A sit down talk? Hurts or helps?
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A sit down talk? Hurts or helps?
I have posted quite a few times about my AH prescription pill abuse- his newest is not only over using his multiple pills but now he's been snorting (I've seen the evidence in his nose almost everyday for the past couple months). Of course the first time I saw- I confronted- he denied and called me crazy. So I let it go, and have said nothing since. I used to confront him all the time about his abuse of pills- I had been confronting for years- but I've stopped that too and haven't said anything in a very long time. He admitted to me 5 years ago that he had a problem with Vicodin- his exact words were "it's taking over my life and I want my life back." So he found a doctor- who prescribed him Suboxine. But 5 years later he's still on Suboxine plus other pills that have been prescribed to him. He abuses all of them including the Suboxine ( I know this bc I used to investigate like a crazy wife). I no longer investigate, I no longer make my comments, which I guess is me trying to detach myself from his disease.
We live together, we have a toddler together, and I'm unexpectedly 4 months pregnant with our second. My husband is I guess what's called a high functioning addict. He works hard, makes good money, gives to charity, plays with his son etc.. The average person walking down the street wouldn't look at my Ah and think he was a drug addict. But the people that know him- know something is wrong. I can see it obviously worse then others. He's difficult to talk to just in general, he's irritable, he stays up all night and still manages to go to work he next day, he's distant, he's not the man I fell in love with- he's everything opposit of that.
Anyway, I was thinking of having a serious sit down talk with him. I know this can be frowned upon- but I feel like there's a big elephant in the room that we are both ignoring. I know what he's doing, he knows I know- but it's not talked about. Everytime I have confronted him in the past- it's been in anger and frustration- its been more of an attack at him- he denies and it gets dropped. Is it so bad for me to sit down calmly with my husband and tell him what I know, how it makes me feel, how I am worried, and that if he is willing to get help that I would be happy to support him in that, but if he's unwilling to get help- then I need to start thinking of me and the kids? Is this a bad idea?
I realize that he may very well deny it to my face. I realize that It may do nothing at all. But living with this elephant in the room is doing nothing either. I've been putting together a plan of action for me to leave if I need to, but I feel I need to exhaust this option before I do, because we have not talked about it in so long. And if I'm being completely honest- I'm scared to leave. I'm pregnant, I'm a stay at home mom so I rely on him financially ( so I will be going back to my parents if I leave), my son adores his dad ( how do I tell a 2 yr old that we can't live with daddy anymore), and I love my AH and part of me isn't ready to leave.
I'm sorry this is so long- I'm just lost and needing some guidance.
We live together, we have a toddler together, and I'm unexpectedly 4 months pregnant with our second. My husband is I guess what's called a high functioning addict. He works hard, makes good money, gives to charity, plays with his son etc.. The average person walking down the street wouldn't look at my Ah and think he was a drug addict. But the people that know him- know something is wrong. I can see it obviously worse then others. He's difficult to talk to just in general, he's irritable, he stays up all night and still manages to go to work he next day, he's distant, he's not the man I fell in love with- he's everything opposit of that.
Anyway, I was thinking of having a serious sit down talk with him. I know this can be frowned upon- but I feel like there's a big elephant in the room that we are both ignoring. I know what he's doing, he knows I know- but it's not talked about. Everytime I have confronted him in the past- it's been in anger and frustration- its been more of an attack at him- he denies and it gets dropped. Is it so bad for me to sit down calmly with my husband and tell him what I know, how it makes me feel, how I am worried, and that if he is willing to get help that I would be happy to support him in that, but if he's unwilling to get help- then I need to start thinking of me and the kids? Is this a bad idea?
I realize that he may very well deny it to my face. I realize that It may do nothing at all. But living with this elephant in the room is doing nothing either. I've been putting together a plan of action for me to leave if I need to, but I feel I need to exhaust this option before I do, because we have not talked about it in so long. And if I'm being completely honest- I'm scared to leave. I'm pregnant, I'm a stay at home mom so I rely on him financially ( so I will be going back to my parents if I leave), my son adores his dad ( how do I tell a 2 yr old that we can't live with daddy anymore), and I love my AH and part of me isn't ready to leave.
