SavingMySon

My 22 y/o is in his 9th inpatient rehab. This time it is not court mandated and I am hoping he has hit rock bottom. He cannot come home after rehab and he knows this. Therefore he will go to a sober community in or near Ft. Lauderdale, FL. He has told me that sober communites are drug dens, and he wants to succeed, but thinks a sober community will cause more harm than good.

Part of me feels like I am being manipulated (as ususal), but after reading some things about sober communities, I am not so sure. I want to give him the best chance to succeed. Can anyone reccomend good sober living facilities in the Ft. Lauderdale area. He gets out of rehab in 20 days.

Thanks.

Ann

I'm not from your area so can't help much with that, but my son is an addict so I can indeed relate to your pain.

I have often said here that "we" are not their only option, "we" are not even a good one. I have seen many sober living places when I lived in the same city as my son and they were all good places. Yes, sometimes a resident relapsed, and there were consequences for that depending on which kind of sober living the house was, usually it meant having to leave but sometimes one chance would be given to clean up and follow the rules.

Rehab can help your son find a place when he is finished. It may just be a room, or maybe a place shared with others from the rehab, but maybe it would be a good idea to leave the choice of options up to him...just make it clear you are not one of them. Letting them find their own way is giving them the gift of responsibility for their actions. It's how they grow.

I am sorry you are going through this but glad you found us. I hope you find lots of support here. Welcome.

Hugs

Txhelp

I am not sure about them being drug dens.

My daughter went into an Oxford house (nationwide) and it wasn't a "drug den." In fact, she was probation for 30 days and spent one night past curfew. She was promptly drug tested, when she got home, and booted out. The girls, in the home, were in their 20's and one early 30's.

I suppose each sober living home is different but for the most part, if they were drug dens why would anyone want to knowingly stay with the rules; etc?

Great choice in having him go to a home after inpatient. The revolving door gets old as a mom! I know!!

hopeful4

If he is 22 years old he is a grown adult. This is something he should be actively doing himself. I am sure the rehab would help him find a place also.

I don't say this to be unkind, but I think he should have to WORK at it himself, finding a decent place to stay.

Nine times is alot of times. I hope it is different this time, but I truly feel the more they are invested themselves the more it will help them (and you) in the long run.

God Bless!

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....another Mom here....and I certainly understand your concern. I also do not live in your area so I can't help you with specifics but can only share based upon my own experience with my son.

Since your son is fully aware that he can't come home after rehab, the rehab should be able to help him find an appropriate sober living house. I am quite confident that they would not knowingly send him into a "drug den".

My son has said similar things as well. He has said "rehab only makes me a better addict"......really? And he has said the same thing about sober houses. This is a situation where he uses my own fears as a tool to manipulate me.

As parents, we feel that we know our (adult) children better than anyone else and that we can absolutely, without a doubt, provide a sober environment for them. But unfortunately, it puts us in the uncomfortable position of being their monitor and that does not nurture an adult-to-adult relationship. If your house isn't an option, then it may be necessary to trust the process and hope that he gets into a good, supportive environment.

It sounds like you have your boundary firmly in place. An addict can relapse anywhere......but personally.....if it's going to happen.....I'd rather have him relapse ANYWHERE but in my home.

It is amazing how addicts IN RECOVERY do a darn good job of providing support to their peers.

No matter what.....whatever happens.....it's not yours.....it's not your fault. Just as we can't take credit for their sobriety, we can't take the blame for their relapse. And after seven rehabs (my son has done five), there is no doubt that our sons have the tools to get and remain sober......if they choose to do so.

Your son is lucky to have such a loving Mother.

gentle hugs from another Mom
ke

Txhelp

Yes, Kindeyes...so many of your post hit the nail on the head!


I've also heard that rehab "only makes me a better addict." Well....they do it quite well on their own. At least mine do!

Other addicts, in recovery, can call them on their BS and manipulation. They don't take much of it! Sober living, if chosen, can be very valuable.

AnvilheadII

I want to give him the best chance to succeed.

sweetie, he's on his NINTH inpatient rehab!!! i don't think it's that he's not getting the chance....nor that you are not GIVING him the right opportunity....it sounds very much like HE isn't as interested IN recovery as you are. he certainly knows HOW to get clean, WHAT tools to use, the jargon, the lingo, the steps, and the right actions to take. he can stay sober anywhere he chooses, and get loaded anywhere he wants, rules be damned. it might be time to quit trying to GIVE him recovery and instead let him seek it out and work his ass off for it.

MRSH4

I will add both you and your son to my prayers! I have very little experience with this all at this point, but I do know of one spectacular success story that only became a success because of a great sober living house.
Kindeyes, you are so wise...although, I must say I am sorry that you are wise from experience.

SavingMySon

Thank you all for your help and kind words.

For those of you who may be confused, my son does have a wonderful mother. I happen to be his father (lol). I have had bad experiences with certain rehab facilities in the past. Some were far more interested in the insurance $$ than my son's welfare. This is why I want to make sure his sober house will be a good one. My son will be doing the work in finding a sober community. I am trying to teach him what questions he needs to ask.

He knows he is on his own now. I told him that I will provide him with any emotional support he needs. That's it. He will need to support himself. I told him he needs to ask about how to get social services and food stamps. I told him that he traded away his upper middle class life for drugs. Now he is poor and must fend for himself.

Kindeyes

Well.....whoops! He is also lucky to have a loving father!!!! I understand what you mean about the money thing......rehab is big business. That's why I love the Salvation Army.....they've been doing this since the mid-1850's and their objective is as honorable as any organization I have ever witnessed. They aren't just trying to squeeze more money out of an insurance company or desperate family member's pockets.

Your son and your family will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Lovenjoy

Hi SavingMySon - glad you are tapping into the warehouse of experience and support here at SR. I don't have any experience with sober houses but I think your son is very lucky to have the opportunity available to him. What he does with it is entirely up to him. I hope you can find one that feels right.

I wish I had known more when my son entered rehab, I would have loved him to live in a sober house and not mine when he was in early recovery! And not just because it was so hard on me. I can see his recovery would have benefited from independent sober 'training' if you will. My son is still in recovery, 10 months now, but it has been a tough road for all of us. If he can't stay the course here then a sober living situation would be something I would definitely suggest to him. And as someone here mentioned it has been my experience also that many in recovery won't take the bs from another person in the program. That's a good thing! It's impossible to manipulate a fellow manipulator.

Wishing you and yours all the best. Please remember to be kind to yourself. It's something us parents of addicts can have a hard time doing.