KF85

My husband has been off of opiates (pills, snorting) for about 8 months now. It's still hard to trust and he has a tendency to be evasive just because he claims my asking questions is driving him crazy. I suppose I'm a bit codependent but I worry. He is on suboxone and has been slowly weaning and doing great but the worry is still there, especially when he's being weird in general or friends come around that I know still have drug issues (which isn't often but on occasion). It's hard and I don't know that I'll ever fully trust him again after going back and forth with the pills and the lies for like 3 years. I don't say this to him but I wish he could empathize a bit more with my feelings since I constantly do the same for him. If he was more forthcoming with me in general I would worry less and accuse less but it's like we are still in that "dance" except instead of actual drugs (I think anyway) it's a dance about privacy and control.

AnvilheadII

why DON'T you tell him this directly and from your heart? using I statements....

When you are not forthcoming with your plans/whereabouts/activities,
I FEEL untrusting/suspicious/insecure which leads me to ask even more questions.

and then suggest a solution.

i agree that's its a question of chicken or the egg....he's evasive, you get uncomfortable, you ask more questions, he feels pressured, he clams up, you get uncomfortable and round and round we go!!! OR he's being evasive cuz he does have something to hide. thing is, that's the part you won't know unless you put a gps device on him or make him wear a webcam.

perhaps instead of trying to place trust when you don't feel comfortable doing that right now, you can work on detaching a bit from the NEED TO KNOW? this is STILL something i work on!!! i'll be fine, and then it's like 5:20pm and he's not home yet, and even Seattle traffic isn't THAT bad and he does have a cell phone....and if i'm not careful with my line of thinking??? WOOSH, i get caught up in the vortex and Dammit, where the HELL is he? how hard it is to use the phone? you thoughtless selfish SOB!!!! maybe I should just leave and he can come home to an empty house!!! (this is after going thru the dead in a ditch scenarios)

and this is after years post addiction where he has been nothing BUT trustworthy!!! never leave a woman alone in a room with a clock too long!

FourTwentyOne

This is one of the key reasons I don't want STBXAH moving back home. He has completely destroyed my trust, and I don't think he can ever get it back. How can you stay with someone you distrust?

Sorry I don't have the answer, but I understand where you are coming from!

KF85

i agree that's its a question of chicken or the egg....he's evasive, you get uncomfortable, you ask more questions, he feels pressured, he clams up, you get uncomfortable and round and round we go!!! OR he's being evasive cuz he does have something to hide. thing is, that's the part you won't know unless you put a gps device on him or make him wear a webcam.

I know I need to let go of the need to know. I just feel so much better in general if I do. I realize that it's codependent but it's also "my" part of recovery from his addiction since it so affected our lives our family and majorly our bank account. I always worry it's going to start again at any time. I want to quit worrying.

KF85

Actually that's in my head too 421. Maybe I should think more about leaving if I can't trust. I am too anxious and it's not good for me. I just wish he could see it more as the loved one of an addict and understand where I come from and why I worry, instead of it only from his own perspective of feeling nagged or questioned or whatever.

Ann

It's hard when they don't have years of recovery. I used to go through this with my son, he might get clean and be working his program for several months but I would still not leave money laying around or trust him alone in my home.

When he would question this I would tell him, "I trust you, I just don't trust your disease". This appeased him for a while.

The thing with my son was, he never did hang on to his recovery so the lack of trust was warranted. But it probably hurt me as much as it hurt him, I probably should have just protected myself, my money and my valuables and left the rest up to him.

Good luck working on this, trust takes time to earn back and it also takes time for us to heal from old wounds.

Hugs

KF85

The problem is I can't even say something like "I trust you, just not your disease." He still really won't fully admit how big a problem he really had, or that he was powerless over it, or that he IS an addict (was?). He acknowledges that he doesn't do pills anymore and that's about it. He still minimizes which I think is very much why he doesn't get my trust issues.

