So many questions.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Let me preface this with...I simply cannot imagine ever trusting another man intimately with my heart and soul. Sure, I'll have dinner. Sorry if you run into my straightarm on the way to the door... I didn't realize it was there. Oh wait, yes I did.
So I have no helpful advice, though I am thankful to others for theirs. I'd sure like to believe I'll get there someday.
I read something in a book a while back. (An actual novel, not one of the 750 self help books I've read.) I found it really intriguing. Here's the quote:
"You all seem to think you should marry someone when you feel this intense emotion, which you call love. And then you expect that love will fade over time, as life gets harder. When what you should do is find a nice enough fellow and let real love develop over years and births and deaths and so on."
The old woman talking in the story initially didn't like her hubby when he asked her out because he was "boring" next to the flashier guys she liked to date. Later she is pondering how lucky she was to have chosen him as she watches younger relationships crumble.
I was drawn to this quote. Not my history, but I sort of wish it were. Pick a good guy and let the love develop through shared experiences.
But hey, I thought I did...
So I have no helpful advice, though I am thankful to others for theirs. I'd sure like to believe I'll get there someday.
I read something in a book a while back. (An actual novel, not one of the 750 self help books I've read.) I found it really intriguing. Here's the quote:
"You all seem to think you should marry someone when you feel this intense emotion, which you call love. And then you expect that love will fade over time, as life gets harder. When what you should do is find a nice enough fellow and let real love develop over years and births and deaths and so on."
The old woman talking in the story initially didn't like her hubby when he asked her out because he was "boring" next to the flashier guys she liked to date. Later she is pondering how lucky she was to have chosen him as she watches younger relationships crumble.
I was drawn to this quote. Not my history, but I sort of wish it were. Pick a good guy and let the love develop through shared experiences.
But hey, I thought I did...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Other societies do it differently. Matchmaking. Families doing the picking.
I don't think there is a right answer.
One of the most fascinating sociological trends I see today is the phenomenon
of delaying or putting marriage off altogether. I have discussed this with people
whose acumen I trust and there are divergent views.
Is marriage always better? At the lower end of socioeconomics, I am not so sure.
Some of the 'manchildren' we are producing of late seem ill-equipped to prosper in
a rapidly changing economy. The fair sex seems to be of the notion that they have no
need of a 'senior child' to babysit. When you have a powerful horse---it pays to hitch
him up to a carriage or a plow. Lame horses provide none of these benefits. Can't
exactly build a life on skillsets limited to narcotic ingestion and baby production (the easy
part of the latter---not the hard part of raising said offspring)
As far as 'flash' goes----my daughter and I have discussed this in depth. "All show
and no dough" has been an axiom since time immemorial.
Try some of these 'lines' out (and their translation)
He plays by his own rules (he can't compete in a straight competition)
He's mysterious (he has no accomplishments to brag about)
No one can tame him (a taunt for suckers)
No friends/a loner (does a parole officer count?)
Smoooooth talker ('cause that is what works on 'romantics')
Not materialistic (easy when you're broke)
My daughter dumped (not so recently) such a "man of dubiety"----so anything I say
in this regard must be taken with a grain of salt.
It was irritating, to say the least. He was 'into computers'. Hmmmmm. OK.
Could mean a lot of things. The lack of specificity pointed toward gaming/porn/
getting as fat as possible as fast as possible on Cheetos whilst getting my soon-
to-be professional daughter to foot the bill.
No can do, Kimosabe.
I know what you are thinking. That there is nothing more savage, vicious, and
bullcrap destroying than a Dad seeing his daughter potentially wedlocked
to one of these ******** artists.
You would be right.I plead no contest.
I don't think there is a right answer.
One of the most fascinating sociological trends I see today is the phenomenon
of delaying or putting marriage off altogether. I have discussed this with people
whose acumen I trust and there are divergent views.
Is marriage always better? At the lower end of socioeconomics, I am not so sure.
Some of the 'manchildren' we are producing of late seem ill-equipped to prosper in
a rapidly changing economy. The fair sex seems to be of the notion that they have no
need of a 'senior child' to babysit. When you have a powerful horse---it pays to hitch
him up to a carriage or a plow. Lame horses provide none of these benefits. Can't
exactly build a life on skillsets limited to narcotic ingestion and baby production (the easy
part of the latter---not the hard part of raising said offspring)
As far as 'flash' goes----my daughter and I have discussed this in depth. "All show
and no dough" has been an axiom since time immemorial.
Try some of these 'lines' out (and their translation)
He plays by his own rules (he can't compete in a straight competition)
He's mysterious (he has no accomplishments to brag about)
No one can tame him (a taunt for suckers)
No friends/a loner (does a parole officer count?)
Smoooooth talker ('cause that is what works on 'romantics')
Not materialistic (easy when you're broke)
My daughter dumped (not so recently) such a "man of dubiety"----so anything I say
in this regard must be taken with a grain of salt.
It was irritating, to say the least. He was 'into computers'. Hmmmmm. OK.