I'm sorry this is so long- I'm just lost and needing some guidance.
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You're in a tough spot.....no doubt. Let's talk about your motivation for wanting to talk (confront him) to him. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Do you want to let him know how you feel?
Do you want to try to convince him to stop using or get help?
Do you need to just get out what you've bottled up for a while?
Do you think he doesn't know his addiction is bothering you?
Do you have expectations of how he will or should react?
Is there a specific result you are hoping for?
How will you feel if your expectations of the conversation don't turn out the way you want them to?
Are you trying to force a solution?
There are no right or wrong answers to those questions.....it is simply a way to explore our own motives before we begin the dialogue.
The reason that I suggest looking at your own motivations is that, in my experience, when I closely examine my own motives it can change my approach for the better. If I'm doing something in an effort to try to get someone else to change, it usually hasn't gone well. When I talk about something stating boundaries.....and sticking to "I" statements instead of "you" statements.....saying what I mean, meaning what I say, and not saying it mean (even if the conversation goes sideways).......it usually goes better.
Are you getting any help for yourself? Not because there's something wrong with you (because that's not the case) but because addiction is very difficult to navigate alone. Therapy, meetings, support groups, anything that will provide you with support in taking care of you and your children......is worthwhile. Just like the addict needs help.......so do we.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Do you want to let him know how you feel?
Do you want to try to convince him to stop using or get help?
Do you need to just get out what you've bottled up for a while?
Do you think he doesn't know his addiction is bothering you?
Do you have expectations of how he will or should react?
Is there a specific result you are hoping for?
How will you feel if your expectations of the conversation don't turn out the way you want them to?
Are you trying to force a solution?
There are no right or wrong answers to those questions.....it is simply a way to explore our own motives before we begin the dialogue.
The reason that I suggest looking at your own motivations is that, in my experience, when I closely examine my own motives it can change my approach for the better. If I'm doing something in an effort to try to get someone else to change, it usually hasn't gone well. When I talk about something stating boundaries.....and sticking to "I" statements instead of "you" statements.....saying what I mean, meaning what I say, and not saying it mean (even if the conversation goes sideways).......it usually goes better.
Are you getting any help for yourself? Not because there's something wrong with you (because that's not the case) but because addiction is very difficult to navigate alone. Therapy, meetings, support groups, anything that will provide you with support in taking care of you and your children......is worthwhile. Just like the addict needs help.......so do we.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
You're in a tough spot.....no doubt. Let's talk about your motivation for wanting to talk (confront him) to him. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Do you want to let him know how you feel?
Do you want to try to convince him to stop using or get help?
Do you need to just get out what you've bottled up for a while?
Do you think he doesn't know his addiction is bothering you?
Do you have expectations of how he will or should react?
Is there a specific result you are hoping for?
How will you feel if your expectations of the conversation don't turn out the way you want them to?
Are you trying to force a solution?
There are no right or wrong answers to those questions.....it is simply a way to explore our own motives before we begin the dialogue.
The reason that I suggest looking at your own motivations is that, in my experience, when I closely examine my own motives it can change my approach for the better. If I'm doing something in an effort to try to get someone else to change, it usually hasn't gone well. When I talk about something stating boundaries.....and sticking to "I" statements instead of "you" statements.....saying what I mean, meaning what I say, and not saying it mean (even if the conversation goes sideways).......it usually goes better.
Are you getting any help for yourself? Not because there's something wrong with you (because that's not the case) but because addiction is very difficult to navigate alone. Therapy, meetings, support groups, anything that will provide you with support in taking care of you and your children......is worthwhile. Just like the addict needs help.......so do we.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Do you want to let him know how you feel?
Do you want to try to convince him to stop using or get help?
Do you need to just get out what you've bottled up for a while?
Do you think he doesn't know his addiction is bothering you?
Do you have expectations of how he will or should react?
Is there a specific result you are hoping for?
