Kids, custody, navigating separation with an addict
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Co-parenting with an active addict is difficult at best. It is so hard to combat the bad mouthing and the undermining of your parental authority. I lived through that and did the best I could and it sounds as though you are doing the same. But I do understand how difficult it is.....you are demonstrating great strength.
I think it's a great idea to consult with a social worker through your children's school. They may be able to direct you to other valuable resources.
gentle hugs
ke
I think it's a great idea to consult with a social worker through your children's school. They may be able to direct you to other valuable resources.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
I think at this stage in the game your plan looks like a good one under the circumstances. If any problems arise in the future, you could go back and have it changed.
In the meantime I really hope that you are documenting each and every incident that takes place with your stbexah. In fact, it might be benificial to document the dates and times and everything that goes on during your husband's visits. Even if it seems insignificant at the time.....you may need it someday.
Good luck to you!
((((Hugs)))
In the meantime I really hope that you are documenting each and every incident that takes place with your stbexah. In fact, it might be benificial to document the dates and times and everything that goes on during your husband's visits. Even if it seems insignificant at the time.....you may need it someday.
Good luck to you!
((((Hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
Well, the letter was emailed to him yesterday and predictably he didn't really read the words, just saw that it came from a lawyer and it was talking about splitting assets. It was a nicely worded letter asking him to retain a lawyer to work collaboratively and amicably etc. and he saw "I WANT A DIVORCE". Also predictably, he called me at work and had a total melt down. Why are you doing this to me? What have I ever done to deserve this? WHy won't you come back to marriage counselling and work this out? Why won't you give me a simple answer - yes or no - Do you want a divorce????
I have explained to him that I am trying to give him the time and the space to work on his recovery (if he is actualy in recovery, but he is still acting the same). We need to live apart. In order for me to be able to do that, I need to have transportation; even if we were staying together, I had come to the conclusion that I needed to move to where I had transportation, because whether he wants to admit it or not, he uses the ability to drive as a method of control and power over me. This means we need to sell the house, and since we have children in school, moving over the summer break is ideal. That means the house needs to be on the market now. If we are going to live apart, he needs to get off his parents' couch, get a job and a place to live, and he needs to take his things. It is not healthy for the kids, me or him to live in limbo like this.
So, I got some boxes yesterday, and I will work my behind off tomorrow, sorting, cleaning and packing. I want this house for sale for the spring buying market!
I have explained to him that I am trying to give him the time and the space to work on his recovery (if he is actualy in recovery, but he is still acting the same). We need to live apart. In order for me to be able to do that, I need to have transportation; even if we were staying together, I had come to the conclusion that I needed to move to where I had transportation, because whether he wants to admit it or not, he uses the ability to drive as a method of control and power over me. This means we need to sell the house, and since we have children in school, moving over the summer break is ideal. That means the house needs to be on the market now. If we are going to live apart, he needs to get off his parents' couch, get a job and a place to live, and he needs to take his things. It is not healthy for the kids, me or him to live in limbo like this.
So, I got some boxes yesterday, and I will work my behind off tomorrow, sorting, cleaning and packing. I want this house for sale for the spring buying market!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
This weekend I started separating our belongings, in preparation for putting the house on the market. I put on an audiobook to keep my mind off of what I am taking apart. That worked for the most part.
STBEXAH was over on the weekend, taking the kids to a birthday party. He came back to the house to wait for it to be over. He let himself in and tried to pick a fight. He said I was being unreasonable, he said he is not going to want to come back if I split up our things . He tried getting to me by telling me he will come by the house while I am at work and taking things like the recliners and the TV. He told me that all the furniture his parents ever gave us was "on loan" but the bed that my father hand carved, he expects me to get an appraisal of so we can split the value. I told him he was rediculous. He didn't get me upset, and since he wasn't making me upset, he decided to go watch TV instead of talking to me. I told him that everything needed to be done through the lawyer, since we are never going to agree.
I am feeling pretty lonely these days. I love my kids and am so happy to have them, and all their little arms around me. I don't know what I would do without them, but it is still pretty lonely without another adult around. I was working in the kitchen in the evening, cleaning up from dinner when I saw headlights coming down the road, and reflexively I thought "oh good, he's home" before I realized that I had even thought it. Then I had to remind myself that no one is coming home to me, no one is coming to help with the kids. . . . AND THEN I realized that really, no one ever did. Sure he came home, and he did do bedtime stuff, showers and stories sometimes, but I always had to be listening, to make sure I didn't have to jump in because he was overwhelmed.
DS1 told me we are all going skating with Daddy next weekend, then she said "no wait, just us kids, because you and Daddy don't get along anymore". I thought that would hurt, but actually it was reassuring, that they are starting to understand, and she was still smiling, excited to be going skating.
