Birthday blues & upcoming hearing

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Old 02-26-2014, 08:30 AM
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Birthday blues & upcoming hearing

It's been a roller coaster of emotions it seems since my last post. I've been very discouraged with my AH for some time now. I've gone to counseling sessions with him and they always seem to help me feel better. We discuss issues and he opens up, the counselor gives advice and mediates but then we go home and nothing changes. At the last session we discussed my AH's lack of hygiene and his drinking. The counselor recommended an antidepressant because my AH expressed feelings of depression. We are both hopeful that this will help. His hygiene has improved a little but that's not saying much. He continues to drink 1-3 beers a day on the weekends and usually at least one day during the week. Everyone agrees this is not a good idea but he says he is an adult and he will do what he wants.

Valentine's day was disappointing but I really didn't have high hopes anyway. My AH confessed a couple weeks ago that he was broke and had mismanaged his money in part because he had bought Subutex. It wasn't so much of a confession really, because I just continued to question him as to how he could be so broke if all of the bills had not been paid yet. I also found out that he had pawned a very nice camera of his in order to get a cash advance. He ended up getting the camera back after his dad gave him money to go to the doctor and get the prescription for the antidepressant.

The hearing for the domestic violence charge from October is scheduled for tomorrow. I've been very frustrated with that situation. He has known about it for months and has been working with his lawyer to come up with a plea to avoid having a hearing. He has done very little. I have told him he needs to call his lawyer everyday if necessary and find out what is going on but he's had a very lax attitude and doesn't seem worried. He's been told that he will get home confinement but he isn't sure of the details. I have been so stressed about this because my birthday is on Friday and of course all of my family wants to get together for birthday dinners but how am I going to explain my AH's absence??? I know that many of you will say that I should be honest with my family about everything that has happened with my AH (the relapses, the domestic violence charge) but I just can't bring myself to do that. I know that it will ultimately bring on more stress for me if I tell them.

I have been very down about my birthday, the hearing, my marriage....basically just the state of my life right now. I am really looking forward to my new job starting. I start March 3rd. I've been able to pick up some work the last couple weeks with the agency I used to work for and that has helped. I know that the new job will help tremendously but boy I'm having a hard time not thinking about everything else! I've given a lot of thought to separating. It really isn't feasible at this time but it is definitely an option for the future. My AH and I are basically living like roommates right now. Many people in his life (family on both sides) have said they don't believe he wants to change and you can't trust what he says. It's a sad truth that I'm slowly coming to accept.

Prayers and good thoughts for me tomorrow are welcome and greatly appreciated! This isn't what I wanted to be dealing with for my birthday but it's where I am and I what I have to do at least for now :/
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Old 02-26-2014, 08:49 AM
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Prayers and positive thoughts to you.

Also, an early Happy Birthday.

As time passes, things will come clearer for you and what you need to do.
Meanwhile, keep posting and know we care about you.

Good luck on your new job!!! That's a positive and freeing thing you made happen for yourself. Be proud of your accomplishment in landing a job in a very tough economy
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Old 02-26-2014, 09:19 AM
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Depression can make it difficult for some people to get out of bed. And I think it took about 20 years for some of the things my mother told me to stick. Therapy will take time and may not show immediate improvement. You may have to be satisfied with baby steps for a while. Is there a local drop in basketball program that he could join or some other exercise he could participate in? Exercise can improve mood and a team sport will get him connected with a social group. Both aspects may help his depression.

Regarding your birthday and what to tell your family, you might just say that he is not feeling well and change the subject. You don't have to share everything. I wouldn't want to share my troubles with a large group, especially when they are there to celebrate my birthday. That would be a real downer for everyone. I often go to parties without my hubby. He has never been very social and is getting less so as he ages. I end up staying longer than I would if we went together.
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Old 02-26-2014, 09:23 AM
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I am so sorry. You are right in what you said, he has to be the one to do the work. That is the reality. If he won't, I am sure the judge will enlighten him.

