kkallday21

I'm so beside myself... After I told him last week I couldn't handle being in a relationship with him he relapsed again and is now in jail.. I'm feeling guilty.. He called me last night and this morning and sounds so weak and lost.. The pain and sadness is overwhelming

Pedro1234

It is really sad however you need to remember that you are not responsible for his actions. He needs to want to help himself and at that point things will improve in his life.

suki44883

I'm sorry, kkallday, but none of this is your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't force him to use.

jjj111

I think I remember from an earlier post that your now-ex was in prison for many years before you started dating him? Maybe it would help to keep that in mind? This guy has a history of landing himself in jail. You didn't cause it the first time, and you're not causing it now!

zoso77

Time for some tough love.

I do not underestimate your pain or your sadness. When people we care about do self destructive things, it's awful to watch.

But feeling guilty is exactly what he wants to you feel.

F**k that.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it.

He picked up again because he gave himself permission to pick up again. He had other options, you know. And the one he chose was the easiest one.

Don't let him get his hooks into you.

ZoSo

Ann

You did the right thing. He owns his behaviour and maybe this is just what he needs, some clean time to clear his thinking.

I know it hurts, but staying with someone like that hurts more...you know that, you've already been there.

Hugs

cynical one

kk,

I have been down that road many times. I can tell you the calls from jail put me into a tailspin of self-doubt EVERY SINGLE TIME. The greatest gift you could give yourself is to call the jail and have your number blocked.

Things Addicts Say From Jail

penny9175

Everyone here is right, it's not your fault. He made crappy choices and there are consequences for them. You didn't do this to him, he did it to himself. Stay strong!

kkallday21

Thank you everyone for all your kind and truthful words. I know I didn't cause any of this, but Zoso you are right- it definitely is very painful to watch someone we care about be self destructive...I had a talk with my sponsor last night about all of this too.. She said basically the same stuff everyone else shared.. I am going to ask him to stop calling me and if he doesn't respect my wishes, I will contact the jail and ask to have my number blocked. He is still in quarantine, so he's not at a permanent jail right now and should be getting transferred within a few days... Sometimes I wish I wasn't as kind and loving as I am, because that always seems to leave me with much pain and heartache I will continue sharing, working my program and asking my HP for his guidance. There has to be a better life ahead..

hopeful4

There is a big difference between being kind and actually hurting yourself with codependency. Just because he calls does not mean you have to answer. He got himself into this situation, it is a consequence he needs to go through himself.

Keep talking to your sponsor and take care of YOU!

cece1960

KK, it took me a long time to come to the conclusion that my kind and loving ways were often the result of taking the easier route.

CupofJoe

Hey there,

Just wanted to pipe in. I've mostly dated alcoholics/addicts and I'm a recovered alcoholic myself. So I've got it from both sides.

When I was drinking, I used heartbreak as an excuse to drink. I wanted my partner to feel sorry for me so that he would realize the error of his ways and take me back. I wanted to blame someone else for my drinking and I wanted someone else to make me better.

I've had my heart broken once since I got sober. And you know what? I wanted to drink, I wanted to numb the pain, but I didn't. Because a big part of getting sober is acknowledging my own responsibility. No one else can keep me sober but me and no one else is responsible for my drinking or my sobriety but me. I had to work through the heartbreak sober and I'm glad I did.

Looking back, I truly hope that my exes could see through my manipulative ways because the reason I kept drinking wasn't because of them. It was because of me.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's ok to feel whatever you're feeling and breaking up with someone hurts and having a broken heart hurts, but there is no reason in the world why you should add guilt for someone else's behavior onto your painful emotions.

Hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but your post moved me and I just wanted to share my thoughts.

Be well.

shockozulu

There is. Dealt with three addicts in my life, lost everything I had-twice. I'm curled up with my dog in a trailer and believe it or not life is wonderful. It's what is inside. Inside life is great. You will get there too if you continue to take care of yourself first.

AnvilheadII

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as kind and loving as I am, because that always seems to leave me with much pain and heartache

true kindness and love do NOT bring pain and heartache. if they are, you're doing it wrong! what you describe sounds more like codependency and enabling and those ALWAYS hurt!

if you don't want calls from jail, don't answer the phone. he'll get the message. up til now has he ever really respected any of your wishes?? not sure why you think he'd start now!?

now is your chance for a clean break. TAKE IT!

eggdogg1234

I know how you feel, I am sure everyone here does in their own way. I understand feeling guilty and sad but.....when I read the title of the thread I wanted to give you a high five. Impeccable timing, not only did you do the right thing you did it at the right time. There are two sides to every coin and the side you are not looking at is brightly colored and reads "congratulations!"

Raider

Good luck and God bless you.

Mountainmanbob

if he calls again
maybe tell him that
he may wish to get some help when he get's out
that would be entirely up to him

you need not get involved any more than that

don't feel guilty -- he did it all to himself

at times jail was a good place for me to be
gives one time to think -- what's really going on in my life ????

jail actually brings a (few) to their bottom
I have heard many in AA state that
thank God they went to jail when they did
may have stopped them from killing someone or themselves

Mountainman