LoveMeNow

I always believed I was some how "reaching" him. I think there was a time or two, I may have.....I don't know. But what I do know, is that it must come from within. He had to want and work at it....when he was ready.

I realize now.....I did helped create more deception by him. I was also asking him to lie to me over and over each time I confronted him.

BlueChair

Distance had been growing between me and my husband even before he started on the drugs again. In counseling the doctor explained the relapse started within my husbands brain and emotions, coping skills long before he took the first drug. Then when he started using the gulf between us got bigger but I attributed a lot of it to his being intense with his work. (something that had happened during our relationship). I said nothing and to this day it makes me angry I allowed those feelings to grow in me. My instincts said something was wrong between us, but I didnt act on them.

He actually admitted the relapse to me, its how I found out. Of course he said he was done, wouldnt happen again. I did believe him because I didnt understand how complex addiction is at that time. part of him wanted to stop, but he couldnt, didnt have the strength. He remembers our conversations and letting me down, lying, it ate at him, made him feel worse about himself and he used more to make those feelings go away.

But what Im learning is even now he's in recovery its been bumpy so far. He has post acute withdrawal symptoms, anxiety, he will lose a pen and search 30 minutes for that pen even though we have 20 others, recently he wanted me to move back to my parents because he needed to be alone and didnt want to hurt me, now he says he needs me. Talking to him is complicated because of his emotions. Its scary when at 3am he cant sleep and tells me he has anxiety and is craving his drug. My goal is to steady myself emotionally so I can handle all this with him, be ready for anything and keep being happy and productive in my life. Its so much about me not him. Im proud of the way I handled things the other day because it could have turned out very different, a fight, his drinking the whole bottle and leaving the house to drink all night, or even get high. My being in tears and saying tons of things I regret. Im learning its all complicated.

Im feeling stronger as I go, the more work I do on me, understanding my own emotions, and learning to control them.

I think your on a path of self discovery, and you'll unearth what works for you as your walking along. ((MLJ88))

Firefall

[QUOTE=LoveMeNow;4515775] In fact, I think it made things worse for me every time I heard the words I desperately wanted to hear. I hung onto hope like a dog with a bone. It fed into my "he is special, I can help him" thinking.

QUOTE]

Exactly, doesn't matter if spouse, family member just that you love them and want to believe

Firefall

quoting seems to be .... not working

LoveMeNow

I have experienced a lot of what Bluechair described. See, I thought if he only stopped taking pills, all the problems would go away. I had no idea the hard part was just beginning. I thought recovery was the easier part. Boy, was I wrong.

In the end, there is nothing easy about addiction, active or not. I am just finally at the point where I just don't want it in my life any more. I want a healthy partner who can enjoy and deal with what life has to offer...the good and the bad.

Although I have so much compassion for those inflicted with this disease, I am exhausted with dealing it with it on any level. The addict is my life, my husband, became number one. His addiction, his recovery, his feelings, his ups ands downs, his inability to sleep, work pressures, etc all became the constant focal point of our life. God forbid, I have a bad day..... Keep reading, it's almost always all about them with a few..."I am good though " sentences thrown in because denial is so powerful. Accepting the truth took me a long time. It wasn't easy, still isn't. I was tired of being his life coach, therapist, whipping girl, and his mother. Being his wife seemed more and more depressing because it was usually very one sided because he couldn't deal with own emotions, much less mine.

The best words have yet to come...."I am free"....

Keep the focus on you, the best you can. Living with an addict, and often one in recovery, is just a very difficult road especially for those without the disease. It can suck the life right out of you without even realizing it.

Vale

Sometimes it boils down to in the end.....

"I won't let anyone treat me like this anymore"

-once this critical point is reached......promises are no longer redeemed in cash,
and actions are the only negotiable currency. As the addict cannot muster any
hard currency (only write checks) .......the age old give/get yields to but a
barren take/take/take........which noone can sustain forever----no matter HOW
strong they deem themselves to be.

MLJ88

Thanks everyone for all the advice and personal stories. All of you are further along in your own recovery then I am. Most of you have been dealing with an addict much longer than I (over 5 years for me). But so many of those years- I've spent racking my brain on how to save him and lost myself in that. I still lose myself in that. But SR here and all the info in the stickys have really opened up my eyes.

So thanks everyone.

LoveMeNow

There is no time limit, it's only when and if you decide you can't do this another day, another hour, or another minute.

I have no idea when my husband crossed over to an addict. He says.....since birth. I know I had many great years with him but overtime, they became less and less great.

When I joined SR, I still didn't really understand addiction, I doubt I ever will. I remember the day in April 2012, when I read a poem "I am your disease" and the life I once knew came to screeching halt. In hindsight, it had really gone way down hill but I started to understand I was in denial, didn't like my solutions and needed to get professional help.

It was taken me over 2 long years to get here today. He threw in the recovery card and I was filled with hope. I think he tried to change for me, but that never really does work. We had some good months and some bad. But in the end, I finally decided......I deserve better, I won't settle another day and life is too short.

You will get there too, if that's where you decide you want to go. I simply found life with an addict to be lonely, depressing and crazy making.

LoveMeNow

Wrong thread. Sorry!

MLJ88

LMN- it seemed to fit this thread perfectly, so thanks.

LoveMeNow

Please know I am not judging. I truly understand how difficult it is to leave and I am not even gone yet. Lol

MLJ88

I don't think your judging at all. I welcome all helpful advice/support/comments. I know when someone is being snarky and not (I've ignored a couple here on SR), dont worry your not one of them lol.

BlueChair

I hope I didn’t scare you by saying even recovery can be hard. I know people told me it would be best to detach emotionally or physically because it would be so hard on me this first year, but Im not feeling that at all ! I dont view addiction as anything more than an illness. Right now I wouldn’t be anywhere else, and I love my husband and our life. Sure its a little rough at times, and when someone is sick with any kind of illness its easy to lose yourself with worry, stress, forget self care. Its not specific to addiction. Probably you felt a little of that even when you had your first child? My mom says I changed her life !! for the better of course !!

I don’t know how I would handled it if he hadn’t stopped using, or what I will do if he relapses again, maybe in time it will wear me down if he doesnt find lasting recovery. This was a relapse, and it was 8 years since last episode. Leaving isnt even a blip for me at this point, and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. We're all entitled to feel exactly as we do, at any given time, and allowed to change our minds as our circumstances change. I support you whatever point your at, whatever your doing today, tomorrow.

Firefall

Thanks blue chair I am right there with my 63 year old RA/sister aside from A she is not well. For now, as long as she is not a danger to herself or others my decision is to figure how to detach while providing her with a safe place to live... I want my life and energy back, but I also want to be able to sleep at night. The only thing holding me back is myself, and the hyper-vigilence because I care even if she can't.