I am praying for you. Why is it you think it will make things worse for you if your family knows? You don't have to answer, but it may be something to think of for yourself. Maybe something to weigh out on paper. You need a face to face support system. Addiction is a family disease and you need to be able to open up. The truth does set you free, I know because I did just what you are doing for so long. It snapped one day that I am not covering for his bad behavior any longer. It's his and he will have to own it.

They knew anyways, they were just waiting for me to bring it up when I was ready. The support of that has given me a new lease on life.

You will get through this. You said the counseling helps you..keep going. Keep doing things for you and let him own his behavior and do things for him. In helping himself he will make himself a stronger person and that will help you too.

Big Tight Hugs. You are in my prayers and I wish you a Happy Early Birthday!
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Old 02-26-2014, 09:54 AM
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i think you are doing yourself a great disservice to keep all these secrets - when in fact they are not YOUR actions you are trying to cover up....but HIS. HE relapsed. HE perpetrated violence against you. your family could be a great source of support which you most certainly could use right now!

lotta red flags still flying....he's STILL drinking. he's now taking an anti-dperessant WHILE drinking (i can't believe the doc prescribed them knowing he drinks like he does). now his hygiene has gone south (sorry, but ICK). he has an upcoming trial for the DV - why YOU are reminding HIM to call HIS attorney for the abuse YOU suffered i don't know.

go to the party, tell them AH couldn't make it. tell them the whole schpeil. tell them you are at the end of your rope. LET them love you and help you.
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Old 02-26-2014, 11:14 AM
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I think it's good to share here about what has transpired in your life and hope somehow you find the courage to share with your family. They love you and care, but you know them better than we do and you can make that choice when you are ready.

Regardless of what is happening, please go to your birthday party and have a wonderful time. You deserve some fun and to be wrapped in the love and joy your family can bring, maybe now more than ever.

And Happy Early Birthday!!! May this year bring you many blessings and a happier road ahead.

Hugs
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Old 02-26-2014, 12:30 PM
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H4H...

I really don't have anything to add that others haven't already mentioned. If your family wants to celebrate your birthday, then embrace that and leave your AH at home. Give yourself a night away from the madness.

Happy Birthday.

ZoSo
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:21 PM
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I'm so sorry for everything you're going through! I can tell you that in my experience, I kept quiet for soooo long. Part of my reasoning was so my family wouldn't judge or dislike him if he turned things around. I can't really describe the rest. Maybe pride, fear, afraid it would be too real...it was a jumble of emotions.

I waited too long. When I absolutely couldn't take it anymore, I told my sister, then my mom. I cannot describe the rush of relief and peace I felt. I couldn't believe how much energy the secrecy itself was taking. I was allowed to be me again, with the family that would always love and support me. Nothing in my life improved that day...except for my state of mind. I became able to think through the fog. I finally understood why they say we are only as sick as our secrets.

Whatever you do, have a happy birthday! And maybe ask yourself...what's the worst, and what's the best, outcome of sharing with your family? Everyone's dynamic is different.

Incidentally, I told my extended family at my grandmother's funeral. Nobody cared that it was a funeral. They knew I needed it at that moment more than anything, and we are rarely all together. It's the best gift my grandmother could have given me. I was enveloped and felt loved in a way I hadn't for a long time.

Hugs!
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Old 02-26-2014, 09:48 PM
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I didn't tell my family about my husbands issues right away either. I think when the time is right you will either get this feeling inside, strength that says your ready... or it may just be something that happens spontaneously.

I know you have reached out to a friend and that took courage, I was so happy when you shared that with us.

I think you have so much to be proud of in your actions... from reporting the DV, starting therapy, telling your friend, doing joint therapy with your husband, focusing on your own goals and landing a new job... None of that has been easy Im sure. I think your a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Trust yourself.

