LoveMeNow

Just got a text saying....I need rehab, I can't live like this.

I know many here would love to hear that from their addicted loved one but I just can't help feel like it is just manipulation and I am not sure what to say, if anything??

drc5426

My qualifier relapsed this past month. She then decided she no longer needed AA and will from this point forward moderate her drinking. Whatever... it's her choice. I can't do anything about it.

It's actually been an excellent opportunity for me to detach and use all of the tools I've learned over this past year. I've been doing a lot of fun things with the kids, spring cleaning, work stuff. I've never in my life been this focused on myself, my life, my plan and I don't have to allow her poor choices to interfere with it.

I got the rehab text a few weeks ago. I ignored it. 2 days later she surfaced for a visit with the kids. She showed up sober, still alive, obviously passed on the rehab and acted as if the text never happened. I asked her about it and she kind of shrugged like it wasn't that big a deal. Rough night i guess?

And that's just it. When someone is active in their addictions they're all over the place. One second they can't live like that then the next they're living it up. Especially when they're finally facing consequence.

You've said it so many times yourself. It's his journey. He's an adult. He can find the help he needs without announcing it to the world.

LoveMeNow

Thank you dcr so much!! Ok, I feel saner again, lol.

Vale

LMN. I got a lot of messages near the end. How ashamed she was of what had
become of her. I could tell you a million things she said----every single one of
which made me want to drop what I was doing....and rush to her aid (like I ALWAYS
did).

I did it until I couldn't do it anymore. I did it until I searched out anonymous
people on the internet to share my pain with (you can probably guess the site!).

None of not being a part of that anymore-- was easy. No more great relief on
her face (more so on mine) when I gave her money. No more imagining her packing
a few ounces on her Auschwitz looking frame at a Burger King....knowing she wasn't
going to BK-----just some dope dealer.

I have shared a million words with you---and I'm sure we'll share many more. But
the only thing I cannot tell you is how (absent time) to make it hurt any less. You KNOW
I would share the secret of that with you my friend--

--if I knew it.

But I don't.

Ann

I hope he finds rehab, LMN, I would hope that for any active addict. If he is anything like my son was, the actions rarely followed the words. When they did, he just found rehab and went, plain and simple, it wasn't necessary to use it as a tool of manipulation. And even then, for my son, it wasn't a permanent "cure", even though he sometimes got a year or two of clean time in, he sadly returned to active addiction each time, I will never understand why.

I hold such admiration for those who can go to rehab and find peace, find sobriety and find a better way to live. Some do quickly, some need many many tries before they get it for good, and others, like my son, never seem to be able to hang on to it.

That's why I don't seek out my son, why I don't search for him. Because I've done that dance so many time before, I know what I would find and I just cannot live like that anymore, it almost killed me and I will never allow the darkness of addiction steal my life again.

So I pray for my son, and I pray for your husband and I pray for all the addicts who struggle. Each day I pray here on another forum and I pray in my morning talk with God. Then I leave the rest between our loved ones and God, He can do for them what we cannot.

I can only imagine the turmoil of emotions you are going through right now, and I hope that one day soon you will find your peace and be able to breathe again. It's a good place to be, it just took me a long time to get here too.

Hugs

Praying

Ann, thanks for a beautiful post that helped me today...

Vale

Yeah,Ann.....that was perfect....

>>>>>>>>That's why I don't seek out my son, why I don't search for him. Because I've done that dance so many time before, I know what I would find and I just cannot live like that anymore, it almost killed me and I will never allow the darkness of addiction steal my life again.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The darkness of addiction----stealing times, loves, and souls......if we allow it.

Aeryn

Hi LMN,

I've been gone from SR quite a while as I'm trying to move forward in my life from all things addiction including SR. However your post inspired me to say something since I've known you a while.

My experience with my XRAH is when he sent texts or said he needed rehab that was more about telling me than it was about rehab. He only went to rehab 6 months after I left, when I allowed him to fall and he had no other options. When he went it wasn't a plea nor did I have enough to do with it that he told me until AFTER he was there.

Now he's recovering (a few months - still early but a lot for him considering his track record) and I've been gone almost a year - the time apart has helped me see that I deserve more than he has to offer even sober. He struggles and so far is doing well but friendship is all I can offer him. I need someone capable of having and sharing real feelings and a real connections which many addicts can't even after they recover (I suspect my RXAH is one of those). I'm genuinely happy for him he is cleaning up his life but I care enough about myself to give myself what I deserve.

I had this moment the other day where I was talking to a male friend (no romantic stuff just friends) but I actually was able to share my truth and feelings with him and it was so freeing and I guess another lightbulb went off. That shouldn't be rare in my relationships it should be the norm and what I deserve.

Will the XRAH and I ever get back together? I doubt it but there are no definites in life...all I see us is as friends because I don't see him as capable of having those feelings or connections for a LONG time (even sober and in recovery) and I'm not willing to wait.

As a side note...if I remember right this is your AH's pattern to try to draw you back in with rehab, so you are right to feel skeptical and even irritated with that IMHO.

Based on what I've read in the thread I think you're doing just fine - it's hard but you're doing it.