How will you feel if your expectations of the conversation don't turn out the way you want them to?
Are you trying to force a solution?
There are no right or wrong answers to those questions.....it is simply a way to explore our own motives before we begin the dialogue.
The reason that I suggest looking at your own motivations is that, in my experience, when I closely examine my own motives it can change my approach for the better. If I'm doing something in an effort to try to get someone else to change, it usually hasn't gone well. When I talk about something stating boundaries.....and sticking to "I" statements instead of "you" statements.....saying what I mean, meaning what I say, and not saying it mean (even if the conversation goes sideways).......it usually goes better.
Are you getting any help for yourself? Not because there's something wrong with you (because that's not the case) but because addiction is very difficult to navigate alone. Therapy, meetings, support groups, anything that will provide you with support in taking care of you and your children......is worthwhile. Just like the addict needs help.......so do we.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
I find most of my comfort in church- so that has kinda been my therapy lately. I'm also going to start attending Celebrate Recovery at my church as soon as I can.
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Church is another wonderful place to find support.....and I'm so glad you are going to give CR a try. Your pastor may be another resource for help, guidance and comfort.
I picked this sentence out because it's so very important. You won't be able to control how he reacts to the conversation.....he has a right to his feelings as well.....and he owns his reactions.....not you. The most important part of your sentence is the last part......it is the part you have control of.....your own actions and reactions.
Just a question (not a suggestion) does your husband feel comfortable with your pastor? Would he agree to speak with you and the pastor together? Or would that seem even more confrontational to him......you know your husband......I do not.
Wishing you luck and sending up prayers for you, your husband, your family.
gentle hugs
ke
I do have to carefully think of this before I do it, because I don't want to get angry or react if he gets angry.
Just a question (not a suggestion) does your husband feel comfortable with your pastor? Would he agree to speak with you and the pastor together? Or would that seem even more confrontational to him......you know your husband......I do not.
Wishing you luck and sending up prayers for you, your husband, your family.
gentle hugs
ke
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My husband does not go to church with me. He has gone in the past but he won't go anymore. I honestly believe that, too much at church makes him examine himself and the choices he makes- and I believe that he would rather hide from that. So no, he would not be comfortable with my pastor. I wish he would come to church bc in the past when he did go- he seemed better. But it's ok, he will come when he's ready. In the meantime I will continue to go without him- its truly the only time in the week I feel at peace and accepting of the events that are going on.
Thank you so much kind eyes for your advice- you are a great person to talk to on here. Your not judge mental in any way- it's comforting.
Thank you so much kind eyes for your advice- you are a great person to talk to on here. Your not judge mental in any way- it's comforting.
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Being able to have honest heart to heart talks with my husband has helped me, and I think if I stopped trying to do this, then Im straying further and further from the type of relationship I want to have with him. Take addiction out of it, and ask if it was something else going on in the marriage would you talk to him? If it was another type of illness would you be worried about talking to him about your frustrations, fears, how his illness is affecting you and the family, encouraging him to look for options, medical care to deal with it, or letting him know you want to support his getting healthy? The only difference with addiction is our perception of what it is, why it’s there, why its wrong to talk about it.
I know that elephant in the room, he was at my house too !!
I don’t think my husband wanted to keep his addiction going, but it was too strong for him most of the time and he couldn’t stop. My husband is a high functioning addict also. When he relapsed he hid it for months and I didn’t know about it until it got to a time of binge using. When actively using I think talking to them is tricky because of the denial, the shame they feel, and it can quickly turn into their taking a defensive position if they feel attacked. Notice I said “if they feel” doesn’t mean we are trying to attack them, we may be doing our best not to.
Ive been working on my own emotions, and this way Ive learned not to take his response personally, or let a talk turn into a damaging argument. I know sometimes his response is less about me and more about whats going on inside him.
I also feel like God directs me. I listen for the words on my heart and try to stick close to that script.
I know that elephant in the room, he was at my house too !!