Prayers things are resolved tomorrow in satisfactory way. Will be keeping you in my thoughts. If I don't get back before the day: Hope you have a Happy Birthday !
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Old 02-26-2014, 10:00 PM
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Thank you all so much for the kind words and support. Today hasn't been very easy. I was really looking forward to going out to dinner tonight with AH. We were going to make it an early bday dinner since he will more than likely be on house arrest after the hearing tomorrow. We had a gift card from Christmas we were going to use so we didn't even have to spend any money. I had picked out a nice outfit and done my make-up so that we could go after I finished with an appointment I had today. Unfortunately AH said he didn't feel well and wasn't up to going out to dinner. Really disappointing and a little hurtful to me considering he 1) won't be able to do anything for the next 60 days, 2) has nothing for me or planned for me for my bday and won't be able to even take part in the family celebrations and 3) appeared totally fine all evening! He called a couple family members tonight and one of them even commented to me that he sounded like he felt fine.

He had a phone line hooked up in our home today since it is required for home confinement. The funny thing is he doesn't even know if he will be allowed to complete the home confinement here at our house. I thought it was a little odd that he was quick to do that yet he's been putting off staying in contact with his lawyer. I guess he's just hoping or assuming that things will go his way. I had been nagging him about contacting his lawyer because I wanted to know as much as possible since I have been subpoenaed to appear. Rather than calling his lawyer and having a plea agreement arranged prior to the hearing, my AH asked me to call the prosecutor and stress to her that we were going to counseling together and working on our marriage (in other words call and make him sound good). He said that his lawyer had suggested that I do that. Well I didn't. I don't feel comfortable doing that. I would rather just attend the hearing as scheduled and see what everyone has to say.

As far as my family goes, the reason that I chose not to talk to any of them about this issue is because it will really only cause me more stress. It will break my mom's heart and she will worry constantly. I truly worry that my dad will have a heart attack. He is under so much stress. I also worry that he will quite literally hurt my AH. I feel like I've got a good support system in my AH's family, my close friends and our counselor. I have given serious thought to seeing the counselor on my own without my AH. I feel like I get more out of it than he does and I am open to examining my own choices and making changes.

I don't know what to hope for tomorrow. I'm nervous, I've never been in trouble and even though I'm not the one in trouble I'm still on edge. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight. I'll post tomorrow after the hearing.

-H4H
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Old 02-26-2014, 10:26 PM
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I don't blame you for being disappointed in the plans getting cancelled tonight. Im really sorry about that... To me it seems odd he has been so hands off in talking with his own attorney, pretty serious charges against him and I would want to have as much info as I could before I got there if I was him... ?? Who knows, he could get a surprise tomorrow.

I would be nervous too, but I hope you can sleep. Ive found I often get nervous and build things up in my mind, then the event happens and its not near as bad as my wild thoughts. I hope it all goes smoothly.

I understand about your family. I think you really just have to trust your instincts; they are working good! Your Birthday is about you anyway, and you have a lot of positive things to share with your new job, etc.

If you get nervous in court tomorrow just think of all of us here at SR being there to support you in spirit.
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Old 02-27-2014, 01:38 PM
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Thank you all so much for your support! Today was a scary day for me. As I sat at the courthouse I kept reminding myself of all the support I have here at SR. The morning started off very frustrating for me. My husband was totally unprepared and didn't seem concerned that he was unprepared. He and his lawyer met with the magistrate and it was decided that he will serve 60 days of home confinement. He will not be allowed to complete the home confinement in our home. State law dictates that when home confinement is handed down as a punishment in a domestic violence case they will not place the victim with the abuser. My husband's lawyer said that although he didn't agree with that policy in our case, it was not possible to fight it because it was a state law.

I have to say I think I was a little relieved to hear that. I've been wanting a break from my AH and it seems now I will get one. He will spend the 60 days at his parents home but it will not start immediately. He has to go back to court again and then arrange an appt. to have his parents home searched at the end of March. I met with the magistrate separately and she told me that my AH's criminal history and the nature of the assault played a role in her decision. I didn't defend him but i did clarify that he had never been abusive physically but that he is an addict. She understood and said that made him unpredictable and that I could have died that night in October and sure he may have been remorseful the next day but it would be too late. She's right, I know that, I have known that but hearing it again today really stressed the importance of my case to me.