Could mean a lot of things. The lack of specificity pointed toward gaming/porn/
getting as fat as possible as fast as possible on Cheetos whilst getting my soon-
to-be professional daughter to foot the bill.
No can do, Kimosabe.
I know what you are thinking. That there is nothing more savage, vicious, and
bullcrap destroying than a Dad seeing his daughter potentially wedlocked
to one of these ******** artists.
You would be right.I plead no contest.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Do you remember the movie "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers", it's an old movie but surely has had at least one re-make. Anyway, in that movie these pod things from outer space randomly snatch earthlings and change them into "them" and although they look the same, they are not.
It's the kind of movie you watch and "get" what is happening, but then they hit one of the characters you really like and you think "Oh No! Not HIM!" or you yell at a female character "NO!! DON'T GO THERE!!!" because you know what is going to happen when she does, and you cover your eyes.
That's what addiction is like, to me. It snatches our loved ones and changes them, and us, forever. It doesn't care if they are Harvard graduates or the barn cleaner's son, rich or poor, Olympian winner or last week's loser...it doesn't care. It snatches their soul and we cannot stop it. We can try to hide our children from this, but it takes children too. We try to change them back and find we don't have the power to do that.
It's a hideous disease that has turned me into a zero tolerance "change the laws to legalize over my dead body" kinda person....because I KNOW, I have seen the body (and soul) snatchers in action.
In the movie, as in most horror movies, the ending is usually that the survivors leave town and find a better life to recover and heal some place else. That's as close to a happy ending as they could get...but really, before there is any "happy" there has to be survival.
I don't know if this makes a lick of sense, but you ARE a surviver and you will find your "happy" one day soon. It may not be the same happy you knew because you are now wiser and know what the body and soul snatching pods look like. But that same knowledge will keep you safe another time in the future and save you from more pain and heartache. I promise.
Hugs
It's the kind of movie you watch and "get" what is happening, but then they hit one of the characters you really like and you think "Oh No! Not HIM!" or you yell at a female character "NO!! DON'T GO THERE!!!" because you know what is going to happen when she does, and you cover your eyes.
That's what addiction is like, to me. It snatches our loved ones and changes them, and us, forever. It doesn't care if they are Harvard graduates or the barn cleaner's son, rich or poor, Olympian winner or last week's loser...it doesn't care. It snatches their soul and we cannot stop it. We can try to hide our children from this, but it takes children too. We try to change them back and find we don't have the power to do that.
It's a hideous disease that has turned me into a zero tolerance "change the laws to legalize over my dead body" kinda person....because I KNOW, I have seen the body (and soul) snatchers in action.
In the movie, as in most horror movies, the ending is usually that the survivors leave town and find a better life to recover and heal some place else. That's as close to a happy ending as they could get...but really, before there is any "happy" there has to be survival.
I don't know if this makes a lick of sense, but you ARE a surviver and you will find your "happy" one day soon. It may not be the same happy you knew because you are now wiser and know what the body and soul snatching pods look like. But that same knowledge will keep you safe another time in the future and save you from more pain and heartache. I promise.
Hugs
Last edited by Ann; 03-05-2014 at 07:26 PM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Ann,
That is an amazing analogy.......I must catch this "Invasion" movie.
As far as the rich/poor thing......when I began this I hid behind THAT
particular "cardboard shield".....e.g. "You don't BELONG in this crappy
world, you are a ________".
It really WAS a cardboard shield------versus a flamethrower!
As far as changing the laws. I feel the same. I don't think MJ is in the
same class as heroin, but her son became a pothead......sapped EVERY
motivation from the kid. It's all he does all day/ every day. His long term
girlfriend ditched him (and broke his heart) because she didn't want to be
tethered to this 'lifestyle'.
Hideous does not begin to describe this scourge.
That is an amazing analogy.......I must catch this "Invasion" movie.
As far as the rich/poor thing......when I began this I hid behind THAT
particular "cardboard shield".....e.g. "You don't BELONG in this crappy
world, you are a ________".
It really WAS a cardboard shield------versus a flamethrower!
As far as changing the laws. I feel the same. I don't think MJ is in the
same class as heroin, but her son became a pothead......sapped EVERY
motivation from the kid. It's all he does all day/ every day. His long term
girlfriend ditched him (and broke his heart) because she didn't want to be
tethered to this 'lifestyle'.
Hideous does not begin to describe this scourge.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 123
LMN- your husband most likely didn't see it coming either. Just like any disease. That's the thing, when you do find someone else to live your life with- there is no way of knowing that this won't happen again. The difference will be that you won't stay around to let it drag you down- you will be equipped with all the tools to make the best decision for you and you alone.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
WOW Ann, that's a great analogy! Very powerful, very accurate!!
I am a survivor, I am leaving town, leaving all the wreckage behind.
(And if you see my house right now, you would know I am exaggerating in the least.
)
I am a survivor, I am leaving town, leaving all the wreckage behind.
(And if you see my house right now, you would know I am exaggerating in the least.
)
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