I don’t think my husband wanted to keep his addiction going, but it was too strong for him most of the time and he couldn’t stop. My husband is a high functioning addict also. When he relapsed he hid it for months and I didn’t know about it until it got to a time of binge using. When actively using I think talking to them is tricky because of the denial, the shame they feel, and it can quickly turn into their taking a defensive position if they feel attacked. Notice I said “if they feel” doesn’t mean we are trying to attack them, we may be doing our best not to.
Ive been working on my own emotions, and this way Ive learned not to take his response personally, or let a talk turn into a damaging argument. I know sometimes his response is less about me and more about whats going on inside him.
I also feel like God directs me. I listen for the words on my heart and try to stick close to that script.
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[QUOTE=BlueChair;4515607]Being able to have honest heart to heart talks with my husband has helped me, and I think if I stopped trying to do this, then Im straying further and further from the type of relationship I want to have with him. Take addiction out of it, and ask if it was something else going on in the marriage would you talk to him? If it was another type of illness would you be worried about talking to him about your frustrations, fears, how his illness is affecting you and the family, encouraging him to look for options, medical care to deal with it, or letting him know you want to support his getting healthy? The only difference with addiction is our perception of what it is, why it’s there, why its wrong to talk about it. Quote]
Thank you for understanding my desire to talk to him. And you are correct- if It was anything else going on in the relationship- then it would be discussed.
I'm going to definately try to my best to do this but not from a place of frustration. Everyone in his life has ignored his addiction and I think at times it has made it easier for him to use. I've seen him get worse as I have backed off of him. I'm not saying that it's the only reason he is using more, but I think t does contribute. Don't get me wrong- I'm not going to go back to doing what I was doing ( snooping, constant comments, begging him to stop) that helps no one. I just want to have an honest conversation with him.
It's tricky when they are high functioning addicts, I feel at times I find myself in denial of his problems too bc it's not fully visible all the time.
Thank you for understanding my desire to talk to him. And you are correct- if It was anything else going on in the relationship- then it would be discussed.
I'm going to definately try to my best to do this but not from a place of frustration. Everyone in his life has ignored his addiction and I think at times it has made it easier for him to use. I've seen him get worse as I have backed off of him. I'm not saying that it's the only reason he is using more, but I think t does contribute. Don't get me wrong- I'm not going to go back to doing what I was doing ( snooping, constant comments, begging him to stop) that helps no one. I just want to have an honest conversation with him.
It's tricky when they are high functioning addicts, I feel at times I find myself in denial of his problems too bc it's not fully visible all the time.
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I have had many of these sit down conversations. Sometimes they went better then I expected, sometimes not. In the end, nothing I said mattered. In fact, I think it made things worse for me every time I heard the words I desperately wanted to hear. I hung onto hope like a dog with a bone. It fed into my "he is special, I can help him" thinking.
And yet knowing all that, I still have the urge to want to sit down with him and see if I can reach him ONE last time. But in my heart and brain, I know he will just tell me what I want to hear, but his actions will not match. It has to come from within.
But I would like to give you one bit of unsolicited advice that I wish I had done sooner. Get a safety deposit box and stash money away and don't tell him. He may be high functioning now but that is only a stage, not a type. Prepare for you and your children. Depending on an addict for financial security and to live up to his obligations was the biggest mistake I had ever made.....over and over again.
And yet knowing all that, I still have the urge to want to sit down with him and see if I can reach him ONE last time. But in my heart and brain, I know he will just tell me what I want to hear, but his actions will not match. It has to come from within.
But I would like to give you one bit of unsolicited advice that I wish I had done sooner. Get a safety deposit box and stash money away and don't tell him. He may be high functioning now but that is only a stage, not a type. Prepare for you and your children. Depending on an addict for financial security and to live up to his obligations was the biggest mistake I had ever made.....over and over again.
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LMN I do need to stash away some cash. I didn't intentionally become a stay at home mom until my son was born- he had health problems as an infant (he's perfectly healthy now) and he needed constant care. Plus medical bills were stacking up so paying for daycare wasnt an option. I've stayed home ever since. And just when my son was at an age where I felt I could go back to work- I find out I'm pregnant again. So I am in a tough spot right now without having my own financial income. Luckily I have amazing parents who I know would take me in until I am able to get on my own feet.