My AH of course was not happy at all. He didn't think it was fair (of course) and made comments about the cost of home confinement and how it would be cheaper to go to jail. I told him if that's how he felt then to just go to jail instead of taking the home confinement. He said he wasn't going to do that. He won't be able to drink or do any drugs (obviously) while on home confinement. He will be strictly monitored and can only go to home and work. I'm really happy to have this part behind me. Since the home confinement won't start immediately he will be able to go to my bday dinners with my family so I'm happy that I won't have to deal with the stress of explaining his absence to my family.
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Old 02-27-2014, 02:35 PM
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H4H, I hope you will give a lot of thought to what the magistrate said. He assaulted you so violently that you could have died. And it doesn't sound like he has changed much. He is still using. He is not showing any remorse about the assault. He is angry that he has to suffer through consequences for his violence. I wonder whether you have been so wrapped up in protecting him from these charges that you aren't protecting yourself? I hope that this time apart will give you a little time to stop worrying about him and get back into your own skin and figure out what you need to feel safe and have the peace of mind you need to give your all at your awesome new job. Good luck!
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Old 02-27-2014, 03:00 PM
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It almost sounds like it was a little bit of fate. If you were thinking about a separation but weren't sure, this takes it out of your hands and will give you some time to see how it might feel, like a sample separation. Maybe it will open his eyes a little too, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Can you still visit him at his parents during this time ? Sorry I dont know this, but do you have kids? How does that work visit at grandparents?
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Old 02-27-2014, 03:46 PM
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BlueChair yes that is exactly how I am looking at it, like a sample separation and I am really excited! Right now I just don't see a future for us. I don't want to live the way I've been living and I'm not sure he is ready to change but at the same time I'm not sure about divorce either. Fortunately we don't have any children and although I would like to have a family it's something I have had to rule out for the time being. I'm very glad that we do not have to go through this with children.
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Old 02-27-2014, 05:01 PM
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H$4, first off Happy birthday to you! I am glad things worked out the way they did for you. You can have your birthday party with your family and not have to come up with excuses about your husband and now you get 60 days of a break from him which I think will probably do you wonders and help you in your decision for your future. I hope things go well in the next few days and when you start your new job, that is a new beginning for you. Hugs.
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Old 02-27-2014, 06:17 PM
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Happy Birthday...a break will be good I think, give you some perspective on where you want to go after the 60 days. Prayers
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Old 02-27-2014, 06:31 PM
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Happy Birthday. I hope your dinner goes well and you have a fabulous time. Before I read your last post I was thinking surely they don't let the abuser do home detention with the person they abused? So that was a good outcome. The magistrate sounds very wise. There have been some high profile DV cases coming up for trial here in WA lately, where the woman has not survived, and they are heartbreaking.
Your husband doesn't sound remorseful any more. I hope the detention isn't too stressful for his parents, but also hope it will give you time to think and relax.
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Old 02-27-2014, 10:44 PM
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I was thinking about you today!

It must feel good to have this part behind you. He did end up getting a little bit of a twist there didn't he? It sounds like you feel comfortable with the decision? I think it does serve a dual purpose in giving you the space you have been feeling is necessary, along with hopefully making an impact on him in regards to consequences. Will he still be able to go to his therapy sessions? Do you think it will go smoothly his living at his parents? I ask because I cant imagine my husband moving in with his parents when he was trying to stop/ early recovery - there would have been too much tension, and I don't know if he could have handled his emotions in a healthy way. (he actually moved in with MY parents for a while when he was trying to get clean, that was interesting enough).

Im glad all this works out in regards to your birthday. I hope you can relax a little now and celebrate. Sleep better tonight ~You most definitely deserve to have some fun, and enjoy some wonderful birthday events in your honor.

Keep us posted, sending you good thoughts as always.
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Old 02-27-2014, 10:55 PM
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Happy Birthday help4hubby. I hope it was a wonderful day.
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