FourTwentyOne

Leaving is not the right thing to do for everyone. I see a lot of people here talking about how to live with an RA. I also see a lot of people talking about how addiction is a progressive disease. No two situations are the same. I still firmly believe where there is a will, there is a way. If you really want to make things work, then you will find a way for it to work for you. Maybe that means making sure your finances are totally and completely separate. Having house rules, that include everyone, if you will be more than half an hour late, you will call without fail to let the other person know. Only you know what you are willing to live with.

Only other people who love addicts understand the ins and outs of what you are going through, keep posting and reading, it's a great way to sort your world out when it seems too much to handle alone

LoveMeNow

My husband tried the suboxone route too, without working a program. In his case, it was nothing more then a scam. He just didn't take the suboxone and took pills.

I thought suboxone, Vivitrol or pill form naltroxone was the answer to all "our" problems. It wasn't even close.

Later on, He went through terrible withdrawals from suboxone and the call of the drugs was something he couldn't handle and he was working a program.

I say trust your gut. It never lies. If you are feeling anxious or doubting your reality...there is a reason why.

True recovery is can not be missed. The difference is night and day. IMO, the rest is all garbage.

LoveMeNow

And those are all major red flags!!

KF85

No he's actually taking the suboxone (I physically see it, yea yea I shouldn't be such a hawk LOL). I don't think he's using again right now. I honestly don't. My gut has been right every time. It's just the fact that he won't really come to feeling like he owes me a little space to still be paranoid. Like he's over it, I should be too. Not that easy.

LoveMeNow I suppose those "red flags" are why I worry about future "relapses" even if he isn't actively using now.

MLJ88

That's exactly the dance with my AH- except he's not in recovery- but he knows I know he's on the pills but bc they are prescribed- he acts like he doesn't really have a problem- even though he's snorting half of them. He won't really admit it. He's admitted it in the past when he was severely addicted to Vicodin- but bc he went to a doc who gave him Suboxine- he thinks he's fine now. He's not and we do the "dance" too. It's frustrating

MLJ88

Yep my AH is on Suboxine too- but somehow has become dependent on it- he's been on it for 5 years and severely abuses it (buys from friends when his prescription goes empty). And the Suboxine doesn't give a high so now he's found other pills to help with that and crushes them up and snorts them (Xanax adderrall). I don't think there is any magic pill that can help them if they are not in a program of some sort for recovery.

If you see red flags- then I wouldn't be too quick to trust.

KF85

I think at this point I might be going crazy looking for things that aren't there. My gut says he's not using. I KNOW he is doing well on the suboxone. We aren't missing money randomly and he isn't running out randomly etc. The only thing is he wants me to quit being so questioning about every little thing. Which I can understand, but it's not that easy yet. At the same time I am driving myself crazy likely looking for a problem when there isn't one, and sitting on pins and needles in anticipation that someday there may be another problem.

hopeful4

I completely understand. It is raw fear because you are done w/the drugs and that life.

Time will show you how committed he is.

God Bless.

KF85

Thanks Hopeful. It is the raw fear that at any time this could happen again (at least it feels that way since it's still fairly fresh) and maybe even because I know deep down that there will be no more chances, it's scarier. I KNOW I have exhausted myself of the addiction and if it's active again, I will leave. I don't want to have to I suppose because I do love him.

gabriel01

KF85,

don't ignore all the major red flags. You are probably right that he is not using at this moment. But if he does not admit he has problems or he is powerless over drugs, there is a real big problem of his recovery.

hopeful4

I truly understand. I encourage you to do things for yourself that will help calm your anxiety. I am seeing a new therapist that specializes in families w/addiction (by myself, this is not marriage counseling, this is for ME). I think it is going to really help. I have also been advised to workout and maybe try yoga and I read alot. Have a life outside of this is what I guess I am trying to say.

KF85

Yea I do need to try therapy despite not really wanting to need to. For ME. I am a busy working mom, my life is about taking care of our kids and our home, working, and taking care of him, more than I should.

gabriel01

Then stop taking care of him. Use those time to give yourself a little break to relax. He is an adult, he can take care of himself.