Thank you for your advice
Thank you for your advice
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I agree with the stashing of cash I am a pill addict in recovery, I was always pretty functional too. But it's not just about being functional or not, it is also about needing more and more of the drug to obtain the same level of high. Tolerance builds up rather quickly in an opiate addict. I went from a fairly inexpensive habit to a very pricy one. Better to safeguard the cash while its still there, than wait until later when it's all gone.
As far as a sit down discussion. It can't hurt to let him know how you feel. Before you do have this discussion, it would be wise to think about what exactly you are wishing to accomplish from this meeting. Because if you do start giving ultimatums you need to ask yourself if you are able and willing to back them up at this time. My guess is he's going to defend his addiction, or he's going to tell you what you want to hear. Neither of which will solve the problem.
IMHO learning more about addiction and discussing the problem with other family members, maybe an addiction specialist might be more beneficial. Getting everyone on the same page and including them in this meeting.....preparing an intervention. Gathering more family members and loved ones might make him take a more serious look at himself. Because I know that whenever my husband discussed my addiction with me I really didn't take it too seriously. I usually did a lot of "oh it's not that bad" or "yes, I'm going to quit". He might have felt better after the discussion but it never really solved the problem. It wasn't until he was walking out the door with my three kids did I take a more serious look at my addiction.
As far as a sit down discussion. It can't hurt to let him know how you feel. Before you do have this discussion, it would be wise to think about what exactly you are wishing to accomplish from this meeting. Because if you do start giving ultimatums you need to ask yourself if you are able and willing to back them up at this time. My guess is he's going to defend his addiction, or he's going to tell you what you want to hear. Neither of which will solve the problem.
IMHO learning more about addiction and discussing the problem with other family members, maybe an addiction specialist might be more beneficial. Getting everyone on the same page and including them in this meeting.....preparing an intervention. Gathering more family members and loved ones might make him take a more serious look at himself. Because I know that whenever my husband discussed my addiction with me I really didn't take it too seriously. I usually did a lot of "oh it's not that bad" or "yes, I'm going to quit". He might have felt better after the discussion but it never really solved the problem. It wasn't until he was walking out the door with my three kids did I take a more serious look at my addiction.
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We live together, we have a toddler together, and I'm unexpectedly 4 months pregnant with our second
if he's using and abusing pills, snorting them, in the home, that means the toddler runs the risk of finding daddy's pills, or straws or other things with drug residue on them and ingesting them. THAT is the concern, IHMO. children have the right to a drug free environment.
but if he's unwilling to get help- then I need to start thinking of me and the kids? Is this a bad idea?
no, you think of you and the kids FIRST, before him. he's a full grown adult and certainly has the means to get help on his own if he WANTS to. the children have no choice, no voice, no vote....except thru you.
if he's using and abusing pills, snorting them, in the home, that means the toddler runs the risk of finding daddy's pills, or straws or other things with drug residue on them and ingesting them. THAT is the concern, IHMO. children have the right to a drug free environment.
but if he's unwilling to get help- then I need to start thinking of me and the kids? Is this a bad idea?
no, you think of you and the kids FIRST, before him. he's a full grown adult and certainly has the means to get help on his own if he WANTS to. the children have no choice, no voice, no vote....except thru you.
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CleaninLI- thank you for your insight as a recovering addict. Your right, he will most likely deny his issues with pills or just tell me what I want to hear. But I do need to address the issues and tell him my feelings towards it. I am fully prepared to back up my ultimatum- I have to be because I have been living like this for far too many years and I deserve better.
As far as an intervention- I've tried getting his parents involved in the past but they are afraid to confront him. I guess they are afraid that he will dismiss them from his life if they confront him. They are not at all educated on addiction, and I've tried asking them to educate themselves but they just won't. His mother just calls me crying asking me to confront him about his problems. They are not the best people to have an intervention with. And I don't think anyone else would really make an impact on him.
