck" at the end, as if she's done with me. This is her long-standing pattern, she loves to turn on the people who love her the most and kick them out of her life for a while.
This has really gotten under my skin, as I guess the length of this post makes clear! It annoys me that she thinks that just because she has decided to work this half-assed recovery, she shouldn't have to do the tiniest bit of family business, but still feels free to harass me about the estate! It annoys me that after all the support I've given her recently, she is still ready to turn on me at the drop of a hat. I'm just at a point where I feel like I will never trust her or be able to have any kind of lasting affectionate relationship with her. I'm not sure I even like her! I came to that conclusion years ago, but somehow I let this "detox" nonsense lure me in again. I just don't know where to go from here. I would love to force her to do the decent thing and help arrange the burial, but I know I can't get blood out of a turnip. There is part of me that wants to tell her that I am going to finish this estate business and then I want her to leave me alone!!! I know that's extreme, but I'm so tired of her BS! But then I wonder if doing that would make me just as immature as she is, and think maybe I should just arrange the burial and forget about it. Sigh. Having a hard time over here knowing what I can change, and what I have to find the serenity to accept.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Ugh, writing this out helped in a way, but it also made me realize how crappy it is that my relative's ashes are waiting at the cemetery to be buried because she's such a slacker. I was going to just arrange the burial myself months ago, but she insisted that she wanted to be there when they were buried and so would arrange it herself. And now it's like this battle of wills. It's not this particular task that I care about much, it's just that she hasn't taken on ANY task. I'm just so tired of doing everything while she and my brother enjoy the results. It's kind of bizarre that it's become a fight over arranging the burial--it's really a fight over everything about the way we relate!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I would bury my uncle.....for him and me, then I would cut all ties. I wouldn't tell her though, it would only fuel the fire. I have had to cut out many unhealthy relationships and I am thankful I did so for ME.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Concur with LMN.
Bury uncle,disengage from drama.
Second, if you feel the need to apologize for long
messages......did you not get the memo?
(THAT'S why were here........and I have almost 1500 posts of
bitching and whining to prove it!)
Bury uncle,disengage from drama.
Second, if you feel the need to apologize for long
messages......did you not get the memo?
(THAT'S why were here........and I have almost 1500 posts of
bitching and whining to prove it!)
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Thanks, guys. It means a lot to me to get some affirmation. Now that I think about it, I think it will be a relief to just call tomorrow and arrange the burial/gravestone. I needed to be reminded that I could do it for him and me, and not her. 
And thanks for the reassurance, Vale, I am not very good at asking for help, I'm used to the helper role more than the helpee (wonder where I learned that, ha!), so it's nice to know there are folks out there who ARE willing to help when help is needed! IDK how I will distance myself from my sister, I guess I'm just going to work on ignoring her if she does get in touch. I agree, LMN, trying to explain it will just fuel the fire. I'm not even going to bother telling her I arranged things. Thanks for giving me a little perspective.
And thanks for the reassurance, Vale, I am not very good at asking for help, I'm used to the helper role more than the helpee (wonder where I learned that, ha!), so it's nice to know there are folks out there who ARE willing to help when help is needed! IDK how I will distance myself from my sister, I guess I'm just going to work on ignoring her if she does get in touch. I agree, LMN, trying to explain it will just fuel the fire. I'm not even going to bother telling her I arranged things. Thanks for giving me a little perspective.
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I called this morning and arranged the interment. It took about 15 minutes--probably significantly less time than my sister took writing those e-mails enumerating all the reasons she was too busy to do it. Sigh. I'm going to resist the urge to write my sister and tell her that. I miss my uncle. He was a stand up guy, and never shied away from doing what needed to be done.
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jjj111, I think lovemenow is absolutely correct. I am so glad you decided to just do it yourself and free yourself from waiting (knowing it wont get done) and enduring more BS. Removing yourself from the drama will bring you so much peace! I wish you the best in the next few weeks/months. You deserve to have some peace and calm in your life!
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It must be a relief that your uncle is taken care of....
It's so easy to be lured by our loved ones during their recovery. It's easy to see when recovery isn't really recovery. Our gut tells us as yours told you (i got this from reading your post).
Peace is priceless. This is my mantra to my adult children...."you are disturbing my peace and I need my peace." It's mostly self talk that I do to remind myself that everyone deserves some peace from other peoples drama!
It's so easy to be lured by our loved ones during their recovery. It's easy to see when recovery isn't really recovery. Our gut tells us as yours told you (i got this from reading your post).
Peace is priceless. This is my mantra to my adult children...."you are disturbing my peace and I need my peace." It's mostly self talk that I do to remind myself that everyone deserves some peace from other peoples drama!
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Thanks, everyone! I was so close to my sister as a kid, we are the children of two alcoholics and as the big sister I often felt responsible for her. It has been so hard to shake that feeling over the years, but every time we get close it always explodes. She resents that I'm the "together" one, but at the same time keeps pushing me into that role. I feel guilty sometimes trying to detach, but her drama is just too much! I have my own problems, even if she can't see that and thinks I have it easy. Anyway, you're all so right, we all deserve our peace! I'm going to try to let her do her thing and focus on me.
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