STBEXAH was over on the weekend, taking the kids to a birthday party. He came back to the house to wait for it to be over. He let himself in and tried to pick a fight. He said I was being unreasonable, he said he is not going to want to come back if I split up our things . He tried getting to me by telling me he will come by the house while I am at work and taking things like the recliners and the TV. He told me that all the furniture his parents ever gave us was "on loan" but the bed that my father hand carved, he expects me to get an appraisal of so we can split the value. I told him he was rediculous. He didn't get me upset, and since he wasn't making me upset, he decided to go watch TV instead of talking to me. I told him that everything needed to be done through the lawyer, since we are never going to agree.
I am feeling pretty lonely these days. I love my kids and am so happy to have them, and all their little arms around me. I don't know what I would do without them, but it is still pretty lonely without another adult around. I was working in the kitchen in the evening, cleaning up from dinner when I saw headlights coming down the road, and reflexively I thought "oh good, he's home" before I realized that I had even thought it. Then I had to remind myself that no one is coming home to me, no one is coming to help with the kids. . . . AND THEN I realized that really, no one ever did. Sure he came home, and he did do bedtime stuff, showers and stories sometimes, but I always had to be listening, to make sure I didn't have to jump in because he was overwhelmed.
DS1 told me we are all going skating with Daddy next weekend, then she said "no wait, just us kids, because you and Daddy don't get along anymore". I thought that would hurt, but actually it was reassuring, that they are starting to understand, and she was still smiling, excited to be going skating.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
4:21, good for you for not letting your STBX rope you into an argument. It sounds like you are thinking very clearly about this move and finding some good ways to take care of yourself. It also sounds like you realize that being single might be better than being in miserable company. 
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am expecting to feel lonely for a while too but in reality I have been lonely more then not over the past few years. I am going to try and see it as a healing time for me. Being alone is much better then being lonely or in bad company.
You sound strong, and good for you for not getting sucked into his insanity,
You sound strong, and good for you for not getting sucked into his insanity,
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Derry
Posts: 45
Sending Hugs to you 421. Are there any local spots you can make friends? I recently found something - paint nights. You register for a really small fee, they bring everything to a local restaurant and you get an hour or so of relaxing free time, and the ability to meet new people. It's important that the lonely feeling doesn't consume you. Try to find something for when he has the kids. It's empowering to realize you can make your own happiness and to realize you don't need anyone else to live the happy life you want/need. <3 You're doing a great job so far!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
Once I get into the city, I will make sure that the kids and I all have activities with people our own ages
I fell into STBXAH's trap last night. Only a tiny bit, but he still got me. He took DS to hockey. When he dropped DS off, he yelled "why are you telling the kids I walked out?". When I said "You did.", he yelled "YOU KICKED ME OUT". Instead of showing him the door I stupidly let him yell some more first. He yelled that I should be telling the truth, tell the kids that I kicked him out and told him not to come back. *sigh* Of course all three kids were standing there, I told him I wasn't fighting with him in front of the kids, and I hadn't kicked him out (proving that I was in fact, going to fight with him
). I did smarten up quickly, and told the kids to say goodnight to DAddy because he was leaving now. Grrrr
Of course then I felt horrible for hours, cried after I put the kids to bed and felt sorry for myself. I reminded myself that he does not see reality for what it is. I reminded myself that the best defence is a good offense, so he was on the attack because he is protecting himself. I went to sleep.
This morning is a very cold, crisp and beautiful morning here. The sunrise was bright and pink and beautiful! My face and ears froze on the short walk from the car to the doors in to work, but I am safe and warm at my desk now.
Better days are coming!
I believe.
I fell into STBXAH's trap last night. Only a tiny bit, but he still got me. He took DS to hockey. When he dropped DS off, he yelled "why are you telling the kids I walked out?". When I said "You did.", he yelled "YOU KICKED ME OUT". Instead of showing him the door I stupidly let him yell some more first. He yelled that I should be telling the truth, tell the kids that I kicked him out and told him not to come back. *sigh* Of course all three kids were standing there, I told him I wasn't fighting with him in front of the kids, and I hadn't kicked him out (proving that I was in fact, going to fight with him
). I did smarten up quickly, and told the kids to say goodnight to DAddy because he was leaving now. GrrrrOf course then I felt horrible for hours, cried after I put the kids to bed and felt sorry for myself. I reminded myself that he does not see reality for what it is. I reminded myself that the best defence is a good offense, so he was on the attack because he is protecting himself. I went to sleep.
This morning is a very cold, crisp and beautiful morning here. The sunrise was bright and pink and beautiful! My face and ears froze on the short walk from the car to the doors in to work, but I am safe and warm at my desk now.
Better days are coming!
I believe.
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