As far as an intervention- I've tried getting his parents involved in the past but they are afraid to confront him. I guess they are afraid that he will dismiss them from his life if they confront him. They are not at all educated on addiction, and I've tried asking them to educate themselves but they just won't. His mother just calls me crying asking me to confront him about his problems. They are not the best people to have an intervention with. And I don't think anyone else would really make an impact on him.
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In family counseling we’re doing Ive learned one of the most important things is to always relate to my husband as a whole person, its not healthy for either of us if we only think about the giant elephant of addiction that gets between us sometimes. If I focus only on that part of him then all the other things between us are smothered, and we’re not even true marriage partners anymore. Im not sure what your relationship is like with your husband, and you don’t have to discuss it here but if there’s been an overall distance growing between you, then the sit down talk might be more productive if it starts with being honest about how you miss not spending time together, or long talks you used to have. I guess Im saying there might be a build up to approaching your feelings on the drugs, and how he feels about them.
But please know Im not trying to tell you how to handle it, just sharing a little of what Ive been learning, and trying to apply myself.
Thursday I came home from counseling to find my husband having a go with a bottle of wine during a little pity party for himself. He’s not using drugs, and has been working on his recovery but its been hard, messy. He’s never done this before, first reaction in my mind was OMG what is he doing, he cant do this, and I wanted to grab that wine bottle away from him and yell. I took a minute to gather myself, and then I walked over and sat down next to him and calmly asked what’s going on? He started talking about his bad day, work, all his problems, other people, life wasn’t fair. Before long we were talking back and forth, there was no screaming match, any mean words to shame him, I could feel his pain. He even said he was sorry he wasn’t perfect. I told him I don’t expect him to be perfect, I love him as he is, but reaffirmed drinking is a short term fix, he needs to keep working on the long term solution. Maybe there wasn’t a lightning bolt that came down and will cause him change his whole life around, but was it pointless conversation, I don’t think so. I didn’t engage in the conversation expecting a specific long term outcome, I just wanted to be there for him, let him know as his wife I care. Im happy he only took one more drink and poured the rest out, but if he hadn’t I know it wouldn’t have been because I failed him in any way.
I agree saving up money is a good idea. I found out my husband had been spending money I knew nothing about. He was still paying the bills, but it was coming from other sources, and he spent a lot. Wasn’t all to fund his drugs, most of it can only be chalked up to bad decision making, spending while he was high. I had always let him deal with the finances, and now Im learning I have to get involved so I have a picture of whats going on. That shouldn’t even be an addiction thing, I should have made it a normal wife thing after we got married.
((MLJ88)) big hugs, I feel your pain.
But please know Im not trying to tell you how to handle it, just sharing a little of what Ive been learning, and trying to apply myself.
Thursday I came home from counseling to find my husband having a go with a bottle of wine during a little pity party for himself. He’s not using drugs, and has been working on his recovery but its been hard, messy. He’s never done this before, first reaction in my mind was OMG what is he doing, he cant do this, and I wanted to grab that wine bottle away from him and yell. I took a minute to gather myself, and then I walked over and sat down next to him and calmly asked what’s going on? He started talking about his bad day, work, all his problems, other people, life wasn’t fair. Before long we were talking back and forth, there was no screaming match, any mean words to shame him, I could feel his pain. He even said he was sorry he wasn’t perfect. I told him I don’t expect him to be perfect, I love him as he is, but reaffirmed drinking is a short term fix, he needs to keep working on the long term solution. Maybe there wasn’t a lightning bolt that came down and will cause him change his whole life around, but was it pointless conversation, I don’t think so. I didn’t engage in the conversation expecting a specific long term outcome, I just wanted to be there for him, let him know as his wife I care. Im happy he only took one more drink and poured the rest out, but if he hadn’t I know it wouldn’t have been because I failed him in any way.
I agree saving up money is a good idea. I found out my husband had been spending money I knew nothing about. He was still paying the bills, but it was coming from other sources, and he spent a lot. Wasn’t all to fund his drugs, most of it can only be chalked up to bad decision making, spending while he was high. I had always let him deal with the finances, and now Im learning I have to get involved so I have a picture of whats going on. That shouldn’t even be an addiction thing, I should have made it a normal wife thing after we got married.
((MLJ88)) big hugs, I feel your pain.
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Thank you so much blue chair. You give great advice on how to approach this situation with my AH. And yes our marriage is falling apart in every aspect. It's not just bc of him either, a lot of it has to do with the resentment that I have towards him about the addiction. I'm having a hard time letting go of that resentment (church is helping me). I have to approach this the right way, and I should start with other problems beyond the addiction- because your right- he's a person not just an addict.
Thank you so much for your insight.
Thank you so much for your insight.
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And bluechair- I'm so happy to hear that you and your husband are having success as a married couple working through this terrible disease. It's nice to hear and gives hope. I wish you and your husband the best.
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I find the stay at home moms run the highest risk. I suggest you have a cash fund for yourself, keep copies of all important papers you may need, etc.
I think BlueChair is wonderful and has a very good approach to how she handles addiction. I also know some may not be so cooperative.
Addiction is a progressive disease, so I say prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Please make sure your children are always first as addiction takes a toll on them.
God Bless.
I think BlueChair is wonderful and has a very good approach to how she handles addiction. I also know some may not be so cooperative.
Addiction is a progressive disease, so I say prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Please make sure your children are always first as addiction takes a toll on them.
God Bless.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
IMO, there is a big difference in talking with an active addict and one that has had some treatment. When my husband was clean our communication was healthy and positive. However, after he relapsed.....I was simply talking to his addiction and I became the enemy.
Do I regret trying to talk to him?? No, not really, not if I did it once....although I am a little embarrassed to say.... He said everything I wanted to hear and I bought it all. That's why it important to watch their action.
In the end, I decided for me, I wasn't qualified, it was exhausting, and I was tired of having a very unbalanced, one sided relationship. It became all about him, his needs, his recovery, his struggles and his use. I learned it was his problem, he had support and I just want a healthy life with "normal" ups and downs. I guess I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired but it took a while to get there.
Do I regret trying to talk to him?? No, not really, not if I did it once....although I am a little embarrassed to say.... He said everything I wanted to hear and I bought it all. That's why it important to watch their action.
In the end, I decided for me, I wasn't qualified, it was exhausting, and I was tired of having a very unbalanced, one sided relationship. It became all about him, his needs, his recovery, his struggles and his use. I learned it was his problem, he had support and I just want a healthy life with "normal" ups and downs. I guess I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired but it took a while to get there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 123
LMN- I completely understand what you are saying. And my AH will probably either- deny everything to my face, or tell me what I want to hear. I'm still thinking through this decision to want to have a calm talk with my husband. As kindeyes said- I need to control MY reaction to his reaction. I'm not necessarily wanting to do this to convince him into recovery, bc lets be honest- if he wanted to get better then he would have done that already. I just really want to get some things off my chest to him. I want him to hear how this makes me feel in this situation. I don't think he even realizes how bad our marriage has become- bc I never say a damn word to him about how unhappy I am in it.
I have to stick with "I" statements, because it is not my intention to attack him, it's my intention to have a calm heart to heart with the man that I married. I know that it can go very wrong and I may not get the reaction I am hoping for. But it's ok- bc atleast I was honest with him and able to say what I felt I needed to say. If he dismisses it- that's his deal.
I have to stick with "I" statements, because it is not my intention to attack him, it's my intention to have a calm heart to heart with the man that I married. I know that it can go very wrong and I may not get the reaction I am hoping for. But it's ok- bc atleast I was honest with him and able to say what I felt I needed to say. If he dismisses it- that's his deal.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
IMO, there is a big difference in talking with an active addict and one that has had some treatment
Honestly, I remember none of the content nor any of them specifically. I typed up a letter one time that I saved, but that's the only reminder. I do remember feeling no sense of relief or satisfaction, except during private therapy.
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